Please bear with this blog it starts out negative but gets better.
I have had tunnel vision for two things lately. I haven’t written on here in a while. I’ve been inspired on how to write things for my story. So I’ll start working on it and then look up and it is several hours later. If it isn’t the story then I’ve been making lesson plans for the youth group I work with. Again I’ll start and hours go by without me noticing it. I also think working on these things helps me not think about what is going on in my life. If you’ve read my blog before you know I don’t handle stress or change very well. There’s a lot of it lately!!!!!!!!!
My dad has become disabled. He is now
unable to work at all. Now I’m watching him and my mom struggle emotionally and
financially. Due to dad not working they’re down to one person income. Plus my
dad’s medicine isn’t covered by insurance. They are fighting to get it covered
but it isn’t so instead of paying bills they buy his $1,400 a month medicine.
As their daughter it breaks my heart that I can’t just fix this for them. I don’t
have it to give to them. It also breaks my heart to see my dad’s health
decline.
I’m also watching my roommate’s health
decline more lately. She recently had to fill out paperwork with the hospital about
how she wanted things to go for her medically. This was hard for me to witness.
It has caused me a lot of concern. My roommate’s daughter is battling the same
thing and isn’t getting better. My roommate just found out that her mother has
cancer. My heart breaks for this family.
I work one day a week caring for an 85
year old lady whose health is also declining daily. I love this lady too.
Lately all I see is people dealing with
people who realize how close death is for them. It does make you think. It also
can make your heart really sad. Thoughts about not having them with me. Then I
go into over drive and try to find a way to improve all of their lives. This can
cause a lot more stress to the situation. I’ve done a lot of WHY???? I’ve realized
this is a waste of time.
I really have gotten very depressed
lately. I had to fake being positive because it wasn’t really what I was
feeling. I was over whelmed by the cost of the extra medical things everyone
needed. I had to borrow money from someone. I hated that. I also might have to
ask to borrow again. I’ve been filling out applications online daily. I’ve been
trying to find a job that allows me to work more than one day a week. I get
called for interviews but when they see me in person they always tell me things
like “I don’t think you could keep up.” “Umm I’m not sure you’d fit in here.” This only adds to my depression. I know I’m extremely
over weight but I’m working on it. I’m becoming a healthier person. I need a
job in the meantime. This was the cycle I was stuck in. URR! I’ve taken to just
getting tunnel vision for things that I can control like my writing.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend who
said “Sometimes I wish we had trophies for the little victories.” It got me to
thinking. There really is a lot of little victories daily! We must allow
ourselves to see them. When we do we see so many victories.
Victories for me are there.
1-I’m still alive. This means I have
another chance to go for it. I have another chance to make this day better. I
have another chance to go for my dreams. I have another chance to tell people I
love them. I have another chance to make people smile. I have another chance to
become a good daughter. I have another chance to become a better friend. I have
another chance to work on getting out of debt. I have another chance at finding
another job. I have another chance at losing this weight. I have another chance
to make the youth group grow. I have another chance at writing in my story. I
have another chance to have a positive impact on someone else life. I have
another chance to…………………..WOW! I’m Still Alive is a great victory.
2-I have decided I’m not going to quit. I
was given a graduation card that the person wrote me a message. They told me I had
the gift of not quitting no matter how long it took me to achieve the goal. [It
took me a LONG time to get my associates degree.] I didn’t understand how
important that is till now. No matter how you fail get up and go again. I’m blessed
to go again.
3-I have people here with now that are
still alive. I can make memories with them. My roommate struggles on a daily
bases. She isn’t able to even get out of the house much. Sometimes months go by
with her no able to get out. Yet she has one of the most positive attitudes of
anyone I know. She is laughing as she struggles. That is a blessing to witness.
I’m even more blessed because she is determined I’m going to achieve my goals.
4-I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m walking
better than 3 years ago. I’m healthier than I was 3 years ago. I have more confidence
than I was 3 years ago.
I have many more victories in my life that
happen daily. My new goal is to search them out and embrace them. I’ve also got
a goal of writing a blog at least once a week. I did better when I did that.
To see where I began this journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.htmlFacebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy