Speaking My Mind

This has taken me a while to write. This did not happen to me, but it did happen to a friend of mine. My friend called up so upset because this happened to her. She went with her husband out to eat. While eating this family came in and the kids were brats. They were causing problems, running around, and yelling. My friend and her husband finished their meal. They were waiting on a cab.

(Now here is where I need to give you some background information. My friend has Lipedema in her arms. In the arms Lipedema is rare but she has it. It affects her arms like it affects my legs)

My friend and her husband were waiting for their cab. He was outside while she waited in the AC. One of the kids came up to my friends and asked, “Hey Why are your arms so big?” This caught my friend off her guard, but her response was great “Why are you the way you are?” The kid’s parents looked at my friend like she was terrible for asking/ responding that way. Then the kid reached for my friend’s arms and almost touched her arms “Can I touch it?” My friend replied in a firm voice “Don’t touch me!” The kid’s parents Huffed and gave her the stare of how dare you. My friend was upset. The kid just stood there staring and pointing at my friend. Several people were now looking at my friend. She walked outside to wait in the heat for the cab with her husband. She was so embarrassed. Plus, due to so many people staring at her she was also dealing with her anxiety too.

I am sharing this story because things like this have happened to me before. I understand the embarrassment she felt. As you all know I carry my 80% of my weight in my legs. It is Lipedema. I am a 3x on top and 6x/7x on the bottom because of Lipedema. I do not look like what the war says is normal. I am extremely big from my hips down. So I get lots of looks, rude and mean comments. I get it a lot. When I stand up for myself I get comments like “Well your fat and did it to yourself.” “Well all we’re doing is speaking the truth your huge!” I’ve been called a beach whale. Once I was walking and had on a tie-dye tunic. A car vehicle drove past me and then backed up rolling down their window. I think they’re asking for directions. I go to the window and the person says “Do you know you look like a tie-dye beach whale walking.” Everyone in the vehicle laughed. It cut me to the core.

There have been times when I was in public with people all around and someone has made remarks loud enough for everyone to hear. No one else said anything but they laughed at it. I have gone to job interviews and the interviewer has made side remarks about my weight. Or they’ll make comments like “Umm I am not sure you can keep up” as they look me up one side and down the other. It is like people know making fun of people who are fat is accepted. People know they will get support.

Oh and after I have been made fun of in front of people I have had people come up to me and say “Well maybe getting told the truth will motivate you to lose weight. Sometimes people just need the truth pointed out them.” Really? You’re saying it is okay to say rude things at me, be disrespectful to me, and make fun of me. It is okay for people to discriminate against me just because I’m fat!

Well it is Not! None of this kind of behavior is ok. It is not alright to treat me or anyone else like this. I am a human being. I am a member of the human race. Hello! I should be treated with respect and kindness. (That’s how I treat people.) Despite what it the consensus is I did not do this to myself. I do not sit around all day eating. I do not eat entire pizza, or an entire bag of potato chips in one setting. I do not eat donuts, candy and cup cakes all day. I do not have 1,000 calories per meal. I do not just sit around and watch TV all day. I enjoy walking. I enjoy doing Richard Simmons workouts and Sit and Be Fit workouts. I enjoy traveling. I enjoy walking to meet my friends downtown for picnics or just hanging out. I like to participate in life. Yes I know this surprises a lot of people. Some of you might be reading this going “What! No way a person of that huge size can do all of that.” (I said some of you)

Here are a few things you should know about me:

1-My appearance and weight gain is not my fault. I have Stage 4 Lipedema- Secondary Lymphedema both diseases lead to obesity. (Look it UP!) I did not know I had Lipedema until I was at stage 4. I found out eleven months ago. I have had it since I was 14/15 years old. Doctors just would say- “lose weight” “get active” “stop eating junk” (No wonder people treat us like we deserve to be treated with disrespect- the doctors do too!)

2-I have always tried to lose weight. I have been successful and then it would just stop. I could never really lose weight in my legs. In fact, no matter what I did, my legs kept getting bigger. Doctors just didn’t care. They saw me and FAT end of story.

3-There is a Public Relation campaign called “The War on Obesity.” WAR! Really you are going to war against me? You are going to war against human beings like myself.  War? When you say War doesn’t it mean a fight, a battle, a physical assault, trying to defeat one group of people so another one can rule? I did a quick research of the meaning of war and got this- War is a state of armed conflict between states, societies and informal groups, such as insurgents and militias. It is generally characterized by extreme aggression, destruction, and mortality, using regular or irregular military forces.

Is this what we’re doing here with the “War on obesity”?

No wonder people feel that they have the right to be rude, mean, and disrespectful to people like myself, my friend, and lots of people like myself, they are at war with us. They think we are the enemy. I am here to tell you, We Are Not the Enemy. We are human beings.

I have no idea where this will go from here. I didn’t intend to write in this tone when I started but maybe it is for the best. I had to get this out. Now that it is maybe we can talk about this honestly.

Thank You for reading this.

 

 

Lipedema

Hi,

I hope you all even remember who I am. Yes, I know it has been a long time since I have posted. An extremely long time. The good news is that while I have not been posting my blogs I have had lots of things happening in my life. In case you haven’t read any of my blogs read below to see where I began. http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
As you all already know I had lost weight and had lots of success learning how to handle my anxiety and panic attacks. Then I lost a dear friend. I was caring for her daughter and almost got custody of her daughter but then had her taken away too. (I still don’t know if she is even alive. That weighs heavy on my heart.) This really set me back. I became really depressed. I dealt with it by eating. I got myself back on track. But I discovered something- I was losing weight and inches up top but not below the waist. Everything below my waist was just saying the same. My hips and thighs were not getting any smaller. I was walking, doing water aerobics, and exercise DVD’s and yet my lower portion of my body did not change.  FRUSTRATING!
I started doing research on the matter. I even went to doctors and asked questions. I would get answers like you need to diet and exercise. You need to get off your butt and do something. (You have no idea how hard it was not to tell them off.) One night I was flipping channels and saw a show on TLC called “My Legs Won’t Stop Growing”. I recorded it. I had a friend come over and watch this with me the next day. I was shocked because the first story they shared was a lady that was a lot like me. My friend said the same thing. The first story was talking about Lipedema. So, my friend and I researched Lipedema. We read the symptoms and it was describing me perfectly. We kept researching. Then I read No amount of diet and exercise would help get rid of the excess fat in the areas effected by Lipedema. I was stunned! I was pissed. I had no words. The next morning, I spent hours online researching Lipedema praying that it wasn’t true. That there was a way to lose the heavy weight on my thighs. All the research said that no amount of exercise or diet would cause the Lipedema fat to go away.

What I did next was not smart and I am ashamed to admit it. I stopped dieting and exercises. (Yep stupid) I just stopped, diet wise. I did find a new doctor that listened to me. I shared my research. She agreed that could be what I had. She didn’t know about so together we went about finding a Lipedema doctor. This took a while. (At this point it is April of 2017.) I kept researching Lipedema. I tried to force myself to diet but I was so depressed. I couldn’t get it together. My right knee needs replaced but can’t be until I lose 200 to 250 pounds. During this time, my walking and exercise became less and less.
This continued until August of 2017. I got in to see a Lipedema doctor. She confirmed I have Lipedema Stage Four. In fact, she gave me a complete diagnosis. I felt over whelmed. Here’s the complete diagnosis-
*Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Type 3

*Lipedema Stage 4

Secondary caused by Lipedema
           *Lymphedema
           *Obesity

* Dercum's Disease

Then add that to the high blood pressure, serve arthritis, a right knee that need to be replaced, tension headaches, migraines that present with stroke like symptoms, anxiety, panic attacks and depression it was over whelming. I woke up that night scared just thinking about everything. I woke up having a panic attack. Honestly, I felt confused and scared. The first few weeks I was walking around in a daze. I shared the news with my friends and family. I shared what I had and information about Lipedema. Yet, I still got comments like lose some weight it will help. Oh and this one really got me. God wants you to be healthy and thin. I got a lot of comments like this. But I kept sharing about my condition. Thankfully I met some Lipedema ladies through a support group.
Then the anger started kicking in. I was angry because I had Stage Four Lipedema. Stage Four. Why hadn’t any doctor ever told me about this before. Stage four. I have been complaining to doctors for years about pain in my legs. Stage Four. I have complained about not being able to lose weight in my legs. Stage Four. Stage Four! I have learned that if it was stage 1 or 2 and I could have hope of having things done and possible reverse the effects. Stage 1 or 2 have research being done. I kept thinking about all the doctors who have told me that I was lazy. I kept thinking of doctors who have told me I was just fat. I kept thinking of all the doctors who told me that losing weight would fix everything wrong with my health. I was angry. Due to never being listen to by doctors I now was in Stage Four. (That is the highest level) I was now having to fix a lifetime of mistakes made with my health. I kept getting madder.

I was dealing with all the above while still trying to find employment. I was not finding a job. Plus, my knees keep getting worse. My ability to stand for any amount of time was becoming almost impossible. Plus, my debt was getting worse. I was not seeing the end of any of this. My panic attacks were coming back stronger. I was staying home more. I didn’t want to see anyone. I was depressed. I have started selling Tupperware and it has at least kept some food and my co pays taken care of.
I am no longer angry. I still not happy that it took so long to get a diagnosis, but I am letting go of the anger. I realized that not watching what I eat is just stupid. I have gained everything back. I am 500 pounds. I am pissed at myself right now.
I now have lots of information and guidelines for Lipedema. I know what to do and what not to do. I have discovered that my insurance will not cover anything for Lipedema. So, I am focusing on what I can do to help. I know that I can’t lose the fat/weight in my legs due to Lipedema, but I know what to do to decrease flare up and pain.  Anything to lessen the pain is a positive for me. I do know I can lose the weight from the waist up and I plan on doing that. I know that will help. Even if it is only my self-confidence.
Now that you have read the above you understand where I am at this point. Honestly, I feel like I am basically starting over. UGG ☹
I have had two doctors tell me, this past month, that I need to try for SSI/Disability. This has really rocked my world and not in a good way. I may not have been employed in a while, but I have been working. I have been cleaning houses, babysitting, selling Tupperware, doing extra walks, and caring for a friend. (I have a place to live in exchange I help remind Judi to take her medicines, cook, and do housework, and run errands.) So to hear that I should go for disability lowers my self-esteem. It also goes against what several people that are friends and family have to say. I look at my Facebook timeline and there are lots of posts about how pissed they are about people on disability or any kind of government help. It is filled with comments like “People that don’t work shouldn’t eat or get help.” I always ignore it but now that I am having to go for the SSI/Disability I know what several members of my friends and family will think about me.
Right now, I have both of my legs propped up. My right knee is getting worse. I have fallen 4 times this week. I keep falling because either my right knee or left knee gives out on me. So I have come to accept that I do need to apply for the SSI/disability. So this is the place that I am at right now.

 

 

IJust Don't Knoww

I have no idea on what to write or say in this blog. It feels like I am lost inside. I have been in a funk, a fog, a haze or a daze. I have been very depressed. I feel like I am living in a darkness of sadness. It has been like this for me for quite a while now. Since July it seems like so many things in my life are falling apart.

In July, a dear friend of mine died after a long battle in a comma in ICU. It was very hard to watch her body and mind just slip away into nothing. I had been watching her daughter with down syndrome. I was living at my friend’s house and still going back and forth taking care of Judi. I also started taking care of our neighbor who has MS. I was doing all of this since the first part of June. My friend’s final days just hit me hard. During this time, I had an issue with my health. I was having serve chest pains. I didn’t take the time to do anything about it. I figured that it was just stress. So, it kept getting worse. I landed myself in the ER with serve chest pains. I was scared to death when the doctor told me we think you’re having a heart attack. They did a lot of tests and then admitted me into the hospital. It wasn’t a heart attack but they thought it was a blood clot. Well I was in there for almost a week. During this time my friend’s daughter that I had been caring for went to live with family in another state. I found myself missing her daughter more than I could ever imagine. I loved that girl. I also was dealing with the fact that my doctor wanted me to go to apply for SSI due to my health and limited ability to work. I didn’t want to do this. I had to deal with this fact. It has me very upset and feeling like I was useless.
I did what the doctor told me and working on myself. I couldn’t seem to get over my friend’s death or no longer seeing her daughter. My dad was also having a lot of health issues during this time. I was very concerned. I started getting panic again. I was still trying to find a job during this time also. I was still having trouble finding a job. It seemed like no matter what I couldn’t get a job. Then in September I got a job. I went through there three weeks of paper work and finally got hired! This was the middle of September. I was working as a cashier part time. I was very happy. I did all the orientation and training and was really enjoying the job and people I worked with. Then on the fourth week I fall down my front concrete stairs. I really missed up my right knee and ankle. I was told to take ten days off work. I then went back to orthopedic and learned that my knee needed to be completely replaced. In fact, both would need replaced. My right knee especially was messed up. The doctor also said that my ankles and hips were showing signs that they would need to be replaced as well. My doctor said I had to work only two hours then sit down with my knee prompted up and ice on it. I could only work a four hour shift too. Well this wasn’t good for keeping my job. I’m on the schedule for when I heal but I can’t work till then. (URR!) My doctor also told me to stop walking as much as I was walking. Stop doing the workout videos because of how it would do harm to my knees and legs. (That really did hurt because my walking was a relief for me.)
This began the job hunt looking for something I could do sitting down. I haven’t had any luck at all. I was told last week that SSI would take another six months before they knew anything. This has only added more stress to me. I am without an income. I have nothing coming in. NOTHING! I’m very grateful that I can live with a friend in exchange for cooking and helping her out. I still have no income. Trust me when I say medical and student loans do not wait nor understand. They call and demand their money way too much.
I have gotten so depressed during this time. It seemed like I had nothing to do to help my situation improve. I was trying very hard but kept landing on my face. I was in a circle of stress that was crazy because I couldn’t get out of it.

To make matters worse, due to not exercising, depression and not able to afford FirstFitness Nutrition I’ve gained all the weight I had lost. I’m completely at the beginning again not knowing how to start again. I can’t seem to get going again. My nerves are completely fired too. I am back to having issues with my nerves again. I have been staying away from everyone again. I’ve not been really wanting to write in the blog either. I haven’t been wanting to write when there isn’t anything good to write about. I feel like I’ve let so many people down. I know I’ve let myself down.

This past week I’ve forced myself to decorate for Christmas for Judi. I knew she wants it done. It has helped me get into somewhat of an improved mood. I got to have my nephew over to make cookies and he helped me decorate too. It helped my mood improve even more. I have the front porch and the living room finished. I decided that maybe writing this blog would help me get going again. I’m sorry that it isn’t a very happy one but it is a truthful posting. I’m having to begin again. I’m just trying to figure out how to do that.
I began here in September of 2013 and I’m here again:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Where have I been?

Where have I been?
(This is a long blog but I finally have words flowing again.)

Well that is hard to explain. I have been away for a while. It seems like words have left me. I've tried writing in this blog, on my story or even doing simple lesson plans for the group of kids I teach and nothing comes out. It has been a hard couple of months. 
June was hard for me. For some reason turning 40 seemed depressing. It wasn't because of the age I'm fine with being 40. It was because of the all the things I hadn't accomplished yet. I'm sure I am not the only one with the lists of things I would achieve by the time I was 40. I was really feeling like I was behind. I felt like I was behind of where I should be in life. Let me explain:
My sister has a daughter that is a senior and one that is a junior. My two of my friends have kids that are also graduating high school this year. I have no children. All of my friends have been married for 10 years or more. One has been married for 20 years. I have never been married. Please don't ask how long it has been since I was in a relationship. I have the associates degree but not in my dream degree of ASL interpreting for the Deaf and travel. (Yes I know this is two different degrees but it is my passions.) I hadn't achieve the weight loss goal I had wanted. I hadn't achieved the NKOTB Cruise that was a goal of mine. I hadn't relocated back to Florida and started working at Walt Disney World again. This is a huge goal of mine. I think you understand what I mean now. 

Then on June 15th my dear friend Linda Sharp called me. She said she was going into the hospital Thursday afternoon. She wanted to know if I would watch her daughter April at her house for her. I said yes. It is important for April to have a routine that doesn't change too much. April is 30 years old and had down syndrome. I have known April for almost four years now.  Linda was only suppose to be in the hospital until Monday. My staying and caring for April became much longer. Linda was seriously ill. I was enjoying the daily contact with April. She basically stole my heart. I enjoyed making sure she was ready every morning for her school and then making dinner every night. I enjoyed doing her night time routine of different projects for each day. I enjoyed getting to know April more and more each day. April and I both love music, wrestle and Disney. (In fact April's nick name for me is Mickey Mouse.) 
My friend Linda was getting worse. She was now in ICU on life support because her colon and intestines had exploded. She was toxic. Linda was still responsive. She set it up where I was allowed to know her medical information and care for April. I was given permission to try and find her family. (I knew this would be hard because Linda had had a fallen out with her family.They hadn't spoken for almost a year now.) I went through house trying to find her family. I wasn't having any luck finding their contact information. 
During this time I was also still caring for April and Judi too.(My friend I normally care for) It always seemed like I was going from house to house. I was staying at Linda's to be with April more. 

About a week after Linda was in ICU I finally did what I didn't want to do and posted on Linda's Facebook page a plea for her family to contact me. Linda's late husband's side of the family contacted me first. Then Linda's sister contacted me on June 26th. I gave her the information about Linda. She now coordinated from out of the state the care for Linda with her doctors. I still cared for April. Linda was still in ICU. She was only getting worse. I was concerned about April and the impact of loosing her mother would have on her. 
I talked to several friends and family members about my concern. I shared how much I loved April. I shared how I would love to take care of April forever. I was met with some surprising responses. Almost everyone of my friends told me they didn't think I could care for April. They told me how I couldn't even care for myself. They said if it wasn't for Judi doing everything for me I wouldn't be making it. They said due to my panic attacks I wasn't able to provide care for anyone on a full time bases. It is a great gesture but I couldn't do it. (There are no words to describe how much this hurt me and still does.)

I was still concerned about what would happen to April when Linda died so I talked with the staff at April's school who have been working with April since she was 18. They knew Linda and April well. I asked what would happen to April when Linda died. I was told by April's caseworker that Linda had begin the process for putting April into the group home. This group home was one that was like family. They did outings together. They did vacations together. They make and have dinners together. April had four friends from school already there. They shared this with April and she was excited about going into the group home. She was excited because she knew she could see me as often as she wanted. To be honest I was excited about still getting to be a part of April's life. I love this lady. She and I had become such close friends. We did everything together now. It is hard explain how much I love April. I had never understood what parents meant when they said "their kids had just stolen theirs hearts and they were happy about it" until the time with April. I couldn't even imagine my life without her in it. So now I knew what Linda had had planned for April I began to talk with April about her mother dying. We spent many nights awake all night with April crying in my arms. We talked about how her mom would be joining her dad in heaven. We talked about how Linda wasn't ever totally gone from April because April had Linda's love and memories in her heart and mind. We talked about April having pictures and stories of her mom to share with anyone she meets. We talked about April still being able to see me. We talked about April and I still doing crafts, cooking, music, and wrestle together. We talked about April getting to start a new chapter in her life. We talked about everything. I continued to be there for April and Judi. Then my dad went into the hospital. He had a bleeding ulcer and then it went from there. (My dad has serious heart and diabetes issues already so we were concerned about him. Especially my mom.) So I was now taking care of Judi, April, going to visit Linda and my dad. I was stressed. I was worried. I was concerned. Sadly, staying on the healthy food plan I was doing was gone. Also I wasn't exercising. I just couldn't seem to find the time or the will. (Yes I know this wasn't a healthy way to deal with any of the things happening in my life.) I kept making sure that April was alright. My biggest concern was making sure she would be alright. I did m best to keep her life as normal as possible but lets face it it was very different now. Life continued like this for me through the remainder of June and into July. My dad did come home from the hospital. I was relieved. I was also now having a hard time finding out how Linda was doing because not family but yet Linda had set it up where I could be notified. Also I was the one caring for April, her daughter.
Linda's sister told me that when Linda died she would come and get April and take her with her. (Now she lives in another state.) I told April's school and case worker. They informed me that it was April's choice where she lived and who she wanted to be in charge of ensuring she was taken care of. They explained to April and she said she wanted to go into the group home. That night April asked me if I would ever leave her. I told April no. I was always going to be her friend and in her life. April slept good that night. 
July 12th my friend Judi was having a bad night. She needed me at my house that night. So April and I stayed there. Linda's sister showed up that night. (Well really early morning of the 13th.) She was now staying at Linda's house. That morning I took a cab with April to her school with April. Dropped April there. Then I got a ride from Linda's pastors wife and we went to Linda's house. They had food to drop off for them. I then went and got Linda's car from the shop. I went back to April's school to tell them that her aunt was now here and April would be going home on the bus to her aunt at her house. They said no. April was going into the group home that afternoon. I was asked to take April to get all the information from the bank that was needed. I did. We went back to her school. Then April said she didn't want to stay at school and wanted to spend the day with me. So I took April with me for the day. We went and had lunch and then to Judi's to help her out. 
After this I got a lot of text messages from Linda's sister wanting to know Judi's address to come get April. Well I couldn't do that because of the rules Judi has about letting people know where she lives. Later when I had April at the group home looking at her new room Linda's sister shows up. My world began to crash at this point. (I can't share anymore details than this.)
The next day, July 14th I was at April's school main office to turn all receipts and the journal I kept from the time I began taking care of April. I also turned Linda's and April's bank card to them. They made copies for Linda's sister, them and me. During this time I began to have huge chest pains. (I'd been having slight ones for a week now.) I began to sweat really bad. I was only able to take short breaths. I figured I was having the beginnings of a panic attack but this felt different than the panic attacks I have. I didn't say anything to anyone because I wanted to be sure the copies were all made & signed before I said anything. When we finished the staff on their own called the nurse. She checked me out and said lets get you to the ER. She gave me a ride to the hospital ER. I didn't wait the ER put me on an EKG. I was told it wasn't a heart attack but I did have signs of something being wrong with my heart. I was put in a room in the ER. Then they did lots of blood work. I texted Linda's sister that the card was turned in and I was in the hospital ER. She stopped by and visited me for a few minutes to tell me how April was now happy to be going with her. She also told me they were pulling the plug on Linda that afternoon. She said she hoped I felt better. A few minutes after she left my mom arrived. (I was very happy to see my mom.) I told her how April was going to be gone. I wouldn't be seeing her. I told her that they taking the life support off Linda that afternoon. I was so worried about how April was going to handle that. I kept telling my mom this over and over. I also kept telling my mom I was concerned about Judi she wasn't doing very good. My mom kept telling me to not worry. But I kept thinking of April. 
The doctor came in and said I was being admitted because my blood work showed signs of a blood clot. I didn't want to be admitted because I wanted to tell Linda goodbye and see April one last time. I wanted to give her a hug. But my mom and the doctor finally convinced me that I needed to go in the hospital. I agreed. I then told my mom to go check and help out Judi. She left. Then the X-Ray techs came in and took me to do a test. I saw the tube machine as I was being pushed into the door. I grabbed both sides of the door. I said "NO" NO!" I'm not going in that tube!" I was really having a panic attack now. This was like the ones I was used to having. I was shaking. I was crying. I was hysterical. The techs said "Ma'am you have to have this test because they're concerned about a blood clot in the lungs." This didn't help me calm down. This news made me worse. I said I wasn't even told this by the doctor and I wasn't told about the test. They responded "We'll take you back to the room and have the doctor give you something to calm down." They took me back to the room. I texted my mom about what happened and about their concern about the blood clot too. I then tried to clam down. I started doing my self talk and slowing down my breathing. Then the techs came back in and told me they had another way to test but it would be longer but not in a tube. I agreed to this test. I went to do this test. Then after the test was done I was transferred to a regular room on the cardiac floor. Then my mom came into the room. (Poor thing looked very pale and concerned.) I told her about the alternate way to test I had done. We talked for a while. Then she went to Judi's for the night. That night a friend sat with me for several hours. I then got a call from another friend that Linda had passed away that afternoon. I wanted to just cry but I couldn't let it all go yet. (Linda's sister didn't tell me anything.) I notified all the family & friends about her passing away. I did this in hospital. I was supposed to be calming down and trying to rest but I was calling to notify people about Linda's passing away. Then I get a call from the funeral home Linda was released to. Linda's sister refused to bury Linda. She refused to make any arrangements. The guy told me that it was on me and the other friend because Linda had put us down on her contact information and emergency contact. It was now our responsibility. I kept trying to interrupt the guy but he kept demanding to know what I wanted done with Linda's body. I said "SIR! I wasn't even allowed to see Linda or have information about her in the end and it is now my responsibility to bury her? How?" He said because when the sister refused to bury her it went to you and the other friend. I finally said really loud "SIR I'M IN THE HOSPITAL! I might have a blood clot in my lungs. I have had a huge panic attack because of how this was handled and now you're bugging me about what to do bury my friend. I can't think right now." He said he was sorry but he needed to know tonight. Then he said I'll try the other friend. I hung up. I finished visiting with my friend. She left. Then I tried to sleep. It didn't work at all. Then I just started crying. I cried most of the night. Nurses kept coming in and sitting with me. The next morning found out it wasn't a blood clot in the lungs. They didn't know where it was. They were going to do a cardiac anagram procedure the next day around noon. I told my mom and my friends. I also kept trying to make sure that April was alright. I was still being contacted by people that knew Linda. I kept wanting to sleep but it wasn't happening. They kept giving me medicine to help me relax and sleep but it wasn't happening. The nurses were like you should be passed out. I just wasn't sleeping. I couldn't get my mind to stop being worried about April. I couldn't keep my mind from thinking about maybe I handled this situation wrong because the group home Linda wanted April in instead of with her sister didn't happen. Then of course my mind went to why didn't Linda write out a will? Then I get mad at Linda for  not doing that. Then I'd mad at myself for being mad at Linda. Whenever anyone left the room I would cry and cry. I wasn't really talking to people I knew. 
That night the nurse came in and bought me the paper work to sign for the procedure the next day. She kept stressing over and over that due to my weight there was a chance I wouldn't make it. In fact the odds were against me because of my weight. Now I was really concerned about this procedure. I thought about my family and friends. I thought about even the ones I was upset with. Their comments about how I couldn't care for April because I couldn't care for myself kept going through my mind. I didn't want my family not to know what to do with me if I died or was put on life support. I wrote it all out. Then I wrote my will. I wrote my funeral service and details about the party afterwards. I wrote a good bye message to my friends. Then wrote messages to my family. I had lots of prayers and talk with God too. I stayed awake until 4:57 a.m. doing this. I finally fall asleep and the nurses came in about 6 to finish prepping me for the procedure. 
(It's now the 16th) I had the procedure. I was giving strong meds but didn't sleep during it. I sang the entire time. (I've been told this by the doctor and nurses. They were playing 60's music and a couple Monkees songs came on. I really like them.) After it I slept for a couple hours but my mom said it was restless sleep.  When I was finally allowed to move around I didn't want to stay in bed. I was walking all around the room. I just couldn't be still. I couldn't calm down. I had another restless night. I was now tired of being in the hospital. I wanted to go home and make sure for myself that Judi was alright. I wanted to see my fur babies. I missed my cats. I wanted sleep most of all. The next day the 17th, I did get a couple hours of sleep and also got to walk around the hospital floor I was on. I just kept walking. They finally made me get back into the bed. I got some sleep off and on this day. Thankfully I got 4 hours of sleep that night. 
Monday the 18th at 3 p.m. I got to come home. I kept trying to help out Judi who finally made me go to bed. I did basically nothing till Friday. 

