A Signal of the Soul Wanting to Grow...

A Signal of the Soul Wanting to Grow...

As my normal readers know, I have become a fan of Twitter. In fact, I now have two accounts on Twitter. [The one for this page is https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy .] I love all the positive, encouragement, and support I have found on Twitter. I am also a person who loves positive quotes and encouraging phrases. So I have followed a lot of pages that deliver positivity and some great insights. I came across one a month ago and I have been repeating it over and over in my mind.

“Depression is often a signal of the soul wanting to grow. The key is to listen to your inner self and seek the deeper meaning behind the pain.”  Dr. Tammi B PhD [On Twitter- https://twitter.com/tammibphd ]

Now depression is something I have battled for as long as I can remember. When I use the word depression I’m not talking about just feeling sad or boomed out. I’m talking about going to a deep dark place into my core. I’m talking depression- feelings of hopelessness and wanting to quit. That is what I’ve struggled with as far back as I can remember.  As most of my readers know I tried to kill myself twice in my life as teenager. I hit a point in my adult life where I was praying for God to take me home. [You can read about it in this blog posting: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]

When I read this quote it really started my mind to wondering all over the place. “A signal of the soul wanting to grow.” That is where I’m at in my life. I’ve been growing and I’ve been facing life, problems, past, fears…. Head on. I’m not allowing myself to quit. I’m not even cutting myself some slack. So why did this quote bother me? Why was I always thinking about it lately?

I have been really struggling for the past six weeks. [We all have these moments in our lives.] I have been dealing with some issues. I kept telling myself “I have been growing. I had been changing.

Wait, changing there is an interesting word.

Have I changed? I can honestly say- Yes.

Have I changed completely? No we’re being honest here.

Then I realized why I was so upset. I had pictured myself completely changed by now. After all, it’s almost been a year since I started this journey of change. I had pictured myself at my weight loss goal. I had pictured myself without the panic attacks, without the nerves and without the fears. I still had them. Honestly, I had one really big one recently that lasted most of the day. I didn’t feel like I had changed at all. I was allowing these feelings of failure to come into my body, mind and my core. When that happened I stopped changing. I just stopped! I stayed in one place.  My soul wanted to continue growing. My soul didn’t like staying in one spot. My soul liked the growing, expanding, changing and embracing the new. The staying still was no longer cutting it for my soul. It now knew there was so much more out there and it wanted to continue enjoying it.

“The key is to listen to your inner self and seek deeper meaning behind the pain.”

Have you ever found yourself in an argument with yourself? [No I’m not crazy just keep reading.] I’m just trying to explain that my old self wanted to take over but the new person I had become was fighting back.

The old me- quit, hide from the world, don’t make a decision, let fear of having a panic attack in public rob me of a life. The old me didn’t really exist beyond the surface because dealing with all my mistakes, failures, fear, dread, and pain. It just wasn’t happening. I was a dark person.

New me- Lover of life, passion, dreams, hope, fun, willing to try new things, take a chance and if I have a panic attack in public I’ll deal. The new me was in charge and not willing to let go! I’m glad.

Old Me- Now what do I do? I didn’t change completely I haven’t reached the big goal so why?

New me-“Wait Look at what you did change:

1-You’ve lost weight and inches. You have gotten rid of rolls of fat on your body.

2-You work out and walk. You have gained so much energy and mobility. You do so much more!

3-You have let yourself write again. You are embracing that dream. You are writing a story. You are also blogging. You also have had two articles published.

4-You have become social. You have made the few friendships you had left stronger. You are connected to them more. You have made new friends. You are meeting people.

5-You have confidence and courage and respect for yourself now. You have learned to love yourself. You are able to love others now.
6-You have goals, dreams and plans now. More importantly you are a person who takes action to achieve them.

Old me-“But you didn’t”

New ME- “SHUT UP!"

I’m going to work out now!

 

 

 

Grateful to Block Heads for helping me through the Panic

Grateful to Block Heads for helping me through the Panic

Well this bad day started last night. I would fall asleep and wake up screaming my head off with Nightmares. URR! I got about maybe two hours of sleep.
I finally got up this morning and I was determined to make the most of this day. I start going about my morning routine and wham! Out of nowhere I am frozen in place. I can’t move. I couldn’t leave my room. I started talking to myself telling myself I was safe and trying to refocus myself but it didn’t work. I was getting worse by the second. My hands and arms were shaking. I couldn’t move. All I was able to do was shake. Then I was having trouble breathing. I couldn’t get a clear thought coming into my head. I couldn’t focus. All I could think about was I was failing yet again. I had a huge list of things to do and I couldn’t leave my room.  I stood there for about 30 minutes not able to do anything. I was afraid and can’t tell the exact thing I was afraid of. The shaking was now really bad. I looked like I was dancing in place but it was just me shaking.
I got my feet to move but only to the desk in my room. I sat there for a long time shaking and crying. My thoughts were racing so fast I was not able to understand any of them in my head. I was now officially late. Nothing I did was calming me down. I just sat there shaking and crying my eyes out. Then I started feeling like a failure. I was sitting in my room unable to leave it. Doesn’t get much lower than that. When I say I was full of fear, dread, and panic that is putting it mildly. It was now this force that had taken over my entire body and mind. I felt as though my own body had turned against me. I no longer had control of my body. NONE! I was like this for almost an hour.
In my mind I was as much a failure as when I was in Jr. High & High school and was unable to go to school because I had this panic attacks so bad. I was stuck in my room unable to leave because of fear. Not feeling like I belonged to my family because I couldn’t even join them out of my ROOM! Well I was feeling like this today. I had nothing to offer I couldn’t even take care of myself. I felt like I had not made any progress at all.
I finally was able to turn on my laptop. I turned on my NKOTB music. [There music always helped me. Jon saved my life.] I do really well at just focusing on their music. It helps me refocus and calm down. I was having trouble today focusing on the words. I was still shaking and still crying. [I’m doing this as I write this blog] I turned up the music and then began to just focus on the words of the songs. Then Back to Life came back on and I was able to really focus on the words and this one really helped me. I was able to calm down enough to start allowing myself to think. I started using all the tools I know to refocus my mind. Make myself understand I was safe. I was trying to clear my mind of everything except focusing on the music and I was safe. My phone rang and I answered it. Big mistake! Made things worse. Some people do not understand that I can’t take a deep breath and snap out of this. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! I was unable to focus again. My mind was racing and I couldn’t keep it together. The phone rang again. [Same person] I turned off the phone. So I got online. Now this took me almost ten minutes because my hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t type. I finally got online. I logged into my Twitter account and then did nothing. I couldn’t focus enough to read anything. I replayed Back to Life & We Own Tonight and just focused on the words of the song. I was able to get my mind to think of nothing but the words to these two songs. I cleared it of everything that I had to do today. I cleared it off all the emotions I was feeling and just had the words of these two songs in my mind. That was it.
It helped because now I could read and type on Twitter. I was still shaking and crying but I was starting to regain control slowly. I tried to just focus posts that were care free. It seemed at first no one was online. I then started distracting myself with NKOTB and BH stuff. I checked all the guys’ pages and realized Jon still hadn’t posted anything. Then a BH put out how they missed Jon and I replied me too. Then I got the craziest thought in my head. I decided to distract myself with- #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I thought well let’s see if we can trend this. I started making all kinds of posts with- #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I put I needed to distract myself. Then a BH asked what I was distracting myself from. I said trying to calm down from Panic Attack and I got the most overwhelming and wonderful encouragement and support from my closer friends on Twitter [Who are BH’s] to BH’s I don’t know. I got messages of support. I got BH’s Tweeting let’s trend this for @MarieMontgome16 to help distract her. #HaveUSeenJonKnight. Tweet after Tweet was popping up with #HaveUSeenJonKnight. I also got DM with encouraging words and support. I now follow a lot more BH’s because of their support! I was able to regain focus. I was able to calm down. I was able to stop having a panic attack. It was amazing at the love & support I got today. I’m a very grateful BH.
My day didn’t get easier and I am still very much shaking up but my day did get better. Thank you Block Heads. I may not have been able to trend #HaveUSeenJonKnight but you helped this BH through a very scary day of panic.
If you’d like to read how I began this journey of change and see how Jon saved my life check out my first posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

Sweat it is a Good Thing, Right?

Sweat it is a Good Thing, Right?

I’m sitting here covered in sweat. [My roommate did laundry and I’m waiting for the hot water to build back up.] I did my daily workout date and then some. Let me tell you the amount of sweat surprises me because I haven’t pushed myself this hard in a long time.

Well I met a new workout challenge today. I added two songs to the DVD. My hips, thighs, knees, calves and ankles are screaming at me right now. [I’m beginning to like them complaining because it means they are having to their job again.] I finished the DVD and wasn’t done. I went to my room and did more. I put my ear phones on and turned on my MP3 player and did Sign-Er-Cise. I did this for additional 20 minutes. I reached the point where I couldn’t do any more. I walked around my house for about five minutes. I looked at the clock and realized I had done one hour and fifteen minutes of exercise. [Continual]

I’m unable to explain how much better I feel right now. I am thinking clearer and even feel the blood through my body. My head is cleared and I’m able to focus.  I am back to where I was before I had to stop [on Dr. Orders] due to my health. I don’t feel like I am back tracking again.  Now I can’t wait till this evening when I get to do my walk. I love my walking time.
Believe it or not I like the fact that I am covered in sweat right now.

To see where my journey began please read:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

WHOOOOO! Glad that's over

WHOOOOOOO! That is over!

Ok as most of you know I have been having some serious medical problems. I had a GYN appointment today and found out some news. [Again for the males that read this blog it will not get to detailed.]
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I hate these appointments. I’m afraid of them. So much so I had to have my sister go with me. She thankfully agreed to go with me. But by 5pm yesterday I was panicked. I tried everything to calm down.  I was talking to friends on Twitter and FB. I was blessed to have several people talk to me. I tried to sleep and I couldn’t sleep. I tried to write and I couldn’t write. I tried listening to my praise music. I was praying. I just was not calming down enough to sleep. I kept having memories going through my head. I kept thinking the appointment was going to be like the memory. I was going in a vicious circle. I was sitting in my bed shaking. I gave up sleeping around 3am. I got up took a shower and just texted a best friend. I then just turned on my favorite album lately “10” and started signing it. [American Sign Language] I signed the whole album. I was a bit calmer. I wasn’t shaking as bad. Then I signed the album I learned to sign to Hangin’ Tough. I did the whole album. By this time I was calm. It was 6:30 so I just went about my daily routine.
My sister shows up and gives me a ride. Poor thing I talked her ear off but she listened patiently. We go the doctor’s office and his entire staff was nice and understanding to me. I was glad about this fact because most of the ones I have seen were not very nice to me.  The doctor was as nice as can be as well. He was understanding of my panic attacks. He was understanding that my sister was in the room. Everything went smoothly from there. He took me off the medicine that makes me sick. Yeah! He is replacing it with some hormones. We have a plan for treatments. [Won’t share on here because of males being on here.] I am pleased with this doctor. He reassured me I wasn’t crazy like my other doctor told me. He didn’t dismiss me. He listened to me and very caring. I was very grateful.
Although I am very sleepy from not getting any sleep I am very relieved.  I’m going to go work out and do a walk today. I’m going to get a lot of my writing done. I feel so much better now.
To see where I began my journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me through the Journey of Change on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

A Chance!

A Chance!

A Chance. Two simple words A Chance! We all say take a chance but for me that is something that isn’t easily done. A Chance! If I do anything I plan it and it is never really anything that would be considered a chance. I go out with my siblings and their families or a friend but other than that I don’t go out. I am a home buddy that wishes she wasn’t a home body.
The idea of going out isn’t always an easy one for me. You see I’m still afraid of having a panic attack where a lot of people will see me. I even try to hide from my family when I have them. I want to go concerts, or out on a date, or a girl’s night out. I haven’t done any of these for so long. I have had my biological father offer on three different occasions to send me to see my favorite group. [Favorite since I was 12.] In 2008 when NKOTB got back together, again when they did the Package Tour with Back Street Boys and this past year with their 10 album release. All three times I came up with an excuse not to go. The true reasons were- I was afraid of having a panic attack. I let the fear of having a panic attack keep me from going and having the time of my life three different times now. I have regretted this decision every day. I hate that I didn’t go. I have seen clips on YouTube and man were these awesome concerts! [I should have taken a chance and gone to the concerts. If I had a panic attack and was shaking people would have thought I was dancing.]
Yesterday a friend sent me a link to a contest with the message- “ENTER!” I clicked on the link thinking it was something for her kids or school but it was a contest to win NKOTB concert tickets in Las Vegas. I closed the link down and said I can’t do that. I wouldn’t handle the contest. I walked out of my room and then turned around and went back to my computer and pulled it up again. I sat there staring at it for a while. I kept picturing me winning and then having a panic attack in front of everyone. I kept seeing this scenario over and over. I then looked at the inspiration pictures on my wall all around my desk. I saw the one where I wanted to go on NKOTB cruise in 2015. I then remembered the regret I had at not going to the three concerts in the past. I took a deep breath and clicked on the link. I couldn’t think of anything clever or cute to say so I stated how I wanted to thank them esp. JON and posted a link to my very first blog posting. I shared it with everyone. If I win I will be there. If I have a panic attack I’ll still be there. I’m not going to let this fear keep me from entering the contest. If I win I’m not going to let fear keep me from me going and having fun with NKOTB and loads of BH’s. If you’d like to vote for me here is the link and you vote every day.
http://www.ktu.com/pages/contest/nkotb/?55y&day=after
If you’d like to read how Jon and NKOTB have saved and touched my life then read my very first blog posting.
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
If you’d like to follow me on Twitter where I post about my Journey of Change
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
Thank You! Have a great day!

 

 

Enough!

Enough!

First some important news. I have started a Twitter Account just for posting about Breaking Free of the Panic and weight. Here is the link if you’d like to follow it: https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy  I am only posting positive things about Journey of Change, Living Healthy, Positive stuff, and this blog.
As most of you know, I have been on this Journey of Change for a while now. There are times when it moves super slowly and others it goes by so fast. I am in slow period right now. I feel like I have been here before. You see, due to some serious health issues I was told to do nothing but rest for a week which became 9 days. I was released and jumped back into the walking and exercise where I left off. BIG MISTAKE! I paid for it. I am still battling the low blood count and iron count so I didn’t have the energy to do a lot. It got worse the more I pushed myself. Well I got so dizzy and had to sit down. I was done for the whole day. This was a huge blow for me. It really got to me physically and emotionally. I felt like I went backwards. I felt like I had failed yet again. I was just so upset! [I had gotten to where I would take a walk when I felt this bad but that wasn’t happening.] This really weighed heavy on my mind. Then the next morning, I weighed again and had gained back some of the weight. I was warned it might happen for the first month on this medicine until my body adjusted to it. But all I saw was a scale that went up and not down. My mind heard all those negative thoughts again. I heard all the people telling me I couldn’t do it. We all have family and people like this. I started letting self-doubt come back into my mind. This lead to a lot of pure frustration and pain for me. The medicine is still making me sick which only added to things because my nights were spent in misery. Then the thing I dread the most happened.
I was determined I was going to just keep going and I can do this. Well I got up and said I’ll take a small walk around my neighborhood. I got my MP3 player and opened the door and walked outside and then it hit me. The thing I fear most of all happening, happened. I had a panic attack. I could move. I was hit with this wall of dread! It was an all-consuming fear that was pushing me back. I felt like it was crushing me from all sides. My mind wasn’t able to think beyond this fear. My heart was beating faster and faster. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. My body was even turning on me it was now shaking. Then the one thought beyond fear I had was run. Run away must escape this madness. RUN! So I did. I went back in my house and in my room. I stayed there for several hours. After I calmed down I became angry at myself. I had made a scene. I hate having a panic attack in public. I hate it more than I can ever explain. I had them in school and was made fun of and bullied beyond belief. I had to be home schooled because of panic attacks. I worked really hard at hiding them from my few friends I felt so ashamed because I had panic attacks. So when I had this one I just was so mad at myself.
Well I calmed down enough to start thinking clearer. Then I turned on my laptop and begin to write. I wrote in the story I’m writing. I wrote a scene where my main character was going through some major stuff and she just said ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Then stood up and took charge. [That’s all I can say about it without giving anything away.] It made me realize I had had my set back but enough. Get up and try again. Make it happen. I took a small walk around my neighborhood.
To see where my journey began check out my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

One Eventful Month

I’m sorry it has been a month since I wrote a blog post. As my tittle suggest it has been an eventful month. In beginning of the month my baby boy [my cat] started getting sick. He got really sick and on March 5^th I had to put my baby boy Tabby asleep. I rescued him out of a mouth of a bulldog out my apartment. He was being eaten alive. I almost got bit by this dog but I got the cat out of his mouth. I nursed him back to health. I had to move because I couldn’t have pets in my apartment. Tabby became my baby. The vet said he was about 2 ½  to 3 years old when I got him. I had blessed with almost sixteen years of him in my life. I miss him something terrible. As you all know from where I began this journey I didn’t get out much. I stayed home a lot due to anxiety and panic attacks. He was my constant friend.
To see where the journey began read click the link below to read my first blog.
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html  
I have been having some serious health issues for a while now. I was finally able to get into to see a doctor. I have been taking a lot of blood tests and other medical test since March 7^th. I know my way around the hospital pretty good now. I had to have a friend go with me to the doctor’s visit due to nerves. The doctor wasn’t understanding of anxiety issues at all. He asked how many times I had been locked in a mental ward for it. I do not like the doctor my insurance will pay for.
After a lot of tests here is what I know:
My blood count is very low. I mean literally half of what it should be. A person’s blood count should be 14 and mine is 7.

My iron is dangerous low. A person’s should be 125 and mine is 5. [Explains why I am always weak and dizzy.]

The medicine I was given for this makes me so nausea and dizzy. I feel like my stomach is punching me and mad at me every time I take this medicine.

I have some female issues [and due to the males the read this I will limit the details] that could be three different issues-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ovarian Cancer, or Uterus Cancer. They do know I have a cyst in right ovary. [There are more details but like I said I have some male readers who wouldn’t want to know more than this.] I’m taking two medicines to treat this and one of them makes me nausea as well. I can’t take the two together and have to wait about an hour and half between the two. I spend most of the morning sick to my stomach.

Then when I do eat it doesn’t help at all. I can only keep pudding, shakes, potatoes, and food soft like this down easily. The other stuff not so much. I eat the other stuff but it only makes my stomach hurt worse.

I had a Mammogram and then had two more and a breast ultrasound on the same day. I have three cysts on my left breast. Due to this being my first Mammogram insurance and doctor want to wait six months take another Mammogram and go from there. So I am in a waiting game for this one.

Someone asked me how I was doing on my weight loss and exercise and the answer is URRRRRR! The doctor ordered me not to exercise or do my long walks for at least a week. He hopes the medicine will help my iron count improve so I won’t be so weak or dizzy. I have hated not being able to work out or walk. I have missed it. It was a way to help me deal with stress and concern. It also helped me with nerves. The fact I can only eat super soft foods or drink shakes without making my stomach nausea and hurt doesn’t help with the diet at all. [The one super soft food I can’t get down is Jell-O. YUCK!]

Someone asked how my nerves were doing? The answer is I’m Hangin’ Tough. Yes this does affect me. I had a test on March 12^th and the entire time it was being done I laid there shaking and crying. I told the woman I couldn’t breathe. She had to stop the test and get me to calm down some. She was able to finish the test. So yes this is wearing on my nerves but I am Hangin’ Tough.

I have been writing in my story more as it seems to help keep my mind of things and not notice the pain my stomach and abdomen as much. The week is up tomorrow so I will be exercising and doing my walk. [I might have to modify both due to still feeling weak and dizzy a lot of the time.] I’m looking forward to having some of normal back.