My story so far........

Well I am only doing this because people keep telling I have a story that will inspire people. I don't see it. However, when over 30 people in less than a month suggest that you start a blog so I can share my story with people you begin to listen. [I am a technology challenged person and have never done anything like this. I do FB and that's about it. So I will be learning this Blog thing as I go] Well in order for this blog to work I have to be honest and share the whole story and from here on out be honest about everything I write. Good and bad. Here's my story and if it helps someone then I am blessed.

My story as of August 27, 2013 at 9:22p.m.

Well I just don’t know what to put here because I don’t think I have a story that is worth sharing. I don’t see where anyone would find anything in my story. But to make some people happy I am going to write out some things about my life that some might call a story.

To really get to know me one has to know me from the beginning. You see I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t over weight. I don’t remember a time when I felt like I fit or belonged anywhere. I have always been what people would call a nervous one. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t nervous. I know that this got worse when I was 12 years old. The sixth grade was a terrible year for me. I started having panic attacks just when I tried to go to school or even other normal everyday stuff. My best friend since I was one was killed by a drunk driver. The year was just terrible for me. I started having terrible nightmares and was unable to get a good night’s sleep. Everything was surrounding me and I couldn’t take it. So I tried to kill myself. I didn’t succeed at killing myself. In fact, the only thing I achieve was making things worse for me. It didn’t get any better. My panic attacks got worse and because of them I got made fun of at school. I really didn’t want to go to school now. I turned to food as my comfort and it became my friend. I really gained weight. I was wearing a size 18W in the sixth grade. I could wear my mom’s clothes. That year there were two things that I did right. The first was my writing. The second was the fact that I was learning sign language. I was so nervous and even having panic attacks at home to the point that I would hide out in my room. I would write or sign music for hours. The one album I signed over and over was New Kids on the Block Hangin’ Tough. I knew how to sign their music even before I could sign a conversation. It came naturally to me. It kept me from giving up. It kept me from going crazy. That is the only thing I could do correctly during this time.

I’d like to say that my life improved from here but really it didn’t. Seventh grade got worse for me. I still had the panic attacks and had them so bad that I fought against going school or doing much outside of my room. The times I did make it to school I would shake so bad and cry that kids would make fun of me. They were to the point of being bullies. My self confidence was none. I was gaining even more weight. My nightmares were getting worse and now I was starting to remember them in the day time too. I just couldn’t get anything to go right. I had friends but they didn’t understand what was happening to me and they got to where they couldn’t be around me either. I had one friend who tried to help and stayed with me. I could hang out at her house on weekends but even there I would still have moments of sheer panic.

This was just basically a horrid year so much so that I started researching how to kill myself. I hated the sight of blood so I knew it had to be with pills. I also knew who was selling them at school. I tried to find another way but it just didn’t present itself. My panic attacks were causing huge problems at home. My few friends didn’t know how to deal with me. I was being made fun at school and now even by the church’s youth group. I just felt like that there was no hope for me. So I went to school and bought the pills from a girl in the locker room. I waited till everyone went to gym. I went to the water fountain and took 5 of the pills. Then something caught my eye. It was a magazine thrown on the floor. It had a picture of New Kids on the Block. I hadn’t read this one yet. I filled a cup full of water and picked up the magazine (to this day I don’t know what made me do this) and went and sat by my locker. I took 2 more pills and read the article. It had an interview with Jonathan Knight in it. My favorite so I really read it. (Again I don’t know why I was reading this) The one question that got to me was
“What would you say to someone who wants to quit or who is experiencing a hard time?”

Jon’s answer spoke right to my heart. “I would tell anyone never quit. The light might just be around the corner.” His eyes looked like he really knew what he was talking about.

I started crying and I got up and flushed the remaining pills down the toilet and made myself throw up the pills I had already taken. I sat there and cried my eyes out. I reread the article. I tore it out of the magazine and put it in my wallet. I reread this article many times in my life.

I’d like to say that my life suddenly improved but it didn’t. I gained a lot of weight that year. I was in the 7^th grade and wearing a 24W now. I remember that summer my mom having one of the first talks she had with me about how I have gained way too much weight. So I agreed to go on a diet and I did. I worked out to Richard Simmons video every day. I lost 16 pounds that summer but that was it. At the end of the summer my family moved again. I would be going to a new school. I hate change. I always have. I tried to convince myself it would be different. I wouldn’t panic. I wouldn’t go crazy and I’d have friends and be able to go to school and be normal. Well it didn’t. My life continued this way for the remaining years of my school years. I would have so many panic attacks. I would be so afraid of having them that I wouldn’t want to leave my room or do anything because if I had one I would look like a fool. I would bring such shame to my family. I fought against going to school so much that I became home schooled. This didn’t stop the panic attacks though because I would have them at home and cause problems at home. My parents had so many fights because of me. I felt so bad for my little brother and sister because they had me as a sister. My sister had to in many ways defend me all the time. [I was the oldest I should have been the one looking out for them.] I just felt guilty and like a failure all the time. I let them down especially my sister. I dealt with the after math of my panic attacks by either yelling and screaming or just being mean to them.

