Enough!

Enough!

First some important news. I have started a Twitter Account just for posting about Breaking Free of the Panic and weight. Here is the link if you’d like to follow it: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy  I am only posting positive things about Journey of Change, Living Healthy, Positive stuff, and this blog.
As most of you know, I have been on this Journey of Change for a while now. There are times when it moves super slowly and others it goes by so fast. I am in slow period right now. I feel like I have been here before. You see, due to some serious health issues I was told to do nothing but rest for a week which became 9 days. I was released and jumped back into the walking and exercise where I left off. BIG MISTAKE! I paid for it. I am still battling the low blood count and iron count so I didn’t have the energy to do a lot. It got worse the more I pushed myself. Well I got so dizzy and had to sit down. I was done for the whole day. This was a huge blow for me. It really got to me physically and emotionally. I felt like I went backwards. I felt like I had failed yet again. I was just so upset! [I had gotten to where I would take a walk when I felt this bad but that wasn’t happening.] This really weighed heavy on my mind. Then the next morning, I weighed again and had gained back some of the weight. I was warned it might happen for the first month on this medicine until my body adjusted to it. But all I saw was a scale that went up and not down. My mind heard all those negative thoughts again. I heard all the people telling me I couldn’t do it. We all have family and people like this. I started letting self-doubt come back into my mind. This lead to a lot of pure frustration and pain for me. The medicine is still making me sick which only added to things because my nights were spent in misery. Then the thing I dread the most happened.
I was determined I was going to just keep going and I can do this. Well I got up and said I’ll take a small walk around my neighborhood. I got my MP3 player and opened the door and walked outside and then it hit me. The thing I fear most of all happening, happened. I had a panic attack. I could move. I was hit with this wall of dread! It was an all-consuming fear that was pushing me back. I felt like it was crushing me from all sides. My mind wasn’t able to think beyond this fear. My heart was beating faster and faster. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. My body was even turning on me it was now shaking. Then the one thought beyond fear I had was run. Run away must escape this madness. RUN! So I did. I went back in my house and in my room. I stayed there for several hours. After I calmed down I became angry at myself. I had made a scene. I hate having a panic attack in public. I hate it more than I can ever explain. I had them in school and was made fun of and bullied beyond belief. I had to be home schooled because of panic attacks. I worked really hard at hiding them from my few friends I felt so ashamed because I had panic attacks. So when I had this one I just was so mad at myself.
Well I calmed down enough to start thinking clearer. Then I turned on my laptop and begin to write. I wrote in the story I’m writing. I wrote a scene where my main character was going through some major stuff and she just said ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Then stood up and took charge. [That’s all I can say about it without giving anything away.] It made me realize I had had my set back but enough. Get up and try again. Make it happen. I took a small walk around my neighborhood.
To see where my journey began check out my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

One Eventful Month

I’m sorry it has been a month since I wrote a blog post. As my tittle suggest it has been an eventful month. In beginning of the month my baby boy [my cat] started getting sick. He got really sick and on March 5^th I had to put my baby boy Tabby asleep. I rescued him out of a mouth of a bulldog out my apartment. He was being eaten alive. I almost got bit by this dog but I got the cat out of his mouth. I nursed him back to health. I had to move because I couldn’t have pets in my apartment. Tabby became my baby. The vet said he was about 2 ½  to 3 years old when I got him. I had blessed with almost sixteen years of him in my life. I miss him something terrible. As you all know from where I began this journey I didn’t get out much. I stayed home a lot due to anxiety and panic attacks. He was my constant friend.
To see where the journey began read click the link below to read my first blog.
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html  
I have been having some serious health issues for a while now. I was finally able to get into to see a doctor. I have been taking a lot of blood tests and other medical test since March 7^th. I know my way around the hospital pretty good now. I had to have a friend go with me to the doctor’s visit due to nerves. The doctor wasn’t understanding of anxiety issues at all. He asked how many times I had been locked in a mental ward for it. I do not like the doctor my insurance will pay for.
After a lot of tests here is what I know:
My blood count is very low. I mean literally half of what it should be. A person’s blood count should be 14 and mine is 7.

