No Tittle
I know I haven’t written on here in a while. Ok it’s
been a long while. Things in my life have gotten upside down. [I know that is
weird but that is the only way to describe it right now.]Since August I’ve been sick. I do not know what it is but I’ve been sick. I’ve kept a fever between 99 and 101. I’ve been weak and dizzy. First doctor said it was upper respiratory infection. Two weeks later told me it was pneumonia. I was given a total of three rounds of antibiotic and steroids. I was still with whatever this is in the end of September. I followed doctor’s orders. I rested. I didn’t work out. I didn’t do my long walks. I stayed away from people due to the fever. I followed the orders and didn’t make any improvements. In fact all the medicine did for me was make me hold water and gain weight back. I gained a lot of weight back. This led to feeling depressed. I worked hard to get rid of the weight and it came back so easily on this medicine. I felt like I failed again. [If you’ve ever battled weight you know the feeling I’m talking about.] I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down because of this weight coming back. This caused me to just stop talking or writing about it. I couldn’t handle telling people I had yet again failed and gained weight back.
While this was going on I was still dealing with the no job or even the temp jobs. The no money issue keeps playing in my head over and over. This thought stresses me out. It also adds to my anxiety level. [This isn’t a good thing for anyone but for me it makes life even harder for me to face. When my anxiety goes up I start fearing I’ll have a panic attack. I also get even more afraid to face people or leave my house. [Horrid cycle]
The money and no job issue are heavier right now on my mind. If it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay with her I’d be homeless right now. I have no home. If my friend didn’t need someone to help her a little around the house I don’t know where I’d be sleeping. That is a scary fact to know about yourself. I’ve become a person who is grateful and ashamed. I’m grateful for help and ashamed for it. When you have to stand in food bank lines repeated in order to make sure you eat, one can get ashamed. When you have to keep asking your church to use their food bank it can make you feel ashamed. I felt so terrible that I didn’t have a job. I felt terrible that I had skills to do the jobs but was over looked many times due to my weight/size. I felt terrible that friends had to keep helping me out. I felt terrible because I had nothing to contribute/help anyone. I felt terrible……….. You can see where this cycle goes.
I was struggling and couldn’t get the words to come out every time I tried to do a blog posting. I felt like why write when there is nothing good. You are failing at your goals. Your nerves are getting the best of you again. Why share that? The only thing I’ve been able to write was in my story.
On October 16th I started a part time job. I work 13 to 18 hours a week. It is a lot of new rules and procures to learn. I’ve worked three days so far. I want to continue to work. It gives me a start back to getting some debts gone and food in the house regularly. [A small start but a start back.]
Tonight as I write this I find myself shaking and
crying. I feel very alone and isolated still. I still worry about climbing out
of this whole of debt. I still worry about the fact I’ve gained weight back
from medicine. I worry will that weight come off again. I fear I’ve let
everyone down. I hate that I’ve failed again. I fear that this shaking won’t
stop any time soon. I’m afraid that this panic will keep rising and tonight
will be a long night. I’m that panic will still be there in the morning. I need
to work in the morning. I wish I could just stop panicking.
Tonight is not a good one. I’m afraid the panic is
winning tonight.To see where I began this journey: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
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