Workout….. No Longer a Dirty Word

I know some of you reading this are laughing at the tittle of this blog. I know you to remember who is writing this blog. Me! Now think about the title I bet it makes a little more sense now. Just in case it doesn’t let me take you back to this time last year. I look back now and I don’t even know who that person is anymore. This time last year I was depressed and had no will to live. In fact, I wanted to die. I even asked to die. All I saw was black everywhere. I hated everything about me.

New Year’s all start out with so much hope. We all say this will be the year that I am going to conquer a list of problems. This will be the year I lose so much weight. This is the year I will finally look pretty. This will be the year I make people proud of me and it last. By this time last year, and every New Year, I had given up. I quit. I figured what is the point. I’ll never change. I would try to do exercise videos and quit. Well this is where I was this time last year. If you told this 469 pound [last year’s weight] woman to workout I would give you every excuse in the book. [I bet even some you hadn’t heard yet.] Well one excuse I’d use is I can’t even get past song 2 in Richard Simmons DVD and have to go to cool off. I’d be so short of breath and unable to breath. I would be dizzy and every part of my body would be on fire and in pain. I say “what’s the point”  I can’t do three songs and that doesn’t get you to lose weight. I’d quit. I even had excuses for walking. I can only walk for about 8 minutes so why bother. I am cringing just thinking of all the excuses I use to use. To me, “Workout” was a dirty word.

Well I’m sure you all know how my New Year began in May 2013 and I’ve been changing my life. If you don’t know here’s the link to read how I begin breaking free.  http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Well now I’d like to talk about the present. I finished working out about an hour ago. Yes I worked out. YAY! I have been working out at least four times a week. I am doing a Richard Simmons DVD and have made it past song 2. In fact, I am doing 7/10 songs. Next week I go for 8/10. I am being to like how I feel after a workout. I have blood flow. I also feel happier. I don’t feel so depressed, angry, or frustrated. I miss working out when I don’t get to work out. [I know it blows my mind too] I’m even walking now. I’m learning that when I walk I can think clearer. I can refocus my mind. [I have to do that a lot.] I also find it helps me to let go of the things that make me panic. It has helped me reduce the number of panic attacks I have. [This is awesome.] I have music that reminds me of my goals as I walk. It is my time to just let it all go. I am always fast but I do steadier and have built up more endurance for walking. [Yay me!]

Now here is what I have gained by working out and doing this journey of change. I’m breaking through so many walls that I have had around me. It was a fortress to get to know me.  I use to try to become whatever other people thought I should be. I hide the real me. I became what each person wanted or needed me to be. I didn’t even know myself. I am beginning to find me. I never really left I just buried myself under so much crap and weight that I was drowning.  I am beginning to know me. Guess what? I like me. I’m a funny, intelligent, creative, fun, caring, understanding, loving, and magical person. I’m realizing that I am someone worth knowing. I love to laugh now. I also have come to realize I have a sense of humor. [A unique one but a great sense of humor] I never thought I find myself through working out and becoming healthier but I did. I’m not letting go of myself either.

I hope all who are reading this realize how wonderful it is to let go/break free. For me I had to break free of the chains of panic and weight. I have broken several links in these chains and will continue to break to gain more of myself back.

What are you breaking free from?

Here’s a weight and measure update:

January 28, 2014
May of 2013 numbers in Red
Now numbers in Blue

Weight-                 469.5                     418    Loss of 51.5

Upper Arms-         L-21 ½” R-21”      L-19”  R-19 1/2” Loss of 4”

Chest-                    none

Bust-                      54”              51.5” Loss of 2.5”

Waist-                    53”              50”    Loss of 3”

Hips-                     79 ½”           74”  Loss of 4.5”  

Thighs-                  L-48 ½”  R-46 ½”  L-45.5” R-46” Loss of 3.5”

Calves-                  L-26 ½”  R-27 ½” L-25” R-26” Loss of 3”

Total inches loss from head to toe is-20.5

What is not on here is all bulges and rolls of fat that are gone. I use to measure these and had bigger numbers in inches. But Realized it wasn’t right b/c these shifted and some are even now gone! This is a more accurate number for me. I’m very pleased. I know my body and see the results in no only loss of bulges and rolls of fat but in my ability to function better.

I’m most excited about my hips and thighs going down. I can’t wait till they go down because this is the area I hate the must. OK thighs and butt are a close second.

[None of you know how scary and hard it is to put numbers like this on here but for me. I'm doing it to help keep me going & hopefully kick me in the butt to do more to make these numbers go back down.]

 

Amazing!

Amazing!
I am writing this post with a big smile on my face. :0) I got some amazing news and have made some major decisions. This is a great thing! Worth a few :0) :0) :0) :0) :0)

First let’s talk about the amazing news I received. I have written on a volunteer bases for this blog and Disney Websites but I have never been paid for them. Well this has changed. I now am a paid writer. I was very excited when I found this out. [Picture me doing celebration dance around my room and screaming for joy! I woke my roommate up.] I am very excited. I’m thrilled. I wrote about two subjects I enjoy, Disney and being healthy. If you would like to read this article here is the link for it:

http://www.disneydining.com/four-tips-eating-healthy-walt-disney-world/

Second let’s talk about major decisions that have been made. Readers of this blog already know I have a huge major weight loss goal and reward. This is huge goal. So I’ve breaking them down into smaller goals along the way. I now have my next goal. A friend of mine is taking me with her family on their Walt Disney World [WDW] vacation in May. I have been there and worked there so I have many wonderful memories with WDW yet I have always struggled being there as well. My weight has made it hard. You see it puts a lot of strain on back, knees, hips, and my feet. I’d always walk around in so more pain. I would be tired by the lunch. I also haven’t been able to fit on many rides. This meant I would sit and wait on my family and friends as they went on rides. Not very much fun. There are plenty of rides I can ride at WDW but many I have not been able to enjoy. The last visit there I even had trouble fitting on ones I have for years now. This really helped me to want to change. My next weight lost goal is 50 pounds and 50 inches [from head to toe] by the trip to WDW in May. When I achieve this weight loss goal I will finally be under 400 pounds. I want to walk and workout more to give me energy and endurance for the trip in May. I know I there will still be rides I will not be able to ride but I’ll also be able to ride more than before. Yay!

This is where I am right now on this Journey of Change. I have made posters and encouraging things that are placed up on my wall in my room. I am on track for this goal to be achieved. [If you could see my wall you would laugh at the combination of things on it but it is perfect for me.] I will keep you posted on my progress of this next goal.

If you are interested in reading how I began this Journey of change here is the link:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

U Turn

U Turn

Depression! What a nasty word. It is a mean little monster. It sneaks in and then slowly takes controls. Depression is not my friend. Since the first of the year I have been battle depression every day. It is driving me batty. My nerves have been shot as well. I have four panic attacks this year. Not a good thing. I have just not been at my best lately.

I have been worried so much lately about money. I still don’t have a job. I am still caring for a friend in exchange for a place to live but that doesn’t cover other things like food, hygiene, and other things. So I am worried. I am trying to eat healthier and be on the right track as far as food goes. Sometimes with $30 to $100 for a month for food that just doesn’t cut it. I have to swallow a lot of pride and go stand in line at a lot of food banks and eat a lot of sweets, pasta and bread. [That’s what I always get and always grateful for it.] Then I feel guilty for eating it because I am breaking the rules about healthier eating. I feel guilty because people are helping me and I am letting them down by eating the crappy food. I start feeling like I am letting down the people who are trying to help me. Then I know I should weigh in but I don’t want to. I start to get this knot in my stomach. My mouth starts getting very dry and I start to shake. Then I can’t no matter what I do catch my breath. It is terrible. I have thoughts running through my head like-“I can’t weigh because the numbers will show I have gained weight. I will have to tell people I have gained weight. I will let them down. They will be so disappointed in me.” So I don’t weigh. I walk away from the scale. I have failed yet again. I have let people down again.

My mind and emotions keep going from here. Then I reach a point of STOP! I try telling myself I am alright! I try going for a walk around my neighborhood. [Not safe in my area. I have almost been run over or I trip and sprain my ankle every time I do this.] This leads to more frustration!

Then people asking how much more weight I’ve lost and I tell them the truth and I get responses like- “Really that’s all you lost.” “You’re not losing the amount of weight you should be losing” or “Have you just quit?” [The last one is my favorite]

I also am not sleeping at night. No matter what I do I can’t fall asleep. When I do, I don’t stay asleep. It is very frustrating. I usually fall asleep about 4 or 5 in the morning. I then wake up around 11 or 12. Then I am behind on my schedule. I wake up behind and with things not done already. I’m behind on taking medicine and eating. I get nervous and then frustrated just getting out of the bed. This also makes me one grumpy person.

This is where I am right now. This is not where I am going to stay.

I have decided not to follow the schedule I have made up. Since I am not sleeping there is no way I can get up at 6am and start my day. Not happening. I am writing a schedule that makes more sense for me. Yes I’ll be eating breakfast later than most but hey it’s ok. I have decided that yes the food giving to me may not be the healthiest but I can choose the healthiest options of what is giving to me. I have decided to weigh and breathe and know I’ll be alright. I didn’t get to over 400 pounds over night. I know I won’t lose weight overnight neither.

I wish I could report happier and more progress but this is where I am right now.  I haven’t quit. I will achieve this goal. I will continue on the journey of change. My goal is to have more progress to write about on my next blog. I'm taking a U Turn and going back the right way.