Breaking free from chains of panic and weight: 2014

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Words

Power of a Word

Words are very powerful. Word can inspire, move, motivate, and encourage us. Word can also hurt, teardown, destroy and bring us down. Words are something we all have the ability to use. Words express what we feel. Words express our thoughts. I’ve been thinking a lot about words lately. As you all know, I’m writing a story. I’m also writing this blog. I also teach a youth class where I plan lesson plans and chose my words carefully.

This past Wednesday I thought a lot about words because someone replied to my Facebook Status and used two words that tore at me. These two words hurt me because of a negative history I have with these two words. “Flip Out” I hate these two words.

Last Wednesday I was working on lesson plans I had used and was going to use for this year. I had them all organized. I also had them saved on my laptop. I deleted one picture and lost the entire file. [I didn’t realize this had happened and I deleted my recycle bin.] Later when I went to pull up the Lesson plans they were gone. I wasn’t a happy person. I looked everywhere for them. I was starting to panic a bit because in less than an hour I was going to using one of those lessons for my youth class. I had no lessons to use. NONE! Everything was gone. A year’s work was gone. The beginning prep for next year’s lessons was also gone. I got a little more panicked. I was going to face a classroom of youth with no lesson. [I wrote it out so I wouldn’t have to remember.] I was panicked. I was upset.

I posted this on Facebook.

“I can't breathe right now. URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I had my Wednesday night Youth Lessons that I had on my computer. The lessons for the entire year. The lessons plans I made, the workbooks, I made the bulletin board ideas and plans, notes about what worked this year & what didn't. Game ideas. Activity ideas. I had started planning for the next year. It is all GONE! GONE!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I deleted several pictures & files. [Other things I didn’t need] I then deleted the recycle file.
WELL NOW I CAN’T FIND MY LESSON PLANS!
I’ve lost everything. I had just organized & now I lost everything! Everything!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I lost tonight’s lesson too!!!!!!!!!! I’m winging it tonight!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I’m trying to calm down. I’m shaking and can’t breathe very well right now.

I’ve deleted the comment that upset me because it said “Before you flip out…” [I don’t want people to know who sent me this comment.]

I have panic attacks. I have anxiety issues. I do not flip out. I hate that people use this word to describe someone having a panic attack. I hate when they me or anyone else having a panic attack-“Don’t flip out” or “Calm down before you flip out”. I don’t flip out. I have panic attacks. There is a difference.

I think the term “flip out” is not appropriate to describe a panic attack. 1-I do not do a front flip, a back flip, or any kind of a flip when I’m having a panic attack. 2- “Flip out” has a negative condemnation associated with it-implies that you’re crazy. [I’m not]

I have heard the words “flipping out” or “Marie has flipped out again” or “whatever you do don’t flip out” or “Just breathe before you flip out” all my life. I hate the words “flip out” because it is not what I do. I have panic attacks. I have moments where I feel like the word is crushing me to death. I’m consumed by dread and fear. I can’t focus and I struggle breathing. My heart feels like it is beating so fast it will pop out of my chest. My hands are sweaty and I’m short of breath. I sometimes have to fight the urge just to run off and hide. However, I am not flipping out.

I ask that before you tell someone who is having a panic attack to not flip out to think about how insulting those words are and how you’re making it worse. Please try to use other words. I have a friend who refocuses my brain. She points out I am safe. She has me look around the room to realize I am safe. She slowly refocuses my brain. She changes my thought process. Try doing this next time you encounter someone having a panic attack. But please don’t treat them like they’re flipping out.

To see where my journey began read my first blog: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

To follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Untitled

No Tittle

I know I haven’t written on here in a while. Ok it’s been a long while. Things in my life have gotten upside down. [I know that is weird but that is the only way to describe it right now.]
Since August I’ve been sick. I do not know what it is but I’ve been sick. I’ve kept a fever between 99 and 101. I’ve been weak and dizzy. First doctor said it was upper respiratory infection. Two weeks later told me it was pneumonia. I was given a total of three rounds of antibiotic and steroids. I was still with whatever this is in the end of September. I followed doctor’s orders. I rested. I didn’t work out. I didn’t do my long walks. I stayed away from people due to the fever. I followed the orders and didn’t make any improvements. In fact all the medicine did for me was make me hold water and gain weight back. I gained a lot of weight back. This led to feeling depressed. I worked hard to get rid of the weight and it came back so easily on this medicine. I felt like I failed again. [If you’ve ever battled weight you know the feeling I’m talking about.] I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down because of this weight coming back. This caused me to just stop talking or writing about it. I couldn’t handle telling people I had yet again failed and gained weight back.
While this was going on I was still dealing with the no job or even the temp jobs. The no money issue keeps playing in my head over and over. This thought stresses me out. It also adds to my anxiety level. [This isn’t a good thing for anyone but for me it makes life even harder for me to face. When my anxiety goes up I start fearing I’ll have a panic attack. I also get even more afraid to face people or leave my house. [Horrid cycle]
The money and no job issue are heavier right now on my mind. If it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay with her I’d be homeless right now. I have no home. If my friend didn’t need someone to help her a little around the house I don’t know where I’d be sleeping. That is a scary fact to know about yourself. I’ve become a person who is grateful and ashamed. I’m grateful for help and ashamed for it. When you have to stand in food bank lines repeated in order to make sure you eat, one can get ashamed. When you have to keep asking your church to use their food bank it can make you feel ashamed. I felt so terrible that I didn’t have a job. I felt terrible that I had skills to do the jobs but was over looked many times due to my weight/size. I felt terrible that friends had to keep helping me out. I felt terrible because I had nothing to contribute/help anyone. I felt terrible……….. You can see where this cycle goes.
I was struggling and couldn’t get the words to come out every time I tried to do a blog posting. I felt like why write when there is nothing good. You are failing at your goals. Your nerves are getting the best of you again. Why share that? The only thing I’ve been able to write was in my story.
On October 16^th I started a part time job. I work 13 to 18 hours a week. It is a lot of new rules and procures to learn. I’ve worked three days so far. I want to continue to work. It gives me a start back to getting some debts gone and food in the house regularly. [A small start but a start back.]

Tonight as I write this I find myself shaking and crying. I feel very alone and isolated still. I still worry about climbing out of this whole of debt. I still worry about the fact I’ve gained weight back from medicine. I worry will that weight come off again. I fear I’ve let everyone down. I hate that I’ve failed again. I fear that this shaking won’t stop any time soon. I’m afraid that this panic will keep rising and tonight will be a long night. I’m that panic will still be there in the morning. I need to work in the morning. I wish I could just stop panicking.

Tonight is not a good one. I’m afraid the panic is winning tonight.

To see where I began this journey: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me on Twitter-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m on Facebook too- https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Journey

I started writing this blog a year ago. I was encouraged to write about my experience and journey by family and friends. They kept continually telling me to do this. I finally gave in and started writing this blog. Now this blog doesn’t have very many readers. It doesn’t have many people who comment on it either. However, my friends and family were right it did help someone-me. It has been nice to go back and read the blog and discover the changes in myself both physically and emotional.

I am physically smaller but it is so much more than that. I have lost from head to toe 77 ½”. That changes ones view of them self. It has changed mine. I have lost 50 pounds too. I know 50 isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things. [I have a lot more to lose.] I have gained energy and mobility. When I started walking was hard and hurt. I like to walk now. I find it to be relaxing and enjoyable. When I started I couldn’t even do three songs on an exercise DVD. I can do the whole DVD now. I feel energized and happier when I work out. I never knew that working out would help me be feel happier but it does. I’ve physically gained so much this year.
I have gained confidence. I’ve always lacked confidence in myself. I’m gaining more confidence every day. This was something I never planned on gaining. I like having confidence because it helps when you are living your life and facing so many of your fears and past head on. Having confidence in myself and my abilities gives me the push within to keep going. I’ve built my confidence up to the point I’ve even gone after jobs that I wouldn’t have in the past.
Gaining confidence has awoken up my passion for writing and performing again. I’m doing something I have always wanted to do and I am writing a story. I have enjoyed this creative process of developing characters and plots. I enjoy this writing and look forward to finishing this story. I’m hopeful that it will be published. I’ve also written a Christmas play that my church will be putting on this year. [I’m blessed that it is being used.] I’ve started performing at church more. Being able to express myself creativity is a gift that I’m grateful and blessed to be able to enjoy.
When I think back on where I began this journey to where I am now and I say WOW! People have asked me-So this means you no longer have panic attacks? No I’ll always have them but I’m continuing to find a way to live my life with them. I don’t hide them anymore. I’m not ashamed of who I am any more. I accept I have them and now I LIVE with them.
To see where my journey began read my first blog:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow my journey on Twitter- https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m also on Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Please Don't Quit!

Please Never Quit!

As someone who has tried to kill herself twice and as recent as of last year I was begging God to take me home because I was nothing to anyone here on earth, this is a blog posting that really is personal. As many of you already know I was in an extremely dark place. I felt like I was nothing. I felt like someone that could be thrown away. I was depressed. I was breathing but wasn’t alive. I was waiting for death. I was seeking it out because I wanted the heartache and misery to go away. The first time I tried to kill myself I was in the 6^th grade. The second time I was in the 7^th grade and had learned a lot from the first attempt. I was more determined and serious.
I understand the desperate feeling of wanting all the pain I felt on the inside to go away. I still find it hard to express just how desperate, alone, scared, confused, lonely, isolated, miserable, depressed, panicked, and I could keep going and never explain it enough to make someone who hasn’t been there understand. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. [I still struggle with that.] I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone of any use. I felt trapped. I felt like a prisoner. I felt like wherever I looked there was nothing but darkness wrapping itself around me. The darkness was wrapping itself around my hands and legs. It was chaining me to the spot I was at, like the prisoner I was. I felt like a freak because I couldn’t do anything without being afraid. I had so many panic attacks. I was nothing like anyone else I knew. [Yet with everything I just said I can never explain how horrid I truly felt.] To get a better understanding of where I was read my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
I’d like to say that when I was 13 and decided to not quit that my life got better. It took YEARS! I mean YEARS! I am 38 years old and finally believe I’m worth something. I finally am starting to like myself. I’m finally starting to make my life. I still have moments where the darkness and negativity tries to come out and take over again. It is something that will always be there. I know this. I have known new ways of facing my problems head on.
If you are struggle with feelings of hopelessness and wanting to take your own life please I beg of you don’t. There is light around the corner. This corner may take years of traveling to find. I promise there is light. Never quit! I understand that right now all you see is darkness and pain. Let someone else point out other things for you. Let someone else tell you how wonderful you are. PLEASE! I beg of you. If I had killed myself I wouldn’t be here writing this blog posting. Reach out your hand to someone and let them help you find the light.
Here is the National Suicide Prevention Website:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Here is their number- 1800-273-8255 – 1-800-273-TALK
Reach out to someone who can help you.
If you know someone who needs help please don’t walk away from them. Please reach out and take their hand.
Now I sit here writing this blog thinking about all the things I would have missed if I had killed myself at 13 in the 7^th grade and again as an adult.
If someone hadn’t intervened I’d never seen:

1-I would have missed my siblings growing up into wonderful people. I have three beautiful nieces from my sister. I have a niece and nephew from my brother. I am very blessed to be their aunt.

2-I would have missed out on the moments of joy with my best friend since I was seven years old.

3-I would have never met Judi who has become one of my treasured friends. She helped convince me I was smart enough to go to college. Then she helped me every step of the way.

4-I would have missed out on doing the Disney College Program and then becoming a Campus Rep for the program.

5-I would have missed meeting Nikki and becoming friends and Disney Travel Buddies. I would have never had these magical memories I have now.

6-I would have never seen my mom bless so many through the work she does with homeless teenagers in our town.

7-I would have never enjoyed the joy of chasing down my dream of being a writer. I love this journey.