My iron is dangerous low. A person’s should be 125 and mine is 5. [Explains why I am always weak and dizzy.]

The medicine I was given for this makes me so nausea and dizzy. I feel like my stomach is punching me and mad at me every time I take this medicine.

I have some female issues [and due to the males the read this I will limit the details] that could be three different issues-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ovarian Cancer, or Uterus Cancer. They do know I have a cyst in right ovary. [There are more details but like I said I have some male readers who wouldn’t want to know more than this.] I’m taking two medicines to treat this and one of them makes me nausea as well. I can’t take the two together and have to wait about an hour and half between the two. I spend most of the morning sick to my stomach.

Then when I do eat it doesn’t help at all. I can only keep pudding, shakes, potatoes, and food soft like this down easily. The other stuff not so much. I eat the other stuff but it only makes my stomach hurt worse.

I had a Mammogram and then had two more and a breast ultrasound on the same day. I have three cysts on my left breast. Due to this being my first Mammogram insurance and doctor want to wait six months take another Mammogram and go from there. So I am in a waiting game for this one.

Someone asked me how I was doing on my weight loss and exercise and the answer is URRRRRR! The doctor ordered me not to exercise or do my long walks for at least a week. He hopes the medicine will help my iron count improve so I won’t be so weak or dizzy. I have hated not being able to work out or walk. I have missed it. It was a way to help me deal with stress and concern. It also helped me with nerves. The fact I can only eat super soft foods or drink shakes without making my stomach nausea and hurt doesn’t help with the diet at all. [The one super soft food I can’t get down is Jell-O. YUCK!]

Someone asked how my nerves were doing? The answer is I’m Hangin’ Tough. Yes this does affect me. I had a test on March 12^th and the entire time it was being done I laid there shaking and crying. I told the woman I couldn’t breathe. She had to stop the test and get me to calm down some. She was able to finish the test. So yes this is wearing on my nerves but I am Hangin’ Tough.

I have been writing in my story more as it seems to help keep my mind of things and not notice the pain my stomach and abdomen as much. The week is up tomorrow so I will be exercising and doing my walk. [I might have to modify both due to still feeling weak and dizzy a lot of the time.] I’m looking forward to having some of normal back.

Inches How I Love to See You Go!

Inches How I Love to See You Go!

As you gather from the title this is about the inches that I have lost. In have lost a lot! My body is changing! I mean that literally here. Let me paint you a picture here. My body is like riding a roller coaster. I have a lot hills attached me. I have way too many pockets of fat. [Rolls of fat] So getting an accurate inch lost can be hard. There are areas that you don’t measure but I see going down. [I have a huge bulge of fat over my left knee. I’m so ashamed over this but it is going down. Yea!] You don’t measure that but I see it. My pants fit better and I can move my knee better. This leads to me being able to walk easier and longer. That is amazing!
This next part of the article will have my sister and brother in law going DUH! They would be right.
As many of you know my sister, Chelley and her husband Dennis are my coaches in this journey of change. [They work for FIRSTFitness Nutrition] They both keep telling me to Drink Trimbolic. I have never been able to get it down due to the taste. Well I finally gave in and got a shaker to make it right and I’m able to drink it. I would mumble and complain because I still hate the taste of it. Then I started noticing my body was changing. The rolls of fat were shrinking. I kept drinking the Trimbolic. Then I measured today. WOW! I am a believer. I will drink the Trimbolic and not complain about it. [I can imagine the messages my FIRSTFitness Nutrition friends will leave now.]

Here are my measurements. It shows where I began and where I am now.

February 24, 2014
May of 2013 numbers in Red
Now numbers in Blue
Weight-                 469.5                               418 Loss of 51.5 pounds
Upper Arms-         L-21 ½” R-21”      L-18 1/4” R-18” Loss of 6.25” 
Chest-                    none                      49”
Bust-                      54”                        51” Loss of 3”                
Waist-                    53”                        49.5” Loss of 4.5”

Hips-                     79 ½”                     74” Loss of 5.5”             

Thighs-                  L-48 ½” R-46 ½”   L- 46 ½” R-46” Loss of 2.5”
Calves-                  L-26 ½” R-27 ½”   L-24 ¼” R-24 1/4” Loss of 5.5”
Total inches Lost is- 27.25” WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
What is not on here is the difference I see in my shoes. It may sound weird but I have lost inches in my feet. My feet! I have always had to be Wide Width and then extra Wide width shoes. I have big feet. Well no matter how tight I tie my shoes they have a lot of room in them. They are loose. They fit length wise still but width wise they are loose. I need new shoes! J
I love the inches I am loosing. I am so glad because inches are fat! Pounds are fat and muscle. I’d like the fat to go away!
Well I’m out of here got to do a walk.
If you like to see where I began my journey here’s the link:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

Valentine’s Day…Do I really need reminded of L-O-V-E?

Valentine’s Day…Do I really need reminded of L-O-V-E?

I have never really understood this holiday. The older I have gotten I have liked it even less. A day where we’re supposed to show love to the person we’re in love with. Really? Do we have to be reminded of this fact?

I’ll admit when I was younger I would love to get the cute stuffed animals that came out around Valentine’s Day. I liked the cards with different cute animals on them. I’d picture the latest guy I had a crush giving me a special Valentine’s Day gift. But as I got older I understood this day less and less. This year is no different for me. Well wait that is not completely true. I’ll admit that it would be nice to get a Valentine’s Day surprise. I started listening to all my friends talk about what they hoped they would get. I’d hear my single friends complain about being single for Valentine’s Day and I’ll admit even I started to feel bad for them and me. When they all find out that, outside of family [a few times], I haven’t gotten anything for Valentine’s Day in seventeen years they feel very sorry for me. I started to let it get to me. Then I decided that was just STUPID! You see I thought about it and there is so much love in my life. I can’t feel bad for myself. I started jotting down a few things and made a list. Then I realized that this would be a great Valentine’s Day blog posting. So here it is:

The L-O-V-E in Marie’s Life [That’s me]

I am very thankful to God for giving me all these wonderful people that have loved me in my life.

My parents-We have not always gotten along but I love them dearly. I’m grateful to have them.

My Siblings- Chelley I love you! I am very grateful for all the support through the years and especially this past year. You are a true blessing to me. Donnie my little brother I love all 6’ 5 ½” of you. Great to have a wonderful little bro like you. I’m grateful to their spouses who encourage me as well. To my other siblings A&K it’s great to experience life now through a 16 & 10 years old point of view.

My parents were foster parents to other children and I was blessed with some amazing extended family. I love you ALL! Thank you for loving me. No matter how short or long you were in my life.

I had the best grandma’s- Grandma Jerry, Grandma Graham, Grandma Mary and Grandma Sheffield- I love all of you wonderful ladies. I was blessed to know my great grandparents as well. I have some amazing Aunts and Uncles as well. Love you all.

I have the best nieces and nephews in the world. I love seeing them because they always make me smile.

I have been blessed to know my biological father since 2004 and his side of the family.

I was blessed with a wonderful lady, Mrs. Braddock who taught me sign language. I will always smile when I remember the gift you gave me. Later in life I was blessed with another great teacher Naomi. I love you both.

I have had some amazing friends in my life. I treasure them all. Sandra has been there since I was seven. Girl we have gone through it all together. I love you! Thanks for staying my friend even when I didn’t love myself.

Judi you are a great friend. I have learned so much from you. I am grateful for everything. I’m grateful that you let me crash in your house! I’m grateful your daughter and granddaughter have accepted me into their lives as well.

Nikki thanks for being there even at 3am for me. I love how we’re both Disney nuts. [Angela you’ll become one too I promise.]

I have a lot of friends I have made while working at WDW and I’m grateful to you all. We’re all over the USA and that nice to know I have friends across the country. [Even a few across the world.]

I have a church family that shows me a lot of love! I am very grateful for it. I’m grateful for the Youth class I teach as well because they have blessed me more than I think I have blessed them.

I have gained a lot of people that support me on both FB and Tweeter and I am very grateful to all of them as well. It is always nice to read the comments support to my blog or latest posting. Thank you.

As you can see, I have a lot of L-O-V-E in my life. I am a very blessed person.

When I finished writing this list I realized that I am truly blessed! I don’t need Valentine’s Day to show me love. I have it at vary levels every day in my life.

Since May of this past year I have been blessed to realize I have love in my life. I have also been blessed to love myself. I was in a pit of darkness for a long time. I was begging God to let me die. Then my little sister showed me honest and true love. She was so brave and did what needed to be done. I’ll always be grateful to you Chelley.

[To see where my journey began in May read my first blog:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]

This Valentine’s Day I celebrate love by living my life again. I chose to focus on the love all around me. I hope everyone reading this does the same. If you are down about not having that someone special in your life just make a list like I did and you’ll be surprised at how much love there is in your life. [My list is longer than I put on here] I wish you all L-O-V-E. Have a Blessed and Magical Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

My FANtastic Moment

My FANtastic Moment

As you all know, I am a huge New Kid on the Block [NKOTB] fan. I proudly call myself a Block Head [BH]. I have had a lot of many blessing since Thursday. I was followed by Danny Wood [NKOTB member] followed me on Twitter. I like following Danny because he always Tweets about his workouts and running. Danny is #LivingHealthy and encourages everyone that follows him to do so as well. There have been times when I see his Tweet- “Workout for the day done” and I’m reminded to work out or decide to work out again. I’m always encouraged to keep getting healthy by Danny’s Tweets. So when he followed me I was grateful. I had a little fan girl moment. I shouted “YES!” so loud I scared my roommate. 

Then there was the FANtastic moment of this afternoon. Today was a great day! I made a lot of progress in the story I’m writing, able to get a good workout in and I had a something wonderful happen to me. I’m having trouble writing about this moment. [Due to still being so happy.] Well today I logged onto Twitter and it showed I had a Direct Message. [DM] I clicked onto the messages and got a surprise. I had a DM from Jonathan Knight. [NKOTB Member] I just stared at the screen. I read it again. I double checked to make sure I was right about who sent it. I was right. Then I found myself screaming! [All the BH’s know what I mean by screaming. I was in fan mode.] I never expected a DM from him. Never! I was so surprised, excited and happy. I was walking on air for most of the day. [Ok I’m still walking on air.] Jonathan just responded to a comment I made about a picture he posted.  I was honored that Jon took time from his vacation to respond to me. I know he has no idea who I am. I know he doesn’t know that he saved my life. I know he doesn’t know how much he inspires me. I know that he doesn’t know he is my hero.  But I’m just honored he took a moment to send me that DM.

[To understand how he saved my life read how my journey began:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]

Let’s just say I am even more motivated to achieve my weight loss goal and go on the NKOTB cruise in 2015.  I am very motivated for my smaller goal of 50 pounds by May 14, 2014. I’ll reach it. I know I will.  Now I am adding to my walking and my work outs. I’ll be writing about that soon.  I hope you all have a blessed and magical day!

Choices- I choose to Keep on Smiling….

Choices- I choose to Keep on Smiling….

Well Gang I was in Wal-Mart today shopping. I was picking up the list for my roommate. [Who I help care for.] I was minding my business and trying to give a smile to everyone I pass. [Because you never know who just needs a smile] Anyways, I was putting some sugar in my cart for some Valentine’s Day baking when I felt a hand on my shoulder and someone pressed up against me and my shopping cart. I turn to see this woman there. She looks at me and says “Hun if you keep eating things with sugar in them you’re going to keep getting bigger and bigger. You can’t afford to get any bigger.” [Imagine how angry I am at this point. Also imagine how closed in I am feeling.] The woman doesn’t move. She is still blocking me in. She still was pressed up against my cart and me. I look and realize that everyone on the aisle was now staring at me. I started to feel closed in. The more I saw people staring at me the more I felt like everything was crushing in on me. I noticed I was now even breathing more heavily. I realized I was also so pissed off I still couldn’t say anything back to her. Ok now my hands were shaking. All I could think was RUN! GET OUT OF HERE! I then started thinking people are going to think you’re crazy! I tried took one step to walk away but she didn’t move. She asked me “Are you still going to buy the sugar? You know it will keep making you fat!” [I started counting in my head because I wanted to just let everything fly off the handle at this woman. I wanted to chew her out!] I glared at this woman and said “Move!” She moved some but not a lot and began to gripe “Well I hate it when you try to help a fat person and this is the thanks you get and they don’t listen.” [I’m really shaking now. I can’t get my mind to focus on anything but the people staring at me and this rude woman in front of me. I just pushed my cart so she had to move more out of the way. I tried to walked pass her but I still needed more room. She sighed really big and loud! By this point I have no control. I am shaking all over. I’m fighting back tears. I feel trapped and I am having a panic attack in Wal-Mart. She said “Well don’t you have anything to say?” and I smiled at her and said “I hope you have a blessed and magical day.” [I have no idea where that came from. That’s what I begin and end my posts with on Twitter and Facebook. Yet, I told it to this woman. Now she moved out of my way and was walking fast away from me.] I walked on down the aisle and then went into the baby area of Wal-Mart [which had no one in it] I stood there calming myself down. I kept telling myself to breathe. It would be alright. I was in a corner as far away from everyone as I could be talking to myself to calm down. It took me ten minutes to calm down. I then went and finished my shopping.

I’m glad I didn’t fly off the handle at this woman. I don’t want people to see me and think I’m as bad as she was. Nor do I want to spread the negative she was spreading. I’m glad I didn’t respond with more negativity. I do wish I had stood up for myself better. I wish I hadn’t let this situation cause me to have a panic attack. [And in public as well. I’m still upset with myself for this.]

This situation does make me ask one question though, Why do people feel they have a right to do this to other people? This isn’t the first time something like this has ever happened to me. In fact, people have made comments like this on many occasions. [I have had a lot worse than what happened today.] This woman had no idea who I was, what I had experienced in my life nor that I am already on the Journey of Change. I am already losing weight and becoming a healthier person. All she saw was me add some sugar to my cart. She assumed that was why I was fat. Wrong! Please everyone do me a favor and stop and think before you say anything. Spread love and positivity. This world has too much hate and negativity in it already. Don’t add to it. I also wonder why we are so quick to judge everyone. None of us are perfect. We all have issues, passed and mistakes that make us who we are. Since none of us are perfect then we have no right to judge especially a snap judgment that was made about me.

This woman had a chance to just keep on walking. She didn’t have to spread negativity and hate. She didn’t have to be rude and mean. She chose to be that way. My hope is that after reading this you will choose differently. Spread positivity and love. Remember even just a smile can be what a stranger needs to make it through the day.

If you’d like to read how my Journey began here’s the link:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html  

 

 

 

 

Workout….. No Longer a Dirty Word

I know some of you reading this are laughing at the tittle of this blog. I know you to remember who is writing this blog. Me! Now think about the title I bet it makes a little more sense now. Just in case it doesn’t let me take you back to this time last year. I look back now and I don’t even know who that person is anymore. This time last year I was depressed and had no will to live. In fact, I wanted to die. I even asked to die. All I saw was black everywhere. I hated everything about me.

New Year’s all start out with so much hope. We all say this will be the year that I am going to conquer a list of problems. This will be the year I lose so much weight. This is the year I will finally look pretty. This will be the year I make people proud of me and it last. By this time last year, and every New Year, I had given up. I quit. I figured what is the point. I’ll never change. I would try to do exercise videos and quit. Well this is where I was this time last year. If you told this 469 pound [last year’s weight] woman to workout I would give you every excuse in the book. [I bet even some you hadn’t heard yet.] Well one excuse I’d use is I can’t even get past song 2 in Richard Simmons DVD and have to go to cool off. I’d be so short of breath and unable to breath. I would be dizzy and every part of my body would be on fire and in pain. I say “what’s the point”  I can’t do three songs and that doesn’t get you to lose weight. I’d quit. I even had excuses for walking. I can only walk for about 8 minutes so why bother. I am cringing just thinking of all the excuses I use to use. To me, “Workout” was a dirty word.

Well I’m sure you all know how my New Year began in May 2013 and I’ve been changing my life. If you don’t know here’s the link to read how I begin breaking free.  http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Well now I’d like to talk about the present. I finished working out about an hour ago. Yes I worked out. YAY! I have been working out at least four times a week. I am doing a Richard Simmons DVD and have made it past song 2. In fact, I am doing 7/10 songs. Next week I go for 8/10. I am being to like how I feel after a workout. I have blood flow. I also feel happier. I don’t feel so depressed, angry, or frustrated. I miss working out when I don’t get to work out. [I know it blows my mind too] I’m even walking now. I’m learning that when I walk I can think clearer. I can refocus my mind. [I have to do that a lot.] I also find it helps me to let go of the things that make me panic. It has helped me reduce the number of panic attacks I have. [This is awesome.] I have music that reminds me of my goals as I walk. It is my time to just let it all go. I am always fast but I do steadier and have built up more endurance for walking. [Yay me!]

Now here is what I have gained by working out and doing this journey of change. I’m breaking through so many walls that I have had around me. It was a fortress to get to know me.  I use to try to become whatever other people thought I should be. I hide the real me. I became what each person wanted or needed me to be. I didn’t even know myself. I am beginning to find me. I never really left I just buried myself under so much crap and weight that I was drowning.  I am beginning to know me. Guess what? I like me. I’m a funny, intelligent, creative, fun, caring, understanding, loving, and magical person. I’m realizing that I am someone worth knowing. I love to laugh now. I also have come to realize I have a sense of humor. [A unique one but a great sense of humor] I never thought I find myself through working out and becoming healthier but I did. I’m not letting go of myself either.

I hope all who are reading this realize how wonderful it is to let go/break free. For me I had to break free of the chains of panic and weight. I have broken several links in these chains and will continue to break to gain more of myself back.

What are you breaking free from?

Here’s a weight and measure update:

January 28, 2014
May of 2013 numbers in Red
Now numbers in Blue

Weight-                 469.5                     418    Loss of 51.5

Upper Arms-         L-21 ½” R-21”      L-19”  R-19 1/2” Loss of 4”

Chest-                    none

Bust-                      54”              51.5” Loss of 2.5”

Waist-                    53”              50”    Loss of 3”

Hips-                     79 ½”           74”  Loss of 4.5”  

Thighs-                  L-48 ½”  R-46 ½”  L-45.5” R-46” Loss of 3.5”

Calves-                  L-26 ½”  R-27 ½” L-25” R-26” Loss of 3”

Total inches loss from head to toe is-20.5

What is not on here is all bulges and rolls of fat that are gone. I use to measure these and had bigger numbers in inches. But Realized it wasn’t right b/c these shifted and some are even now gone! This is a more accurate number for me. I’m very pleased. I know my body and see the results in no only loss of bulges and rolls of fat but in my ability to function better.

I’m most excited about my hips and thighs going down. I can’t wait till they go down because this is the area I hate the must. OK thighs and butt are a close second.

[None of you know how scary and hard it is to put numbers like this on here but for me. I'm doing it to help keep me going & hopefully kick me in the butt to do more to make these numbers go back down.]