Where have I been?
(This is a long blog but I finally have words flowing again.)
Well that is hard to explain. I have been away for a while. It seems like words have left me. I've tried writing in this blog, on my story or even doing simple lesson plans for the group of kids I teach and nothing comes out. It has been a hard couple of months.
June was hard for me. For some reason turning 40 seemed depressing. It wasn't because of the age I'm fine with being 40. It was because of the all the things I hadn't accomplished yet. I'm sure I am not the only one with the lists of things I would achieve by the time I was 40. I was really feeling like I was behind. I felt like I was behind of where I should be in life. Let me explain:
My sister has a daughter that is a senior and one that is a junior. My two of my friends have kids that are also graduating high school this year. I have no children. All of my friends have been married for 10 years or more. One has been married for 20 years. I have never been married. Please don't ask how long it has been since I was in a relationship. I have the associates degree but not in my dream degree of ASL interpreting for the Deaf and travel. (Yes I know this is two different degrees but it is my passions.) I hadn't achieve the weight loss goal I had wanted. I hadn't achieved the NKOTB Cruise that was a goal of mine. I hadn't relocated back to Florida and started working at Walt Disney World again. This is a huge goal of mine. I think you understand what I mean now.
Then on June 15th my dear friend Linda Sharp called me. She said she was going into the hospital Thursday afternoon. She wanted to know if I would watch her daughter April at her house for her. I said yes. It is important for April to have a routine that doesn't change too much. April is 30 years old and had down syndrome. I have known April for almost four years now. Linda was only suppose to be in the hospital until Monday. My staying and caring for April became much longer. Linda was seriously ill. I was enjoying the daily contact with April. She basically stole my heart. I enjoyed making sure she was ready every morning for her school and then making dinner every night. I enjoyed doing her night time routine of different projects for each day. I enjoyed getting to know April more and more each day. April and I both love music, wrestle and Disney. (In fact April's nick name for me is Mickey Mouse.)
My friend Linda was getting worse. She was now in ICU on life support because her colon and intestines had exploded. She was toxic. Linda was still responsive. She set it up where I was allowed to know her medical information and care for April. I was given permission to try and find her family. (I knew this would be hard because Linda had had a fallen out with her family.They hadn't spoken for almost a year now.) I went through house trying to find her family. I wasn't having any luck finding their contact information.
During this time I was also still caring for April and Judi too.(My friend I normally care for) It always seemed like I was going from house to house. I was staying at Linda's to be with April more.
About a week after Linda was in ICU I finally did what I didn't want to do and posted on Linda's Facebook page a plea for her family to contact me. Linda's late husband's side of the family contacted me first. Then Linda's sister contacted me on June 26th. I gave her the information about Linda. She now coordinated from out of the state the care for Linda with her doctors. I still cared for April. Linda was still in ICU. She was only getting worse. I was concerned about April and the impact of loosing her mother would have on her.
I talked to several friends and family members about my concern. I shared how much I loved April. I shared how I would love to take care of April forever. I was met with some surprising responses. Almost everyone of my friends told me they didn't think I could care for April. They told me how I couldn't even care for myself. They said if it wasn't for Judi doing everything for me I wouldn't be making it. They said due to my panic attacks I wasn't able to provide care for anyone on a full time bases. It is a great gesture but I couldn't do it. (There are no words to describe how much this hurt me and still does.)
I was still concerned about what would happen to April when Linda died so I talked with the staff at April's school who have been working with April since she was 18. They knew Linda and April well. I asked what would happen to April when Linda died. I was told by April's caseworker that Linda had begin the process for putting April into the group home. This group home was one that was like family. They did outings together. They did vacations together. They make and have dinners together. April had four friends from school already there. They shared this with April and she was excited about going into the group home. She was excited because she knew she could see me as often as she wanted. To be honest I was excited about still getting to be a part of April's life. I love this lady. She and I had become such close friends. We did everything together now. It is hard explain how much I love April. I had never understood what parents meant when they said "their kids had just stolen theirs hearts and they were happy about it" until the time with April. I couldn't even imagine my life without her in it. So now I knew what Linda had had planned for April I began to talk with April about her mother dying. We spent many nights awake all night with April crying in my arms. We talked about how her mom would be joining her dad in heaven. We talked about how Linda wasn't ever totally gone from April because April had Linda's love and memories in her heart and mind. We talked about April having pictures and stories of her mom to share with anyone she meets. We talked about April still being able to see me. We talked about April and I still doing crafts, cooking, music, and wrestle together. We talked about April getting to start a new chapter in her life. We talked about everything. I continued to be there for April and Judi. Then my dad went into the hospital. He had a bleeding ulcer and then it went from there. (My dad has serious heart and diabetes issues already so we were concerned about him. Especially my mom.) So I was now taking care of Judi, April, going to visit Linda and my dad. I was stressed. I was worried. I was concerned. Sadly, staying on the healthy food plan I was doing was gone. Also I wasn't exercising. I just couldn't seem to find the time or the will. (Yes I know this wasn't a healthy way to deal with any of the things happening in my life.) I kept making sure that April was alright. My biggest concern was making sure she would be alright. I did m best to keep her life as normal as possible but lets face it it was very different now. Life continued like this for me through the remainder of June and into July. My dad did come home from the hospital. I was relieved. I was also now having a hard time finding out how Linda was doing because not family but yet Linda had set it up where I could be notified. Also I was the one caring for April, her daughter.
Linda's sister told me that when Linda died she would come and get April and take her with her. (Now she lives in another state.) I told April's school and case worker. They informed me that it was April's choice where she lived and who she wanted to be in charge of ensuring she was taken care of. They explained to April and she said she wanted to go into the group home. That night April asked me if I would ever leave her. I told April no. I was always going to be her friend and in her life. April slept good that night.
July 12th my friend Judi was having a bad night. She needed me at my house that night. So April and I stayed there. Linda's sister showed up that night. (Well really early morning of the 13th.) She was now staying at Linda's house. That morning I took a cab with April to her school with April. Dropped April there. Then I got a ride from Linda's pastors wife and we went to Linda's house. They had food to drop off for them. I then went and got Linda's car from the shop. I went back to April's school to tell them that her aunt was now here and April would be going home on the bus to her aunt at her house. They said no. April was going into the group home that afternoon. I was asked to take April to get all the information from the bank that was needed. I did. We went back to her school. Then April said she didn't want to stay at school and wanted to spend the day with me. So I took April with me for the day. We went and had lunch and then to Judi's to help her out.
After this I got a lot of text messages from Linda's sister wanting to know Judi's address to come get April. Well I couldn't do that because of the rules Judi has about letting people know where she lives. Later when I had April at the group home looking at her new room Linda's sister shows up. My world began to crash at this point. (I can't share anymore details than this.)
The next day, July 14th I was at April's school main office to turn all receipts and the journal I kept from the time I began taking care of April. I also turned Linda's and April's bank card to them. They made copies for Linda's sister, them and me. During this time I began to have huge chest pains. (I'd been having slight ones for a week now.) I began to sweat really bad. I was only able to take short breaths. I figured I was having the beginnings of a panic attack but this felt different than the panic attacks I have. I didn't say anything to anyone because I wanted to be sure the copies were all made & signed before I said anything. When we finished the staff on their own called the nurse. She checked me out and said lets get you to the ER. She gave me a ride to the hospital ER. I didn't wait the ER put me on an EKG. I was told it wasn't a heart attack but I did have signs of something being wrong with my heart. I was put in a room in the ER. Then they did lots of blood work. I texted Linda's sister that the card was turned in and I was in the hospital ER. She stopped by and visited me for a few minutes to tell me how April was now happy to be going with her. She also told me they were pulling the plug on Linda that afternoon. She said she hoped I felt better. A few minutes after she left my mom arrived. (I was very happy to see my mom.) I told her how April was going to be gone. I wouldn't be seeing her. I told her that they taking the life support off Linda that afternoon. I was so worried about how April was going to handle that. I kept telling my mom this over and over. I also kept telling my mom I was concerned about Judi she wasn't doing very good. My mom kept telling me to not worry. But I kept thinking of April.