By the time I was 17 I was wearing a size 28/30 W. I was bigger than anyone I knew, including my mom.  I think I had done every diet there was by this time. I always failed. I had no self-confidence and my panic attacks were always there and it seemed like there was no break for them. I was even at a trade training school and I was given nick name as crazy Marie. Don’t talk to her because she flips out. I had no self-confidence even though I tried my best to come across as someone who did. The only thing that was going good for me was still my writing and my signing. Other than that my life was out of control and so was my weight. I did so many stupid things and then dealing with the result I ate. Eating was something I could do correctly.

While working as an interpreter for a school, 97 to 98, I had several panic attacks. The staff at this school sure wasn’t nice to me. They started treating me like someone who was crazy. I also was attacked one night in my apartment. Horrid night. When I told the police I was so scared and in the middle of a panic attack I was out of control and couldn’t talk. They treated me as if I was a crazy woman. My case was never looked into because of that. I am quoting here “You have a track record of being crazy. Why would anyone believe you?” I eventually lost my interpreting job because I couldn’t function. I couldn’t hardly leave my apartment let alone work. I was a wreck when I went back home. I never told anyone. I was just too ashamed.

My ability to find work or keep a job was affected by my panic attacks. I’d have panic attacks at work or so afraid of having one I’d call in sick. They would have to let me go. This was a never ending cycle. It seemed I was doomed to just have panic attack after panic attack. I ate to deal with everything. I’d have nightmares and I would eat. I’d have a panic attack and I would eat. I became the member of the family that everyone talked about in a hushed whispered tone. [I know this because I walked in on them doing it.] I hated myself. I read and read and read again the article that saved my life. I read it so much it was falling apart and eventually fell into too many pieces and was gone. I tried every diet and every counselor I could find or pay for and they all failed. My life continued this way without any change.

I met a friend named Judi who had the ability to see “the me” that was beyond this whole mess. She saw “the me” who was hurting and struggling just to make it. She decided she would help me. I tried not to become friends with her but she wouldn’t leave and we became friends. She was a retired special education teacher. She taught me so many things to do that would help me with my panic attacks. She convinced me I wasn’t crazy. She got me to go to therapy for my panic attacks and dealing with the attack. I did but when funding ran out so did my therapy. But I continued to research and started dealing with my attacks.

In my research I came across a video that was several years old. This clip encouraged me so much. I saw the clip of the Oprah show that Jon Knight did about panic attacks and he was having one and yet still went on the show. That was one of the bravest thing I have ever seen. It inspired me to believe I could have the life I wanted. I had to take it moment by moment but I started to live again. I even enrolled in college. I faced my fear every day. I still had the panic attacks but I just continued to keep going. I struggled everyday but each day became easier and easier. My third semester of college I applied and did a Disney internship. That was a moment of pure joy. I was standing on Main Street USA when it closed and I was caught in the middle of everyone. I just started smiling beyond belief because I wasn’t having a panic attack. I felt so successful for the first time in my life.

I continued college and working with WDW and I was enjoying my life. However, I still just ate my way through life and my emotions. I didn’t deal with my night mares I would just wake up and eat something to try and hide the pain and the shame. Besides the weight had become a barrier of protection. I still didn’t let new people in my life. This caught up with me in a bad way. My health went out of control and I also started not being able to keep up with my work. This led to panic attacks [I never quit having them but now they were getting more frequent again and even more out of control.]  In 2009, I had to quit my job at Disney because I couldn’t keep up nor could I keep the panic attacks from happening. I started calling into work and basically ruined my dream job. [I never let anyone know what was really happening to me. I was just so ashamed. I just lied so no one would know the truth. This broke my heart and my dreams. I felt like there was nothing left for me. I came back home numb. I just didn’t feel anything. I made sure that I kept this a secret because I didn’t want my family to start looking at me as crazy again. But there were moments when you just can’t hide your sadness or a panic attack unless you pull away from the world. I did. I just barely lived. I stayed away from family as much as possible.

I began hating myself in a new way. Now I wasn’t even successful at my dream job. I could never lose weight, I thought I was doomed to just be a failure. Yes I know pity party but I was having one and all I saw around me was darkness. I saw nothing but fear, pain and sheer panic for me for the rest of my life. I was a prisoner to my panic and my weight. I had tried just about every diet program out there and they all failed. I now weighed so much that I couldn’t hardly move. I weighed 459 pounds. I was a size 44/46 W. I am in constant pain. There is not a day where I am not in pain.

Besides that I felt like there would never be any light for me. I would never come back to life. I was waiting for God to take me home. Believe me I wanted to die. I would go from getting very little sleep to sleeping for days. I had no will or desire to even try anymore. Night after night I would just lay in bed and want to die. I was having panic attacks in my own house and in my own room. I just no longer had control over anything. I wondered why I was allowed to live. I was pulling away from my family and friends. I would make excuse after excuse not to leave my house. If I couldn’t get out of it I would act like everything was alright but it wasn’t. I would just sit there and not talk unless I had to. (Doing anything beyond that was just too much for me.) I became extremely disconnected from every one including myself. I hadn’t written anything in years I was now not signing anything either. I gave away or sold almost everything that I had interest in. I just was drowning inside. Now there were small moments of life during this time but nothing would ever take away from all the darkness the panic I was feeling. This hit a boiling point in 2010 when I was supposed to go on a vacation with my best friend and my sister’s family to WDW. Well I even tried to get out of it before we left. No one would let me out of it. The trip was terrible for me. I didn’t enjoy it. I used the fact that I had gotten a bit sun burned and made it worse than it was and stayed in my room most of the time. I stayed in there crying and shaking. I couldn’t stop this panic that was happening to me. I was so worried about being the one to ruin everything for everyone that I hid this fact from family and friends. I was in my favorite place in the whole world and I was having panic attacks and was miserable. This was when I really just gave up. I didn’t even try. I didn’t care any more.

My life from this point on was basically one of lies. I lied to my friends and family and tried to act as if I was alright. I lied to everyone by acting like I was trying to live. When in reality I was dead on the inside. I would lie awake in my room begging God to take me to heaven. I gave him all the reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed to live. I quit listen to music I liked. I only did anything Disney related to keep my friends from worrying about me. I learned how to behave with them so no one worried about me. I would FB chat or phone call with them because face to face was hard. I would say my roommate or even myself was sick so I wouldn’t have to have face to face with them. I made no decisions during this time. Having to make a decision or a choice would stress me to the point of panic. I couldn’t do it. I would either sleep for hours on end or I would lay awake begging for relief begging to die. I wasn’t worth knowing.

Then I read on FB how my little sister had lost weight. She did such a wonderful job. I was jealous and curious at the same time. I started watching her as well. I then started listening to her and asking her questions as well. I asked her the same questions over and over. I so wanted to do it but couldn’t afford it. [I was unable to find work or keep work due to the panic attacks and my weight. I was living off the good graces of the few friends I hadn’t run off.] She just smiled and said ok. In the following weeks we had this same conversation many times. She showed up at my house and took me out for dinner. [She is not someone who takes no for an answer] She talked to me in a supportive and yet truthful way. It was what I needed. I told her what I was truly feeling and even that I wanted to die. I was shocked to see my little sister cry. I didn’t think she liked me let alone loved me but there she was with tears in her eyes begging me not to do that because she loved me. OMG My sister loved me. That moment gave me so much light in my life for the first time in sooooooo long. Knowing she loved me even though I was such a mess. That night she convinced me to do the FirstFitness Nutrition 10 day cleanse. I had no money but my sister believed in me and got the detox program and then took me to the store and bought me food. She told me to never go without eating again. She told me never to leave her. She made me promise her that fact.

Well I did the cleanse. I weighed the first day but refused to weigh again till the last day. I was blown away. I lost 11 pounds. I have no words for how that made me feel. I did it. WOW!

Well my sister continued to make sure I had what I needed to achieve my success. I have been doing the program since June and I now have lost 37.9 pounds and 40 inches.

I am writing again. I am signing again. I am doing sign-er-cise to New Kids on the Block. [Signing and dancing to the music] Remix and Back to Life are my theme songs. I still have panic attacks. [Every time I have to get on a scale I have to fight the panic.] I deal with them now. I am breathing again. I do not want to die. I want to live. I want a life. I am on this journey now that I am excited to see where it takes me. I can see the light again. Like Jon Knight said in that article “I would tell anyone never quit. The light might just be around the corner.”  So I am not quitting and looking forward to finding my light.

I am grateful to my sister and brother-in-law for giving me a path to take. I love you guys.

I have goals now. My ultimate goal is not a weight but a size and health. I want to be a size 16/18 W. I know I would have to lose 250 to 275 pounds to achieve this size. I have a long journey but believe me I can do this.

My reward goal is in 2015 I want to go on the New Kids on the Block cruise. I want to go with my sister and celebrate with the people who have inspired me.