Panic of the Night

The Panic of the Night

Last night was a night where the panic set in and once it was in I couldn’t get it out. It was a long night of just trying to refocus my mind and make myself understand I was safe. I was going to be alright. I didn’t do that for quite a while. After an hour of trying to talk myself out of the attack I decided to try something new and I started writing on Twitter to force myself to think. It didn’t work very fast but it did help. Below are my tweets from last night in order as they happened. What it doesn’t show is the time lapse between each one. All of these tweets were written in over an hour time. Here are the tweets:

1-Mind won't stop. Thought about tomorrow & all its stuff & now the panic set in wishing I could breathe. Hoping writing re focuses me 2 calm

2-Not working can't calm down. want to breathe everything is crushing &surrounding me. Want all to go away hate when panic set in need calmer

3-Thinking of my safe place & telling myself I am ok I'm safe not helping. Want to breathe & not shake hate being alone right now

4-Trying some music now "10" playing again trying to refocus mind to music only. Nothing else

5-Amazing how much music can help return you to calm. I can breathe easier again. Grateful for "10" by NKOTB right now. Going to just breathe

Here is what I put on FB:

Bad night. Mind won't stop. Can't refocus. Must calm down. Can't breathe. Why is everything crushing down upon me? I want it all to stop and go away. I can't breathe. I just want this to stop. My body won't calm down and can't refocus.

I just want to breathe.

It was a bad night all around for me. I wish I could explain it better what I feel when having panic attack but I haven’t found the words yet. All I know is the extreme fear and feeling of everything crushing you. I feel like everything is squeezing around me and I can’t stop it. And even that doesn’t describe it well.

I said I would be honest when I did this but let me say it is scary because then everyone knows what I have tried to hide for years. Letting the walls down is a good thing but scary as well.