The doctor came in and said I was being admitted because my blood work showed signs of a blood clot. I didn't want to be admitted because I wanted to tell Linda goodbye and see April one last time. I wanted to give her a hug. But my mom and the doctor finally convinced me that I needed to go in the hospital. I agreed. I then told my mom to go check and help out Judi. She left. Then the X-Ray techs came in and took me to do a test. I saw the tube machine as I was being pushed into the door. I grabbed both sides of the door. I said "NO" NO!" I'm not going in that tube!" I was really having a panic attack now. This was like the ones I was used to having. I was shaking. I was crying. I was hysterical. The techs said "Ma'am you have to have this test because they're concerned about a blood clot in the lungs." This didn't help me calm down. This news made me worse. I said I wasn't even told this by the doctor and I wasn't told about the test. They responded "We'll take you back to the room and have the doctor give you something to calm down." They took me back to the room. I texted my mom about what happened and about their concern about the blood clot too. I then tried to clam down. I started doing my self talk and slowing down my breathing. Then the techs came back in and told me they had another way to test but it would be longer but not in a tube. I agreed to this test. I went to do this test. Then after the test was done I was transferred to a regular room on the cardiac floor. Then my mom came into the room. (Poor thing looked very pale and concerned.) I told her about the alternate way to test I had done. We talked for a while. Then she went to Judi's for the night. That night a friend sat with me for several hours. I then got a call from another friend that Linda had passed away that afternoon. I wanted to just cry but I couldn't let it all go yet. (Linda's sister didn't tell me anything.) I notified all the family & friends about her passing away. I did this in hospital. I was supposed to be calming down and trying to rest but I was calling to notify people about Linda's passing away. Then I get a call from the funeral home Linda was released to. Linda's sister refused to bury Linda. She refused to make any arrangements. The guy told me that it was on me and the other friend because Linda had put us down on her contact information and emergency contact. It was now our responsibility. I kept trying to interrupt the guy but he kept demanding to know what I wanted done with Linda's body. I said "SIR! I wasn't even allowed to see Linda or have information about her in the end and it is now my responsibility to bury her? How?" He said because when the sister refused to bury her it went to you and the other friend. I finally said really loud "SIR I'M IN THE HOSPITAL! I might have a blood clot in my lungs. I have had a huge panic attack because of how this was handled and now you're bugging me about what to do bury my friend. I can't think right now." He said he was sorry but he needed to know tonight. Then he said I'll try the other friend. I hung up. I finished visiting with my friend. She left. Then I tried to sleep. It didn't work at all. Then I just started crying. I cried most of the night. Nurses kept coming in and sitting with me. The next morning found out it wasn't a blood clot in the lungs. They didn't know where it was. They were going to do a cardiac anagram procedure the next day around noon. I told my mom and my friends. I also kept trying to make sure that April was alright. I was still being contacted by people that knew Linda. I kept wanting to sleep but it wasn't happening. They kept giving me medicine to help me relax and sleep but it wasn't happening. The nurses were like you should be passed out. I just wasn't sleeping. I couldn't get my mind to stop being worried about April. I couldn't keep my mind from thinking about maybe I handled this situation wrong because the group home Linda wanted April in instead of with her sister didn't happen. Then of course my mind went to why didn't Linda write out a will? Then I get mad at Linda for not doing that. Then I'd mad at myself for being mad at Linda. Whenever anyone left the room I would cry and cry. I wasn't really talking to people I knew.
That night the nurse came in and bought me the paper work to sign for the procedure the next day. She kept stressing over and over that due to my weight there was a chance I wouldn't make it. In fact the odds were against me because of my weight. Now I was really concerned about this procedure. I thought about my family and friends. I thought about even the ones I was upset with. Their comments about how I couldn't care for April because I couldn't care for myself kept going through my mind. I didn't want my family not to know what to do with me if I died or was put on life support. I wrote it all out. Then I wrote my will. I wrote my funeral service and details about the party afterwards. I wrote a good bye message to my friends. Then wrote messages to my family. I had lots of prayers and talk with God too. I stayed awake until 4:57 a.m. doing this. I finally fall asleep and the nurses came in about 6 to finish prepping me for the procedure.
(It's now the 16th) I had the procedure. I was giving strong meds but didn't sleep during it. I sang the entire time. (I've been told this by the doctor and nurses. They were playing 60's music and a couple Monkees songs came on. I really like them.) After it I slept for a couple hours but my mom said it was restless sleep. When I was finally allowed to move around I didn't want to stay in bed. I was walking all around the room. I just couldn't be still. I couldn't calm down. I had another restless night. I was now tired of being in the hospital. I wanted to go home and make sure for myself that Judi was alright. I wanted to see my fur babies. I missed my cats. I wanted sleep most of all. The next day the 17th, I did get a couple hours of sleep and also got to walk around the hospital floor I was on. I just kept walking. They finally made me get back into the bed. I got some sleep off and on this day. Thankfully I got 4 hours of sleep that night.
Monday the 18th at 3 p.m. I got to come home. I kept trying to help out Judi who finally made me go to bed. I did basically nothing till Friday.
I got the Monkees tickets as a birthday present. I went to the concert that night. I had a lot of fun. It was a great concert. For the first time in a while all I did was focus on the music and the fun.
I've been kind of disconnected from me. I haven't heard from April. I miss her. I have been unable to get back at it.
I feel like there is a hole in my heart. I feel disconnected from my life. I'm not even sure of what I want. I'm unsure of my next step. I'm forcing myself to get back to normal for me. I forcing myself to connect with friends again. I'm forcing myself to walk again. I feel numb. I just want, well that's just it I don't know. I'd love to just have the time to be alone for about 4 or 5 days and just think, read some books, work on my story, and even nothing at all. I know this isn't possible but it is would be nice.
So today I'm writing again. I'm going to work on everything that needs to be caught up on. Then tomorrow I'll get up and go at it again.
To see where my journey began read:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
http://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
htpp://www.Twitter.com/Change2Healthy
