As someone who has tried to kill herself twice and as recent as of last year I was begging God to take me home because I was nothing to anyone here on earth, this is a blog posting that really is personal. As many of you already know I was in an extremely dark place. I felt like I was nothing. I felt like someone that could be thrown away. I was depressed. I was breathing but wasn’t alive. I was waiting for death. I was seeking it out because I wanted the heartache and misery to go away. The first time I tried to kill myself I was in the 6th grade. The second time I was in the 7th grade and had learned a lot from the first attempt. I was more determined and serious.
I understand the desperate feeling of wanting all the pain I felt on the inside to go away. I still find it hard to express just how desperate, alone, scared, confused, lonely, isolated, miserable, depressed, panicked, and I could keep going and never explain it enough to make someone who hasn’t been there understand. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. [I still struggle with that.] I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone of any use. I felt trapped. I felt like a prisoner. I felt like wherever I looked there was nothing but darkness wrapping itself around me. The darkness was wrapping itself around my hands and legs. It was chaining me to the spot I was at, like the prisoner I was. I felt like a freak because I couldn’t do anything without being afraid. I had so many panic attacks. I was nothing like anyone else I knew. [Yet with everything I just said I can never explain how horrid I truly felt.] To get a better understanding of where I was read my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
I’d like to say that when I was 13 and decided to not quit that my life got better. It took YEARS! I mean YEARS! I am 38 years old and finally believe I’m worth something. I finally am starting to like myself. I’m finally starting to make my life. I still have moments where the darkness and negativity tries to come out and take over again. It is something that will always be there. I know this. I have known new ways of facing my problems head on.
If you are struggle with feelings of hopelessness and wanting to take your own life please I beg of you don’t. There is light around the corner. This corner may take years of traveling to find. I promise there is light. Never quit! I understand that right now all you see is darkness and pain. Let someone else point out other things for you. Let someone else tell you how wonderful you are. PLEASE! I beg of you. If I had killed myself I wouldn’t be here writing this blog posting. Reach out your hand to someone and let them help you find the light.
Here is the National Suicide Prevention Website:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Here is their number- 1800-273-8255 – 1-800-273-TALK
Reach out to someone who can help you.
If you know someone who needs help please don’t walk away from them. Please reach out and take their hand.
Now I sit here writing this blog thinking about all the things I would have missed if I had killed myself at 13 in the 7th grade and again as an adult.
If someone hadn’t intervened I’d never seen:
1-I would have missed my
siblings growing up into wonderful people. I have three beautiful nieces from
my sister. I have a niece and nephew from my brother. I am very blessed to be
their aunt.
2-I would have missed
out on the moments of joy with my best friend since I was seven years old.
3-I would have never
met Judi who has become one of my treasured friends. She helped convince me I
was smart enough to go to college. Then she helped me every step of the way.
4-I would have missed
out on doing the Disney College Program and then becoming a Campus Rep for the program.
5-I would have missed
meeting Nikki and becoming friends and Disney Travel Buddies. I would have
never had these magical memories I have now.
6-I would have never
seen my mom bless so many through the work she does with homeless teenagers in
our town.
7-I would have never
enjoyed the joy of chasing down my dream of being a writer. I love this
journey.
I’m going to finish this blog with something I post
on Twitter a lot. I talk a lot about
being positive and helping someone out. It can be as simple as a smile. Trust
me when I say a Smile can make someone’s day. It could go much deeper and have
a huge impact on someone’s life. Please take the second it takes to smile and
give a smile to everyone you cross paths with. You’ll be amazed at how this
blesses your life in a positive way as well.If you’d like to follow me on Twitter where I post about my Journey of Change
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
