I'm Back on Here!

I’m Back on Here!

I’m finally able to get back on here. This technology challenged lady somehow locked herself out of my own blog. I have no idea how I did it either. It finally just accepted my same old password.
I have been busy. I mean very busy.

Change to Healthy Journey
I am working on with Salvation Army ringing the bell. I can’t just stand there ringing so I walk back and forth. I’ve even been caught a copy of times dancing. [Well dancing for me] I have it. Now my legs hurt beyond measure. My feet hurt worse. I know my weight doesn’t help this but I know by next year I’ll be able to so much easier with far less pain.
I am still plugging away on First Fitness Nutrition. I love this program because it is easy to do and makes a lot of sense. I am learning how to be healthy. I love how much healthier I feel. I have more energy now. I hate when I have to sit down because my legs need a break. I want to go, do and be active. I love the new me I am becoming.

One of my favorite products right now is the Body FX shakes. I love the tropical crème flavor. I add SF vanilla pudding and man does this shake taste so GOOOOOD! I have an insulated 52oz mug I take this shake with me to work. I make it in the morning with 2 cups of water, the mix and teaspoon of SF vanilla pudding and then fill the blender with ice. It is a good thick shake that travels. This enables me to stay healthy while I am out and about at different places each day and working. It is a great lunch. I pack a small salad of Romaine lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers and mushrooms. I have a shake and a salad for lunch. It is completely healthy. I love it. I can easily have healthy lunch and still be on the program.

Now I want to say something here. This program is not just shakes. Oh no! You have so much food to eat and choose from. You learn so much about healthy choices. Your taste changes and begins to crave the healthy. You prepare so much fresh ingredients and food. Yes the shake is a huge help but it is just one of many tools that help me change my life to healthy.

Great News is I’m losing inches. I’m wearing some blouses I haven’t been able to wear for years. I’m starting to get excited about clothes again.

Panic and Anxiety
I had someone ask me if this still made an appearance in my life. Yes it does. Yes it is an issue in my life. In fact, just yesterday I was working ringing the bell and the store I was working at got super busy. People coming in and out of the store. This store only had one entrance and exit. It got super busy and crowed. I mean crowed! I have never liked crowds. Well I started to feel trapped and wanted away. I hate feeling trapped. Now when ringing the bell I have to keep smiling and greeting people. The shaking helped ring the bell. I just kept ringing the bell. For about an hour I was a nervous and jumping. I just propped myself up against the wall behind me and kept smiling. It was a fake smile but I was still there. I wasn’t running away from the job. I was still there. When the store business slowed down I began to feel better again. I felt like I was going to be alright.

Yes my nerves still get to me. Yes I still do not like this part of me. It drives me crazy. However, I’m learning so much about just accepting this is who I am and I can still have a wonderful life.

To see where I began this journey please read my first blog posting:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

 

Transformation Day 1-4 I have lost some weight! YES!!!!

Transformation Day 1-4 I have lost some weight! YES!!!!

Day one continue…..

Soon after I posted my day one blog I went to catch the bus. I missed it so went back and sat in Library lobby area. I was on my laptop, with my ear phones on when someone came up behind me and grabbed me and yelled “Got You!” This sent me into panic mode. I jumped up and almost dropped my laptop on the floor. Thankfully I caught it. I finally was able to turn around and the guy’s face was shocked. He let go of me. He kept saying he was sorry. He thought I was someone else. By this point I am shaking. I am trying to stay clam but it isn’t happening. I quickly pack up my laptop and grab my purse and go out to the bus stop. I was hoping the fresh air and being away from the situation would help me. I get to the bus stop and two guys are fighting over who gets to sit where on the bench. [Seriously they are fighting over a public bench.] I just stand off to the side and try to just focus on listening to my MP3 player. The bus comes and both of the guys fighting run off in different directions. I get on the bus. I sit with my ear phones on and people still kept trying to talk to me. They would touch my leg or arm to get my attention. This did not help me calm down. I transferred buses and by this time the MP3 player was dead. I finally get to Kroger and go inside. I manage to get some of the groceries in my cart then I just start shaking all over. I go and sit down at tables in the deli area. I get a drink and something to eat. I text my mom and then the next text I get said “Your dad is on his way” This 39 year old lady was very relieved that her daddy was on his way. I finished my drink and then got a few more groceries to make it through the weekend and went outside to wait for him. I got home and by this time I was calmer. I put groceries away and made dinner. Then just before I went to bed I plugged in the room heater and it popped and then wouldn’t turn on. I then added it to my list of things I needed to buy. Then everything hit me again and I just sat in my bed shaking for over an hour. I finally just went to bed.

Day 2-3

I got up and moved on. I enjoyed my morning shake and did my to-do list and exercised. I loved it. It was great.

Day 4- Sunday Morning. I weighed and yes I have lost 6 pounds. I lost these 6 pounds in four days! I am now 442 lbs. This is a wonderful way to start your day. But then it got better.

I was trying to find something to wear to church that wasn’t the same old outfit. I saw a button up shirt that I bought three years ago. I looked for something to wear under it because I have never been able to wear it without something underneath it. I found a shirt but it was way too tight. I was going to wear it anyways. I put on the button up shirt and realize that it not only buttons but it even a little baggy on me. I must tell you I did a little happy dance! I wore that shirt buttoned up to church. I felt like I had on a new outfit. I do love losing inches. It is a great thing! I shared the news with my church family and they were all as excited as I was over this news. It was wonderful!!

I didn’t measure inches until I got home from church and I was excited then too! I had lost inches. I love FirstFitness Nutrition! It is wonderful!

Here is my measurements on Day 4- November 22, 2015

Old                                                    New

Weight: 448.8                                   442.0

Waist: 51”                                         50”

Upper arms- R- 21.5” L-21”             R-20.5” L-20.5

Thighs- R-45” L-47”                         R-45” L-47”

Bust/chest- 50”                                 50”

Hips- 79”                                          79”

Check out my FirstFitness website: http://breakingfree.firstfitness.com/

Facebook account that goes with this blog:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

To see where I began this journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

Transformation Day One Part Two

Transformation Day One Part Two

I realized my before pictures didn't post with my last blog. Here they are now.
I hope this works. I'm having trouble using my tablet to post on this blog.

Transformation Day 1

Transformation Day 1

I have started my own business. Yes I know you all are aware of this fact. I started FirstFitness Nutrition and I am a Sr. Distributor. I have my website all set up- www.breakingfree.firstfitness.com and yet I didn’t start using the products again.

Now I know several of you are reading this going WHY?????? Or WHAT!!!!!!!!!

Here is the reason: I didn’t have the money to buy the food yet. I had food but it was what I got from the food bank. I wasn’t going to start taking the products and not also be eating the healthy food to go along with it. That is a waste of time. It isn’t doing the program honestly and correctly. I wanted to give everything I had to this program. I wanted to be honest and do it right. Well now I have money to buy the healthier food. I am on Day 1. I am going grocery shopping and doing the program off right.

Let me explain what I am doing. I’m doing FirstFitness Nutrition-Suddenly Slim Transformation Weight Loss Program. I am loving it. I have been doing the program all day today and it is great! I haven’t been hungry. I haven’t felt stressed about making sure I am doing everything correct because it is a simple program.

I measured myself and weighed today too.

Weight: 448.8

Waist: 51”

Upper arms- R- 21.5” L-21”
Thighs- R-45” L-47”

Bust/chest- 50"

Hips- 79”

This is where I am today. I have set a goal for myself to lose 20 pounds and 20 inches this month. I know that is a lot but I want to achieve this goal. I believe I will achieve this goal. I will keep everything updated. Here is my Day 1 Pictures.

 

 

 

 

I am looking forward to this journey!

Check out my FirstFitness website: http://breakingfree.firstfitness.com/

Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

To see where I began this journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

 

I Have Started My Own Business

I Started My Own Business

Update:
First of all, no I have not quit. No I am not died. I just don’t have internet. I miss it. I hope to make enough soon to be able to get the internet back in my house. I have faith I will have internet soon. I have still been walking and adding/trying new things to make myself healthier. I have also been really buy working on lesson plans for the Wednesday night class I teach and activities for their class. Then I have been so inspired with the writing I do that I haven’t made it to the library as often as I thought I would.

As you all know I have been looking for a job for a long time now. I keep getting employers who love my resume but think I can’t keep up. I know this because I have had employers tell me that. I am beyond frustrated. There are so many things that having a paycheck will provide for you. Believe me I know this for a fact. I need a paycheck. I’m living off food banks and a friend who lets me stay with her in exchange for taking care of her. [Thankful for this fact.] I found myself at a complete loss at what to do. I needed a job. I have student loans and medical bills piling up. I wanted to be able to still do the FirstFitness Nutrition program. [Because it worked] I was getting desperate. The amount of stress not having a job can do to someone is crazy. My nerves have been giving me fits. I seemed to not be able to anything to help add myself in getting this job. I felt like I was in a downward spiral. Nothing seemed to be working! I was starting to have panic attacks again over doing things I do every day. Leaving my house was becoming hard again. [Yes this lead to me having trouble leaving my house to go to the library. I started to struggle just to leave my house again. I was getting depressed again. This isn’t good because that is a dark hole to climb out. I was no longer able to afford FirstFitness. I wasn’t even able to buy food. [Food banks gave food but lots of sweets, snacks, pasta, and not a lot else. Grateful to have food but this only adds to the problem of gaining weight.] I was desperate. I prayed for God to provide a way for me to do FirstFitness Nutrition and find a job. I was pleading for this to happen.

My New Adventure!

That night when I got home I received a text from someone telling me they had talked to my sister, Chelley and wanted to help me become a distributor. [They want to anonymous] I had no idea why this person would do that. I picked up my phone and called Chelley. I asked if she knew what was going on. She explained she had been contacted by this person and they were going to help.  She then explained my options. I told her I would think about it. Later that night I realized something. I had way to have not only a job but a business. I had a way to be able to do the FirstFitness Nutrition and start making an income. I had the answer to my prayer. I agreed to do this. Thank God!

I’m excited, nervous and happy to announce I am now a FirstFitness Nutrition distributor. I am selling the product that is helping me become healthier. I love working this program because I not only lost weight, I lost inches of pure fat. I have energy. I don’t feel sick all the time. I love FirstFitness. I love the support I have received from everyone at FirstFitness. It is wonderful. To check out my FirstFitness Nutrition business check out my website. www.breakingfree.firstfitness.com

The next couple of weeks will be filled with me learning about my new business and getting my life back on the healthy track. You will be getting a lot of updates from me. I’m so excited because I now have my own business. YEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To see where I began this journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Facebook account that goes with this blog:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

Good News & Temptation

Good News & Temptation

GOOD NEWS!  Day 9 and I have lost another 3 pounds! I love FirstFitness Nutrition Body Renewal 10-Day Cleanse! Yes! I’m excited to lose the weight!

TEMPTATION

Today I am doing a Children’s Event and a Youth Event at my church. The children’s has cookies and cupcakes. [I love cupcakes!] Then the Youth Event tonight is a Pizza Party. I LOVE PIZZA! This will be a hard day for me. A very hard day! Then I woke up late. Rushing stresses me out. I didn’t have time to make my snacks for today. My friend made them. She chopped tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, mushrooms with Romaine lettuce and spinach for me to have a salad while I am there from 11 to 10 tonight. [She hates Tuna fish and opened and drained the can so I can have it for my salad.] Then she put two yogurts in the bag for me. This will help me for sure stay on my plan. I made a Body FX shake and put in an insulated mug to take with me to have to drink while I set up things. I was even good this morning and made a healthy breakfast this morning. I’m on track with my plan.

Now to stay on it today.

To see where I began this journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Facebook account that goes with this blog:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

Day Four- I Have Good News!

Day 4- I Have Good News!

I have been on this 10 day cleanse & restarting. I did water aerobics and Richard Simmons DVD and some walking. I’ve added a lot of water. Plus I’ve done the FirstFitness Nutrition Body Renewal 10-Day Cleanse! I’m glad I have done this program. I have been sick and just not getting well since April. I have had no energy. I have felt weak. Well this is the start of day four and I do not feel stronger. I have energy. I just physically feel better. I’m grateful to start feeling better. Plus I weighed this morning! I have lost 11 pounds. I now weigh 456 pounds. I’m glad to see it go down.

I’m going to be doing my water aerobics class again today. I like that I walk there. My house is at the bottom of the hill. I walk the two blocks there, all the way up hill, then do the water aerobics, stay after class and walk the pool and work with weights in pool and then walk home. I’m grateful it is downhill home.

I hope you all have a great day with lots of activity.

To see where I began this journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Facebook account that goes with this blog:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

Day 1-[Again YAY!]

Day 1-[Again YAY!]

Today I’m starting again. I’m extremely grateful that I have been blessed with the ability to start again.

For the past week I have already been working out again. I have been doing some water aerobics. Today I started off again on my strict eating program. This means I am watching what I eat and making sure it is healthier choices. [I refuse to call it a diet. The first three letters is die.] I am doing the FirstFitness Nutrition. I am starting off with the BODY RENEWAL 10-Day Cleanse. I’m looking forward to getting all the toxins out of my body. I have hope that this will finally help me get well. I keep getting sick with the same stuff.  I know this will help improve my health. YAY! As you all now from my last blog posting that I have gained the weight back. I’m starting back at 467.

For Breakfast this morning I woke and made me a vanilla flavored Body FX shake from FirstFitness Nutrition with a serving of cantaloupe I have already drank 20oz of water. I took my RENEU and LIPOMAX.   

Now I am writing this blog and then getting all my errands done. I am also looking forward to taking a new water aerobics. It is one for arthritis. I’m looking forward to this one helping me out. I’m also looking forward to it because I can walk in the water 30 minutes before and then 30 minutes after. I’m hoping this class will be a good fit for me.

I hope that all of you have a blessed day filled with lots of activity.

To see where I began this journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

   

Being Honest and Learning to Love Yourself

Being Honest and Learning to Love Yourself.

It is really hard to write a blog that is brutally honest. It is especially hard to be brutally honest when it is about myself. I have written this blog five different times and then deleted it. It is really hard to be honest with yourself. No matter how hard it is important to be honest with yourself. Now the first part of this blog might be hard to read because it dark. I do promise it does get better.

As you all know, I have been on this journey since September of 2013. I have made a lot of mistakes on this journey. I mean a lot. I also have had success on this journey. Since October of 2014 I keep getting pneumonia. It seems like I can’t get over it. This was the case in March of this year. I got pneumonia again. The doctor again put me on antibiotics and steroids. It didn’t work so I was prescribed another round. I still was sick. I ended up doing several rounds. Last week of May I still was sick. Doctor wanted me to take another round but I refused. The reason I refused was because I wasn’t getting well but I was gaining the weight back. I didn’t take the next round of antibiotics and steroids again. I tripled up the vitamin C and started to feel like I had more energy. I keep taking the triple dose of vitamin C and had energy but was still sick. I also wasn’t able to lose the weight I gained back from the steroids. This was really depressing. I added to my workout but nothing. This really began to get to me. I felt very defeated. I kept gaining and not losing the weight. Let’s just say I got caught up in a very depressed cycle. I regrettably went back to my old ways. I stopped micromanaging what I ate. I slowly began to exercise less and less until it was none. To say I was even more depressed is an understatement. I began to put myself down again. I became my own self hater. I began to pull away from friends and family again. I pulled away from my blog and online friends. I was getting more anxious about going out and being around people again. I knew I failed. I had gained all the weight back. I felt like people would know this and say something about it. [Many have] I didn’t go out anywhere any more. I let my depression and anxiety make me a prisoner again.

I was working still caring for a wonderful lady named Ms. Peggy. I’ve been working with her for about a year and half now. One of things I do with Ms. Peggy is read. She loves to have Bible stories, Bible inspirational stories and poems read to her. Several weeks ago I was reading to her out of book titled “My Forever Friend”. It is a Precious Moments book. I read “Through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14. I shook my head and said well I don’t like myself let alone love myself. I went on and read more of the book for Ms. Peggy. I thought nothing more of it until I got home. I kept thinking of that. I wasn’t loving myself. I went online to try and stop thinking about it. But that didn’t help. I was playing around on Twitter and found a post by Donnie Wahlberg that read “If you want to spread #Love today. Start by loving yourself. Then watch it spread like peanut butter on a giant slice of bread!” Ok I was getting the point. I didn’t want to admit it or deal with it. I was up most of the night thinking about these things.

I began to think about it seriously. It made sense. In order to love your neighbor, [anyone you meet] you must love yourself. You treat others how you treat yourself. Well I was not loving myself. I was very negative about myself. I realized if I wasn’t loving me I wasn’t loving anyone. I realized if I was negative about myself I was being negative to others. This meant I was negative and hateful to myself thus making me that way to others. That wasn’t love your neighbor at all. That wasn’t setting the example with the youth I work with. That meant I was giving a bad example. I wasn’t even trying for the goals I had set for myself. Now I’d love to say I snapped right back to it and got right back on the path I wanted to be on.  Nope I just let it go. Except I kept thinking about it. I sat down here and started to write this blog posting but deleted it 5 times. It is hard to admit that you went off course to yourself. It is even harder to admit it to others. But that is what I did I went off course.

So here I am writing this being honest with myself. I’d love to lay all the blame on the several rounds of antibiotics and steroids I was prescribed.  Yes it was part of the problem but how I chose to deal with the effects the medicine had on me was my chose. I made the wrong chose. I didn’t handle it right. But here I am writing this being honest and saying “Yes I gained it all back. Yes I have taken several steps backwards. No this isn’t the end of my journey. No it won’t be easy but I’m starting again. Yes I can do this. Yes I can lose the weight again. Yes I can exercise and gain energy and strength again. Yes I can exercise and walk and gain confidence again. Yes I have support of my family and friends. Yes I have support of people who read this blog. Yes I have support but the ultimate decision and follow through is on me. I am going to do this. I might have a huge crash again but I’ll just get up again. This is me saying Yes I forgive myself. Yes I like myself. Yes I love myself. This is me asking God to help me forgive others. Help me like others. Help me show Love for others. This is me saying Yes I am going to Love my neighbor as I Love myself.”

Now I know some will ask why write this blog? Why write the truth about how you failed? Why write the truth about how you struggle when it might make you look a bit crazy. My answer- I know I am not the only who struggles. I know I am not the only one who battles with learning to love myself. I know I am not the only one who struggles with forgiving myself. I want anyone who is in this struggle that they are not alone and they are loved. They can do this. That’s why I’m writing this honesty instead of sugar coating my journey. I want people to know it will be a hard journey with lots of falls but also a lot of successes. Learn to love them all. Yes love the falls because you can get up and try again.

To see where I began this journey read my first post:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Facebook account that goes with this blog:https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

Daily Victories

Daily Victories
Please bear with this blog it starts out negative but gets better.

I have had tunnel vision for two things lately. I haven’t written on here in a while. I’ve been inspired on how to write things for my story. So I’ll start working on it and then look up and it is several hours later. If it isn’t the story then I’ve been making lesson plans for the youth group I work with. Again I’ll start and hours go by without me noticing it. I also think working on these things helps me not think about what is going on in my life. If you’ve read my blog before you know I don’t handle stress or change very well. There’s a lot of it lately!!!!!!!!!

My dad has become disabled. He is now unable to work at all. Now I’m watching him and my mom struggle emotionally and financially. Due to dad not working they’re down to one person income. Plus my dad’s medicine isn’t covered by insurance. They are fighting to get it covered but it isn’t so instead of paying bills they buy his $1,400 a month medicine. As their daughter it breaks my heart that I can’t just fix this for them. I don’t have it to give to them. It also breaks my heart to see my dad’s health decline.

I’m also watching my roommate’s health decline more lately. She recently had to fill out paperwork with the hospital about how she wanted things to go for her medically. This was hard for me to witness. It has caused me a lot of concern. My roommate’s daughter is battling the same thing and isn’t getting better. My roommate just found out that her mother has cancer. My heart breaks for this family.

I work one day a week caring for an 85 year old lady whose health is also declining daily. I love this lady too.

Lately all I see is people dealing with people who realize how close death is for them. It does make you think. It also can make your heart really sad. Thoughts about not having them with me. Then I go into over drive and try to find a way to improve all of their lives. This can cause a lot more stress to the situation. I’ve done a lot of WHY???? I’ve realized this is a waste of time.

I really have gotten very depressed lately. I had to fake being positive because it wasn’t really what I was feeling. I was over whelmed by the cost of the extra medical things everyone needed. I had to borrow money from someone. I hated that. I also might have to ask to borrow again. I’ve been filling out applications online daily. I’ve been trying to find a job that allows me to work more than one day a week. I get called for interviews but when they see me in person they always tell me things like “I don’t think you could keep up.” “Umm I’m not sure you’d fit in here.”  This only adds to my depression. I know I’m extremely over weight but I’m working on it. I’m becoming a healthier person. I need a job in the meantime. This was the cycle I was stuck in. URR! I’ve taken to just getting tunnel vision for things that I can control like my writing.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend who said “Sometimes I wish we had trophies for the little victories.” It got me to thinking. There really is a lot of little victories daily! We must allow ourselves to see them. When we do we see so many victories.

Victories for me are there.

1-I’m still alive. This means I have another chance to go for it. I have another chance to make this day better. I have another chance to go for my dreams. I have another chance to tell people I love them. I have another chance to make people smile. I have another chance to become a good daughter. I have another chance to become a better friend. I have another chance to work on getting out of debt. I have another chance at finding another job. I have another chance at losing this weight. I have another chance to make the youth group grow. I have another chance at writing in my story. I have another chance to have a positive impact on someone else life. I have another chance to…………………..WOW! I’m Still Alive is a great victory.

2-I have decided I’m not going to quit. I was given a graduation card that the person wrote me a message. They told me I had the gift of not quitting no matter how long it took me to achieve the goal. [It took me a LONG time to get my associates degree.] I didn’t understand how important that is till now. No matter how you fail get up and go again. I’m blessed to go again.

3-I have people here with now that are still alive. I can make memories with them. My roommate struggles on a daily bases. She isn’t able to even get out of the house much. Sometimes months go by with her no able to get out. Yet she has one of the most positive attitudes of anyone I know. She is laughing as she struggles. That is a blessing to witness. I’m even more blessed because she is determined I’m going to achieve my goals.

4-I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m walking better than 3 years ago. I’m healthier than I was 3 years ago. I have more confidence than I was 3 years ago.

I have many more victories in my life that happen daily. My new goal is to search them out and embrace them. I’ve also got a goal of writing a blog at least once a week. I did better when I did that.

To see where I began this journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

Ripples........and Walking........

Ripples....and Walking…….

I have two thoughts lately a lot. Sorry but this is two blogs in one.

Ripples…..

I’m sure that you’ve heard quotes and stories about the ripple effect actions have on people. I completely agree. I was thinking about this lately and begin wondering if I had any ripple effect on anyone. Then a strange thought came to my mind. What about the ripple effect in my life? Then I thought is that being self-absorbed? I really spent time thinking about these two questions. Well here are the answers I came up with. I’m sure it is different from others.

No it wasn’t selfish or self-absorbed to think about the ripple effect in my own life. I must realize and understand the changes I’m making in my life. Most importantly I most agree with the changes that I’m making. I must agree spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I must like the person I’m becoming.

I thought further on the ripple effect in my life. It is amazing. The person I was just a year ago isn’t the person I am now. The person I was just three years ago isn’t the person I am now. I thought further back to my early adult years, my teenage years and even my early teens. I’m nowhere near that scared, sad, unhappy, fearful and lonely person anymore. I have come a long way. I know I have a long way to go but I’m am so closer now than I have ever been. All the changes in my life, big, small, good, and bad have all came from the effect of a ripple. Somehow someone has inspired me, hurt me, loved me, shown me, cared for me, laughed at me, laughed with me, brought me down, lifted me up, pushed me up, pushed me down, stomped on me, walked with me, yelled at me, gave me a kind word and this list can go on forever……..
We’re all effected by the actions of others. This is a fact of life. What is also a fact of life, we can choice how we want it to affect us. We have that choice.

I began changing. Then one tiny change led to another and another and another……………….
The ripple effect I have had on my own life is awesome! I was inspired by others but when I began to change I realized I can control the ripple effect in my life.

One of the biggest changes I have been making is not letting fear hold me back. I used to let fear of having panic attacks keep me from doing things. In fact I spent most of my life in my room. I get so nervous around people especially in social settings or crowds. Lately I have been going for it. I’m not living in fear of the panic attacks. Well I did something recently that is out of the box for me. I entered a contest. It was a dancing contest. I love to dance but not where people can see me. I dance all the time while I’m alone in my house cleaning or working out. Dancing in public NO! I love American Sign Language. [ASL] I love performing in ASL. I wanted to at least try for this contest. [Yes I really want to win too] I tried many times to combine dancing and ASL. I would try to record it and even just recording it I would have fear so bad I was shaking from head to toe. I didn’t even try for two days because of the fear. I finally just went for it. I found someone to record it and did it. I was so nervous and scared. I knew people would be watching it. I did it. I didn’t look it because I knew if I did I wouldn’t have posted it. I just uploaded it. I went for it. I entered the contest. The link below is for the contest. If you would like to see the video and vote for me:

https://www.facebook.com/DelStateFair/app_1603640036572395

Walking….

It is strange for me not to be able to walk any further than around my block. I had been doing really good and walking everywhere. After having pneumonia and bronchitis for seven weeks my body can’t walk more than that without getting winded. It’s depressing because I miss my long walks. My long walks were a huge help in losing weight but also in helping keep my focus on being positive. I know I will get there but it is a long and slow process.

In many ways I feel like I’m having to start over. I have to rebuild my endurance and strength back up. I will but I hate that I had to take a step backwards. URR! I’m grateful that this was not because I gave up. That is good news. I’ve regrouped and made some goals.

1-By July 17^th I will be able to walk the entire route that I was before I got sick again.

2-I’ll also be able to do the Richard Simmons DVD again by July 31^st.

3-I’m also going to start writing down what I eat and drink in detail and see where I’m going off and then change it.

I’m going to refocus on these details. I’m not thinking about anything but these details.

To see where my journey began:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

To follow me on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Today sounds better....

Today sounds better………….

I know I haven’t written in a while. I have been sick. I’ve been sick for the past six weeks. When I came home from vacation I really realized how sick. Now I’m finally over pneumonia and bronchitis. My ears still have a lot of fluid in them which is driving me crazy. Nothing has gotten it out. My right ear is full and left ear is half full. I can’t hear out of right ear and my left ear has hearing but not 100%. I’m dizzy and have a headache from the pressure. I do feel a little better though. I’m not really doing a lot of coughing. Finally!

Today I’m writing this posting in a positive frame of mind. I’m determined that it will be a wonderful day. I’m determined that I will get better. It’s not every day that one turns 39 years old. I’m determined to celebrate and have fun today.

Yesterday I went to my mail box and received a nice surprise. I was sent a gift from a fellow Block Head. It is a really beautiful bracelet. It read “I Love Jon.” I love it. It came at the right moment too. I was feeling sorry for myself. I hated being in this house and not able to do anything due to being sick. I was upset because my doctor isn’t returned my calls since Monday. I had tried to take a walk and make myself feel better and I got so dizzy I had to turn around. I had found out that my birthday lunch wasn’t going to happen. I was really having a pity party for myself. Then I checked the mail. I was glad I did because I got this beautiful bracelet. I love it! Thank you Lisa.

I learned that this Block Head makes this. If you would like one here’s a link to check her out.

https://www.keep-collective.com/with/designsbylisabush

Today I’m determined to make it a great day!

How Does a Panic Attack Feel....

How does a Panic Attack Feel.....

As you all know I have had some wonderful experiences and events happen in my life this past month. I’m grateful for them all. I am also grateful that I was able to do them. I didn’t let me nerves get the best of me.

Well I’ve been sick, tired, weak and dizzy since I got back from vacation. Then my dad has gone into the hospital. [Without giving details it is serous] I haven’t been able to see him. I’ve been very concerned about him. I haven’t been able to walk since I got home from vacation due to coughing and being dizzy. Walking is a stress relief for me. But I’ve been able to stay positive.

Well last night happened. I woke up from a nightmare already in a state of panic. I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like my bedroom was closing in on me trying to kill me. My body was shaking from head to toe. I hands and arms were really shaking on me. I couldn’t slow down the thoughts in my head. I couldn’t refocus my brain. I was trying to focus on my safe and happy place but it wasn’t happening. I kept feeling like I was stuck in my nightmare. [A memory one] I saw my tablet by my bed and grabbed it. It took me ten minutes just to log on because my hands were shaking so much. I finally logged onto Twitter. I made myself think of nothing but Twitter. I posted what was happening to me. Luckily there was some nice people on line. They chatted with me till I was calmer. It took me a while and a lot of refocusing of my brain and thoughts but I was able to get out of the panic and into a much calmer place. I was able to fall asleep again a couple hours later.

Yet this morning I’m being quite hard on myself. I feel so ashamed! I always feel so ashamed when these happen. I also feel like I owe everyone an apology when I have these. Today is no different. I just had the most amazing month. I traveled and did new experiences a lone. I did something I’ve always wanted to do. Yet at home in my room I had a huge panic attack. I’m just upset with myself right now.

I had some message me this morning and ask me what it was like to have a panic attack. That is hard to put into words. I can give you the definition of them but that really doesn’t do it justice. I also know that panic attacks feel different for everyone who experiences them. When I explain them I’m explaining it from my experience. I can’t say if it is what everyone experiences.

I have different things that trigger panic attacks but that’s another posting. For me it begins with this feeling of dread, feeling of doom, feeling of fear, feeling like everything is going wrong, there is too much to handle and take in, there is too much happening, there are too many demands, there is just so much, people are watching me, the room is getting smaller, the space is getting smaller, the air is getting less, the pressure is starting to hurt me, the pressure is pushing against me it is closing in around me, the room is now even smaller, the ceiling is closing in on me, my mind is betraying me, my thoughts have left me, I can’t think, I can’t remember things, I can’t focus, OMG! What’s going to happen to me? I must leave, I must get away, I must escape, I can’t think, what is wrong with my brain? Where have my thoughts gone? Why is there no space? I have no air, I’ve got to get away from here! I’m not safe! I’m going to get hurt! I can’t take this! I’ve got to get away! I must get AWAY!!! I can’t breathe, my heart is beating so fast, my body is betraying me, it is shaking, it is out of control, I have no control, I HAVE TO ESCAPE! I’M GOING TO GET HURT! I’M IN TROUBLE! I WANT TO ESCAPE! The room has needles in it and all of them are pressing into me. The air is almost gone. I can’t focus, I can’t think, please just go away, PLEASE EVERYTHING GO AWAY!

At this point I try to escape. I try to run off. I don’t like people near me or touching me when I have panic attacks so I run off and run off away from everyone. I have gotten in such a state of panic in the past that I have forgotten who I was. Imagine how scared you would be when you can’t remember who you are. It makes the panic worse for sure. I have never had anyone show me or teach me but I have learned things that trigger these. I have also learned that planning ahead helps me. I research and plan events ahead. [This drives my family and friends crazy] But this does help me a lot! My trip to Dallas I planned everything. I had researched the route the Greyhound would take. I researched how far the it was from Greyhound station to the American Airline Center. I looked up pictures of what it looked like on the inside. I mean I looked up everything. It helped. I still had a moment, a small moment but I was able to handle it. I did the same thing for Orlando. So planning ahead really helps me.

I’ve also taught myself to refocus my brain. I refocus my mind to focus on thoughts that make me happy and are positive. I also focus my mind to think of things that make me feel safe. I’ve learned that refocusing my thoughts to something that makes me feel safe and happy truly does help me calm down. However there are still times when it doesn’t work. Those are the worst because it takes a lot to calm me down. It also takes a lot out of me physically and emotionally.  This is where I am today.

So today I’m spending time reminding myself that I’ve come a long way. I’m reminding myself that I can do this. I’m going to get up again and go for it!

To see where I began this journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
Personal one where I mostly talk to BH’s about the guys-but I do talk to anyone who contacts me. https://twitter.com/MarieMontgome16

 

 

Orlando It Happened

Orlando It Happened……

I have so much to be grateful for and I’m GRATEFUL! I have been blessed!

I returned from a vacation that I was blessed to be able to do because a friend was determined I was going and made sure I went. She also made sure I got to see family and friends I have in the Florida area. This friend also made sure that her daughter and I got to go see NKOTB in Orlando. [I’m beyond grateful for this friend.]

I drove my friend there and home due to her eye sight she can’t drive. I had to go through a tunnel in Mobile AL. I grabbed the steering wheel so tight I thought I was going to break it. I am claustrophobic. I have had panic attacks in the past when in tunnels or extreme tight situations. I didn’t thankfully because I was driving. I did it. I did it both going to FL. and coming Home from FL.

If you read my blog you all know I have had problems and fears of hugging people. I really didn’t like that personal closeness because I was afraid of being hurt [physically]. I didn’t even hug my family or closest friends that much. Well I am now becoming a hugging person. Before I left for this trip I made a sure to hug my mom. I went to her work just to give her a hug. I did the same for my dad. They both were a bit surprised but glad I did.

Then when I got to Orlando I even hugged my biological father Rocky and my aunt and cousin. I then got to see my best friend since I was seven and I hugged her more than once. She has always been understanding about me not wanting to hug. She would barely give me hugs but this time we hugged. I met her husband for the first time too. When he met me he hugged me tight. That was kind of uncomfortable for me but yet I did it.

This trip to Orlando was great for me. My visit with Sandra [My best friend since I was seven] was wonderful. We spent most of the day at Magic Kingdom with her family. Then went back to her house and watched the Dallas NKOTB Main Event Concert. We both squealed on my Remix moment with Donnie. Then we had the NKOTB birthday cake she made for me. [We celebrated it early since I wouldn’t see her on my birthday.] It was a great time.

Then Friday June 5^th was the topper for our vacation. This was the night I got to go see NKOTB again. I was taking my friends daughter to her first concert ever. [I introduced her to NKOTB music and made her a BH.] She loves Joe and wasn’t disappointed with the concert at all. She got a lot of Joe. We were able to upgrade our sits for free. When I went to the inner box office to do that there were tickets waiting on me. I have no idea who did this but I am grateful! We were close to the stage now. I loved this concert just as much as Dallas concert. It was wonderful. I got to give Danny and Jordan both five as they were passing me in the audience. Now the best part of the concert came at the end. I had a poster that said –Jon Hug Me Please- Well after Hangin’ Tough all the guys were circling the stage on the end I was at and high waving to fans. Jon was the last one. He saw my poster. He was reading it and then pointed to it and curled his index finger doing the come here sign. I did too. I went right to him. He came down the stairs and gave me a HUGE HUG! I think gave him a hug that was just as huge and tight. He hugged for a good bit. He gives the best hugs I have ever had too. He then said “Lets take a picture.” He turned me around and put his arm around me and his cheek against mine and took a picture with me. Then he smiled at me and patted my back and went back on stage. I was so excited. I was also happy. I was just so into the moment and happy. As you can see from my pictures. Also notice I have no hat on this time. I also have no problems having him that close to my face. I was completely relaxed and comfortable. I wasn’t afraid. I also like the smile on Jon's face. You can tell he truly loves his fans.

I posted a thank you to Jon on Twitter for the hug with the link for my blog. He read it and commented. He is an amazing sweet and caring man. Since Jon commented about my blog I have gotten even more support and comments of encouragement from people esp. BH’s. I’m grateful to all of you.

I have been asked now that I have a hug from Jon have I lost motivation? NO! I am even more encouraged to challenge myself. I’m going to force myself to do things that I might be afraid of or that might have unknown outcomes. I’m going to continue to exercise and gain even healthier habits. I’m going to continue to write the story I’m working on. I’m going to continue to blog. I’m going to continue to try to achieve my goals of travel and experiencing different events. I will continue to do these things and many more. I’m going to continue to live and enjoy life.

I have been asked if which blogs I would recommend people to read to know about me now and where I’ve come from. My answer would be:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2015/05/i-did-it-it-was-amazing-wow-awesome.html

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2015/05/hats-and-hugs.html

and of course the first one

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

To follow me on Twitter

Here's the one for the blog:

https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

Here's my personal

https://twitter.com/MarieMontgome16

I also have a Facebook set up for my blog:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy