Well this bad day started last night. I would fall asleep and wake up screaming my head off with Nightmares. URR! I got about maybe two hours of sleep.
I finally got up this morning and I was determined to make the most of this day. I start going about my morning routine and wham! Out of nowhere I am frozen in place. I can’t move. I couldn’t leave my room. I started talking to myself telling myself I was safe and trying to refocus myself but it didn’t work. I was getting worse by the second. My hands and arms were shaking. I couldn’t move. All I was able to do was shake. Then I was having trouble breathing. I couldn’t get a clear thought coming into my head. I couldn’t focus. All I could think about was I was failing yet again. I had a huge list of things to do and I couldn’t leave my room. I stood there for about 30 minutes not able to do anything. I was afraid and can’t tell the exact thing I was afraid of. The shaking was now really bad. I looked like I was dancing in place but it was just me shaking.
I got my feet to move but only to the desk in my room. I sat there for a long time shaking and crying. My thoughts were racing so fast I was not able to understand any of them in my head. I was now officially late. Nothing I did was calming me down. I just sat there shaking and crying my eyes out. Then I started feeling like a failure. I was sitting in my room unable to leave it. Doesn’t get much lower than that. When I say I was full of fear, dread, and panic that is putting it mildly. It was now this force that had taken over my entire body and mind. I felt as though my own body had turned against me. I no longer had control of my body. NONE! I was like this for almost an hour.
In my mind I was as much a failure as when I was in Jr. High & High school and was unable to go to school because I had this panic attacks so bad. I was stuck in my room unable to leave because of fear. Not feeling like I belonged to my family because I couldn’t even join them out of my ROOM! Well I was feeling like this today. I had nothing to offer I couldn’t even take care of myself. I felt like I had not made any progress at all.
I finally was able to turn on my laptop. I turned on my NKOTB music. [There music always helped me. Jon saved my life.] I do really well at just focusing on their music. It helps me refocus and calm down. I was having trouble today focusing on the words. I was still shaking and still crying. [I’m doing this as I write this blog] I turned up the music and then began to just focus on the words of the songs. Then Back to Life came back on and I was able to really focus on the words and this one really helped me. I was able to calm down enough to start allowing myself to think. I started using all the tools I know to refocus my mind. Make myself understand I was safe. I was trying to clear my mind of everything except focusing on the music and I was safe. My phone rang and I answered it. Big mistake! Made things worse. Some people do not understand that I can’t take a deep breath and snap out of this. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! I was unable to focus again. My mind was racing and I couldn’t keep it together. The phone rang again. [Same person] I turned off the phone. So I got online. Now this took me almost ten minutes because my hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t type. I finally got online. I logged into my Twitter account and then did nothing. I couldn’t focus enough to read anything. I replayed Back to Life & We Own Tonight and just focused on the words of the song. I was able to get my mind to think of nothing but the words to these two songs. I cleared it of everything that I had to do today. I cleared it off all the emotions I was feeling and just had the words of these two songs in my mind. That was it.
It helped because now I could read and type on Twitter. I was still shaking and crying but I was starting to regain control slowly. I tried to just focus posts that were care free. It seemed at first no one was online. I then started distracting myself with NKOTB and BH stuff. I checked all the guys’ pages and realized Jon still hadn’t posted anything. Then a BH put out how they missed Jon and I replied me too. Then I got the craziest thought in my head. I decided to distract myself with- #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I thought well let’s see if we can trend this. I started making all kinds of posts with- #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I put I needed to distract myself. Then a BH asked what I was distracting myself from. I said trying to calm down from Panic Attack and I got the most overwhelming and wonderful encouragement and support from my closer friends on Twitter [Who are BH’s] to BH’s I don’t know. I got messages of support. I got BH’s Tweeting let’s trend this for @MarieMontgome16 to help distract her. #HaveUSeenJonKnight. Tweet after Tweet was popping up with #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I also got DM with encouraging words and support. I now follow a lot more BH’s because of their support! I was able to regain focus. I was able to calm down. I was able to stop having a panic attack. It was amazing at the love & support I got today. I’m a very grateful BH.
My day didn’t get easier and I am still very much shaking up but my day did get better. Thank you Block Heads. I may not have been able to trend #HaveUSeenJonKnight but you helped this BH through a very scary day of panic.
If you’d like to read how I began this journey of change and see how Jon saved my life check out my first posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
No comments:
Post a Comment