I got the Monkees tickets as a birthday present. I went to the concert that night. I had a lot of fun. It was a great concert. For the first time in a while all I did was focus on the music and the fun. 

I've been kind of disconnected from me. I haven't heard from April. I miss her. I have been unable to get back at it. 
I feel like there is a hole in my heart. I feel disconnected from my life. I'm not even sure of what I want. I'm unsure of my next step. I'm forcing myself to get back to normal for me. I forcing myself to connect with friends again. I'm forcing myself to walk again. I feel numb. I just want, well that's just it I don't know. I'd love to just have the time to be alone for about 4 or 5 days and just think, read some books, work on my story, and even nothing at all. I know this isn't possible but it is would be nice. 

So today I'm writing again. I'm going to work on everything that needs to be caught up on. Then tomorrow I'll get up and go at it again.

To see where my journey began read:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html 

http://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

htpp://www.Twitter.com/Change2Healthy

The Virus!

The past two months have been rough. In fact, they have been down right terrible. Sadly, I went back to my dark place. Well no that isn't correct. I became so over whelmed with everything that, I went backwards instead of forward. Literally.

Starting around the end of April I realized I was turning 40 on June 25th. 40! Really? 40? I'm sitting on my couch and still have no job. 40? I can't wrap my head around this fact. 40...............
Later that day I was at a food bank again. As I was waiting in line the fact that I was turning 40 starts going through my head. This only frustrated me. I tried not to think about it but it was all I could think about.  I never had a problem with any birthday but this one has given me fits!

The fact that I still had no job and forty was approaching made it feel so final. In mind it was like, If you don't get a job by your fortieth then it will never happen. I re applied for everything again. I submitted resume to places that were hiring and to places that were not hiring. The job thing wasn't happening. Basically it was like I was getting doors slammed into my face. Yet again.

During this time I was living off food from food banks. I'm very grateful for food from food banks. I am. However, the pasta, instant mashed potatoes, roman noodles, sweets, and sodas I was receiving from the food banks wasn't helping me in the long run. It was affecting my health. It affected my total health. Physically it caused weight gain and my body to swell up. This added pain to my body. My legs are so tight and in a lot of pain before I try to move around. This added stomach problems and pain. I've started to get major headaches too. These headaches would feel like I was being stabbed in the back of my head all the way to my toes.
This also effected my emotional and mental health too. I started to feel like a failure again. I felt like I had let myself and others down again. Why? Because I was gaining weight back not losing still. This lead to depression. I was so upset. I was heart and still am heartbroken over this fact.
Then my anxiety started kicking in again. I didn't want to go look for more work. Why not? Because I could handle the rejection. I couldn't handle the look of distain from another person. I couldn't handle the comments any more from people. Not just people doing the interviews but also from people on the bus. Also from people who scream horrible names about how fat I am as I am walking. I couldn't handle another person coming up to me in the store telling me how I needed to lose weight. I was extremely over weight. Then telling me everything I was doing wrong. All of these things were going through my head and leading to panic attacks where I couldn't get out the door. Yes you read that right. I couldn't leave my house. I would tell people I was fine but I wasn't. I would tell people I was just sick. This kept getting worse. I was now to the point where I didn't even want to leave the house to take a walk. I dreaded having to leave m house. I dreaded having to have social contact with anyone. This was a cycle I was stuck in it. This cycle just kept getting worse.

I was stuck in a funk cycle. I started pulling away from seeing my friends. I started pulling away from social activities. I wasn't returning phone calls. This just kept building. I was having a lot of panic attacks. I had one trying to clean my kitchen.

I kept remembering all the failures and mistakes in my life. I kept remembering everything I did wrong. I was remembering things from when I was a kid even. I felt horrible. I felt worthless. It was as if someone was taken over the thought process in my head. I'm not crazy. Let me explain what I mean. It was like my brain was a computer and it had a virus that started slowing it down. This virus slowly ate away all the healthy programs and replaced them with sick/negative programs. Then the virus that was sent took over completely and the owner no longer had any control over what was happening.

I hated the virus that was in my head. I also know the virus as the devil. He really knows how to bring me down. He reminds me of all my mistakes. Everyone of them. He reminds me I'm a failure. He builds on that by saying no one will hire you because you're a failure. No one will hiring you because of you're extremely over weight. The devil reminds you of all the problems you've caused people because of your failures and panic attacks. He loves to remind you of all of this. Why because the devil wants you to stay in the horrid funk cycle. Why? Because when you're in the funk cycle you can't achieve anything.

Thankfully I began to realize something.......

The great news here is everything that the devil loves reminding me of, I've already been forgiven. God has forgiven me. He doesn't throw it in my face. With God it is gone. God doesn't look back. Then why can the devil remind me so easily of my failures? I thought long and hard about this one. I believe for me it is because I haven't forgiven myself. Why is it easier to forgive others but not myself? This must be something I work on really hard. Because I believe until I do the devil/virus will always be able to throw stumbling blocks that trip me up on my journey.

The first of June I received some helped with the food situation. I was able to get healthier food in my house. Within a few days I noticed the difference in how well I felt. I was finally able to think clearer and positively. This allowed me to handle the stress of normal daily activities. I began to push hard for a job. I made a plan. I was excited about this plan. I shared this plan with my friends and Facebook. Here is a copy of that post-

To all my Family & Friends I have come to a Decision! A major decsion!
1- All this weekend I'm still applying online for jobs here in AR!
2- I will also conti...nue to hit it hard here for Job all week.
3- I will also begin applying online for Jobs in Florida. Walt Disney World, Universal Studios, Sea World, etc......... I'd even work as a toll collector if I could get there.
4- Finishing making my props for VBS Activities! Getting everything set up!
5- Finish getting all the lesson plans for the next unit finished!
6- If I don't get a job by Wednesday June 15, 2016, I'm going to allow my friend to buy my Greyhound bus ticket to FL. (She offered.)
Need three week advance purchased to leave on July 6th for FL.
7- I'll continue doing all the online job applications for FL & researching for when I'm there.
I'll arrange a place to stay & stay lining up interviews for the time I'm in Florida.
I'll give it until August 6th. If nothing by then I'll come back to AR. I'll know I'm meant to do the third option pointed out to me. (I don't want this option but will know I've given it all I've got.)

Now I'm asking for prayers that this plan works out the way God wants. Please pray that God's way has the doors swing open wide! I have no choice but that one.
Thank you! Thank You!

BAM!!!!!!!!!!! I was hit hard with people's response from the above post. WOW! In forty-five minutes I had five phones from people telling me how wrong I was for making this plan. I was turning my back on everyone. I was just running away from everything. I was terrible for wanting to relocate. I was terrible for trying to improve my life. This surprised me but it shouldn't have. Anytime someone finds a way to get out of the negative, improve their lives and move on to the positive, many will try to tear you down. Why? To keep you on their level because they're not ready for the change themselves. (Sadly, I've been like this in my past.) Here is my reply post on Facebook trying to clear  things up.

