Enough!

Enough!

First some important news. I have started a Twitter Account just for posting about Breaking Free of the Panic and weight. Here is the link if you’d like to follow it: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy  I am only posting positive things about Journey of Change, Living Healthy, Positive stuff, and this blog.
As most of you know, I have been on this Journey of Change for a while now. There are times when it moves super slowly and others it goes by so fast. I am in slow period right now. I feel like I have been here before. You see, due to some serious health issues I was told to do nothing but rest for a week which became 9 days. I was released and jumped back into the walking and exercise where I left off. BIG MISTAKE! I paid for it. I am still battling the low blood count and iron count so I didn’t have the energy to do a lot. It got worse the more I pushed myself. Well I got so dizzy and had to sit down. I was done for the whole day. This was a huge blow for me. It really got to me physically and emotionally. I felt like I went backwards. I felt like I had failed yet again. I was just so upset! [I had gotten to where I would take a walk when I felt this bad but that wasn’t happening.] This really weighed heavy on my mind. Then the next morning, I weighed again and had gained back some of the weight. I was warned it might happen for the first month on this medicine until my body adjusted to it. But all I saw was a scale that went up and not down. My mind heard all those negative thoughts again. I heard all the people telling me I couldn’t do it. We all have family and people like this. I started letting self-doubt come back into my mind. This lead to a lot of pure frustration and pain for me. The medicine is still making me sick which only added to things because my nights were spent in misery. Then the thing I dread the most happened.
I was determined I was going to just keep going and I can do this. Well I got up and said I’ll take a small walk around my neighborhood. I got my MP3 player and opened the door and walked outside and then it hit me. The thing I fear most of all happening, happened. I had a panic attack. I could move. I was hit with this wall of dread! It was an all-consuming fear that was pushing me back. I felt like it was crushing me from all sides. My mind wasn’t able to think beyond this fear. My heart was beating faster and faster. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. My body was even turning on me it was now shaking. Then the one thought beyond fear I had was run. Run away must escape this madness. RUN! So I did. I went back in my house and in my room. I stayed there for several hours. After I calmed down I became angry at myself. I had made a scene. I hate having a panic attack in public. I hate it more than I can ever explain. I had them in school and was made fun of and bullied beyond belief. I had to be home schooled because of panic attacks. I worked really hard at hiding them from my few friends I felt so ashamed because I had panic attacks. So when I had this one I just was so mad at myself.
Well I calmed down enough to start thinking clearer. Then I turned on my laptop and begin to write. I wrote in the story I’m writing. I wrote a scene where my main character was going through some major stuff and she just said ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Then stood up and took charge. [That’s all I can say about it without giving anything away.] It made me realize I had had my set back but enough. Get up and try again. Make it happen. I took a small walk around my neighborhood.
To see where my journey began check out my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

One Eventful Month

I’m sorry it has been a month since I wrote a blog post. As my tittle suggest it has been an eventful month. In beginning of the month my baby boy [my cat] started getting sick. He got really sick and on March 5^th I had to put my baby boy Tabby asleep. I rescued him out of a mouth of a bulldog out my apartment. He was being eaten alive. I almost got bit by this dog but I got the cat out of his mouth. I nursed him back to health. I had to move because I couldn’t have pets in my apartment. Tabby became my baby. The vet said he was about 2 ½  to 3 years old when I got him. I had blessed with almost sixteen years of him in my life. I miss him something terrible. As you all know from where I began this journey I didn’t get out much. I stayed home a lot due to anxiety and panic attacks. He was my constant friend.
To see where the journey began read click the link below to read my first blog.
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html  
I have been having some serious health issues for a while now. I was finally able to get into to see a doctor. I have been taking a lot of blood tests and other medical test since March 7^th. I know my way around the hospital pretty good now. I had to have a friend go with me to the doctor’s visit due to nerves. The doctor wasn’t understanding of anxiety issues at all. He asked how many times I had been locked in a mental ward for it. I do not like the doctor my insurance will pay for.
After a lot of tests here is what I know:
My blood count is very low. I mean literally half of what it should be. A person’s blood count should be 14 and mine is 7.

My iron is dangerous low. A person’s should be 125 and mine is 5. [Explains why I am always weak and dizzy.]

The medicine I was given for this makes me so nausea and dizzy. I feel like my stomach is punching me and mad at me every time I take this medicine.

I have some female issues [and due to the males the read this I will limit the details] that could be three different issues-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ovarian Cancer, or Uterus Cancer. They do know I have a cyst in right ovary. [There are more details but like I said I have some male readers who wouldn’t want to know more than this.] I’m taking two medicines to treat this and one of them makes me nausea as well. I can’t take the two together and have to wait about an hour and half between the two. I spend most of the morning sick to my stomach.

Then when I do eat it doesn’t help at all. I can only keep pudding, shakes, potatoes, and food soft like this down easily. The other stuff not so much. I eat the other stuff but it only makes my stomach hurt worse.

I had a Mammogram and then had two more and a breast ultrasound on the same day. I have three cysts on my left breast. Due to this being my first Mammogram insurance and doctor want to wait six months take another Mammogram and go from there. So I am in a waiting game for this one.

Someone asked me how I was doing on my weight loss and exercise and the answer is URRRRRR! The doctor ordered me not to exercise or do my long walks for at least a week. He hopes the medicine will help my iron count improve so I won’t be so weak or dizzy. I have hated not being able to work out or walk. I have missed it. It was a way to help me deal with stress and concern. It also helped me with nerves. The fact I can only eat super soft foods or drink shakes without making my stomach nausea and hurt doesn’t help with the diet at all. [The one super soft food I can’t get down is Jell-O. YUCK!]

Someone asked how my nerves were doing? The answer is I’m Hangin’ Tough. Yes this does affect me. I had a test on March 12^th and the entire time it was being done I laid there shaking and crying. I told the woman I couldn’t breathe. She had to stop the test and get me to calm down some. She was able to finish the test. So yes this is wearing on my nerves but I am Hangin’ Tough.

I have been writing in my story more as it seems to help keep my mind of things and not notice the pain my stomach and abdomen as much. The week is up tomorrow so I will be exercising and doing my walk. [I might have to modify both due to still feeling weak and dizzy a lot of the time.] I’m looking forward to having some of normal back.