As much as I have been changing my life and becoming a positive person I must confess for three weeks now I have been battling my old self. You know the old me filled with self-doubt, self-hate, negative, letting fears win, and the list of bad stuff goes on and on………….
It all started when I received a Direct Message [DM] on my Journey of Change Twitter account. It was from someone I knew. This person sent me an eleven part message telling me how they wished I would quit kidding myself and quit writing about my so called journey of change. They told me they couldn’t see any change in me. Couldn’t see where I had lost any weight or had even changed into a more positive person. This person went on to express their wish for me not to blog anymore. They knew I’d never reach my weight loss reward or go on the cruise. They also wished I’d stop sharing about a story I’m writing because it was never going to happen. There was a lot more that this person told me but I’m not sharing it.
I sat there reading this message and I read it several times. I was not happy. My feelings were hurt and I would say even crushed. I have known this person for a long time. I thought they were a friend. I was just stunned at this message. I spent several days reading this message over and over again. I started letting the old me take over. I started to feel like the things that were in that DM. So I didn’t blog anymore. I was battling my old self very bad. Then I tried to talk about this with some other friends and they dismissed me or told me to just get over it. They didn’t even listen to me. The old self really took over then. I began to think maybe the stuff in the DM was right. Maybe I was kidding myself. I was beginning to feel like nothing again. I went back to my old ways. Then I started thinking what if my family feels the same way? How many more of my friends feel this way? I began to retreat from everyone again. I started reading over my story. I began to doubt it. I was letting my old self come out in full force. I even gave in and began letting myself emotional eat. I was embracing my old self with open arms. I took down all my motivation posters and goal posters in my room. Then I started having problems again in other areas of my life. I started closing myself off again. I started not wanting to be social. My nerves were out of control and I was now too afraid of having a panic attack that I didn’t leave my house even to take a walk. I was truly being my old self.
I was reading the story I wrote and my female lead has panic attacks and was answering the question-“Aren’t you afraid of having a panic attack and falling on your face?” She answered-“Yes but if I thought about that I’d never have a life.” My own words were getting through to me. I felt like I was kicking myself in the butt and I needed it. I read my blog from the beginning and realized I hated my old self because it was a person with no life. Nothing to show for myself. I remembered why I started to doing the Journey of Change in the first place. I started fighting my old self. I blocked the person who sent me the DM on my Journey of Change account on Twitter. I made myself take a small walk. I realized I have to keep changing for the better. I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. I have to keep going. Yes I have made a lot of small and wonderful progress but hey it is progress-Positive Progress. Yes I have a long way to go. I know this is going to be a long, long journey but one that is worth taking. I have put my posters back up on the wall. I have refocused myself and I’m forgiving myself for letting my old self come back and be in control for a while. I got knock down but I’m up again and continuing my Journey of Change.
To see where my journey began-http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
My Journey of change Twitter Account-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
My Facebook Journey of Change account-https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
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