A Signal of the Soul Wanting to Grow...

A Signal of the Soul Wanting to Grow...

As my normal readers know, I have become a fan of Twitter. In fact, I now have two accounts on Twitter. [The one for this page is https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy .] I love all the positive, encouragement, and support I have found on Twitter. I am also a person who loves positive quotes and encouraging phrases. So I have followed a lot of pages that deliver positivity and some great insights. I came across one a month ago and I have been repeating it over and over in my mind.

“Depression is often a signal of the soul wanting to grow. The key is to listen to your inner self and seek the deeper meaning behind the pain.”  Dr. Tammi B PhD [On Twitter- https://twitter.com/tammibphd ]

Now depression is something I have battled for as long as I can remember. When I use the word depression I’m not talking about just feeling sad or boomed out. I’m talking about going to a deep dark place into my core. I’m talking depression- feelings of hopelessness and wanting to quit. That is what I’ve struggled with as far back as I can remember.  As most of my readers know I tried to kill myself twice in my life as teenager. I hit a point in my adult life where I was praying for God to take me home. [You can read about it in this blog posting: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]

When I read this quote it really started my mind to wondering all over the place. “A signal of the soul wanting to grow.” That is where I’m at in my life. I’ve been growing and I’ve been facing life, problems, past, fears…. Head on. I’m not allowing myself to quit. I’m not even cutting myself some slack. So why did this quote bother me? Why was I always thinking about it lately?

I have been really struggling for the past six weeks. [We all have these moments in our lives.] I have been dealing with some issues. I kept telling myself “I have been growing. I had been changing.

Wait, changing there is an interesting word.

Have I changed? I can honestly say- Yes.

Have I changed completely? No we’re being honest here.

Then I realized why I was so upset. I had pictured myself completely changed by now. After all, it’s almost been a year since I started this journey of change. I had pictured myself at my weight loss goal. I had pictured myself without the panic attacks, without the nerves and without the fears. I still had them. Honestly, I had one really big one recently that lasted most of the day. I didn’t feel like I had changed at all. I was allowing these feelings of failure to come into my body, mind and my core. When that happened I stopped changing. I just stopped! I stayed in one place.  My soul wanted to continue growing. My soul didn’t like staying in one spot. My soul liked the growing, expanding, changing and embracing the new. The staying still was no longer cutting it for my soul. It now knew there was so much more out there and it wanted to continue enjoying it.

“The key is to listen to your inner self and seek deeper meaning behind the pain.”

Have you ever found yourself in an argument with yourself? [No I’m not crazy just keep reading.] I’m just trying to explain that my old self wanted to take over but the new person I had become was fighting back.

The old me- quit, hide from the world, don’t make a decision, let fear of having a panic attack in public rob me of a life. The old me didn’t really exist beyond the surface because dealing with all my mistakes, failures, fear, dread, and pain. It just wasn’t happening. I was a dark person.

New me- Lover of life, passion, dreams, hope, fun, willing to try new things, take a chance and if I have a panic attack in public I’ll deal. The new me was in charge and not willing to let go! I’m glad.

Old Me- Now what do I do? I didn’t change completely I haven’t reached the big goal so why?

New me-“Wait Look at what you did change:

1-You’ve lost weight and inches. You have gotten rid of rolls of fat on your body.

2-You work out and walk. You have gained so much energy and mobility. You do so much more!

3-You have let yourself write again. You are embracing that dream. You are writing a story. You are also blogging. You also have had two articles published.

4-You have become social. You have made the few friendships you had left stronger. You are connected to them more. You have made new friends. You are meeting people.

5-You have confidence and courage and respect for yourself now. You have learned to love yourself. You are able to love others now.
6-You have goals, dreams and plans now. More importantly you are a person who takes action to achieve them.

Old me-“But you didn’t”

New ME- “SHUT UP!"

I’m going to work out now!