IJust Don't Knoww

I have no idea on what to write or say in this blog. It feels like I am lost inside. I have been in a funk, a fog, a haze or a daze. I have been very depressed. I feel like I am living in a darkness of sadness. It has been like this for me for quite a while now. Since July it seems like so many things in my life are falling apart.

In July, a dear friend of mine died after a long battle in a comma in ICU. It was very hard to watch her body and mind just slip away into nothing. I had been watching her daughter with down syndrome. I was living at my friend’s house and still going back and forth taking care of Judi. I also started taking care of our neighbor who has MS. I was doing all of this since the first part of June. My friend’s final days just hit me hard. During this time, I had an issue with my health. I was having serve chest pains. I didn’t take the time to do anything about it. I figured that it was just stress. So, it kept getting worse. I landed myself in the ER with serve chest pains. I was scared to death when the doctor told me we think you’re having a heart attack. They did a lot of tests and then admitted me into the hospital. It wasn’t a heart attack but they thought it was a blood clot. Well I was in there for almost a week. During this time my friend’s daughter that I had been caring for went to live with family in another state. I found myself missing her daughter more than I could ever imagine. I loved that girl. I also was dealing with the fact that my doctor wanted me to go to apply for SSI due to my health and limited ability to work. I didn’t want to do this. I had to deal with this fact. It has me very upset and feeling like I was useless.
I did what the doctor told me and working on myself. I couldn’t seem to get over my friend’s death or no longer seeing her daughter. My dad was also having a lot of health issues during this time. I was very concerned. I started getting panic again. I was still trying to find a job during this time also. I was still having trouble finding a job. It seemed like no matter what I couldn’t get a job. Then in September I got a job. I went through there three weeks of paper work and finally got hired! This was the middle of September. I was working as a cashier part time. I was very happy. I did all the orientation and training and was really enjoying the job and people I worked with. Then on the fourth week I fall down my front concrete stairs. I really missed up my right knee and ankle. I was told to take ten days off work. I then went back to orthopedic and learned that my knee needed to be completely replaced. In fact, both would need replaced. My right knee especially was messed up. The doctor also said that my ankles and hips were showing signs that they would need to be replaced as well. My doctor said I had to work only two hours then sit down with my knee prompted up and ice on it. I could only work a four hour shift too. Well this wasn’t good for keeping my job. I’m on the schedule for when I heal but I can’t work till then. (URR!) My doctor also told me to stop walking as much as I was walking. Stop doing the workout videos because of how it would do harm to my knees and legs. (That really did hurt because my walking was a relief for me.)
This began the job hunt looking for something I could do sitting down. I haven’t had any luck at all. I was told last week that SSI would take another six months before they knew anything. This has only added more stress to me. I am without an income. I have nothing coming in. NOTHING! I’m very grateful that I can live with a friend in exchange for cooking and helping her out. I still have no income. Trust me when I say medical and student loans do not wait nor understand. They call and demand their money way too much.
I have gotten so depressed during this time. It seemed like I had nothing to do to help my situation improve. I was trying very hard but kept landing on my face. I was in a circle of stress that was crazy because I couldn’t get out of it.

To make matters worse, due to not exercising, depression and not able to afford FirstFitness Nutrition I’ve gained all the weight I had lost. I’m completely at the beginning again not knowing how to start again. I can’t seem to get going again. My nerves are completely fired too. I am back to having issues with my nerves again. I have been staying away from everyone again. I’ve not been really wanting to write in the blog either. I haven’t been wanting to write when there isn’t anything good to write about. I feel like I’ve let so many people down. I know I’ve let myself down.

This past week I’ve forced myself to decorate for Christmas for Judi. I knew she wants it done. It has helped me get into somewhat of an improved mood. I got to have my nephew over to make cookies and he helped me decorate too. It helped my mood improve even more. I have the front porch and the living room finished. I decided that maybe writing this blog would help me get going again. I’m sorry that it isn’t a very happy one but it is a truthful posting. I’m having to begin again. I’m just trying to figure out how to do that.
I began here in September of 2013 and I’m here again:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html