Yesterday I posted on Facebook how much better I was feeling. I said I was listening to “O Holy Night” and wishing I could perform it. [I perform songs in Sign Language] I love doing that song one of my all-time favorite Christmas carols. Well the music minister of my church saw my post and said come prepared to do it. So I did.
At church I am going through sound check and practicing
song when suddenly I can’t breathe. I can’t think. My hands are shaking. I just
stop at the beginning of the second verse. I told them “I got it” and I got out
of there as quickly as I could. I had to get some air. I was still shaking.
[Thank God winter jackets hide a lot.]
I hate this part of me because I enjoy performing
songs. I feel alive when I’m on stage performing but for some reason I was
having trouble calming down.
I go into the Sunday school area and get informed I
am teaching the 4th to 6th because the teacher is out. I
wasn’t prepared for this and I hate surprises. So I have nothing ready and have
to go into a class and wing it. [As if I wasn’t shaking enough]
I go into the class and our lesson was “What are we
thankful for about Christmas. I had them draw and make list. I started trying
to refocus my brain. I was telling myself “to breathe” “You’re ok” “breathe
Marie” “Stop shaking” “Focus on something calming” “Focus on something you like”
I was telling myself all the things to refocus and calm me down. It helped some
but not a lot.
After Sunday school we went to church. I was nervous
the entire time. My hands kept shaking. No matter what I did my hands were
shaking. Then I was next. I wanted to leave the church. [I almost left the
service twice] I took a deep breathe [didn’t help] walked up on stage and
closed my eyes. Music started and I just let go and did it. I told myself I had
to do this. My hands were like a robot in the first part of the song and by the
end I was shaking. I could hardly look at the audience but I did it. I didn’t
run off.
When it was over I went to my pew got my jacket and
purse and almost left because I was shaking and having trouble breathing. But I
stopped and sat on the last row and just rocked myself until I calmed down. Within
15 minutes I was calmed down and ok.
The fact that I stayed and didn’t run from this is
major. You see when I have a panic attack all I want to do is run. RUN! I want
to run from everything and everyone. I feel like everything is closing in
around me and I’m being squished till all the breath in me is gone. I feel out
of control and my body doesn’t stop shaking. The fact that people see me like
this only makes the problem worse not better. I am proud of me today because I
didn’t give into the panic. I didn’t let the panic take away the joy I have
when I perform. I just did it while still having a panic attack. I am blessed.
To read about my journey from the beginning click on this link.
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