Honesty and Frustration

Honesty and Frustration

I said when I started this blog I would be honest. Well today being honest means I feel like a failure. I really do. I have failed at this again. URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

You see my scale has been broke for several months now. I been weighing at friends or public places. I got mine fixed today and stepped on it. I hate myself right now. I truly do. I have gained all but 6 pounds back. I have failed yet again.

I don’t know understand this. I’ve been walking, doing the Richard Simmons DVD’s, drinking water and yet I have gained it back. WHY??????

I’ve lost inches. I’ve been measuring that. I’ve gone down in my clothes and yet I’ve gained the weight back. WHY?????

I really am a failure. I hate this. The whole reason I was going on to this concert was I had lost the weight. [That and I love NKOTB] Now the weight is back. I feel like if I go it will be a lie.

I HAVE FAILED YET AGAIN!

I really don’t understand anything about this situation right now. I haven’t achieved anything. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To see where I began this journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
If you want to follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

Oh My Stupid Nerves

It is getting closer to the time I travel by Greyhound bus to Dallas to see NKOTB. The closer it gets the more excited I become. I’m still adding to my workouts and walking. I’m determined to do this.

What worries me, is my nerves. Oh how I hate my nerves. They do tend to get in the way. [If I let them.] Everything about this is not something I’m used to doing. It is an unknown for me and that makes me nervous.
I have a ticket but not sure if I have a sit. Let me explain. I was told by American Airlines Center that I had to buy my ticket first and then they would help me arrange a sit. I explained my size and weight. I explained I needed a chair without arms. I was told then buy a floor sit. We can change it after you buy it to ensure you’re at the end of a row. Call us back after you get the ticket. That is what I did. I have tried on several occasions to get the ticket exchanged. I can’t. I’m in the middle of a row. Not good as I take up two seats. I have now been told I will be moved to a sit I can sit in but it is on first come first serve bases as where you will be seated. I could end up much further back then the floor seats. Plus I might have to stand the entire time. Now you see why this is embarrassing and unnerving for me. I don’t know what will happen. [This only adds to my nerves.]
I have had horrid experiences in my past going to events where other guests there and the staff have treated me like dirt and were just mean to me. I hope that this is not the case for this concert. I have worked hard at losing weight and getting things on a healthier path. I know I have a long way to go. I’m just letting my nerves get the better of me right now. I’m worried I’m going to have a panic attack at this concert. I always feel so worthless when I have them. I’ll also be there by myself.

Yes I’m still excited about going but man my nerves are killing me.

To see where I began my journal:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

If you want to follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

Keep Going, Even Though......

Keep Going, Even Though…….

I have a new laptop. I’ve been without one for just over a month. I misses having a laptop. I do like having the tablet but it has a lot of limitations. The biggest being not able to use it for writing blog postings and working on my story. I missed doing these postings. So let’s not waste any more time and catch up.

I’ve been working hard on achieving my long term and short term goals. My first short term goal is approaching fast. The NKOTB concert is on May 14^th. The closer it gets the more excited I become. I still have my doubts as if I will be able to sit in the sits. The ones who read my blog know why I have concerns. I am sure I will be standing the entire time. [Even before the concert even starts.] I have continued to add to my walking time. I hate days where I don’t get a walk in. I also watch TV standing to get my legs used to standing that long. I’m able to stand the entire time I watch Blue Bloods. [I stand up a lot now to try and get my legs, knees and ankle.] I am happy to say that my legs are getting used to standing and moving. YESSSS!

I have to share this story. I was shopping with a friend of mine a few days ago. She is normally a much faster walker than me. She also can walk all over stores for hours and not get tired. We were going about our shopping when she suddenly stopped and looked at me. I asked her “What?” She replied “You are able to keep up with me. You are not tired.” I smiled because she is right. This is one of the moments in my life proved that I am on the right path.

Another sign is I bought new clothes recently and they were all a size smaller. Yeah!!!!!!! In fact my shirt could be a size smaller. This is great news to me. I’m looking forward to buying new clothes again because I know it will be a smaller size again. I’m looking forward to loosing enough weight that I can get into the fashionable clothes instead of the baggy oversized ones.

You might be wondering with the good news why the tittle of this post? I am losing more inches than I am pounds. I know inches are very important to lose and mean I am losing more fat but I do miss the numbers going down on the scale. The numbers on the scales are staying the same. I am growing impatient in this part of my journey but I keep getting told I need to be patience. The weight will start to come off again. My response is when? WHEN?

I am making progress in the story I am writing too. My writing is improving and I’m learning what is needed and what is too much. Trust me as a writer it is hard to cut your writings. I still love it when the creative energies are flowing free. Sometimes they flow faster than I can type. I am still in love with writing.
I still struggle with my nerves but I haven’t had a panic attack for a while. I’m still pushing myself and trying new things even if they make me nervous. I still worry about having a panic attack on the greyhound bus to the concert or during the concert. I do not want to embarrass myself by having a panic at the concert. I worry about things like this. I know that doesn’t help but I am working on changing that too.

I’m still traveling on this Journey of Change.
If you want to see where I began my journey check out my first blog: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

If you want to follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hangin' Tough Stil

Well I'm still going. I'm still watching what I eat and working out. I've also started working another job. This made scheduling time to workout hard let alone trying to blog. This got worse when my laptop screen broke. I no longer can see anything. It does still turn on. Thankfully I have someone who can get all my files off the laptop.

I am now learning the tablet that I got for Christmas. I like it but miss the laptop to do any kind of writing on. I finally gave in and forced ,myself to post this blog on my tablet. I'm still adjusting.

Important thing is I'm still doing all the steps to improve my life for the better. Yea!!!!!!!

Water Workout

Water Workouts!

I love the water workout classes I’ve been able to do lately. I was blessed to even attend some classes. Yes I did an hour long class twice now. Wish my schedule allowed for more. I have gone during open swims too and done all the exercise moves I’ve learned in class.
I’m using water weights and tensions to increase the workout. I’m really working my upper arms and shoulders. [My shoulders are burning as I write this.] I focus a lot on my hips/butt/gut/thighs. This is the area of my body that I struggle with a lot. I hate these areas on my body. I feel like I carry the weight of three extra people around and it is all in these areas. I was shown by one of the instructions some moves to help improve these areas of my body. I love doing them because I know how it will improve my body. However, I hurt right now. I’ve hurt every day for the past week. I’m feeling the effects of using parts of my body I don’t always use. OUCH!
I’ve also found a way to walk home that is a bit longer. I’m finding all kinds of ways to add to my workouts and achieve my goals.
If you’d like to see where my journey began read my first blog:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]
You can also follow my Twitter account:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

New Goals and Motivation....

New Goals and Motivation……..

Of course my ultimate goal is still a NKOTB Cruise. I was hoping to get on the 2015 cruise but two reasons kept me from going. 1-I didn’t lose the weight loss goal I set. I refuse to reward myself if I didn’t achieve it. I also know I let life & depression take over again. In all honesty I really didn’t earn this year’s cruise. 2- Honesty the finances didn’t allow for me to go this year. Not having a permit job for a while really does limit ones options. So my goals have changed due to an expected gift.
New Kids on the Block are touring again. Yes! I was gifted a ticket to see them in Dallas on May 14th. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I have a lot to do before I can enjoy this concert. Let me explain-
You all know I am an extremely large woman. I’ve been working on getting this weight off for a while now. Due to this problem I also can’t stand more than twenty minutes at a time without my legs and ankles hurting beyond belief. [A concert is much longer than that.] I also can’t sit more than thirty minutes without my legs and hips starting to hurt. [Again a concert is longer than that.] There is also the chair to consider. How to put this nicely? My backside is bigger than most chairs. This leads to chairs cutting off circulation in my legs. It also adds a lot of pressure to my hips and legs. If a chair has arms on it, forget it I can’t get into it at all. As you can tell I don’t go out much due to this fact. When I do I try to hide the fact that after a half I’m in pain. A lot of pain! I also get even more stressed out and nervous when I go to a place I don’t know. I start thinking about a whole list of things. What if there are arms on the chairs and I can’t fit into it? What if I have to ask for a different chair? What if there isn’t another chair? What if there are a bunch of people around me who are mean and make rude and horrid comments to me? [This has happen often in my life.] What if after buying my ticket and I can’t fit into the chair? What then? Will I be moved further back? Will I be turned away? [This has happened to me before too.] As I think all of these things I begin to get nervous and panicky. I slowly begin to shake. I start to feel this sick tight pressure in my gut and then in my chest. That leads me to another question. What if I have a panic attack? What if I have a panic attack in front of everyone? I always feel so ashamed when I have a panic attack in front of family or friends. I can’t begin to explain how ashamed or how much of a failure I feel like if I have a panic attack in front of people I don’t know. Oh God please don’t let me have a panic attack in front of everyone. [Can you start to see the problem here?]
In 2008 NKOTB reunited and went back on tour. I was going to go and see them in Dallas then. I had the money. I was so excited. I let all the questions and fears from above stop me. I didn’t go. I let fear, my weight and my panic attacks keep me from going. I bought my best friend in FL a ticket. She went for me in Orlando. [She is also a NKOTB fan.] She called me several times from the concert to let me hear them. She got pictures for me. She even bought me a t-shirt from the concert. She told me “I know you can’t fit into it now but you will someday.” I have missed NKOTB every time they toured. I told people it was due to the fact they won’t coming to AR. Or that I didn’t have the money. I never told people that I had someone who was going to buy my ticket every time. I always made excuses trying to hide the real reason. I just couldn’t risk having a panic attack in front of people. I couldn’t risk going somewhere and have people treat me horrible again. I couldn’t be made fun of again. I let fear and shame stop me from going.
Well not this time. I found out NKOTB were touring again. I asked the person who offered to buy my ticket before if they were willing to buy it this time. They were and they did. [Poor thing I bugged them every day till the ticket was bought.] I got the ticket.
Now back to the problems listed above. I have a plan on how to handle them.
1-How to fix the problem about standing more than twenty minutes at a time. I already can do a Richard Simmons DVD. I will continue to do that. I also have already added more walking to my daily routine. I’ve now added even more. I have also joined the gym/community center. I’m doing water aerobics and stretches in the water. Right now it is an hour but I hope to get up to two hours a day. I walk there and home. I’ve also started watching TV standing up. I’ll move from side to side. I watch TV standing up to get my legs used to standing for longer periods of time. [I will be standing at the concert.] I watch Blue Bloods standing for two rounds of commercials. Then I sit till the next round of commercials. I do for every TV show I watch. My goal is to do this for the entire show. [I do this for any other TV show I watch too.] By February is to be able to watch Amazing Race, Hawaii Five-O, and Blue Bloods standing and moving the entire time. This will add endurance to my standing time. [Of course still do this for any TV I watch.]
2-The fitting into the chair concern. I already know that the chairs will not have arms on them. I was able to get a floor sit. I tried for an aisle sit but wasn’t able to do that. [I’m hoping the people beside me understanding and not rude.] I’m already exercising and working on losing the weight. This concern is being taken worked on. I don’t know how to calm my nerves on this issue. I’ve been to concerts or events in the past and people I have sat beside have made some mean comments about my size. [Let’s just leave it at that.] I have flown and bought my two seats and still had the third person complain about me sitting there. I’m just worried about what the people sitting beside me will do. There wasn’t enough to buy the second ticket. I know I’ll be standing the entire time because if I sit I’ll take up too much space. I’m still very worried about how people will act towards me. My history in this area hasn’t always been good. This one I’m still working on.
3-The fear of having a panic attack, I don’t know how to change this one. It could happen. It could not happen. I keep telling myself to focus on the fact I’ll see NKOTB in concert. Only focus on that. It helps but in the back of my mind there is always this fear of having a panic attack. I’m still working on this one.
4-I’m also taking a greyhound bus to the concert. It is a six hour trip. I’m changing for the concert at the station then going to concert and taking bus home. This is going to be a long day. But worth it to see NKOTB. All the steps I’ve taken to improve my health will help me on the Greyhound bus. I’ll be able to handle all the travel much better. [Thankful for MP3 player.]
As you can see I have a lot of things I am working on to be able to go to this concert. This is my first major goal. I will be able to do this. I know I will. I’m in count down mode till May 14^th. I’m going to enjoy the concert. Who knows maybe I’ll even be able to hug Jon. Hey I can dream.
I have to close this blog posting because I have a water aerobics class to walk to.
To see where my journey began read my first blog:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

First Day of Morning Swim, Kind of......

First Day of Morning Swim, Kind of…….

I was all set to get up and start my new week off right with a morning swim. I want to make this part of my routine. [I can hear people who know me laughing because unless I’m at Disney I’m not a morning person.] My alarm went off. I hit snooze. I did this a lot. I realize at 6:50 I was now late. I slowly got out of the bed. I dragged myself around and got dressed. I was mumbling the whole way.
I get my ear phones on and walk out the door at 7:10. I decide I’ll walk a different way. [What was I thinking?] This new way is longer but also uphill most of the way. UGG! I had to stop several times. It took me a while to get to the community center. I went so out of the way. I walk in there and it is already 7:45. [I was supposed to be in the pool at 7am.] I signed in and one of the people in the front asked if I was the Disney lady. We talked about how to make the most of her Disney vacation. [This was a mistake because I talked to her way too long.] I looked at the clock and realized it was now 8:10. I changed and went in the pool. I made it. A few minutes into it my leg got a cramp in it. OUCH! It took me five minutes to get it to pass. By this time it was time to get out of the pool. [I was frustrated with myself.]
I get out of the pool shower and come home. This was kind of my first morning swim. Tomorrow no snooze button.[Well maybe just hitting it once.]

Now time to fill out applications and find a job.
To see where my journey began:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy