The Virus!

The past two months have been rough. In fact, they have been down right terrible. Sadly, I went back to my dark place. Well no that isn't correct. I became so over whelmed with everything that, I went backwards instead of forward. Literally.

Starting around the end of April I realized I was turning 40 on June 25th. 40! Really? 40? I'm sitting on my couch and still have no job. 40? I can't wrap my head around this fact. 40...............
Later that day I was at a food bank again. As I was waiting in line the fact that I was turning 40 starts going through my head. This only frustrated me. I tried not to think about it but it was all I could think about.  I never had a problem with any birthday but this one has given me fits!

The fact that I still had no job and forty was approaching made it feel so final. In mind it was like, If you don't get a job by your fortieth then it will never happen. I re applied for everything again. I submitted resume to places that were hiring and to places that were not hiring. The job thing wasn't happening. Basically it was like I was getting doors slammed into my face. Yet again.

During this time I was living off food from food banks. I'm very grateful for food from food banks. I am. However, the pasta, instant mashed potatoes, roman noodles, sweets, and sodas I was receiving from the food banks wasn't helping me in the long run. It was affecting my health. It affected my total health. Physically it caused weight gain and my body to swell up. This added pain to my body. My legs are so tight and in a lot of pain before I try to move around. This added stomach problems and pain. I've started to get major headaches too. These headaches would feel like I was being stabbed in the back of my head all the way to my toes.
This also effected my emotional and mental health too. I started to feel like a failure again. I felt like I had let myself and others down again. Why? Because I was gaining weight back not losing still. This lead to depression. I was so upset. I was heart and still am heartbroken over this fact.
Then my anxiety started kicking in again. I didn't want to go look for more work. Why not? Because I could handle the rejection. I couldn't handle the look of distain from another person. I couldn't handle the comments any more from people. Not just people doing the interviews but also from people on the bus. Also from people who scream horrible names about how fat I am as I am walking. I couldn't handle another person coming up to me in the store telling me how I needed to lose weight. I was extremely over weight. Then telling me everything I was doing wrong. All of these things were going through my head and leading to panic attacks where I couldn't get out the door. Yes you read that right. I couldn't leave my house. I would tell people I was fine but I wasn't. I would tell people I was just sick. This kept getting worse. I was now to the point where I didn't even want to leave the house to take a walk. I dreaded having to leave m house. I dreaded having to have social contact with anyone. This was a cycle I was stuck in it. This cycle just kept getting worse.

I was stuck in a funk cycle. I started pulling away from seeing my friends. I started pulling away from social activities. I wasn't returning phone calls. This just kept building. I was having a lot of panic attacks. I had one trying to clean my kitchen.

I kept remembering all the failures and mistakes in my life. I kept remembering everything I did wrong. I was remembering things from when I was a kid even. I felt horrible. I felt worthless. It was as if someone was taken over the thought process in my head. I'm not crazy. Let me explain what I mean. It was like my brain was a computer and it had a virus that started slowing it down. This virus slowly ate away all the healthy programs and replaced them with sick/negative programs. Then the virus that was sent took over completely and the owner no longer had any control over what was happening.

I hated the virus that was in my head. I also know the virus as the devil. He really knows how to bring me down. He reminds me of all my mistakes. Everyone of them. He reminds me I'm a failure. He builds on that by saying no one will hire you because you're a failure. No one will hiring you because of you're extremely over weight. The devil reminds you of all the problems you've caused people because of your failures and panic attacks. He loves to remind you of all of this. Why because the devil wants you to stay in the horrid funk cycle. Why? Because when you're in the funk cycle you can't achieve anything.

Thankfully I began to realize something.......

The great news here is everything that the devil loves reminding me of, I've already been forgiven. God has forgiven me. He doesn't throw it in my face. With God it is gone. God doesn't look back. Then why can the devil remind me so easily of my failures? I thought long and hard about this one. I believe for me it is because I haven't forgiven myself. Why is it easier to forgive others but not myself? This must be something I work on really hard. Because I believe until I do the devil/virus will always be able to throw stumbling blocks that trip me up on my journey.

The first of June I received some helped with the food situation. I was able to get healthier food in my house. Within a few days I noticed the difference in how well I felt. I was finally able to think clearer and positively. This allowed me to handle the stress of normal daily activities. I began to push hard for a job. I made a plan. I was excited about this plan. I shared this plan with my friends and Facebook. Here is a copy of that post-

To all my Family & Friends I have come to a Decision! A major decsion!
1- All this weekend I'm still applying online for jobs here in AR!
2- I will also conti...nue to hit it hard here for Job all week.
3- I will also begin applying online for Jobs in Florida. Walt Disney World, Universal Studios, Sea World, etc......... I'd even work as a toll collector if I could get there.
4- Finishing making my props for VBS Activities! Getting everything set up!
5- Finish getting all the lesson plans for the next unit finished!
6- If I don't get a job by Wednesday June 15, 2016, I'm going to allow my friend to buy my Greyhound bus ticket to FL. (She offered.)
Need three week advance purchased to leave on July 6th for FL.
7- I'll continue doing all the online job applications for FL & researching for when I'm there.
I'll arrange a place to stay & stay lining up interviews for the time I'm in Florida.
I'll give it until August 6th. If nothing by then I'll come back to AR. I'll know I'm meant to do the third option pointed out to me. (I don't want this option but will know I've given it all I've got.)

Now I'm asking for prayers that this plan works out the way God wants. Please pray that God's way has the doors swing open wide! I have no choice but that one.
Thank you! Thank You!

BAM!!!!!!!!!!! I was hit hard with people's response from the above post. WOW! In forty-five minutes I had five phones from people telling me how wrong I was for making this plan. I was turning my back on everyone. I was just running away from everything. I was terrible for wanting to relocate. I was terrible for trying to improve my life. This surprised me but it shouldn't have. Anytime someone finds a way to get out of the negative, improve their lives and move on to the positive, many will try to tear you down. Why? To keep you on their level because they're not ready for the change themselves. (Sadly, I've been like this in my past.) Here is my reply post on Facebook trying to clear  things up.

Clarification on my last post.
I've gotten multiple calls.
Apparently my last post as caused a lot of concussion & an uproar. So to help calm things down I'm going to try to explain things!
I'm running into dead end, closed doors everywhere I try in Arkansas. I'm trying hard! Every hospital, office job, department store, retail store, dollar store, grocery store, fast food, hotel & anything else I try in this town is coming up with a slammed door in my face.
I gave myself an option of trying for a job in FL near WDW in an area I love!
If within three weeks I've not found a job then I'm coming back to AR & try for the third option. I don't want the third option at all!
(My Dr. & counselor have suggested I try for SSI b/c employers won't hire due to weight & my anxiety & panic attacks are getting in the way. )
I don't want this option b/c I don't feel I'm unable to work. I just can't get a company to hire me.
Then why try the FL route?
Simple WDW hired me before at this huge size. I have a great history with them. If I can get hired there then great! I can then start saving money & find a safe yet affordable place near work & get set up. Which this process isn't happening over night. It would take months. I mean months. I'm aware of that. I would send money to help care for my cats & help out w/ other things.
There is nothing here for me. But I would never just leave someone.
I would also make sure that everyone got to see family first before the final relocation move.
I'm the only one going right away. It would take a while for my cats or anyone's else to be able to move/relocate to FL.
I'm not turning my back on people nor trying to force this change on anyone.

This is still my over all plan. The details might change along the way but this is my plan. If God wants me to have a job here, He'll swing open the door so wide I can walk through it. If God wants it in Florida He'll continue to close everything here and open the doors wide for the route.

I was also able to get back on the FFN program. I'm beginning the detox. I'm going to get back to where I should be. I've learned how important it is to put the correct food in my body. It affects every part of my health.

I've gotten up from the ground again and I'm still going on this journey of change.