Accepting Yourself Flaws and All

Accepting Yourself Flaws and All

I know I haven’t posted anything in a long time. I am sorry. I do have good a reason for not posting. I have been inspired on the story I am writing. I have been writing way into the night and then I’m waking up just to write some more. I’m loving, the creative juices that are running through me right now. It is an exciting journey to be on.

I am still working out and staying focused on improving my health. I love this journey as well. I find that I have so much more energy. I also have found it easier to stay in a positive mood when I work out. I just am becoming a happy person. [I like this because even I hated the grump I had become.]

I have also gotten addicted to Twitter. I have been on there actively less than two months and I love it. I use Twitter just for fun and encouragement and I have received both and then some from Twitter. I have shared my blog and story on twitter and gotten some wonderful words of encouragement from it. In fact, the inspiration for the next part of this blog comes from something that happened on Twitter.

The other day a Twitter friend of mine, [Tammy @Chase_N_Jon] responded to something that Donnie Wahlberg said and her comments stopped me in my tracks and started me thinking and really wondering about the words she wrote. Here’s her comment: “I always tell my kids Always accept and feel comfortable with your flaws, that way no one can ever use them against you.”

I wondered do I really accept or feel comfortable with my flaws. The answer was no. My whole life I have been made fun of for two things-1-My weight and 2-For having panic attacks. During my school years I was bullied and I felt so ashamed of who I was. It got so bad I had to be home schooled. I have never been comfortable with myself. I have even hated myself.

As you all know, I have come to the point in my life where I am changing and facing a lot of fears. But I still wasn’t comfortable with my flaws nor did I accept them. So I have done a lot of soul searching this past week. I really struggled with becoming comfortable with my flaws. I’d like to say I am but that wouldn’t be true. I am becoming comfortable with all of me even my flaws. [Yes even my flaws]

I realize that by being comfortable with my flaws I am not giving someone else the power to keep me down. I now have power over the flaws. So I have panic attacks to the point of no life yet. So I have eaten to hide my emotions to the point now I am fat. It is who I am right now but it isn’t who I always will be. So whatever you say about me I already know. I am me and that is wonderful. [Even my flaws]

 

Roller Coaster Week

The Roller Coaster Week

Well last week went from a high to a low. I felt like I was on a roller coaster. On the 14^th I achieved my first mile stone of 50 pounds gone. (51 actually) I was so thrilled and happy with this success. Then I had a breakthrough in the writing of the story I’m writing. I stayed up the whole night writing on Wednesday. Then Thursday I went to turn my laptop on and it wouldn’t work. Well all my writing is in the laptop. The articles I write about Walt Disney World, the story and a lot of pictures. I know nothing about what to do when a laptop doesn’t work so I started to panic because all I could see was all the work being gone. I had three panic attacks on Thursday. It was an all-around terrible day for me. This was made worse by the fact I have no cell phone so I wasn’t able to get online and stay in contact with my friends. [90% of my friends live out of state] I felt very isolated from everyone. I chat with the people who help me when I have the panic attacks or at my wits end. This was this way till Monday. I had 2 more panic attacks over the weekend. I was blessed to have my laptop fixed by a friend’s husband for free. YEA!!!!!! [I spent all of last night catching up with people and writing in the story.]

I have learned to have a backup of my story and a backup for the backup. [Well for anything I write] I realized while I didn’t have my support system at my fingertips I did survive on my own. It wasn’t easy and I hated it but I did survive. This is a great thing to learn.

When everything crashed around me

Everything Crashed Around

Well yesterday I got up and saw my to-do list and realized this was a busy day. I then turned on the computer [everything I needed to do had to be done online] and my computer went crazy on me. It would turn on but not do anything else. Well I got a bit stressed and tried turning it off and then turning it back on again. This did nothing to fix the problem. I started to get a bit worked up. I had an article to submit which the deadline was coming up. I had to work on my story that I am written. That's when the panic set in. MY story is on this computer that isn't working. OMG! My story. I have put so much time and energy into this story. What if I never see the story again. I turned the laptop off and turned it on again and this nothing to help me out. It was not working. My story is in this laptop that is not working. I am very upset now and crying. My hands are beginning to shake and I am getting more panic by the second. My story, the entire book I am writing is gone. Then I remember my articles for a couple of magazines are now gone as well. All of my pictures have been scanned and are on this computer. OMG!!!! My life is on this laptop that wouldn't work. I am now in total and complete panic. All I see is everything is gone. I am now trying to breathe and catch my breathe but I just am getting worse and now I can't focus on anything but the fact that I lose my work. I am so mad. I just want it all back.

I call my sister in a panic [she's a computer IT person.] I

then call my friend whose husband is an IT guy and leave them a message. I call another friend who answers, Thank God, and talks to me to hope me calm down and refocus. This took almost an hour.

Well the laptop is still not working. However, I have my story. He was able to go in and get it through safe mode and get it to a flash drive for me. I am breathing about that at least. I still can't get online because I have no laptop nor do I have a cell phone so I feel very out of touch.

I am writing this from the library computer on a time limit. This computer also keeps closing on me. URRRR!!!

So I won't be bale to Blog, FB, Twitter, or email for several days. I will miss you all and pray for my nerves to hold up because in the last 2 days I have had 3 panic attacks.

[I hate thee library computer there is a time limit and I can't think well with one of them.]

My Next Major Goal

My Next Major Goal

Yesterday I hit a huge mile stone in my weight loss part of the journey I am on. Since May I have lost 51 pounds J J I still have a LONG way to go. So my next goal is more than just a weight loss number.

1-Well of course I do have a number in mind. I want to get rid of another 25 pounds by December 31, 2013.

2-I am adding more exercise to my routine as well. I have a DVD that I will now do once a day. I will continue the walking and Sign-er-cise I do. I will do these everyday.

I am still excited about the 51 pound victory. JJ I am looking forward to this victory as well.

I DID IT!!!!!!! 50 pounds gone

I Did It!! JJJJJ

I had the personal goal of 50 pounds by October 15^th and guess what. I went from 469 in May to 418 today. I did it. I have lost 51 pounds. Excuse me while I celebrate here. YEA! YEA! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got rid of 50 pounds. I hit and broke through the first major mile stone for me. J J J J J

I have a new goal for this journey and will share it tomorrow. I have to go celebrate with my NKOTB 10 and dance through the house.

Thank you to my sister and brother in law for being there for me. My friends and family thanks you for going on this journey. I love you all. J J J

 

The Results of the Challenge with Jennifer

As you all know I was challenged a month ago to beat Jennifer 22 pound in a month weight loss. Well today is the end of the month. I didn’t beat her numbers. I still feel like I won though because I didn’t quit. I stayed focused and positive. I worked out, and gained so much confidence. I am blessed to have had this chance. I like having smaller goals to work towards to get the big goal achieved.

Tuesday is a big weigh in day for me because I am so close to achieving the first small goal of 50 pounds. I hope to have it done by Tuesday. I am working extra hard to reach this. [I hope to surpass it.] Will update soon.

Jennifer congrats on all your weight loss.

Another thing I have gained is I am learning not to be ashamed of me anymore. I forgive myself when I have panic attacks. I forgive myself for making mistakes. I am learning wonderful things about myself that I love. So yes I think I am winning on this journey I am taking.

What to write...... Week Goal

What to write......Week Goal

Well there are times like today when I just don’t know what to write. I mean I feel like I have nothing to report. My weight loss is still happening but is slow so something new to report is a L.

Well I do have some good news to report. To some this won’t amount to much but to me it is so important. I haven’t had a panic attack since October 3^rd. YEA!!!!!!

I am 4 pounds away from my first 50 pounds. So I made a neo pink poster to put up in my room and give me that extra push. I want to get rid of the four pounds by next Tuesday a week from today. So this is my challenge for the next week. Four more pounds by end of the week. Plus someone “R” said he has $100 for me when I hit it. J J J J J J J

So it is on. I hope everyone has a blessed week and what is your goal for the next week?

Blessings of Friends

Blessings of Friends

This week has made realize just how precious it is to have true friends. I have been blessed to have that this week and in my life. Since I have been honest with myself and friends about the panic attacks I have been blown away and honored by my friends support and love. It has touched my heart, soul and life in so many ways. It is so many things they do from just telling me hi, to listening, to being there and the biggest they didn’t judge me nor think I was crazy. I have a friend who lives in another state and still sat up with me so I didn’t feel so alone. I had one call and say “I just thought you needed someone to tell you, you’re loved.” To the cute pictures on FB and Twitter that make me smile or laugh or a call to tell me to breathe and smile because I am some body. This week three friends give me a ride no questions asked. I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends.

I want to say that I am grateful to my friends old and some new ones I have made recently. I love you so much. I do appreciate all the little things, big things and everything in between you do for me. I love you all.

Panic of the Night

The Panic of the Night

Last night was a night where the panic set in and once it was in I couldn’t get it out. It was a long night of just trying to refocus my mind and make myself understand I was safe. I was going to be alright. I didn’t do that for quite a while. After an hour of trying to talk myself out of the attack I decided to try something new and I started writing on Twitter to force myself to think. It didn’t work very fast but it did help. Below are my tweets from last night in order as they happened. What it doesn’t show is the time lapse between each one. All of these tweets were written in over an hour time. Here are the tweets:

1-Mind won't stop. Thought about tomorrow & all its stuff & now the panic set in wishing I could breathe. Hoping writing re focuses me 2 calm

2-Not working can't calm down. want to breathe everything is crushing &surrounding me. Want all to go away hate when panic set in need calmer

3-Thinking of my safe place & telling myself I am ok I'm safe not helping. Want to breathe & not shake hate being alone right now

4-Trying some music now "10" playing again trying to refocus mind to music only. Nothing else

5-Amazing how much music can help return you to calm. I can breathe easier again. Grateful for "10" by NKOTB right now. Going to just breathe

Here is what I put on FB:

Bad night. Mind won't stop. Can't refocus. Must calm down. Can't breathe. Why is everything crushing down upon me? I want it all to stop and go away. I can't breathe. I just want this to stop. My body won't calm down and can't refocus.

I just want to breathe.

It was a bad night all around for me. I wish I could explain it better what I feel when having panic attack but I haven’t found the words yet. All I know is the extreme fear and feeling of everything crushing you. I feel like everything is squeezing around me and I can’t stop it. And even that doesn’t describe it well.

I said I would be honest when I did this but let me say it is scary because then everyone knows what I have tried to hide for years. Letting the walls down is a good thing but scary as well.

My Night

My Night J

WOW I had a night. I was struggle really bad tonight. I had a lot of business that I had to do today and I couldn’t put off making a decision any longer. I am not good at decision making at all. I always get really worked up about it. I also couldn’t walk today still dealing with the fall I had a few days ago and my legs and ribs are in a lot of pain. I miss walking. But I was having a bad night. Plus not getting a lot of sleep with terrible memories keeping me up so I was having a terrible night. My nerves were shot. I was trying to just focus on other things because I didn’t want to have a panic attack again.

Then something happened that made me smile and smile and then just get in a much better mood. As you all know I am a New Kids On the Block fan. Huge Jonathan Knight fan. He is my hero. Well I was on Twitter [which I am still learning] and a friend pointed out to me that Donnie Wahlberg was following me. I didn’t believe her at first and then when I saw it I went a little nuts. OK I got excited. WOW made me just smile and so happy. I am it is DONNIE WAHLBERG. It is one of the New Kids on the Block. It was wonderful for me to have this happen. I know it isn’t Jon but I am still on cloud nine.

So I am grateful to a New Kid again for helping me. I just wish I could tell Jon thanks for saving my life in person. But hey when reach weight loss goals and go on the New Kids cruise as reward maybe I could tell him then. J

It Amazes Me

It is Amazing J

What amazes me the most about this journey I am on is how much my body and life is changing in small ways that add up. Let me explain:

1-As you all I know I am extremely over weight and moving around was something that took a lot of effort on my part. The pain from my hips down would be so bad sometimes I could barely move around my room let alone go for a walk. I am now able to walk around my neighborhood. Yes I still have pain in my legs but each day it is easier to do. I am walking better as well. I miss not walking when I don’t do it. I have never been like that before. This carries over into everyday activities of my life as well.

2- My overall health is slowly improving as well. I mean this in the physical, mental and emotional sense. The physical is more obvious. I am breathing better. I can move better. I am no longer this ugly shade of gray. [I am not kidding at times I looked gray] Amazing what having blood going through your body can do for a person.

The mental is not as easy to see but I notice. For example I haven’t quit and started something else. I am focused on making this work. I also have some confidence now. Each day it builds more and more. I am learning to be honest with myself and also how to forgive myself. As you all know I am struggling with panic attacks and I had a big one recently and was so mad at myself for letting it happen. But instead of shutting back into my world of safety I am still out here and I keep going. This is a huge change for me.

Emotionally I am able to say I don’t hate me anymore. There are aspects I don’t like and I am changing but I don’t hate me. In fact I am learning to like me. I might even say love me. [I have never said love me before.] I see this woman looking back at me in the mirror now I must say every day I like what I see more and more. I am allowing myself to be more open with people. I am not talking about strangers I am talking about family and friends. I am allowing myself to be love and I hope start to show more love to others. I have a huge hole in the brick wall I have had around my heart and life. I hope this whole keeps spreading and soon the wall is gone.

This is just a few of the things that amaze me on this journey.