I’m going to finish this blog with something I post on Twitter a lot. I talk a lot about being positive and helping someone out. It can be as simple as a smile. Trust me when I say a Smile can make someone’s day. It could go much deeper and have a huge impact on someone’s life. Please take the second it takes to smile and give a smile to everyone you cross paths with. You’ll be amazed at how this blesses your life in a positive way as well.
If you’d like to follow me on Twitter where I post about my Journey of Change
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Battle with My Old Self

The Battle with My Old Self

As much as I have been changing my life and becoming a positive person I must confess for three weeks now I have been battling my old self. You know the old me filled with self-doubt, self-hate, negative, letting fears win, and the list of bad stuff goes on and on………….
It all started when I received a Direct Message [DM] on my Journey of Change Twitter account. It was from someone I knew. This person sent me an eleven part message telling me how they wished I would quit kidding myself and quit writing about my so called journey of change. They told me they couldn’t see any change in me. Couldn’t see where I had lost any weight or had even changed into a more positive person. This person went on to express their wish for me not to blog anymore. They knew I’d never reach my weight loss reward or go on the cruise. They also wished I’d stop sharing about a story I’m writing because it was never going to happen. There was a lot more that this person told me but I’m not sharing it.
I sat there reading this message and I read it several times. I was not happy. My feelings were hurt and I would say even crushed. I have known this person for a long time. I thought they were a friend. I was just stunned at this message. I spent several days reading this message over and over again. I started letting the old me take over. I started to feel like the things that were in that DM. So I didn’t blog anymore. I was battling my old self very bad. Then I tried to talk about this with some other friends and they dismissed me or told me to just get over it. They didn’t even listen to me. The old self really took over then. I began to think maybe the stuff in the DM was right. Maybe I was kidding myself. I was beginning to feel like nothing again. I went back to my old ways. Then I started thinking what if my family feels the same way? How many more of my friends feel this way? I began to retreat from everyone again. I started reading over my story. I began to doubt it. I was letting my old self come out in full force. I even gave in and began letting myself emotional eat. I was embracing my old self with open arms. I took down all my motivation posters and goal posters in my room. Then I started having problems again in other areas of my life. I started closing myself off again. I started not wanting to be social. My nerves were out of control and I was now too afraid of having a panic attack that I didn’t leave my house even to take a walk. I was truly being my old self.
I was reading the story I wrote and my female lead has panic attacks and was answering the question-“Aren’t you afraid of having a panic attack and falling on your face?” She answered-“Yes but if I thought about that I’d never have a life.” My own words were getting through to me. I felt like I was kicking myself in the butt and I needed it. I read my blog from the beginning and realized I hated my old self because it was a person with no life. Nothing to show for myself. I remembered why I started to doing the Journey of Change in the first place. I started fighting my old self. I blocked the person who sent me the DM on my Journey of Change account on Twitter. I made myself take a small walk. I realized I have to keep changing for the better. I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. I have to keep going. Yes I have made a lot of small and wonderful progress but hey it is progress-Positive Progress. Yes I have a long way to go. I know this is going to be a long, long journey but one that is worth taking. I have put my posters back up on the wall. I have refocused myself and I’m forgiving myself for letting my old self come back and be in control for a while. I got knock down but I’m up again and continuing my Journey of Change.
To see where my journey began-http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
My Journey of change Twitter Account-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
My Facebook Journey of Change account-https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Sunday, June 22, 2014

I Achieved a Goal!

I achieved a Goal! Yea!

The last few weeks of May and the entire month of June have proven to be very busy for me. This is a good thing. I have been very inspired in writing my story. This takes a lot of time but I love it. I also have been very busy in handle all the last minute details and packing of my vacation. I was out of town from June 8^th to the 19^th. Very Busy. I have a lot of good news to share with everyone.
As most of you know I have been busy working on getting myself in shape. I walk and work out a lot. I also am careful about what I eat and drink. I have made a lot of progress. I have lost a lot of inches. This is a great thing! I have wanted to build up my energy and stamina. I was able to see this improvement on this vacation.
I used to work at Walt Disney World [WDW] and have vacationed there a lot. I have never been able to do it without pain and fatigue setting in within the first 2 to 3 hours. [Even when I have been in a scooter.] Well this was not the case this trip. I had a scooter which I was parking a lot and walking around. I was able to keep up with my friend and her family that I was traveling with. I was very pleased to see these results. I wasn’t tired so quickly either. I also wasn’t in as much pain. [Yes by my last two days the pain was there but I was able to still enjoy myself.] This was a major boost for me to be able to do that.
THE GOAL I ACHEIEVED!
When I worked at WDW in 2004 they were building Expedition Everest. I was looking forward to experiencing it the next time I was at WDW. That didn’t happen because I didn’t fit on the ride. [I had to get off the ride. Talk about embarrassing.] I have done several internships and seasonal offers since then and was never able to ride this ride. I have also been there on vacation and had to skip the ride. Well this time I got the kids I was with on the ride and then I went to the exit to wait for them. I didn’t even try it. The cast member there talked to me and asked why I didn’t ride. I explained I couldn’t fit. He didn’t believe me. He said I know you can fit. He said he had seen people bigger than me ride and convinced me to try. I tried the seat outside the ride and it fit. I took the kids back on the ride because it was only a five minute wait. I was nervous the entire time. I was afraid I wouldn’t fit and have a terrible experience of not fitting and having people laugh at me as I got off the ride. I get there and I fit on the ride. It was a tight fit but a fit just the same. I was able to pull the lap bar down and it clicked. I was able to ride Expedition Everest! I cheered right there. The cast members asked if I was alright. I explained and they all high fived me. I rode the ride. I screamed my head off the entire time. It was awesome! I did that ride five times in a row that day! [I get to parks early.] I loved it! I had a great time! I achieved this goal. I have the picture of this ride on my wall as a goal and now it has been achieved. [I will be writing more about this ride on another blog.]
I was able to keep up with a 16 and 14 year old on this trip. I have always had trouble in this area. This gives me so much hope and encouragement for the goal of the 2015 NKOTB Cruise. It is my ultimate weight loss and journey of change reward.
To see where my journey began read my first blog posting: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
I’m on Twitter https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Inspired and Motivated

I have come to realize that writing a blog isn’t always easy. For me it is coming up with things I feel are worth writing about. I wonder if the people who read this blog are tired of hearing about the daily struggle I face to leave my house sometimes or the daily battle to continue on this journey of change and not go off course. This is an ongoing battle for me. I wonder do my readers care that I notice things about myself that can never be seen by anyone else but me. For me, there are a lot of new things happening in my life. However, others might never notice it.

For example I have so much more energy. I am able to do more in my daily life now without giving out and being extremely tired all the time. This is an awesome fact for me. I also have more confidence in myself. This is new to me. In my life there was only one thing I was ever confident about and that is my signing to music. Everything else I felt like I failed at or was terrible at doing. Now I have confidence in me. I’m realizing I can do things. I can do things people have told me I could never do. I can do things people have told me I should never dream about. These are just two things I have noticed about myself.
As dealing with my weight loss I have noticed so much about my body. I have been measuring inches along with the pounds. Well when you were 469 when you started let me tell you there are unfortunately a lot of rolls of fat. These areas can’t always be measured. Then I put my hands by my size and realized they were closer to my side. There wasn’t so much of me sticking out. A few days later I was trying to gather clothes up for a trip I’m being taken on. I really haven’t bought clothes for three years due to my weight and my money. All my clothes are now faded and stitched repaired to their last try. I have been giving clothes over the years that are tight are just plain too small. I have had them in a huge black garbage bag. This garbage bag was a constant reminder of things I would never be able to wear or enjoy. They were a constant reminder of the comments people made when I told them they weren’t big enough. “What do you mean they don’t fit?” “I bought the biggest thing I saw.” “I held it up and it looked huge so I thought you’d be able to wear them.” I hated looking at the bag of clothes. Well my roommate stored it for me in her room. I’m going through the house realizing I only have some faded knit pants and tops that are terrible. I also realized they were too big. They were beyond baggy. I started trying to piece together clothes and was able to use a shirt to cut to make other things work. At least all the holes are now fixed. [They don’t look pretty]
My roommate hollers at me to come and get the bag of clothes out of her room and go through them. I argued with her. I finally did it to shut her up. Well I now have four white polo shirts that fit me. They didn’t a year ago. I’m planning on trying to tie tie two of them because I ruin white colored clothes instantly. I realized that inches do make a difference. The weight might have slowed down but the inches were leaving me.
I wondered if my readers really cared about things like this. Do my readers want to hear about how my upper arms are becoming less flabby? I hope so because this is all I have to write about lately.
I have also been busy writing in my story. I love the writing process but lately I have been really inspired. I have a huge motivation to do more in my story as well. My roommate wants to read this story. She promised if I have it printed up as much as I have done for her she will read it while I’m on my trip. She is willing to help look for grammar mistakes as well. I’m nervous and excited about having her read this. I am re reading what I have written already and adding and even taking away some things. I am also trying to write more new stuff for the story. I have had friends complain because I’m lost in writing this story. They are right. I am inspired about writing it. I have had people complain on Twitter and Facebook that I’m ignoring them. I promise I’m not I’m just really inspired and motivated which, has me extra focused on my story right now.
I promise I’ll try to remember to be more social with people. I’ll try

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Socializing- I Hate Anxiety

Socializing- I Hate Anxiety

Socializing, this word brings me such stress. Yes stress. I hate and love socializing. There are times when I love it and times when I do not enjoy it at all. The past nine days I have had a lot of socializing.
Saturday May 10^th- I get a phone call from an old friend. I haven’t seen them in a long time. [Since 1995] He looked me up and decided to give me a call. We talked on the phone for a little while. Then he asked if he could take me to lunch. [Ok this is where I got nervous. Going out of my house to have lunch with someone, especially a guy, is something I just don’t do.] My mind started racing. My thoughts were very hard to catch or understand. The palms of my hands got all sweaty. I was instantly tense. I changed the subject. He brought up lunch again. I didn’t answer and finally said “If you want to do lunch you have to read my blog first. You also have to know up front I have gained a lot of weight since 1995.” He said “I don’t care about the weight and I’ll read your blog.”
I sent him the link to my very first blog posting and he read it while on the phone with me. He asked “Ok when are we having lunch?” I still stalled him on meeting up for lunch. He and I talked on the phone. [I say we talked but it was really him dragging information out of me. I was hardly talking.]
I was having this battle within myself. I was trying to calm down. I was trying to tell myself to just talk on the phone. Come on and talk to the guy. Then I looked around my room and saw one of motivation pictures on my wall. This led me to start to think clearer. I refocused my mind. I changed my thoughts. I started talking on the phone more. I then realized I wanted to push myself and try new things. I should just go for it. Then I realized I had no car or way to get there. I finally said lets meet for lunch. So we decided on Perkins.
I almost called and canceled this lunch multiple times. I was so nervous. I was doing several things I hate doing. A few minutes before he showed up I told my roommate that I couldn’t do this. She smiles at me and told me I had no choice. I look and his car is in the drive way. I took several deep breaths and went out to meet him. I don’t remember much about what we talked about in the car. I was too busy telling myself to breath and don’t let yourself shake. I kept gripping the door handle. [I’m so grateful it didn’t break.] We got to the restaurant and were seated. I made sure to sit where I could see as much of everyone coming and going. I hate being where people can be behind my back. There was only one table behind me and thankfully it was empty. We talked about people we knew back in the day. There were a few moments of the awkward silence but overall it was alright. Then our meal came and I was still a bit nervous but I was also relieved at how well I was doing. Then they sat a family at the table behind me. I didn’t seem to mind too much. Then near the end of the lunch I spilt my drink all over him and the floor. I tried to clean it up and split what was left of my dinner on me. [I was so embarrassed. Of course this kicked my nerves into high gear.] He was very nice about this. We left shortly after this. He brought me home. It was nice to reconnect with an old friend but I was so relieved it was over. I hate anxiety.
Sunday May 11^th- Mother’s day. I wasn’t going to go out to eat with my family on Mother’s day because of nerves and I couldn’t afford it. I was over ruled by my mother. [I bet no one can ever win an argument with their mom esp. on Mother’s day. They came and got me. We get to the restaurant and it is filled, I think it is over filled. We were packed like sardines. We finally got to the table and again I grabbed the seat at the end that had my back against the wall. [This restaurant was divided into sections. So there were people behind the wall and on the sides of me.] Everyone was having fun. So why was I struggling to keep up with the conversation? Why was I struggle to come up with something to say that would fit into the conversation at the table? [Try being the only nonparent adult at a table on Mother’s day.] Luckily my niece sat by me and we did have a nice conversation. I was able to just listen to her talk about her friends. I sat there making sure of everything I said while at this lunch. I have to be careful. I finally just stayed quiet at the end of the table unless someone talked to me. I don’t fit into my family. Again grateful my niece kept talking about her friends and movies she had seen. I was so tired by the time I got home. I had a headache. I hate anxiety.
Friday May 16^th- Very stressful day at work. I had planned on reading my beginning part of my story to the lady I care for. But only her. Reading it out loud to someone helps me be able to edit it better. Didn’t go as planned and I had extra socializing with extra people that I had to deal with. I had a painted on smile the entire time. I hate anxiety.
Saturday May 17^th- One of my dearest friends college graduation. I hate these kinds of social events. I didn’t like mine. I’m so proud of my friend so I had to go to show her my support. She graduated with honors. She and I met in college at the college she was graduating from. I was stressed about going back and seeing everyone. I was also afraid I’d be sitting by myself at this event due to the kind of seating they have. I was right. I sat in a fold out chair by myself far away from anyone I knew. I kept telling myself I was there to support my friend. Thankfully it wasn’t that long of a service. I was able to get a couple of pictures for my friend. I was so glad it was over though because I was ready to join back up with my friends. I wasn’t able to find them. They forgot to turn their phones on. It was almost thirty minutes before I met up with my friend’s husband. By this point I was ready to call it quits. He went to get his wife and kids and I headed where I thought he had parked the car. I met back up with everyone twenty minutes later. Then we all went out to eat to celebrate. I sat at the end of the table again. I hardly spoke. I tried but I wasn’t doing very well. When dinner was over I was able to get a picture of me and my friend. But have I mentioned I hate anxiety.
May 18^th- My roommate and best friend’s 59^th birthday. I got her set up with her favorite TV show Magnum PI and I’m in my room typing this blog posting. I’m making her a nice dinner and her favorite SF dessert tonight.
Tomorrow May 19^th- I’m going to the college with my friend to visit several professors. Then we are meeting my roommate and some other friends and celebrating several things. Roommate’s birthday [May 18^th], my friend’s college graduation and birthday [May 20^th] and catching up with some friends. Another day of socializing. Have I mentioned I hate anxiety?
I have also added a new workout DVD this week and also extended my walking. It has been very busy and stressful. I have spent most of the time trying to keep myself calm and focused. I have kept going and I’m pleased about that.
To see where my journey began read my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]
To follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Workout Two

Workout # 2

Well I have added a second workout DVD to my routine. I’m also working on adding a second daily walk to my routine. [I’m having trouble finding the time to do that one everyday.]
Well today I got a lot further on my second workout DVD. I’m really working my legs, hips, calves, my chest and arms in this DVD. It even has a section with weights. I was so proud of myself I bought some two pounds weights and I did it. I was making sounds of pain as I did it but I did it. My shoulders and upper arms hurt right now. This is a good thing because I want the flabbiness of my arms to go away. I hate them. I’m an interpreter for the deaf who has been barely able to use her arms, hand, and shoulders to sign. I want that back. I will get that too.
Then I got to the part on the second DVD where they get on the floor and workout. Umm well this is where I came into some problems. I couldn’t get down there and I knew I couldn’t get back up either. This was the cool down section of this DVD so I put in the First DVD and did the song before it’s cool down starts. [I love that song. It just motives me to rock it and I do.] Then I did the cool down part of Workout DVD one. I did fifty minutes today working out. I am so tired and full of energy right now.
I know by the time I go the trip coming up I will have even more endurance and less flabbiness. COOL!
I also have some motivation because two friends of mine have given me some new clothes to wear. I can’t fit into them yet. But by the end of the summer I will be wearing them. I’ll even post pictures. I also saw some amazing outfits in Roaman’s that I want so badly. I have to lose some more weight, get rid of inches and tone up but I will be wearing them.
I hope you all have a blessed and Magical Day!
To see where my journey began:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Saturday, April 26, 2014

A Signal of the Soul Wanting to Grow...

As my normal readers know, I have become a fan of Twitter. In fact, I now have two accounts on Twitter. [The one for this page is https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy .] I love all the positive, encouragement, and support I have found on Twitter. I am also a person who loves positive quotes and encouraging phrases. So I have followed a lot of pages that deliver positivity and some great insights. I came across one a month ago and I have been repeating it over and over in my mind.

“Depression is often a signal of the soul wanting to grow. The key is to listen to your inner self and seek the deeper meaning behind the pain.” Dr. Tammi B PhD [On Twitter- https://twitter.com/tammibphd ]

Now depression is something I have battled for as long as I can remember. When I use the word depression I’m not talking about just feeling sad or boomed out. I’m talking about going to a deep dark place into my core. I’m talking depression- feelings of hopelessness and wanting to quit. That is what I’ve struggled with as far back as I can remember. As most of my readers know I tried to kill myself twice in my life as teenager. I hit a point in my adult life where I was praying for God to take me home. [You can read about it in this blog posting: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]

When I read this quote it really started my mind to wondering all over the place. “A signal of the soul wanting to grow.” That is where I’m at in my life. I’ve been growing and I’ve been facing life, problems, past, fears…. Head on. I’m not allowing myself to quit. I’m not even cutting myself some slack. So why did this quote bother me? Why was I always thinking about it lately?

I have been really struggling for the past six weeks. [We all have these moments in our lives.] I have been dealing with some issues. I kept telling myself “I have been growing. I had been changing.

Wait, changing there is an interesting word.

Have I changed? I can honestly say- Yes.

Have I changed completely? No we’re being honest here.

Then I realized why I was so upset. I had pictured myself completely changed by now. After all, it’s almost been a year since I started this journey of change. I had pictured myself at my weight loss goal. I had pictured myself without the panic attacks, without the nerves and without the fears. I still had them. Honestly, I had one really big one recently that lasted most of the day. I didn’t feel like I had changed at all. I was allowing these feelings of failure to come into my body, mind and my core. When that happened I stopped changing. I just stopped! I stayed in one place. My soul wanted to continue growing. My soul didn’t like staying in one spot. My soul liked the growing, expanding, changing and embracing the new. The staying still was no longer cutting it for my soul. It now knew there was so much more out there and it wanted to continue enjoying it.

“The key is to listen to your inner self and seek deeper meaning behind the pain.”

Have you ever found yourself in an argument with yourself? [No I’m not crazy just keep reading.] I’m just trying to explain that my old self wanted to take over but the new person I had become was fighting back.

The old me- quit, hide from the world, don’t make a decision, let fear of having a panic attack in public rob me of a life. The old me didn’t really exist beyond the surface because dealing with all my mistakes, failures, fear, dread, and pain. It just wasn’t happening. I was a dark person.

New me- Lover of life, passion, dreams, hope, fun, willing to try new things, take a chance and if I have a panic attack in public I’ll deal. The new me was in charge and not willing to let go! I’m glad.

Old Me- Now what do I do? I didn’t change completely I haven’t reached the big goal so why?

New me-“Wait Look at what you did change:

1-You’ve lost weight and inches. You have gotten rid of rolls of fat on your body.

2-You work out and walk. You have gained so much energy and mobility. You do so much more!

3-You have let yourself write again. You are embracing that dream. You are writing a story. You are also blogging. You also have had two articles published.

4-You have become social. You have made the few friendships you had left stronger. You are connected to them more. You have made new friends. You are meeting people.

5-You have confidence and courage and respect for yourself now. You have learned to love yourself. You are able to love others now.
6-You have goals, dreams and plans now. More importantly you are a person who takes action to achieve them.

Old me-“But you didn’t”

New ME- “SHUT UP!"

I’m going to work out now!

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Grateful to Block Heads for helping me through the Panic

Grateful to Block Heads for helping me through the Panic

Well this bad day started last night. I would fall asleep and wake up screaming my head off with Nightmares. URR! I got about maybe two hours of sleep.
I finally got up this morning and I was determined to make the most of this day. I start going about my morning routine and wham! Out of nowhere I am frozen in place. I can’t move. I couldn’t leave my room. I started talking to myself telling myself I was safe and trying to refocus myself but it didn’t work. I was getting worse by the second. My hands and arms were shaking. I couldn’t move. All I was able to do was shake. Then I was having trouble breathing. I couldn’t get a clear thought coming into my head. I couldn’t focus. All I could think about was I was failing yet again. I had a huge list of things to do and I couldn’t leave my room. I stood there for about 30 minutes not able to do anything. I was afraid and can’t tell the exact thing I was afraid of. The shaking was now really bad. I looked like I was dancing in place but it was just me shaking.
I got my feet to move but only to the desk in my room. I sat there for a long time shaking and crying. My thoughts were racing so fast I was not able to understand any of them in my head. I was now officially late. Nothing I did was calming me down. I just sat there shaking and crying my eyes out. Then I started feeling like a failure. I was sitting in my room unable to leave it. Doesn’t get much lower than that. When I say I was full of fear, dread, and panic that is putting it mildly. It was now this force that had taken over my entire body and mind. I felt as though my own body had turned against me. I no longer had control of my body. NONE! I was like this for almost an hour.
In my mind I was as much a failure as when I was in Jr. High & High school and was unable to go to school because I had this panic attacks so bad. I was stuck in my room unable to leave because of fear. Not feeling like I belonged to my family because I couldn’t even join them out of my ROOM! Well I was feeling like this today. I had nothing to offer I couldn’t even take care of myself. I felt like I had not made any progress at all.
I finally was able to turn on my laptop. I turned on my NKOTB music. [There music always helped me. Jon saved my life.] I do really well at just focusing on their music. It helps me refocus and calm down. I was having trouble today focusing on the words. I was still shaking and still crying. [I’m doing this as I write this blog] I turned up the music and then began to just focus on the words of the songs. Then Back to Life came back on and I was able to really focus on the words and this one really helped me. I was able to calm down enough to start allowing myself to think. I started using all the tools I know to refocus my mind. Make myself understand I was safe. I was trying to clear my mind of everything except focusing on the music and I was safe. My phone rang and I answered it. Big mistake! Made things worse. Some people do not understand that I can’t take a deep breath and snap out of this. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! I was unable to focus again. My mind was racing and I couldn’t keep it together. The phone rang again. [Same person] I turned off the phone. So I got online. Now this took me almost ten minutes because my hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t type. I finally got online. I logged into my Twitter account and then did nothing. I couldn’t focus enough to read anything. I replayed Back to Life & We Own Tonight and just focused on the words of the song. I was able to get my mind to think of nothing but the words to these two songs. I cleared it of everything that I had to do today. I cleared it off all the emotions I was feeling and just had the words of these two songs in my mind. That was it.
It helped because now I could read and type on Twitter. I was still shaking and crying but I was starting to regain control slowly. I tried to just focus posts that were care free. It seemed at first no one was online. I then started distracting myself with NKOTB and BH stuff. I checked all the guys’ pages and realized Jon still hadn’t posted anything. Then a BH put out how they missed Jon and I replied me too. Then I got the craziest thought in my head. I decided to distract myself with- #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I thought well let’s see if we can trend this. I started making all kinds of posts with- #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I put I needed to distract myself. Then a BH asked what I was distracting myself from. I said trying to calm down from Panic Attack and I got the most overwhelming and wonderful encouragement and support from my closer friends on Twitter [Who are BH’s] to BH’s I don’t know. I got messages of support. I got BH’s Tweeting let’s trend this for @MarieMontgome16 to help distract her. #HaveUSeenJonKnight. Tweet after Tweet was popping up with #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I also got DM with encouraging words and support. I now follow a lot more BH’s because of their support! I was able to regain focus. I was able to calm down. I was able to stop having a panic attack. It was amazing at the love & support I got today. I’m a very grateful BH.
My day didn’t get easier and I am still very much shaking up but my day did get better. Thank you Block Heads. I may not have been able to trend #HaveUSeenJonKnight but you helped this BH through a very scary day of panic.
If you’d like to read how I began this journey of change and see how Jon saved my life check out my first posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Sweat it is a Good Thing, Right?

I’m sitting here covered in sweat. [My roommate did laundry and I’m waiting for the hot water to build back up.] I did my daily workout date and then some. Let me tell you the amount of sweat surprises me because I haven’t pushed myself this hard in a long time.

Well I met a new workout challenge today. I added two songs to the DVD. My hips, thighs, knees, calves and ankles are screaming at me right now. [I’m beginning to like them complaining because it means they are having to their job again.] I finished the DVD and wasn’t done. I went to my room and did more. I put my ear phones on and turned on my MP3 player and did Sign-Er-Cise. I did this for additional 20 minutes. I reached the point where I couldn’t do any more. I walked around my house for about five minutes. I looked at the clock and realized I had done one hour and fifteen minutes of exercise. [Continual]

I’m unable to explain how much better I feel right now. I am thinking clearer and even feel the blood through my body. My head is cleared and I’m able to focus. I am back to where I was before I had to stop [on Dr. Orders] due to my health. I don’t feel like I am back tracking again. Now I can’t wait till this evening when I get to do my walk. I love my walking time.
Believe it or not I like the fact that I am covered in sweat right now.

To see where my journey began please read:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

WHOOOOO! Glad that's over

WHOOOOOOO! That is over!

Ok as most of you know I have been having some serious medical problems. I had a GYN appointment today and found out some news. [Again for the males that read this blog it will not get to detailed.]
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I hate these appointments. I’m afraid of them. So much so I had to have my sister go with me. She thankfully agreed to go with me. But by 5pm yesterday I was panicked. I tried everything to calm down. I was talking to friends on Twitter and FB. I was blessed to have several people talk to me. I tried to sleep and I couldn’t sleep. I tried to write and I couldn’t write. I tried listening to my praise music. I was praying. I just was not calming down enough to sleep. I kept having memories going through my head. I kept thinking the appointment was going to be like the memory. I was going in a vicious circle. I was sitting in my bed shaking. I gave up sleeping around 3am. I got up took a shower and just texted a best friend. I then just turned on my favorite album lately “10” and started signing it. [American Sign Language] I signed the whole album. I was a bit calmer. I wasn’t shaking as bad. Then I signed the album I learned to sign to Hangin’ Tough. I did the whole album. By this time I was calm. It was 6:30 so I just went about my daily routine.
My sister shows up and gives me a ride. Poor thing I talked her ear off but she listened patiently. We go the doctor’s office and his entire staff was nice and understanding to me. I was glad about this fact because most of the ones I have seen were not very nice to me. The doctor was as nice as can be as well. He was understanding of my panic attacks. He was understanding that my sister was in the room. Everything went smoothly from there. He took me off the medicine that makes me sick. Yeah! He is replacing it with some hormones. We have a plan for treatments. [Won’t share on here because of males being on here.] I am pleased with this doctor. He reassured me I wasn’t crazy like my other doctor told me. He didn’t dismiss me. He listened to me and very caring. I was very grateful.
Although I am very sleepy from not getting any sleep I am very relieved. I’m going to go work out and do a walk today. I’m going to get a lot of my writing done. I feel so much better now.
To see where I began my journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me through the Journey of Change on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

Sunday, April 6, 2014

A Chance!

A Chance. Two simple words A Chance! We all say take a chance but for me that is something that isn’t easily done. A Chance! If I do anything I plan it and it is never really anything that would be considered a chance. I go out with my siblings and their families or a friend but other than that I don’t go out. I am a home buddy that wishes she wasn’t a home body.
The idea of going out isn’t always an easy one for me. You see I’m still afraid of having a panic attack where a lot of people will see me. I even try to hide from my family when I have them. I want to go concerts, or out on a date, or a girl’s night out. I haven’t done any of these for so long. I have had my biological father offer on three different occasions to send me to see my favorite group. [Favorite since I was 12.] In 2008 when NKOTB got back together, again when they did the Package Tour with Back Street Boys and this past year with their 10 album release. All three times I came up with an excuse not to go. The true reasons were- I was afraid of having a panic attack. I let the fear of having a panic attack keep me from going and having the time of my life three different times now. I have regretted this decision every day. I hate that I didn’t go. I have seen clips on YouTube and man were these awesome concerts! [I should have taken a chance and gone to the concerts. If I had a panic attack and was shaking people would have thought I was dancing.]
Yesterday a friend sent me a link to a contest with the message- “ENTER!” I clicked on the link thinking it was something for her kids or school but it was a contest to win NKOTB concert tickets in Las Vegas. I closed the link down and said I can’t do that. I wouldn’t handle the contest. I walked out of my room and then turned around and went back to my computer and pulled it up again. I sat there staring at it for a while. I kept picturing me winning and then having a panic attack in front of everyone. I kept seeing this scenario over and over. I then looked at the inspiration pictures on my wall all around my desk. I saw the one where I wanted to go on NKOTB cruise in 2015. I then remembered the regret I had at not going to the three concerts in the past. I took a deep breath and clicked on the link. I couldn’t think of anything clever or cute to say so I stated how I wanted to thank them esp. JON and posted a link to my very first blog posting. I shared it with everyone. If I win I will be there. If I have a panic attack I’ll still be there. I’m not going to let this fear keep me from entering the contest. If I win I’m not going to let fear keep me from me going and having fun with NKOTB and loads of BH’s. If you’d like to vote for me here is the link and you vote every day.
http://www.ktu.com/pages/contest/nkotb/?55y&day=after
If you’d like to read how Jon and NKOTB have saved and touched my life then read my very first blog posting.
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
If you’d like to follow me on Twitter where I post about my Journey of Change
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
Thank You! Have a great day!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Enough!

First some important news. I have started a Twitter Account just for posting about Breaking Free of the Panic and weight. Here is the link if you’d like to follow it: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy I am only posting positive things about Journey of Change, Living Healthy, Positive stuff, and this blog.
As most of you know, I have been on this Journey of Change for a while now. There are times when it moves super slowly and others it goes by so fast. I am in slow period right now. I feel like I have been here before. You see, due to some serious health issues I was told to do nothing but rest for a week which became 9 days. I was released and jumped back into the walking and exercise where I left off. BIG MISTAKE! I paid for it. I am still battling the low blood count and iron count so I didn’t have the energy to do a lot. It got worse the more I pushed myself. Well I got so dizzy and had to sit down. I was done for the whole day. This was a huge blow for me. It really got to me physically and emotionally. I felt like I went backwards. I felt like I had failed yet again. I was just so upset! [I had gotten to where I would take a walk when I felt this bad but that wasn’t happening.] This really weighed heavy on my mind. Then the next morning, I weighed again and had gained back some of the weight. I was warned it might happen for the first month on this medicine until my body adjusted to it. But all I saw was a scale that went up and not down. My mind heard all those negative thoughts again. I heard all the people telling me I couldn’t do it. We all have family and people like this. I started letting self-doubt come back into my mind. This lead to a lot of pure frustration and pain for me. The medicine is still making me sick which only added to things because my nights were spent in misery. Then the thing I dread the most happened.
I was determined I was going to just keep going and I can do this. Well I got up and said I’ll take a small walk around my neighborhood. I got my MP3 player and opened the door and walked outside and then it hit me. The thing I fear most of all happening, happened. I had a panic attack. I could move. I was hit with this wall of dread! It was an all-consuming fear that was pushing me back. I felt like it was crushing me from all sides. My mind wasn’t able to think beyond this fear. My heart was beating faster and faster. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. My body was even turning on me it was now shaking. Then the one thought beyond fear I had was run. Run away must escape this madness. RUN! So I did. I went back in my house and in my room. I stayed there for several hours. After I calmed down I became angry at myself. I had made a scene. I hate having a panic attack in public. I hate it more than I can ever explain. I had them in school and was made fun of and bullied beyond belief. I had to be home schooled because of panic attacks. I worked really hard at hiding them from my few friends I felt so ashamed because I had panic attacks. So when I had this one I just was so mad at myself.
Well I calmed down enough to start thinking clearer. Then I turned on my laptop and begin to write. I wrote in the story I’m writing. I wrote a scene where my main character was going through some major stuff and she just said ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Then stood up and took charge. [That’s all I can say about it without giving anything away.] It made me realize I had had my set back but enough. Get up and try again. Make it happen. I took a small walk around my neighborhood.
To see where my journey began check out my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Sunday, March 23, 2014

One Eventful Month

I’m sorry it has been a month since I wrote a blog post. As my tittle suggest it has been an eventful month. In beginning of the month my baby boy [my cat] started getting sick. He got really sick and on March 5^th I had to put my baby boy Tabby asleep. I rescued him out of a mouth of a bulldog out my apartment. He was being eaten alive. I almost got bit by this dog but I got the cat out of his mouth. I nursed him back to health. I had to move because I couldn’t have pets in my apartment. Tabby became my baby. The vet said he was about 2 ½ to 3 years old when I got him. I had blessed with almost sixteen years of him in my life. I miss him something terrible. As you all know from where I began this journey I didn’t get out much. I stayed home a lot due to anxiety and panic attacks. He was my constant friend.
To see where the journey began read click the link below to read my first blog.
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
I have been having some serious health issues for a while now. I was finally able to get into to see a doctor. I have been taking a lot of blood tests and other medical test since March 7^th. I know my way around the hospital pretty good now. I had to have a friend go with me to the doctor’s visit due to nerves. The doctor wasn’t understanding of anxiety issues at all. He asked how many times I had been locked in a mental ward for it. I do not like the doctor my insurance will pay for.
After a lot of tests here is what I know:
My blood count is very low. I mean literally half of what it should be. A person’s blood count should be 14 and mine is 7.

My iron is dangerous low. A person’s should be 125 and mine is 5. [Explains why I am always weak and dizzy.]

The medicine I was given for this makes me so nausea and dizzy. I feel like my stomach is punching me and mad at me every time I take this medicine.

I have some female issues [and due to the males the read this I will limit the details] that could be three different issues-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ovarian Cancer, or Uterus Cancer. They do know I have a cyst in right ovary. [There are more details but like I said I have some male readers who wouldn’t want to know more than this.] I’m taking two medicines to treat this and one of them makes me nausea as well. I can’t take the two together and have to wait about an hour and half between the two. I spend most of the morning sick to my stomach.

Then when I do eat it doesn’t help at all. I can only keep pudding, shakes, potatoes, and food soft like this down easily. The other stuff not so much. I eat the other stuff but it only makes my stomach hurt worse.

I had a Mammogram and then had two more and a breast ultrasound on the same day. I have three cysts on my left breast. Due to this being my first Mammogram insurance and doctor want to wait six months take another Mammogram and go from there. So I am in a waiting game for this one.

Someone asked me how I was doing on my weight loss and exercise and the answer is URRRRRR! The doctor ordered me not to exercise or do my long walks for at least a week. He hopes the medicine will help my iron count improve so I won’t be so weak or dizzy. I have hated not being able to work out or walk. I have missed it. It was a way to help me deal with stress and concern. It also helped me with nerves. The fact I can only eat super soft foods or drink shakes without making my stomach nausea and hurt doesn’t help with the diet at all. [The one super soft food I can’t get down is Jell-O. YUCK!]

Someone asked how my nerves were doing? The answer is I’m Hangin’ Tough. Yes this does affect me. I had a test on March 12^th and the entire time it was being done I laid there shaking and crying. I told the woman I couldn’t breathe. She had to stop the test and get me to calm down some. She was able to finish the test. So yes this is wearing on my nerves but I am Hangin’ Tough.

I have been writing in my story more as it seems to help keep my mind of things and not notice the pain my stomach and abdomen as much. The week is up tomorrow so I will be exercising and doing my walk. [I might have to modify both due to still feeling weak and dizzy a lot of the time.] I’m looking forward to having some of normal back.