Clarification on my last post.
I've gotten multiple calls.
Apparently my last post as caused a lot of concussion & an uproar. So to help calm things down I'm going to try to explain things!
I'm running into dead end, closed doors everywhere I try in Arkansas. I'm trying hard! Every hospital, office job, department store, retail store, dollar store, grocery store, fast food, hotel & anything else I try in this town is coming up with a slammed door in my face.
I gave myself an option of trying for a job in FL near WDW in an area I love!
If within three weeks I've not found a job then I'm coming back to AR & try for the third option. I don't want the third option at all!
(My Dr. & counselor have suggested I try for SSI b/c employers won't hire due to weight & my anxiety & panic attacks are getting in the way. )
I don't want this option b/c I don't feel I'm unable to work. I just can't get a company to hire me.
Then why try the FL route?
Simple WDW hired me before at this huge size. I have a great history with them. If I can get hired there then great! I can then start saving money & find a safe yet affordable place near work & get set up. Which this process isn't happening over night. It would take months. I mean months. I'm aware of that. I would send money to help care for my cats & help out w/ other things.
There is nothing here for me. But I would never just leave someone.
I would also make sure that everyone got to see family first before the final relocation move.
I'm the only one going right away. It would take a while for my cats or anyone's else to be able to move/relocate to FL.
I'm not turning my back on people nor trying to force this change on anyone.

This is still my over all plan. The details might change along the way but this is my plan. If God wants me to have a job here, He'll swing open the door so wide I can walk through it. If God wants it in Florida He'll continue to close everything here and open the doors wide for the route.

I was also able to get back on the FFN program. I'm beginning the detox. I'm going to get back to where I should be. I've learned how important it is to put the correct food in my body. It affects every part of my health.

I've gotten up from the ground again and I'm still going on this journey of change.

May So Far!

May 2nd
Good Morning!
I hope you all have a day full of activity, lots of Positive thoughts, and postive progress!
Time for me to make my breakfast.
A Body FX Chocolate & peanut butter shake.

May 3rd
Good Morning!
My healthy breakfast done!
Stretching done!
Have my list finished.
Now I'm going to catch the 12 o clock round bus & go to WM for Judi.
Then come home & make her a great lunch!
I hope you all have a Blessed & Magical Day!

May 4th
I posted this on Instagram!

@dannywoodofficial your #LivingHealthy often inspires me to get up & get in an extra workout or walk in.
After this in 2012 I basically stopped letting my picture be taken. There few, very few until this past year.
So far lost 108 inches from head to toe & 43 pounds. Keep #livinghealthy

May 6, 2016
Good Morning! My Xanolean taken! Drinking my first 16 oz of water. I'm sitting here thinking about my day.
I'm very grateful for FirstFitness Nutrition b/c on a day like today, I want to crawl back in bed. Yesterday I added a huge set of stairs to my walk. I was only able to do 20 steps & I had to just go back down. My knees aren't happy with me.
If I didn't have the FFN program now as a pattern of my life I'd just skip breakfast & crawl back into bed. I can't do that. Breakfast is so important. Without it my entire day is thrown off. It is so important to start the day off right.
I leave you now in order to make my breakfast.
You All Have A Blessed & Magical Day!

May 10

Time to take a walk!
Got some very motivating music ready to go!

May 9th
Me after day one of Barry's Booty Camp DVD.
I've been on my Journey of change breaking Free from the chains of panic attacks & weight! I started at 470 & now I'm at 430 & gotten rid of 108" from head to toe.
I'm adding this to my daily routine of walking & Richard Simmons DVDs.
I'm feeling the workout! Afterwards I thought I'd pass out! But within 15 minutes later I feel like I have tons of energy!
Thanks @barrysbootcamp  for the workout. Thanks @harley.rodriguez  for encouraging me to check out the DVDs. The next chapter begins.

May 10

Good Morning!
I have been out & about all day! ( I know it's only 10:35 am) but feels like all day.
Started my day off right.
I had a Body FX Vanilla Shake. Then drank 20 oz of Water.
Then ran errands w/ my mom & Judi. Got mom & Judi breakfast @ McD. (I Know) I was good & got a drink. Unsweet tea w/ just a 1/4 of Sweet. (I know I made it)
Then when got home I drank 32oz glass of water. :-) :-)
Whoo!

May 10
As far as staying on my food plan today has been a great day.
132 oz. ( I have a 20 oz of water now for dinner.)
Breakfast was Body FX vanilla shake & an apple split w/ Judi.
Lunch was a tomatoev& 4 strips of chicken breast. Not breaded & it was baked.
Snack w/ class @ Church one all beef hot dog no bun. Three bites of cake w/ no frosting. (I know this wasn't good)
Dinner a huge salad with spinach, roamine lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms with a 3tbsp of lite zesty Italian dressing.
Tomorrow I will do better. :-) :-)


May 11 Today was a low day
I need ya'll to forgive me in advance for this post. I don't like it when people get all dramatic on here & I'm afraid that this post might be a little dramatic. I don't mean for it to be that way.
Please just pray for me. Thank you. I need it.
I know God is in Control! I believe that 100%!
Right now I'm just in a dark place. I'm so tired of being rejected for jobs. I was totally blown off by a company. They keep telling me the drug test hasn't come back. Yet people who applied after me have been hired.
I've turned in my application to many places that I can walk to & from & nothing. I hate the look of distain people give me during interviews.

Right now I'm eating b/c of food banks in town & my church's food bank. I'm grateful! I have a roof over my head b/c Judi needs someone to take care of her. I'm grateful! I have someone sponsoring/paying for my FFN. I'm grateful!
As far as needs beyond food I keep borrowing from friends. Who are starting to make comments like I've paid for everything before I'll just keep paying. I'm grateful that do help but they shouldn't have to help me.
I am very grateful! Very grateful! It's just my self confidence is almost gone. I'm doing nothing towards supporting my self. I feel like the people everyone complains about not working.

Someone suggested I go on disability. Umm I'm not disabled. I'm extremely overweight. I also have aniexty with panic attacks. I'm not disabled. I want to work. I want to help myself. I have no reason to go on disability. I have a mind that works supper well. I'm blessed to be able to walk, move, lift or anything needed to do the jobs.

I need prayers! I need something to give quickly. I need a job I can get to & from without a ride. I need a job that I'm off in time on Wednesday night that I can still work/teach my kids on Wednesday nights. I'm not asking a lot. I just need to make $600 a month take home pay to make it. I can make payments to student loans, medical bills & other debt. Buy my food & necessities.
Please pray God will Bless Me with this soon. I feel like I'm flat on my face again. Pray that God gives me the strength to get up & keep going. Please. Thank you.

April 26, 2016

April 26, 2016,

Hi! I’m sitting here writing this blog as I listen to Disney music. If you know me, you know this is one of my favorite kinds of music. (I have a wide variety of music I enjoy.) I’m sitting here thinking of all the many different goals I have & I am trying to achieve. Let’s face it we all have so many goals. In recent years, I have been actively working towards achieving these goals. I have discovered the more I work towards achieving goals the bigger my goals become. This is a great fact. However, it also has to be a goal you can achieve. I can picture some of you thinking “Isn’t that the point of goals?” You would be correct. Let me explain. The one goal that hasn’t changed for me since 2014 is, to become a healthier person. For me, this means mind, body and soul. I even named it the- Journey of Change-Breaking Free from the Chains of Panic Attacks & Weight. I’ve written about the journey in this Blog. If you have been with me on this journey you know it has taken many different turns. Some of these turns have been wonderful and some have not been so great. However, they’ve all been a learning experience that has helped me grow. Today, I’m sharing things that have been on my mind. I’ve had a lot on my mind.

CHANGES!
If you have read any of my blogs since November 2015, you know I have had a goal of reaching the weight of 350lbs & a size 4X in pants by my 40^th birthday on June 25^th. I’ve been working hard for this goal. The reward for achieving this goal was going to be a huge 80’s/90’s Block Party. (Basically a NKOTB 40^th birthday bash.) I was going to throw this myself. However, things have changed. Why? Lack of funds & none of my family or friends in this state like NKOTB. I’m not sure anyone would show up. Plus, I really don’t have the money. I’m not quitting on the goal. I’m still working towards it daily. I’m going to have an online Block party with several of the Block Heads I’ve become friends with. I have friends internationally so it really will be a Block Party. I’m hoping to come up with enough to buy me a new outfit. I’d like to get my nieces together and let them give me a makeover. I’d like to take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Of course this new outfit will have red in it. That’s my favorite color. I’m going to bring a small cake to the class I teach on Wednesday nights. I have fallen in love these kids. I may not have any of my own but I’m honored that their parents let me call them “My Kids”. We will do something fun on that night. (Well a night close to June 25^th.) Maybe even a bit Disney themed too. (I do love Disney!)

If you’ve read this blog you also know that another goal of mine has to been to take a NKOTB cruise since 2013. Yes, I still want to take this cruise but it is no longer on the horizon for me and that is alright. I’m serious, it is alright. (All of my BH friends mouths just hit the floor.) Here’s why it is alright:

You all know how much I love Disney. You all also know how much I love my nieces. I’m a cool aunt. (Ask my nieces and they’ll tell you.) One of the reasons I started to lose weight and become healthier is, I wanted to become more active in their lives. I wanted to live to see them grow up and have lives of their own. Well I have a niece who is graduating in 2017. Her sister will graduate in 2018. This is just from my sister’s family. I have an adopted niece graduating in 2017. (Friends daughter) I have a little brother graduating this year. I have kids that I teach graduating in 2017. (2017 will be a very busy year!) My oldest niece told me two years ago how she wanted to go to Walt Disney World for her graduation gift in 2017. Her sister, said me too in 2018. (Girls after my own heart.) Well I can’t afford to help with two trips in a row.

Also my dear friend’s daughter graduates in 2017. Several years ago, I agreed to go with them in 2017. I would be their driver. (It is cheaper to drive. My friend is legally blind and can’t drive.) A few months ago it dawned on me, this was the same time my niece was graduating. (Aunt problems.) Then there is another niece graduating right behind her. I love these girls! I love being with them. I love that all three of these girls have never been embarrassed to be around me due to my huge size. For me being with them celebrating their graduations is more important than a NKOTB Cruise. So I am happily letting the cruise goal be replaced with helping my nieces get to experience Walt Disney World with me as their graduation gift.

I have been planning on how to do this graduation gift for several weeks. I have been pricing & exploring every option out there. I will figure out a way to make this happen for them. I have faith that this will happen. I’m going in 2017 with my friend as promised. In 2018, I’m going to celebrate two nieces college graduations.

Changing to this goal will also be rewarding for me in another way. Yes, I have been to WDW many times. I haven’t been able to do everything. Why? My size! There are many experiences that I have never been able to do because I haven’t been able to fit on the rides. (Shameful but true.) I have never been on Rockin’ Roller Coaster due to my size. I haven’t ridden Space Mountain since I was 15 due to my size. I can’t ride Kali River Rapids due to my size either. I can keep going but I won’t. I think you get the picture. When I take these trips in 2017 it will be like going to WDW for the first time because I can do it all. I will achieve this goal. I want to go to WDW without renting a scooter either. (That is expensive and shameful that I had to do it.)

Making it more NKOTB of a Goal!

There is also a Wahlburgers in Orlando. My friend’s daughter is a Block Head! (Yes I made her a BH) My best friend, Sandra lives near Orlando and is a BH. In 2017 the three of us can enjoy Wahlburgers together. Plus, my sister oldest loves Blue Bloods! In 2018 Sandra, my niece and I will enjoy Wahlburgers together! It will add a bit of NKOTB to the reward.

For me, this goal is about experiencing firsts! When you put it with people I love it is PERFECT!!!!!!!

Now the same rules apply- If I don’t reach the target goals- I Don’t Go! I’ll send everyone else.

I have decided to make a group page on Facebook for this new goal. It will be connected with my Facebook change2healthy account. It will also go with my blog. I’m going to talk about working towards this goal. I’ll talk about all aspects involved in achieving this goal. I’ll talk about the weight loss, the exercise, the planning and everything it takes to achieve this goal. The name of this group page is Breaking Free to Enjoy ALL of WDW in 2017. I’d love for you to come along with me on this journey. Check out the group page here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1602542820066378/
I wish you all A Blessed & Magical Day!

If you’d like to see where I began my Journey
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
You can also follow my other accounts that go with this blog.
Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy