The Journey of Change Continues in 2014

The Journey of Change Continues in 2014

This is the time of year when everyone makes a list of all the things they want to accomplish in the New Year. Well that has already started for me. I began changing my life in May of this year. I am loving the changes and the ME that is coming through now. I know I still have a long way to go but I will reach my goals.

I have already overcome so much this past year. I was at the point where I prayed to die. I told God to take me home now. But Thankfully he didn’t do that. I am here. To understand where I began my journey read my very first blog post:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

There are many things I have learned this year. I have learned that I am an emotional eater. Whoever said eating and emotions do not go together has never met me. I have noticed when I over eat and when I don’t. I know the signs now and I am putting things in place to prevent this.

I also learned that I am a person who needs a schedule. I hate this as well. I do better when I have schedule and plan ahead. I am writing one up today. I am getting back on track. [Bonus fact it helps me not have as many panic attacks.]

Thanksgiving to Christmas has been rough on me. It is hard to say no to all these wonderful sweets people offer you and give you.  I am proud to say I didn’t gain a huge amount of the weight I lost back. I gained six pounds back. L However, I am alright with that because I know I did it when I gave in & ate what I shouldn’t have.

I also have realized there are so many things that I want to do. You see when I began this journey I was 469 pounds. I was not active at all. I didn’t do anything. Now I am beginning to be active and do things. I also want to do so many things. I have a bucket travel list, I want to learn to dance, I wanna do the waltz, I wanna do the walk for a cure I want to record me performing and share it now and………………………. The list goes on and on. My niece told me that if I lost all the weight she would go on the rides that scare her at Walt Disney World with me. I have something new to motivate me. That will be like a new trip for me. Riding the rides I normally can’t. As you can see I have a new passion for having an active life.

My biggest goal is still going on the 2015 New Kids on the Block cruise. To celebrate the new me and what I have achieved. [Here’s a secret I’m scared to death of getting on that huge ship. I’m so afraid I’ll have a panic attack & flip out & won’t be able to board] I want to do this cruise to meet Jonathan Knight and thank him for saving my life and inspiring me. All of NKOTB have but Jonathan really did save me.

[To understand what I mean read http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]

So here are my goals for 2014:

1-Contiune on the Journey of Change. I want to lose 130 to 150 pounds this year.

2-I want to gain strength and endurance. I will walk and exercise more. I want no more flabby arms, legs, or just the whole body.

3-I need a job! I need one I can walk to and from without being run off the road. [I have had that happen three different times] I apply for the jobs and even do over phone interviews and they want me then they see me and everything changes. Well I have decided not to let that be what stops me anymore. I need a job. I have bills and a cruise to save up for. [Because I know I will reach my goals.]

4-I want to finish my book this year.

5-I want to finish the Christmas play for church I am writing.

6-I want to start recording me performing songs in Sign Language and posting them.

7-I want to inspire the youth I work with on Wednesday nights.

8-I want my blog to grow and help people realize that change can still happen. It’s not too late.

9-I want to cross off some of my bucket list this year as well.

 

These are just a few things I want to do this year but I know I will always add more. Life is never finished when you achieve a goal; it just means you can now go on a new adventure.

I hope that you all have a Blessed and Magical 2014.

I Just Did It!

I Just Did It!

Yesterday I posted on Facebook how much better I was feeling. I said I was listening to “O Holy Night” and wishing I could perform it. [I perform songs in Sign Language] I love doing that song one of my all-time favorite Christmas carols. Well the music minister of my church saw my post and said come prepared to do it. So I did.

At church I am going through sound check and practicing song when suddenly I can’t breathe. I can’t think. My hands are shaking. I just stop at the beginning of the second verse. I told them “I got it” and I got out of there as quickly as I could. I had to get some air. I was still shaking. [Thank God winter jackets hide a lot.]

I hate this part of me because I enjoy performing songs. I feel alive when I’m on stage performing but for some reason I was having trouble calming down.

I go into the Sunday school area and get informed I am teaching the 4^th to 6^th because the teacher is out. I wasn’t prepared for this and I hate surprises. So I have nothing ready and have to go into a class and wing it. [As if I wasn’t shaking enough]

I go into the class and our lesson was “What are we thankful for about Christmas. I had them draw and make list. I started trying to refocus my brain. I was telling myself “to breathe” “You’re ok” “breathe Marie” “Stop shaking” “Focus on something calming” “Focus on something you like” I was telling myself all the things to refocus and calm me down. It helped some but not a lot.

After Sunday school we went to church. I was nervous the entire time. My hands kept shaking. No matter what I did my hands were shaking. Then I was next. I wanted to leave the church. [I almost left the service twice] I took a deep breathe [didn’t help] walked up on stage and closed my eyes. Music started and I just let go and did it. I told myself I had to do this. My hands were like a robot in the first part of the song and by the end I was shaking. I could hardly look at the audience but I did it. I didn’t run off.

When it was over I went to my pew got my jacket and purse and almost left because I was shaking and having trouble breathing. But I stopped and sat on the last row and just rocked myself until I calmed down. Within 15 minutes I was calmed down and ok.

The fact that I stayed and didn’t run from this is major. You see when I have a panic attack all I want to do is run. RUN! I want to run from everything and everyone. I feel like everything is closing in around me and I’m being squished till all the breath in me is gone. I feel out of control and my body doesn’t stop shaking. The fact that people see me like this only makes the problem worse not better. I am proud of me today because I didn’t give into the panic. I didn’t let the panic take away the joy I have when I perform. I just did it while still having a panic attack. I am blessed.

To read about my journey from the beginning click on this link.

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

I have no idea what to write....

I have no idea what to write……..

I am aware it has been since Thanksgiving day since I wrote anything. It has been kind of crazy for me. I’m sorry. I wish I had some good news to report as far as weight loss goes but I don’t. Going to two Thanksgiving dinners and living off spaghetti and rice I have gotten from the food banks has taken a toll on me. I have gained some weight back. I am so mad at myself right now.

I have to be honest here. [This is one of those times when I would love to pass the buck but I promised myself I would be honest with myself] I haven’t done the water or the exercise like I should have done. Yes I was living on stuff from the food banks but if I had continued the exercise and water I don’t think I would be in this mess right now. [I gained 10 pounds back]

I am so ashamed of myself right now. I feel like I have let down friends and family. I know I have let myself down. I almost didn’t write this blog because I am afraid of the comments I would receive from certain people. [You know the ones who love to jump on you when you fail and then keep you down.]

Well I have to move forward from this because the only thing I can change is the present. So I am leaving this set back in the past and now given myself a clean slate. [Working on forgiving myself.] I am going back on the journey of change stronger with more determination. I am still going to achieve this. J J

What I am Grateful for

What I am Grateful for:

Well it is Thanksgiving Day and I have a lot to be grateful for. The beginning of this year I was a miserable person. By May I was just waiting for God to take me home. I had lost all hope. I didn’t see the point of continuing. To understand how I got to this point please read my first blog. Here is the link: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

I am grateful God didn’t take me home but let me live and has blessed me a huge support system. I am grateful for my salvation. Thank you.

I am grateful for my sister Chelley because she loved me enough to point me on the journey of change. Chelley I love you and respect you so much. Thank you for having the courage to help me. I am also grateful to her husband Dennis because he has been an awesome cheerleader from the sideline for me. Dennis you rock and our family is blessed to have you our lives.

I am grateful for all my family and their motivation for me.

I am also grateful for my friends. I love you gals and guys so much. You have no idea how much I am grateful for you in my life.

Judi what can I say that you don’t already know. You are so kind to me. You make sure I have a place to stay as I go through this journey of change. You keep me from being homeless. Judi do so much more than keep me from being homeless. You put up with me on a daily bases. You listen to me, encourage me, and kick my butt. Thank you for all your love and support. You are my sounding board for my story and every time listen with real interest and joy. Thank you for being the “Lizard”.

Sandra I don’t have to tell you how much you mean to me we have been friends since I was 7 and you were 5. We have experienced life the good, bad and ugly and yet you are still my friend. Thank you. I miss you and love you.

Valleri we have known each other for years but have gotten so close these past month. WOW! We do some interesting and fun late night chat. Thank you. You let me vent, cry and ramble on for hours over our favorite topic. [WCG] I admire how you are facing Lupus head on. Lupus has damaged or shut down so much of your body and yet you have a heart and determination to enjoy life. That is a huge encouragement for me. Thank you. I love you Valleri. [Oh and I am so proud of the fact I made you into a Block Head. YEA!]

Nikki, aka my Disney buddy, thank you for putting up with me. You are always there. You and your family mean so much to me. I am grateful for everything we do together. I love our Disney trips together. [Even the ones we do on YouTube to hold us over.] I am so glad we met. I gained you as a friend and your kids as adopted nieces and nephews. [Your husband as the annoying brother but hey that’s cool too.]

Angela I know you through Nikki but the past 6 months we have gotten closer. I like that fact. I am so grateful for the rides you have given me. You rock!

I am also thankful for the people of FirstFitness Nutrition. They are awesome supporters. Chelley, Dennis, Jennifer, Brandi and the whole gang. Thank you.

I want to thank my friends on Facebook for their support as well. There are few who just always quick with praise and encouragement for me. Tina Martinez, Carolyn Norton, Kat Duvall Cindy Shorey and Nellie Harmon I say thank you for the support you have given me. You gals are just AWSOME!!!!!! Loves you.

I joined Twitter in September and gained a lot of surprise support that I never dreamed of. If you told me a year ago I would be so happy because people on Twitter make my day, I would have laughed in your face. But here I am and that is true. It started out just being Block Heads and now there are some who I have gotten to know and I’m very blessed for it. Tammy, Argie, J’Adore, Beth, Natasha, Nyia, Denise, Martha and Stephanie I am grateful for you ladies in my life. I hope to continue to build our friendship together. Keep Hangin’ Tough.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews in my life that bring me great joy and I am grateful for each and every one of them. They always make me smile.

I wish everyone a Blessed and Magical Thanksgiving. Thanks for letting me count my blessings with you.

Thanksgiving Nerves

Thanksgiving  Nerves

Well I have read post after post on Twitter and FB about how everyone is so excited and preparing for the Thanksgiving. Well I’m not. I am so grateful for the many blessings of this year. I have had so many. [Will have article about that tomorrow] You see I like holidays through the year. I hate the socializing that goes with them. I am already dreading tomorrow so much so I am sick to my stomach. This happens every time I have to go to these kinds of things. I head starts spinning with all the thoughts that go through my head. The worry and fear. Yes it is a fear for me. I hate it but it is there and a part of me.

Tomorrow I have a day where I get to see my entire family. All my siblings and their children will be there. I love my nieces and nephews. I miss getting to see them. Yet the thought of going there with everyone fills me with fear and dread. I always seem to be so nervous and so afraid that they will know I am scared or see that I am shaking a bit that I sit and just don’t say much or nothing at all. I always end up coming home with so upset at myself because I wasn’t very social with everyone. This doesn’t just happen with family either it happens when I’m at friends’ houses as well. I always feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I am the one who doesn’t fit into the group.

This is the one factor about myself that I hate. I hate that this happens to me. I am on a journey of change and have made great progress but this evening I am just trying to stop and breathe. I trying to remember that it will be alright and tomorrow will be wonderful. My nerves have made their presence known and I am trying to ruin them in.

I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving.

Visual Aid

Visual Aids

I am a very visual person. I tend to forget things if I can’t see them or be reminded of them daily. So I made myself posters. My room/office/workout area has them covered all over them. I like them. It will help a lot. Here are my visual aids:

 

 

 

These should keep me motivated.

A Glooming and Panic Filled Day

A Glooming and Panic Filled Day

Well my day started out ok and then I went to leave my house and it all fall apart. I suddenly couldn’t breathe well. I was shaking all over. I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t walk out of my door. I couldn’t do it. I felt like my house was pushing in around me. All four sides were crushing me. I felt like the roof was coming down on me as well. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t deal with it. I just keep trying to breathe. I finally was able to move and what did I do I went back to bed.

This sucks. I hate this part of me. I do. I mean all I was going to do was go for a walk. I was going to take a small walk and I couldn’t do it. [I am so mad at myself.] I went back to bed and stayed there till about 11 this morning. Then when I tried to get out of bed and just get ready for some friends coming over today I had to just stop because I couldn’t take it. I was so over whelmed. It took me a while to refocus and breathe again.

Today I feel deflated. I’m working on refocusing and starting again. [As I write this my hands shakes and I’m trying not to cry]

Unexpected Joy

Unexpected Joy

Something happened when I started this journey for change that I never expected. I was reconnected to the writer inside me. It is flowing free. I have started writing a story. [I’m not sure if it will be a book or a play.] As for right now I am writing this in play form [with tons of details] and then hope to go back and write in novel form. I am having so much fun writing this. The more I write in the story the more I feel like I am freeing myself. Hard to explain what that means but that is what is happening. It is an amazing process. I feel so creative and alive. I love it!!!!!!!  My story has a bit of myself in it but also a lot of what I am striving to become. It is a work of love on part as well. I can’t till I get work finished each day just to write again.

I have two main characters in my story that are shaping out to be amazing, intriguing, complicated, strong, inspiring, brave, talented, and wonderful. I love these characters. They are Melody and Dean. Both encompass the kind of human being I want to be. I can’t wait for it to be finished so I can introduce you all to these two.

I hope all who read this have a blessed and magical day. J

Off My Butt

Off My Butt

I wasn’t able to walk today nor do workout DVD due to having technical problems. So I did a lot of other work. The only problem is I sat all day to do this work. L I realized tonight that my legs and feet hurt [Not to mention my butt] from not being active today. So now I am cleaning my house from top to bottom. I know it isn’t a workout but it is not just sitting on my butt.

I hope everyone was off their butt today as well.

Inspired Again

Inspired Again

There are moments that no matter how hard you try you forget or lose sight of the goal or why you are doing something. Well that was happening to me. I have a couple friends who were asking why I hadn’t written any more blog updates. They also wanted to know why I seemed to be less motivated. I didn’t realize I had become less motivated. But I cause I had. No one reads my blogs [if they do they comment on them] and no one shares them so I feel like I was wasting my time on them. Then I had to remember that I was doing this for myself. I am not a waste of time. So I spent about an hour today and re read my blogs. I read my first blog and realized that I have made a lot of progress and should keep going and recording my journal for myself. [If anyone else reads this and is encouraged then that is an added blessing]

So I started here:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

And now I am here:

Further along this enlightenment path. I am 54 pounds and 56 inches liter as well. I am gaining a lot of energy each day. I am thrilled to say I am gaining confidence as well. I am really starting to like myself and that is a great thing.

My wish is that if anyone else reads this blog they learn this as well.

Getting back on the Track

Back on Track

I realize it has been a while since my last update and I am sorry. I really didn’t want to update because the news wasn’t happy. I have let myself down and didn’t want to share that. I don’t want to let my friends and family down who read this. I have had a rough two weeks. As far as losing the weight, I am still on the journey. I am still working out. Now could I have been a lot more proactive this past two weeks in this journey? Yes. I have slacked off a lot these past two weeks.

I have had a crappy time these past two weeks. I just am having trouble keeping it together. I have had 8 panic attacks in two weeks. I am so pissed at myself for having them. [I am having several issues that are personal and I can’t share due to family reads this blog] The attacks have gotten so bad that just the thought of leaving my house and going to the store with my mom sent me into one. It took me two hours to calm down enough to get in the car. [I am so glad she was late.] I then wasn’t good company for my mom to be around. I couldn’t deal. I sat in the back seat hoping she didn’t notice I was shaking. [I am so grateful she didn’t know.] I haven’t been able to leave my house for a walk either. This makes me even madder at myself because that is part of my exercise routine.

So it has been a terrible two weeks for me. I was making such good progress and then this happened. I have no good news to share but I promised myself I would be honest in this blog no matter what so today I am biting the bullet and writing and sharing about my failures. It is so hard to be honest about the failures. But that is all part of embracing all aspects of myself.

I have stood back up and putting myself back on track.

 

Accepting Yourself Flaws and All

Accepting Yourself Flaws and All

I know I haven’t posted anything in a long time. I am sorry. I do have good a reason for not posting. I have been inspired on the story I am writing. I have been writing way into the night and then I’m waking up just to write some more. I’m loving, the creative juices that are running through me right now. It is an exciting journey to be on.

I am still working out and staying focused on improving my health. I love this journey as well. I find that I have so much more energy. I also have found it easier to stay in a positive mood when I work out. I just am becoming a happy person. [I like this because even I hated the grump I had become.]

I have also gotten addicted to Twitter. I have been on there actively less than two months and I love it. I use Twitter just for fun and encouragement and I have received both and then some from Twitter. I have shared my blog and story on twitter and gotten some wonderful words of encouragement from it. In fact, the inspiration for the next part of this blog comes from something that happened on Twitter.

The other day a Twitter friend of mine, [Tammy @Chase_N_Jon] responded to something that Donnie Wahlberg said and her comments stopped me in my tracks and started me thinking and really wondering about the words she wrote. Here’s her comment: “I always tell my kids Always accept and feel comfortable with your flaws, that way no one can ever use them against you.”

I wondered do I really accept or feel comfortable with my flaws. The answer was no. My whole life I have been made fun of for two things-1-My weight and 2-For having panic attacks. During my school years I was bullied and I felt so ashamed of who I was. It got so bad I had to be home schooled. I have never been comfortable with myself. I have even hated myself.

As you all know, I have come to the point in my life where I am changing and facing a lot of fears. But I still wasn’t comfortable with my flaws nor did I accept them. So I have done a lot of soul searching this past week. I really struggled with becoming comfortable with my flaws. I’d like to say I am but that wouldn’t be true. I am becoming comfortable with all of me even my flaws. [Yes even my flaws]

I realize that by being comfortable with my flaws I am not giving someone else the power to keep me down. I now have power over the flaws. So I have panic attacks to the point of no life yet. So I have eaten to hide my emotions to the point now I am fat. It is who I am right now but it isn’t who I always will be. So whatever you say about me I already know. I am me and that is wonderful. [Even my flaws]

 

Roller Coaster Week

The Roller Coaster Week

Well last week went from a high to a low. I felt like I was on a roller coaster. On the 14^th I achieved my first mile stone of 50 pounds gone. (51 actually) I was so thrilled and happy with this success. Then I had a breakthrough in the writing of the story I’m writing. I stayed up the whole night writing on Wednesday. Then Thursday I went to turn my laptop on and it wouldn’t work. Well all my writing is in the laptop. The articles I write about Walt Disney World, the story and a lot of pictures. I know nothing about what to do when a laptop doesn’t work so I started to panic because all I could see was all the work being gone. I had three panic attacks on Thursday. It was an all-around terrible day for me. This was made worse by the fact I have no cell phone so I wasn’t able to get online and stay in contact with my friends. [90% of my friends live out of state] I felt very isolated from everyone. I chat with the people who help me when I have the panic attacks or at my wits end. This was this way till Monday. I had 2 more panic attacks over the weekend. I was blessed to have my laptop fixed by a friend’s husband for free. YEA!!!!!! [I spent all of last night catching up with people and writing in the story.]

I have learned to have a backup of my story and a backup for the backup. [Well for anything I write] I realized while I didn’t have my support system at my fingertips I did survive on my own. It wasn’t easy and I hated it but I did survive. This is a great thing to learn.

When everything crashed around me

Everything Crashed Around

Well yesterday I got up and saw my to-do list and realized this was a busy day. I then turned on the computer [everything I needed to do had to be done online] and my computer went crazy on me. It would turn on but not do anything else. Well I got a bit stressed and tried turning it off and then turning it back on again. This did nothing to fix the problem. I started to get a bit worked up. I had an article to submit which the deadline was coming up. I had to work on my story that I am written. That's when the panic set in. MY story is on this computer that isn't working. OMG! My story. I have put so much time and energy into this story. What if I never see the story again. I turned the laptop off and turned it on again and this nothing to help me out. It was not working. My story is in this laptop that is not working. I am very upset now and crying. My hands are beginning to shake and I am getting more panic by the second. My story, the entire book I am writing is gone. Then I remember my articles for a couple of magazines are now gone as well. All of my pictures have been scanned and are on this computer. OMG!!!! My life is on this laptop that wouldn't work. I am now in total and complete panic. All I see is everything is gone. I am now trying to breathe and catch my breathe but I just am getting worse and now I can't focus on anything but the fact that I lose my work. I am so mad. I just want it all back.

I call my sister in a panic [she's a computer IT person.] I

then call my friend whose husband is an IT guy and leave them a message. I call another friend who answers, Thank God, and talks to me to hope me calm down and refocus. This took almost an hour.

Well the laptop is still not working. However, I have my story. He was able to go in and get it through safe mode and get it to a flash drive for me. I am breathing about that at least. I still can't get online because I have no laptop nor do I have a cell phone so I feel very out of touch.

I am writing this from the library computer on a time limit. This computer also keeps closing on me. URRRR!!!

So I won't be bale to Blog, FB, Twitter, or email for several days. I will miss you all and pray for my nerves to hold up because in the last 2 days I have had 3 panic attacks.

[I hate thee library computer there is a time limit and I can't think well with one of them.]

My Next Major Goal

My Next Major Goal

Yesterday I hit a huge mile stone in my weight loss part of the journey I am on. Since May I have lost 51 pounds J J I still have a LONG way to go. So my next goal is more than just a weight loss number.

1-Well of course I do have a number in mind. I want to get rid of another 25 pounds by December 31, 2013.

2-I am adding more exercise to my routine as well. I have a DVD that I will now do once a day. I will continue the walking and Sign-er-cise I do. I will do these everyday.

I am still excited about the 51 pound victory. JJ I am looking forward to this victory as well.

I DID IT!!!!!!! 50 pounds gone

I Did It!! JJJJJ

I had the personal goal of 50 pounds by October 15^th and guess what. I went from 469 in May to 418 today. I did it. I have lost 51 pounds. Excuse me while I celebrate here. YEA! YEA! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got rid of 50 pounds. I hit and broke through the first major mile stone for me. J J J J J

I have a new goal for this journey and will share it tomorrow. I have to go celebrate with my NKOTB 10 and dance through the house.

Thank you to my sister and brother in law for being there for me. My friends and family thanks you for going on this journey. I love you all. J J J

 

The Results of the Challenge with Jennifer

As you all know I was challenged a month ago to beat Jennifer 22 pound in a month weight loss. Well today is the end of the month. I didn’t beat her numbers. I still feel like I won though because I didn’t quit. I stayed focused and positive. I worked out, and gained so much confidence. I am blessed to have had this chance. I like having smaller goals to work towards to get the big goal achieved.

Tuesday is a big weigh in day for me because I am so close to achieving the first small goal of 50 pounds. I hope to have it done by Tuesday. I am working extra hard to reach this. [I hope to surpass it.] Will update soon.

Jennifer congrats on all your weight loss.

Another thing I have gained is I am learning not to be ashamed of me anymore. I forgive myself when I have panic attacks. I forgive myself for making mistakes. I am learning wonderful things about myself that I love. So yes I think I am winning on this journey I am taking.

What to write...... Week Goal

What to write......Week Goal

Well there are times like today when I just don’t know what to write. I mean I feel like I have nothing to report. My weight loss is still happening but is slow so something new to report is a L.

Well I do have some good news to report. To some this won’t amount to much but to me it is so important. I haven’t had a panic attack since October 3^rd. YEA!!!!!!

I am 4 pounds away from my first 50 pounds. So I made a neo pink poster to put up in my room and give me that extra push. I want to get rid of the four pounds by next Tuesday a week from today. So this is my challenge for the next week. Four more pounds by end of the week. Plus someone “R” said he has $100 for me when I hit it. J J J J J J J

So it is on. I hope everyone has a blessed week and what is your goal for the next week?

Blessings of Friends

Blessings of Friends

This week has made realize just how precious it is to have true friends. I have been blessed to have that this week and in my life. Since I have been honest with myself and friends about the panic attacks I have been blown away and honored by my friends support and love. It has touched my heart, soul and life in so many ways. It is so many things they do from just telling me hi, to listening, to being there and the biggest they didn’t judge me nor think I was crazy. I have a friend who lives in another state and still sat up with me so I didn’t feel so alone. I had one call and say “I just thought you needed someone to tell you, you’re loved.” To the cute pictures on FB and Twitter that make me smile or laugh or a call to tell me to breathe and smile because I am some body. This week three friends give me a ride no questions asked. I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends.

I want to say that I am grateful to my friends old and some new ones I have made recently. I love you so much. I do appreciate all the little things, big things and everything in between you do for me. I love you all.

Panic of the Night

The Panic of the Night

Last night was a night where the panic set in and once it was in I couldn’t get it out. It was a long night of just trying to refocus my mind and make myself understand I was safe. I was going to be alright. I didn’t do that for quite a while. After an hour of trying to talk myself out of the attack I decided to try something new and I started writing on Twitter to force myself to think. It didn’t work very fast but it did help. Below are my tweets from last night in order as they happened. What it doesn’t show is the time lapse between each one. All of these tweets were written in over an hour time. Here are the tweets:

1-Mind won't stop. Thought about tomorrow & all its stuff & now the panic set in wishing I could breathe. Hoping writing re focuses me 2 calm

2-Not working can't calm down. want to breathe everything is crushing &surrounding me. Want all to go away hate when panic set in need calmer

3-Thinking of my safe place & telling myself I am ok I'm safe not helping. Want to breathe & not shake hate being alone right now

4-Trying some music now "10" playing again trying to refocus mind to music only. Nothing else

5-Amazing how much music can help return you to calm. I can breathe easier again. Grateful for "10" by NKOTB right now. Going to just breathe

Here is what I put on FB:

Bad night. Mind won't stop. Can't refocus. Must calm down. Can't breathe. Why is everything crushing down upon me? I want it all to stop and go away. I can't breathe. I just want this to stop. My body won't calm down and can't refocus.

I just want to breathe.

It was a bad night all around for me. I wish I could explain it better what I feel when having panic attack but I haven’t found the words yet. All I know is the extreme fear and feeling of everything crushing you. I feel like everything is squeezing around me and I can’t stop it. And even that doesn’t describe it well.

I said I would be honest when I did this but let me say it is scary because then everyone knows what I have tried to hide for years. Letting the walls down is a good thing but scary as well.

My Night

My Night J

WOW I had a night. I was struggle really bad tonight. I had a lot of business that I had to do today and I couldn’t put off making a decision any longer. I am not good at decision making at all. I always get really worked up about it. I also couldn’t walk today still dealing with the fall I had a few days ago and my legs and ribs are in a lot of pain. I miss walking. But I was having a bad night. Plus not getting a lot of sleep with terrible memories keeping me up so I was having a terrible night. My nerves were shot. I was trying to just focus on other things because I didn’t want to have a panic attack again.

Then something happened that made me smile and smile and then just get in a much better mood. As you all know I am a New Kids On the Block fan. Huge Jonathan Knight fan. He is my hero. Well I was on Twitter [which I am still learning] and a friend pointed out to me that Donnie Wahlberg was following me. I didn’t believe her at first and then when I saw it I went a little nuts. OK I got excited. WOW made me just smile and so happy. I am it is DONNIE WAHLBERG. It is one of the New Kids on the Block. It was wonderful for me to have this happen. I know it isn’t Jon but I am still on cloud nine.

So I am grateful to a New Kid again for helping me. I just wish I could tell Jon thanks for saving my life in person. But hey when reach weight loss goals and go on the New Kids cruise as reward maybe I could tell him then. J

It Amazes Me

It is Amazing J

What amazes me the most about this journey I am on is how much my body and life is changing in small ways that add up. Let me explain:

1-As you all I know I am extremely over weight and moving around was something that took a lot of effort on my part. The pain from my hips down would be so bad sometimes I could barely move around my room let alone go for a walk. I am now able to walk around my neighborhood. Yes I still have pain in my legs but each day it is easier to do. I am walking better as well. I miss not walking when I don’t do it. I have never been like that before. This carries over into everyday activities of my life as well.

2- My overall health is slowly improving as well. I mean this in the physical, mental and emotional sense. The physical is more obvious. I am breathing better. I can move better. I am no longer this ugly shade of gray. [I am not kidding at times I looked gray] Amazing what having blood going through your body can do for a person.

The mental is not as easy to see but I notice. For example I haven’t quit and started something else. I am focused on making this work. I also have some confidence now. Each day it builds more and more. I am learning to be honest with myself and also how to forgive myself. As you all know I am struggling with panic attacks and I had a big one recently and was so mad at myself for letting it happen. But instead of shutting back into my world of safety I am still out here and I keep going. This is a huge change for me.

Emotionally I am able to say I don’t hate me anymore. There are aspects I don’t like and I am changing but I don’t hate me. In fact I am learning to like me. I might even say love me. [I have never said love me before.] I see this woman looking back at me in the mirror now I must say every day I like what I see more and more. I am allowing myself to be more open with people. I am not talking about strangers I am talking about family and friends. I am allowing myself to be love and I hope start to show more love to others. I have a huge hole in the brick wall I have had around my heart and life. I hope this whole keeps spreading and soon the wall is gone.

This is just a few of the things that amaze me on this journey.

Weigh In Update

Weigh in update J

Well I weighed this morning and have gotten rid of another pound. J That is great!!!! Brings my total in this challenge to 8 pounds. L However Jennifer there is still a little bit of time I might just beat your 22 pounds yet. That’s my plan and goal still. I refuse to give up on that win.

 

 

Now my total since May is 46 pounds. Now that is something to cheer about. I am 4 pounds away from my first 50 and major goal. JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

 

 

Wishing.......... I wasn't me

Wishing ……I wasn't me

Last night was terrible for me. Yesterday was a good day till about 10pm. I spent most of the day yesterday taking care of my roommate. [She has health issues] I made some major decisions about some issues I have been dealing with. I got a major part of my story the way I wanted it. It was a great day.

Well around 10 last night things changed. [I hate the night] My roommate needed me to help her with something. I did. After that everything went downhill. I don’t know why. I went to my room to work on my story and couldn’t even type because I was shaking so bad. I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was being suffocated. I couldn’t even think clearly. I tried to speak but no words came out of my mouth. I sat there like this for a long time. I kept trying to refocus my mind. I kept trying tell myself I was safe and I was going to be alright. I tried to focus my mind on the fact I was in my room. I was gripping the arm on my desk chair so tight part of it ripped off. No matter what I did I couldn’t get myself refocused. I couldn’t get myself to believe I was alright. Then the part I hate the most happened. I started crying. I mean crying uncontrollably. Then I really couldn’t breathe very well. My roommate heard me at this point and came in my room. She knew instantly I was having a panic attack. She sat in a chair beside me and very softly talked to me and kept talking to me for way over an hour till I was able to calm down. I was able to breathe again. I was able to think again. [I am very grateful my roommate hadn’t gone to bed yet.]

The rest of the night I was jumping and a nervous wreck. I didn’t sleep well at all. This morning I am writing this very mad at myself. I mean why did that happen last night? It shouldn’t of happened. I had a good day. I didn’t have to go anyway and speak or perform. I am so upset with myself for allowing that to happen.

I am writing this morning knowing that I missed church. [One of the few times I get to even see some of my friends] I missed getting to see my youngest brother and sister. I hate this sad of me. It is terrible. Right now I don’t feel like I have made any progress.

I have decided that all I have to do today is two things.

1- Meet my goal of being honest with this blog. [Done]

2- Do something out of the house. (A walk, yard work, something out of the house)

 

Workout says it all

Workout that says it all

Ever been working out or doing any other activity when you realize I am doing this so much easier than I use too?

Well this happened to me today. I was doing my normal workout realizing this was not big deal. I wasn’t struggling to do it. I was breathing so much better as well. I ended up adding two more songs [about 7 minutes.] to my overall workout. This is a great thing. J J J J J

So now I am looking to starting doing an exercise video again. I hope to make it through it.

Interesting

Interesting

I find it completely amazing how things can change in an instant. If you are afraid of spiders you might not want to read this post.

Yesterday I was bitten by a spider. I have no idea what kind. It was a little bitty black one is all I know. I know it hurt like fire when I was bitten. It was in my left hand right under my index finger. UHHH! For a bit there I was scared it was bad and I would have to go to the ER but it didn’t. Just a small area of my hand hurt. [It doesn’t today]

I went on about my business yesterday and thought nothing more of it. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I kept waking up screaming because I was dreaming about getting bite and eaten by spiders.

Today was going along good. I was getting a lot of writing done when I felt something on my neck and then my back. I jumped up and screamed convinced I was about to be bitten by a spider again. I looked around trying to find the spider and found my cat with his fur standing straight up in the air. He was sitting on the back of my chair propped up against me and the chair. OPPPPPS I scared my poor baby to death. He still hasn’t let me near him.

So the day of making progress with writing in my story has now been derailed by an imaginary spider.

Day 12 weigh in

Day 12 weigh in

Well I know this was supposed to be on day 11 but I forgot to do it.

I am sick this morning so I almost didn’t do this. I have lost another pound YEA!!!! J

I am making this short because I am really sick. I wasn’t able to go church today due to being sick.

Signing off to rest.