Today sounds better....

Today sounds better………….

I know I haven’t written in a while. I have been sick. I’ve been sick for the past six weeks. When I came home from vacation I really realized how sick. Now I’m finally over pneumonia and bronchitis. My ears still have a lot of fluid in them which is driving me crazy. Nothing has gotten it out. My right ear is full and left ear is half full. I can’t hear out of right ear and my left ear has hearing but not 100%. I’m dizzy and have a headache from the pressure. I do feel a little better though. I’m not really doing a lot of coughing. Finally!

Today I’m writing this posting in a positive frame of mind. I’m determined that it will be a wonderful day. I’m determined that I will get better. It’s not every day that one turns 39 years old. I’m determined to celebrate and have fun today.

Yesterday I went to my mail box and received a nice surprise. I was sent a gift from a fellow Block Head. It is a really beautiful bracelet. It read “I Love Jon.” I love it. It came at the right moment too. I was feeling sorry for myself. I hated being in this house and not able to do anything due to being sick. I was upset because my doctor isn’t returned my calls since Monday. I had tried to take a walk and make myself feel better and I got so dizzy I had to turn around. I had found out that my birthday lunch wasn’t going to happen. I was really having a pity party for myself. Then I checked the mail. I was glad I did because I got this beautiful bracelet. I love it! Thank you Lisa.

I learned that this Block Head makes this. If you would like one here’s a link to check her out.

https://www.keep-collective.com/with/designsbylisabush

Today I’m determined to make it a great day!

How Does a Panic Attack Feel....

How does a Panic Attack Feel.....

As you all know I have had some wonderful experiences and events happen in my life this past month. I’m grateful for them all. I am also grateful that I was able to do them. I didn’t let me nerves get the best of me.

Well I’ve been sick, tired, weak and dizzy since I got back from vacation. Then my dad has gone into the hospital. [Without giving details it is serous] I haven’t been able to see him. I’ve been very concerned about him. I haven’t been able to walk since I got home from vacation due to coughing and being dizzy. Walking is a stress relief for me. But I’ve been able to stay positive.

Well last night happened. I woke up from a nightmare already in a state of panic. I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like my bedroom was closing in on me trying to kill me. My body was shaking from head to toe. I hands and arms were really shaking on me. I couldn’t slow down the thoughts in my head. I couldn’t refocus my brain. I was trying to focus on my safe and happy place but it wasn’t happening. I kept feeling like I was stuck in my nightmare. [A memory one] I saw my tablet by my bed and grabbed it. It took me ten minutes just to log on because my hands were shaking so much. I finally logged onto Twitter. I made myself think of nothing but Twitter. I posted what was happening to me. Luckily there was some nice people on line. They chatted with me till I was calmer. It took me a while and a lot of refocusing of my brain and thoughts but I was able to get out of the panic and into a much calmer place. I was able to fall asleep again a couple hours later.

Yet this morning I’m being quite hard on myself. I feel so ashamed! I always feel so ashamed when these happen. I also feel like I owe everyone an apology when I have these. Today is no different. I just had the most amazing month. I traveled and did new experiences a lone. I did something I’ve always wanted to do. Yet at home in my room I had a huge panic attack. I’m just upset with myself right now.

I had some message me this morning and ask me what it was like to have a panic attack. That is hard to put into words. I can give you the definition of them but that really doesn’t do it justice. I also know that panic attacks feel different for everyone who experiences them. When I explain them I’m explaining it from my experience. I can’t say if it is what everyone experiences.

I have different things that trigger panic attacks but that’s another posting. For me it begins with this feeling of dread, feeling of doom, feeling of fear, feeling like everything is going wrong, there is too much to handle and take in, there is too much happening, there are too many demands, there is just so much, people are watching me, the room is getting smaller, the space is getting smaller, the air is getting less, the pressure is starting to hurt me, the pressure is pushing against me it is closing in around me, the room is now even smaller, the ceiling is closing in on me, my mind is betraying me, my thoughts have left me, I can’t think, I can’t remember things, I can’t focus, OMG! What’s going to happen to me? I must leave, I must get away, I must escape, I can’t think, what is wrong with my brain? Where have my thoughts gone? Why is there no space? I have no air, I’ve got to get away from here! I’m not safe! I’m going to get hurt! I can’t take this! I’ve got to get away! I must get AWAY!!! I can’t breathe, my heart is beating so fast, my body is betraying me, it is shaking, it is out of control, I have no control, I HAVE TO ESCAPE! I’M GOING TO GET HURT! I’M IN TROUBLE! I WANT TO ESCAPE! The room has needles in it and all of them are pressing into me. The air is almost gone. I can’t focus, I can’t think, please just go away, PLEASE EVERYTHING GO AWAY!

At this point I try to escape. I try to run off. I don’t like people near me or touching me when I have panic attacks so I run off and run off away from everyone. I have gotten in such a state of panic in the past that I have forgotten who I was. Imagine how scared you would be when you can’t remember who you are. It makes the panic worse for sure. I have never had anyone show me or teach me but I have learned things that trigger these. I have also learned that planning ahead helps me. I research and plan events ahead. [This drives my family and friends crazy] But this does help me a lot! My trip to Dallas I planned everything. I had researched the route the Greyhound would take. I researched how far the it was from Greyhound station to the American Airline Center. I looked up pictures of what it looked like on the inside. I mean I looked up everything. It helped. I still had a moment, a small moment but I was able to handle it. I did the same thing for Orlando. So planning ahead really helps me.

I’ve also taught myself to refocus my brain. I refocus my mind to focus on thoughts that make me happy and are positive. I also focus my mind to think of things that make me feel safe. I’ve learned that refocusing my thoughts to something that makes me feel safe and happy truly does help me calm down. However there are still times when it doesn’t work. Those are the worst because it takes a lot to calm me down. It also takes a lot out of me physically and emotionally.  This is where I am today.

So today I’m spending time reminding myself that I’ve come a long way. I’m reminding myself that I can do this. I’m going to get up again and go for it!

To see where I began this journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
Personal one where I mostly talk to BH’s about the guys-but I do talk to anyone who contacts me. https://twitter.com/MarieMontgome16

 

 

Orlando It Happened

Orlando It Happened……

I have so much to be grateful for and I’m GRATEFUL! I have been blessed!

I returned from a vacation that I was blessed to be able to do because a friend was determined I was going and made sure I went. She also made sure I got to see family and friends I have in the Florida area. This friend also made sure that her daughter and I got to go see NKOTB in Orlando. [I’m beyond grateful for this friend.]

I drove my friend there and home due to her eye sight she can’t drive. I had to go through a tunnel in Mobile AL. I grabbed the steering wheel so tight I thought I was going to break it. I am claustrophobic. I have had panic attacks in the past when in tunnels or extreme tight situations. I didn’t thankfully because I was driving. I did it. I did it both going to FL. and coming Home from FL.

If you read my blog you all know I have had problems and fears of hugging people. I really didn’t like that personal closeness because I was afraid of being hurt [physically]. I didn’t even hug my family or closest friends that much. Well I am now becoming a hugging person. Before I left for this trip I made a sure to hug my mom. I went to her work just to give her a hug. I did the same for my dad. They both were a bit surprised but glad I did.

Then when I got to Orlando I even hugged my biological father Rocky and my aunt and cousin. I then got to see my best friend since I was seven and I hugged her more than once. She has always been understanding about me not wanting to hug. She would barely give me hugs but this time we hugged. I met her husband for the first time too. When he met me he hugged me tight. That was kind of uncomfortable for me but yet I did it.

This trip to Orlando was great for me. My visit with Sandra [My best friend since I was seven] was wonderful. We spent most of the day at Magic Kingdom with her family. Then went back to her house and watched the Dallas NKOTB Main Event Concert. We both squealed on my Remix moment with Donnie. Then we had the NKOTB birthday cake she made for me. [We celebrated it early since I wouldn’t see her on my birthday.] It was a great time.

Then Friday June 5^th was the topper for our vacation. This was the night I got to go see NKOTB again. I was taking my friends daughter to her first concert ever. [I introduced her to NKOTB music and made her a BH.] She loves Joe and wasn’t disappointed with the concert at all. She got a lot of Joe. We were able to upgrade our sits for free. When I went to the inner box office to do that there were tickets waiting on me. I have no idea who did this but I am grateful! We were close to the stage now. I loved this concert just as much as Dallas concert. It was wonderful. I got to give Danny and Jordan both five as they were passing me in the audience. Now the best part of the concert came at the end. I had a poster that said –Jon Hug Me Please- Well after Hangin’ Tough all the guys were circling the stage on the end I was at and high waving to fans. Jon was the last one. He saw my poster. He was reading it and then pointed to it and curled his index finger doing the come here sign. I did too. I went right to him. He came down the stairs and gave me a HUGE HUG! I think gave him a hug that was just as huge and tight. He hugged for a good bit. He gives the best hugs I have ever had too. He then said “Lets take a picture.” He turned me around and put his arm around me and his cheek against mine and took a picture with me. Then he smiled at me and patted my back and went back on stage. I was so excited. I was also happy. I was just so into the moment and happy. As you can see from my pictures. Also notice I have no hat on this time. I also have no problems having him that close to my face. I was completely relaxed and comfortable. I wasn’t afraid. I also like the smile on Jon's face. You can tell he truly loves his fans.

I posted a thank you to Jon on Twitter for the hug with the link for my blog. He read it and commented. He is an amazing sweet and caring man. Since Jon commented about my blog I have gotten even more support and comments of encouragement from people esp. BH’s. I’m grateful to all of you.

I have been asked now that I have a hug from Jon have I lost motivation? NO! I am even more encouraged to challenge myself. I’m going to force myself to do things that I might be afraid of or that might have unknown outcomes. I’m going to continue to exercise and gain even healthier habits. I’m going to continue to write the story I’m working on. I’m going to continue to blog. I’m going to continue to try to achieve my goals of travel and experiencing different events. I will continue to do these things and many more. I’m going to continue to live and enjoy life.

I have been asked if which blogs I would recommend people to read to know about me now and where I’ve come from. My answer would be:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2015/05/i-did-it-it-was-amazing-wow-awesome.html

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2015/05/hats-and-hugs.html

and of course the first one

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

To follow me on Twitter

Here's the one for the blog:

https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

Here's my personal

https://twitter.com/MarieMontgome16

I also have a Facebook set up for my blog:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy