U Turn

U Turn

Depression! What a nasty word. It is a mean little monster. It sneaks in and then slowly takes controls. Depression is not my friend. Since the first of the year I have been battle depression every day. It is driving me batty. My nerves have been shot as well. I have four panic attacks this year. Not a good thing. I have just not been at my best lately.

I have been worried so much lately about money. I still don’t have a job. I am still caring for a friend in exchange for a place to live but that doesn’t cover other things like food, hygiene, and other things. So I am worried. I am trying to eat healthier and be on the right track as far as food goes. Sometimes with $30 to $100 for a month for food that just doesn’t cut it. I have to swallow a lot of pride and go stand in line at a lot of food banks and eat a lot of sweets, pasta and bread. [That’s what I always get and always grateful for it.] Then I feel guilty for eating it because I am breaking the rules about healthier eating. I feel guilty because people are helping me and I am letting them down by eating the crappy food. I start feeling like I am letting down the people who are trying to help me. Then I know I should weigh in but I don’t want to. I start to get this knot in my stomach. My mouth starts getting very dry and I start to shake. Then I can’t no matter what I do catch my breath. It is terrible. I have thoughts running through my head like-“I can’t weigh because the numbers will show I have gained weight. I will have to tell people I have gained weight. I will let them down. They will be so disappointed in me.” So I don’t weigh. I walk away from the scale. I have failed yet again. I have let people down again.

My mind and emotions keep going from here. Then I reach a point of STOP! I try telling myself I am alright! I try going for a walk around my neighborhood. [Not safe in my area. I have almost been run over or I trip and sprain my ankle every time I do this.] This leads to more frustration!

Then people asking how much more weight I’ve lost and I tell them the truth and I get responses like- “Really that’s all you lost.” “You’re not losing the amount of weight you should be losing” or “Have you just quit?” [The last one is my favorite]

I also am not sleeping at night. No matter what I do I can’t fall asleep. When I do, I don’t stay asleep. It is very frustrating. I usually fall asleep about 4 or 5 in the morning. I then wake up around 11 or 12. Then I am behind on my schedule. I wake up behind and with things not done already. I’m behind on taking medicine and eating. I get nervous and then frustrated just getting out of the bed. This also makes me one grumpy person.

This is where I am right now. This is not where I am going to stay.

I have decided not to follow the schedule I have made up. Since I am not sleeping there is no way I can get up at 6am and start my day. Not happening. I am writing a schedule that makes more sense for me. Yes I’ll be eating breakfast later than most but hey it’s ok. I have decided that yes the food giving to me may not be the healthiest but I can choose the healthiest options of what is giving to me. I have decided to weigh and breathe and know I’ll be alright. I didn’t get to over 400 pounds over night. I know I won’t lose weight overnight neither.

I wish I could report happier and more progress but this is where I am right now.  I haven’t quit. I will achieve this goal. I will continue on the journey of change. My goal is to have more progress to write about on my next blog. I'm taking a U Turn and going back the right way.