Well today was the kind of day where I just don’t
know what happened. I woke up late and in the process of trying to ready to go
to church I just felt like I suddenly hit a brick wall. I couldn’t breathe. It
seemed like I had the entire world pressing down upon me. I hate when this
happens. I just stood there unable to do anything. It took me almost 25 minutes
to refocus enough to finish getting ready for church. Well I made it to church
but was just so jumpy all through Sunday School. I had to grab a notebook and
just write in order to keep from just running out of the room. I just wanted to
leave the room.
After class this got worse and worse. I was unable
to answer all the questions that people kept coming up and asking me. I tried
to just sit in the back but it wasn’t working. I wasn’t even able to talk to my
little sister (she 9) who just wanted to sit with me. I finally told her did
she have someone else to sit with and went down stairs in the fellowship hall
and sat in the dark for most of the service. I couldn’t get it to stop.
I was finally okay and turned on some lights and
then realized that church was now over. I missed everything. So I then went and
made lunch for the planning meeting I had after church for the youth. UHHHH
There are people who don’t understand what I mean when
I say “I felt like the weight of the world was on me” I literally mean I feel
like the world is trying to get me. I feel like someone is trying to suffocate
me. I feel like the air is gone. I feel like there is no way out or nowhere
safe. I battle this feeling every day. Sometimes just going to the store or
even more simple as walking to my mailbox that is across the street from my
house is a major battle. Then there are days when it is just fine. There are
moments when I feel like I can conquer anything. I am able to be in front of
people and perform, give a speech, or interpret. Then there are moments where I
want to just hide. I want the world to leave me alone. I want people to stop
asking me to make a decision, asking me questions, or wanting me to do
something. Moments where I just sleep because when I sleep I don’t have to make
a decision, I don’t have to answer questions, I don’t have to do anything.
Like today, after the planning meeting where I didn’t
use half my ideas [Because I couldn’t share them] I came home and went to bed.
I shut myself in my room and just slept. I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t
eat or drink or even talk to my roommate. All I did was hide in my room. I just
couldn’t face doing anything. I woke up about 7pm and writing this blog post is
all I have done. OHHHHH I hate days like this.
Tomorrow is a New Day J
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