Well I Did It....

Well I Did It…………………………………

Today I finally brought a gym membership. It is a small community center gym but a gym. I bought my first month membership today. I then went about my day. I had lunch with my mom. Came home did some things around the house. Then I got ready for the gym. I broke down.
The gym I joined has a heated pool. I’m adding water aerobics to the routine I do already. The water is heated plus is low impact on my body. I knew that it would be good on my body. I got a swim suit on line several years ago but never used it due to not feeling comfortable. I put it on today. I looked in the mirror and lost it. I looked worse than I thought I did. I felt very much like a fish out of water. I swear I wasn’t going to go. I felt like I was horrid.
I haven’t worn anything but knit pants and oversized blousy knit tops for almost 15 years now. So now I was wearing a swimsuit with a low cut back. I felt naked and exposed. You could see all of my fat on fat. I hated seeing myself in the rolls of fat. I said “I am not going!” I was crying and began shaking. My mind flashed back to Jr. High and all the times I was made fun of in gym classes. I was beginning to get all shook up. I was starting to shake. I was determined not to go. My roommate reminded me of my goals. She reminded me of how I could do this. She said if the top is bugging you then wear one of your baggy shirts to swim in. She even went and found me one. She made me remember my goals.
I took several deep breaths and packed my duffel bag for the gym. I put on my ear phones and walked to the community center. I went in and signed in. Then I went to the locker room to change. [Locker rooms and I have bad memories for me.] I started to get upset again. I went in and just didn’t think. I changed clothes and went to the pool. I went in and got in the pool. The first five minutes I stood off to the size just moved my legs around. Then I felt fine. I went to deep end and just swam and also worked out my legs and arms. I loved it. I was able to move and do far more than I ever did. I loved it. I stayed in the water from 3 to 4:20. I got out showered and walked home.  I did it.
Now I have a way to walk in a safer neighborhood, do Richard Simmons DVD’s and swimming and water aerobics. I’m excited about how this new venture will add to my change to healthy.
I have a huge goal coming up on May 14^th. Adding to my workouts will only make achieving this goal and enjoying this goal more enjoyable.
To see where my journey began:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

It's Been a While....................

It’s Been a While…………………….

First of all I somehow got locked out of my account but thankfully that is not an issue anymore.  A lot has happened and yet not much has changed at the same time.
In September and all through October I was sick. It became pneumonia. I was giving antibiotics and steroids to take. It was a ten day dose. They didn’t do anything to kick it. [It did make me gain weight back.] The doctor said I needed another round. I explained concern of gaining weight so he tried a different steroid. It was another 10 day dose. It didn’t help a lot. [I did manage to gain weight again.] I was still extremely sick. By this time I was also weak and very dizzy. I went back to the doctor again. He put me on another round of meds. I explained that it was only making me gain weight. I gained twenty two pounds back. It was really making me worry and depressed that I lost this weight and had so much come back so easily. He said get well then you’ll go back to losing weight. Your weight will come off quickly after you’re well again. I finally agreed to take another 10 day dose. It did nothing. [Again I gained weight back.] Doctor’s answer was well let’s try another round. [I’m extremely mad by this point.] I told him no. I’ve taken three ten day’s dose and in 30 days it did nothing but make me gain 35 pounds back. NO! I was prescribed nothing. I was still sick.
I got a job finally. That did a lot to boost my confidence. I started to feel like I might get back on my feet again. [What people don’t know is I hadn’t a job in a long time. People dismissed me a lot due to my size.] I finally had someone who saw past my size and saw my skills. It was a part time job. I was so excited to have this job. I felt my days of standing in food banks lines or having to ask family were over. [Yes times were that tough. I have a place to live because a friend can’t live alone. Otherwise I’d be without a place.] The job was going great. I’d go to work and then crash when I got home due to still being sick. I’m ashamed to say exercising went by the waste side. I worked hard on helping my new boss merge with a new company. At least the job market was picking up.
By end of November I finally was well again. I also had a plan on how to make it with money. Well then we found out our landlord was losing the house to the bank. We had to move. This was not something we could do easily. I went looking for a place. Took me about two weeks but I had us a place. A week before Christmas I lost my job. The merge was in place and the new company couldn’t use me. The wind was knocked from my sails. I hung up the phone and cried. We couldn’t afford the new place any more. The search for a new place to move in January was on. Finally found something. It was a God send.
Also during this time I was so depressed due to gaining some of the weight back. I was also worried about finding a place to live. I’m ashamed to admit this but I fall back into my old ways. I let the depression take control instead of me taking control.
We did get moved in. However the next Tuesday I was standing in a food bank line. This was a huge blow to me. I felt like I had made no progress. I was grateful that I got the food. [Even though it was mostly cookies, cakes, and other snack food.] I still felt like I was on the downhill slide again.
I got access to my blog again but didn’t want to write because I had failed again. I kept pushing it off but then I remembered when I started this blog I promised I’d be honest. So here I am writing an update that isn’t good but it is honest.
Good things about where I live now. I’m on the bus line. I can catch it at two places near my house. I can also walk three blocks to the bus station and catch any of the bus lines there. This is a wonderful thing for job searching. It is also in an area that has sidewalks everywhere. This is good for my walking. I’m looking forward to starting that again. It is also a block and ½ from the community center that has a heated pool where I can start water aerobics. I’m looking forward to doing this.
Well this is where I am at right now. The important thing is I am still here and still going. I’m getting back up.

To see where I began my journey:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

To follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

 

Words

Power of a Word

Words are very powerful. Word can inspire, move, motivate, and encourage us. Word can also hurt, teardown, destroy and bring us down. Words are something we all have the ability to use. Words express what we feel. Words express our thoughts. I’ve been thinking a lot about words lately. As you all know, I’m writing a story. I’m also writing this blog. I also teach a youth class where I plan lesson plans and chose my words carefully.

This past Wednesday I thought a lot about words because someone replied to my Facebook Status and used two words that tore at me. These two words hurt me because of a negative history I have with these two words. “Flip Out” I hate these two words.

Last Wednesday I was working on lesson plans I had used and was going to use for this year. I had them all organized. I also had them saved on my laptop. I deleted one picture and lost the entire file. [I didn’t realize this had happened and I deleted my recycle bin.] Later when I went to pull up the Lesson plans they were gone. I wasn’t a happy person. I looked everywhere for them. I was starting to panic a bit because in less than an hour I was going to using one of those lessons for my youth class. I had no lessons to use. NONE! Everything was gone. A year’s work was gone. The beginning prep for next year’s lessons was also gone. I got a little more panicked. I was going to face a classroom of youth with no lesson. [I wrote it out so I wouldn’t have to remember.] I was panicked. I was upset.

I posted this on Facebook.

“I can't breathe right now. URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I had my Wednesday night Youth Lessons that I had on my computer. The lessons for the entire year. The lessons plans I made, the workbooks, I made the bulletin board ideas and plans, notes about what worked this year & what didn't. Game ideas. Activity ideas. I had started planning for the next year. It is all GONE! GONE!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I deleted several pictures & files. [Other things I didn’t need] I then deleted the recycle file.
WELL NOW I CAN’T FIND MY LESSON PLANS!
I’ve lost everything. I had just organized & now I lost everything! Everything!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I lost tonight’s lesson too!!!!!!!!!! I’m winging it tonight!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I’m trying to calm down. I’m shaking  and can’t breathe very well right now.

I’ve deleted the comment that upset me because it said “Before you flip out…” [I don’t want people to know who sent me this comment.]

I have panic attacks. I have anxiety issues. I do not flip out. I hate that people use this word to describe someone having a panic attack. I hate when they me or anyone else having a panic attack-“Don’t flip out” or “Calm down before you flip out”. I don’t flip out. I have panic attacks. There is a difference.

I think the term “flip out” is not appropriate to describe a panic attack. 1-I do not do a front flip, a back flip, or any kind of a flip when I’m having a panic attack. 2- “Flip out” has a negative condemnation associated with it-implies that you’re crazy. [I’m not]

I have heard the words “flipping out” or “Marie has flipped out again” or “whatever you do don’t flip out” or “Just breathe before you flip out” all my life. I hate the words “flip out” because it is not what I do. I have panic attacks. I have moments where I feel like the word is crushing me to death. I’m consumed by dread and fear. I can’t focus and I struggle breathing. My heart feels like it is beating so fast it will pop out of my chest. My hands are sweaty and I’m short of breath. I sometimes have to fight the urge just to run off and hide. However, I am not flipping out.

I ask that before you tell someone who is having a panic attack to not flip out to think about how insulting those words are and how you’re making it worse. Please try to use other words. I have a friend who refocuses my brain. She points out I am safe. She has me look around the room to realize I am safe. She slowly refocuses my brain. She changes my thought process. Try doing this next time you encounter someone having a panic attack. But please don’t treat them like they’re flipping out.

To see where my journey began read my first blog: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

To follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

 

 

I then deleted the recycle file.
Well NOW I CAN'T FIND MY LESSON PLANS!
I've lost everything. I just had it organized & now I lost everything! Everything! URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
I lost tonight's Lessons too!!!!!!!! I'm winging it tonight!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'm trying to calm down. I'm shaking & can't breath very well.t need.] I then deleted the recycle file.
Well NOW I CAN'T FIND MY LESSON PLANS!
I've lost everything. I just had it organized & now I lost everything! Everything! URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
I lost tonight's Lessons too!!!!!!!! I'm winging it tonight!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'm trying to calm down. I'm shaking & can't breath very well.t need.] I then deleted the recycle file.
Well NOW I CAN'T FIND MY LESSON PLANS!
I've lost everything. I just had it organized & now I lost everything! Everything! URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
I lost tonight's Lessons too!!!!!!!! I'm winging it tonight!
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'm trying to calm down. I'm shaking & can't breath very well.

Untitled

No Tittle

I know I haven’t written on here in a while. Ok it’s been a long while. Things in my life have gotten upside down. [I know that is weird but that is the only way to describe it right now.]
Since August I’ve been sick. I do not know what it is but I’ve been sick. I’ve kept a fever between 99 and 101. I’ve been weak and dizzy. First doctor said it was upper respiratory infection. Two weeks later told me it was pneumonia. I was given a total of three rounds of antibiotic and steroids. I was still with whatever this is in the end of September. I followed doctor’s orders. I rested. I didn’t work out. I didn’t do my long walks. I stayed away from people due to the fever. I followed the orders and didn’t make any improvements. In fact all the medicine did for me was make me hold water and gain weight back. I gained a lot of weight back. This led to feeling depressed. I worked hard to get rid of the weight and it came back so easily on this medicine. I felt like I failed again. [If you’ve ever battled weight you know the feeling I’m talking about.] I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down because of this weight coming back. This caused me to just stop talking or writing about it. I couldn’t handle telling people I had yet again failed and gained weight back.
While this was going on I was still dealing with the no job or even the temp jobs. The no money issue keeps playing in my head over and over. This thought stresses me out. It also adds to my anxiety level. [This isn’t a good thing for anyone but for me it makes life even harder for me to face. When my anxiety goes up I start fearing I’ll have a panic attack. I also get even more afraid to face people or leave my house. [Horrid cycle]
The money and no job issue are heavier right now on my mind. If it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay with her I’d be homeless right now. I have no home. If my friend didn’t need someone to help her a little around the house I don’t know where I’d be sleeping. That is a scary fact to know about yourself. I’ve become a person who is grateful and ashamed. I’m grateful for help and ashamed for it. When you have to stand in food bank lines repeated in order to make sure you eat, one can get ashamed. When you have to keep asking your church to use their food bank it can make you feel ashamed. I felt so terrible that I didn’t have a job. I felt terrible that I had skills to do the jobs but was over looked many times due to my weight/size. I felt terrible that friends had to keep helping me out. I felt terrible because I had nothing to contribute/help anyone. I felt terrible……….. You can see where this cycle goes.
I was struggling and couldn’t get the words to come out every time I tried to do a blog posting. I felt like why write when there is nothing good. You are failing at your goals. Your nerves are getting the best of you again. Why share that? The only thing I’ve been able to write was in my story.
On October 16^th I started a part time job. I work 13 to 18 hours a week. It is a lot of new rules and procures to learn. I’ve worked three days so far. I want to continue to work. It gives me a start back to getting some debts gone and food in the house regularly. [A small start but a start back.]

Tonight as I write this I find myself shaking and crying. I feel very alone and isolated still. I still worry about climbing out of this whole of debt. I still worry about the fact I’ve gained weight back from medicine. I worry will that weight come off again. I fear I’ve let everyone down. I hate that I’ve failed again. I fear that this shaking won’t stop any time soon. I’m afraid that this panic will keep rising and tonight will be a long night. I’m that panic will still be there in the morning. I need to work in the morning. I wish I could just stop panicking.

Tonight is not a good one. I’m afraid the panic is winning tonight.

To see where I began this journey: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me on Twitter-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m on Facebook too- https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

 

 

The Journey

The Journey

I started writing this blog a year ago. I was encouraged to write about my experience and journey by family and friends. They kept continually telling me to do this. I finally gave in and started writing this blog. Now this blog doesn’t have very many readers. It doesn’t have many people who comment on it either. However, my friends and family were right it did help someone-me. It has been nice to go back and read the blog and discover the changes in myself both physically and emotional.

I am physically smaller but it is so much more than that. I have lost from head to toe 77 ½”. That changes ones view of them self. It has changed mine. I have lost 50 pounds too.  I know 50 isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things. [I have a lot more to lose.] I have gained energy and mobility. When I started walking was hard and hurt. I like to walk now. I find it to be relaxing and enjoyable. When I started I couldn’t even do three songs on an exercise DVD. I can do the whole DVD now. I feel energized and happier when I work out. I never knew that working out would help me be feel happier but it does. I’ve physically gained so much this year.
I have gained confidence. I’ve always lacked confidence in myself. I’m gaining more confidence every day. This was something I never planned on gaining. I like having confidence because it helps when you are living your life and facing so many of your fears and past head on. Having confidence in myself and my abilities gives me the push within to keep going.  I’ve built my confidence up to the point I’ve even gone after jobs that I wouldn’t have in the past.
Gaining confidence has awoken up my passion for writing and performing again. I’m doing something I have always wanted to do and I am writing a story. I have enjoyed this creative process of developing characters and plots. I enjoy this writing and look forward to finishing this story. I’m hopeful that it will be published. I’ve also written a Christmas play that my church will be putting on this year. [I’m blessed that it is being used.] I’ve started performing at church more. Being able to express myself creativity is a gift that I’m grateful and blessed to be able to enjoy.
When I think back on where I began this journey to where I am now and I say WOW! People have asked me-So this means you no longer have panic attacks? No I’ll always have them but I’m continuing to find a way to live my life with them. I don’t hide them anymore. I’m not ashamed of who I am any more. I accept I have them and now I LIVE with them.
To see where my journey began read my first blog:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow my journey on Twitter- https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m also on Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

Please Don't Quit!

Please Never Quit!

As someone who has tried to kill herself twice and as recent as of last year I was begging God to take me home because I was nothing to anyone here on earth, this is a blog posting that really is personal. As many of you already know I was in an extremely dark place. I felt like I was nothing. I felt like someone that could be thrown away. I was depressed. I was breathing but wasn’t alive. I was waiting for death. I was seeking it out because I wanted the heartache and misery to go away. The first time I tried to kill myself I was in the 6^th grade. The second time I was in the 7^th grade and had learned a lot from the first attempt.  I was more determined and serious.  
I understand the desperate feeling of wanting all the pain I felt on the inside to go away. I still find it hard to express just how desperate, alone, scared, confused, lonely, isolated, miserable, depressed, panicked, and I could keep going and never explain it enough to make someone who hasn’t been there understand. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. [I still struggle with that.] I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone of any use. I felt trapped. I felt like a prisoner. I felt like wherever I looked there was nothing but darkness wrapping itself around me. The darkness was wrapping itself around my hands and legs. It was chaining me to the spot I was at, like the prisoner I was. I felt like a freak because I couldn’t do anything without being afraid. I had so many panic attacks. I was nothing like anyone else I knew. [Yet with everything I just said I can never explain how horrid I truly felt.] To get a better understanding of where I was read my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
I’d like to say that when I was 13 and decided to not quit that my life got better. It took YEARS! I mean YEARS! I am 38 years old and finally believe I’m worth something. I finally am starting to like myself. I’m finally starting to make my life. I still have moments where the darkness and negativity tries to come out and take over again. It is something that will always be there. I know this. I have known new ways of facing my problems head on.  
If you are struggle with feelings of hopelessness and wanting to take your own life please I beg of you don’t. There is light around the corner. This corner may take years of traveling to find. I promise there is light. Never quit! I understand that right now all you see is darkness and pain. Let someone else point out other things for you. Let someone else tell you how wonderful you are. PLEASE! I beg of you. If I had killed myself I wouldn’t be here writing this blog posting. Reach out your hand to someone and let them help you find the light.
Here is the National Suicide Prevention Website:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Here is their number- 1800-273-8255 – 1-800-273-TALK
Reach out to someone who can help you.
If you know someone who needs help please don’t walk away from them. Please reach out and take their hand.
Now I sit here writing this blog thinking about all the things I would have missed if I had killed myself at 13 in the 7^th grade and again as an adult.
If someone hadn’t intervened I’d never seen:

1-I would have missed my siblings growing up into wonderful people. I have three beautiful nieces from my sister. I have a niece and nephew from my brother. I am very blessed to be their aunt.

2-I would have missed out on the moments of joy with my best friend since I was seven years old.

3-I would have never met Judi who has become one of my treasured friends. She helped convince me I was smart enough to go to college. Then she helped me every step of the way.

4-I would have missed out on doing the Disney College Program and then becoming a Campus Rep for the program.

5-I would have missed meeting Nikki and becoming friends and Disney Travel Buddies. I would have never had these magical memories I have now.

6-I would have never seen my mom bless so many through the work she does with homeless teenagers in our town.

7-I would have never enjoyed the joy of chasing down my dream of being a writer. I love this journey.

I’m going to finish this blog with something I post on Twitter a lot.  I talk a lot about being positive and helping someone out. It can be as simple as a smile. Trust me when I say a Smile can make someone’s day. It could go much deeper and have a huge impact on someone’s life. Please take the second it takes to smile and give a smile to everyone you cross paths with. You’ll be amazed at how this blesses your life in a positive way as well.
If you’d like to follow me on Twitter where I post about my Journey of Change
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
I’m on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

 

The Battle with My Old Self

The Battle with My Old Self

As much as I have been changing my life and becoming a positive person I must confess for three weeks now I have been battling my old self. You know the old me filled with self-doubt, self-hate, negative, letting fears win, and the list of bad stuff goes on and on………….
It all started when I received a Direct Message [DM] on my Journey of Change Twitter account. It was from someone I knew. This person sent me an eleven part message telling me how they wished I would quit kidding myself and quit writing about my so called journey of change. They told me they couldn’t see any change in me. Couldn’t see where I had lost any weight or had even changed into a more positive person. This person went on to express their wish for me not to blog anymore. They knew I’d never reach my weight loss reward or go on the cruise. They also wished I’d stop sharing about a story I’m writing because it was never going to happen. There was a lot more that this person told me but I’m not sharing it.
I sat there reading this message and I read it several times. I was not happy. My feelings were hurt and I would say even crushed. I have known this person for a long time. I thought they were a friend. I was just stunned at this message. I spent several days reading this message over and over again. I started letting the old me take over. I started to feel like the things that were in that DM. So I didn’t blog anymore. I was battling my old self very bad. Then I tried to talk about this with some other friends and they dismissed me or told me to just get over it. They didn’t even listen to me. The old self really took over then. I began to think maybe the stuff in the DM was right. Maybe I was kidding myself. I was beginning to feel like nothing again. I went back to my old ways. Then I started thinking what if my family feels the same way? How many more of my friends feel this way? I began to retreat from everyone again. I started reading over my story. I began to doubt it. I was letting my old self come out in full force. I even gave in and began letting myself emotional eat. I was embracing my old self with open arms. I took down all my motivation posters and goal posters in my room. Then I started having problems again in other areas of my life. I started closing myself off again. I started not wanting to be social. My nerves were out of control and I was now too afraid of having a panic attack that I didn’t leave my house even to take a walk. I was truly being my old self.
I was reading the story I wrote and my female lead has panic attacks and was answering the question-“Aren’t you afraid of having a panic attack and falling on your face?” She answered-“Yes but if I thought about that I’d never have a life.” My own words were getting through to me.  I felt like I was kicking myself in the butt and I needed it. I read my blog from the beginning and realized I hated my old self because it was a person with no life. Nothing to show for myself. I remembered why I started to doing the Journey of Change in the first place. I started fighting my old self. I blocked the person who sent me the DM on my Journey of Change account on Twitter. I made myself take a small walk. I realized I have to keep changing for the better. I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. I have to keep going. Yes I have made a lot of small and wonderful progress but hey it is progress-Positive Progress. Yes I have a long way to go. I know this is going to be a long, long journey but one that is worth taking. I have put my posters back up on the wall. I have refocused myself and I’m forgiving myself for letting my old self come back and be in control for a while. I got knock down but I’m up again and continuing my Journey of Change.
To see where my journey began-http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
My Journey of change Twitter Account-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
My Facebook Journey of Change account-https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy