Enough!

Enough!

First some important news. I have started a Twitter Account just for posting about Breaking Free of the Panic and weight. Here is the link if you’d like to follow it: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy  I am only posting positive things about Journey of Change, Living Healthy, Positive stuff, and this blog.
As most of you know, I have been on this Journey of Change for a while now. There are times when it moves super slowly and others it goes by so fast. I am in slow period right now. I feel like I have been here before. You see, due to some serious health issues I was told to do nothing but rest for a week which became 9 days. I was released and jumped back into the walking and exercise where I left off. BIG MISTAKE! I paid for it. I am still battling the low blood count and iron count so I didn’t have the energy to do a lot. It got worse the more I pushed myself. Well I got so dizzy and had to sit down. I was done for the whole day. This was a huge blow for me. It really got to me physically and emotionally. I felt like I went backwards. I felt like I had failed yet again. I was just so upset! [I had gotten to where I would take a walk when I felt this bad but that wasn’t happening.] This really weighed heavy on my mind. Then the next morning, I weighed again and had gained back some of the weight. I was warned it might happen for the first month on this medicine until my body adjusted to it. But all I saw was a scale that went up and not down. My mind heard all those negative thoughts again. I heard all the people telling me I couldn’t do it. We all have family and people like this. I started letting self-doubt come back into my mind. This lead to a lot of pure frustration and pain for me. The medicine is still making me sick which only added to things because my nights were spent in misery. Then the thing I dread the most happened.
I was determined I was going to just keep going and I can do this. Well I got up and said I’ll take a small walk around my neighborhood. I got my MP3 player and opened the door and walked outside and then it hit me. The thing I fear most of all happening, happened. I had a panic attack. I could move. I was hit with this wall of dread! It was an all-consuming fear that was pushing me back. I felt like it was crushing me from all sides. My mind wasn’t able to think beyond this fear. My heart was beating faster and faster. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. My body was even turning on me it was now shaking. Then the one thought beyond fear I had was run. Run away must escape this madness. RUN! So I did. I went back in my house and in my room. I stayed there for several hours. After I calmed down I became angry at myself. I had made a scene. I hate having a panic attack in public. I hate it more than I can ever explain. I had them in school and was made fun of and bullied beyond belief. I had to be home schooled because of panic attacks. I worked really hard at hiding them from my few friends I felt so ashamed because I had panic attacks. So when I had this one I just was so mad at myself.
Well I calmed down enough to start thinking clearer. Then I turned on my laptop and begin to write. I wrote in the story I’m writing. I wrote a scene where my main character was going through some major stuff and she just said ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Then stood up and took charge. [That’s all I can say about it without giving anything away.] It made me realize I had had my set back but enough. Get up and try again. Make it happen. I took a small walk around my neighborhood.
To see where my journey began check out my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html