Wishing.......... I wasn't me

Wishing ……I wasn't me

Last night was terrible for me. Yesterday was a good day till about 10pm. I spent most of the day yesterday taking care of my roommate. [She has health issues] I made some major decisions about some issues I have been dealing with. I got a major part of my story the way I wanted it. It was a great day.

Well around 10 last night things changed. [I hate the night] My roommate needed me to help her with something. I did. After that everything went downhill. I don’t know why. I went to my room to work on my story and couldn’t even type because I was shaking so bad. I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was being suffocated. I couldn’t even think clearly. I tried to speak but no words came out of my mouth. I sat there like this for a long time. I kept trying to refocus my mind. I kept trying tell myself I was safe and I was going to be alright. I tried to focus my mind on the fact I was in my room. I was gripping the arm on my desk chair so tight part of it ripped off. No matter what I did I couldn’t get myself refocused. I couldn’t get myself to believe I was alright. Then the part I hate the most happened. I started crying. I mean crying uncontrollably. Then I really couldn’t breathe very well. My roommate heard me at this point and came in my room. She knew instantly I was having a panic attack. She sat in a chair beside me and very softly talked to me and kept talking to me for way over an hour till I was able to calm down. I was able to breathe again. I was able to think again. [I am very grateful my roommate hadn’t gone to bed yet.]

The rest of the night I was jumping and a nervous wreck. I didn’t sleep well at all. This morning I am writing this very mad at myself. I mean why did that happen last night? It shouldn’t of happened. I had a good day. I didn’t have to go anyway and speak or perform. I am so upset with myself for allowing that to happen.

I am writing this morning knowing that I missed church. [One of the few times I get to even see some of my friends] I missed getting to see my youngest brother and sister. I hate this sad of me. It is terrible. Right now I don’t feel like I have made any progress.

I have decided that all I have to do today is two things.

1- Meet my goal of being honest with this blog. [Done]

2- Do something out of the house. (A walk, yard work, something out of the house)