Being Honest and Learning to Love Yourself

Being Honest and Learning to Love Yourself.

It is really hard to write a blog that is brutally honest. It is especially hard to be brutally honest when it is about myself. I have written this blog five different times and then deleted it. It is really hard to be honest with yourself. No matter how hard it is important to be honest with yourself. Now the first part of this blog might be hard to read because it dark. I do promise it does get better.

As you all know, I have been on this journey since September of 2013. I have made a lot of mistakes on this journey. I mean a lot. I also have had success on this journey. Since October of 2014 I keep getting pneumonia. It seems like I can’t get over it. This was the case in March of this year. I got pneumonia again. The doctor again put me on antibiotics and steroids. It didn’t work so I was prescribed another round. I still was sick. I ended up doing several rounds. Last week of May I still was sick. Doctor wanted me to take another round but I refused. The reason I refused was because I wasn’t getting well but I was gaining the weight back. I didn’t take the next round of antibiotics and steroids again. I tripled up the vitamin C and started to feel like I had more energy. I keep taking the triple dose of vitamin C and had energy but was still sick. I also wasn’t able to lose the weight I gained back from the steroids. This was really depressing. I added to my workout but nothing. This really began to get to me. I felt very defeated. I kept gaining and not losing the weight. Let’s just say I got caught up in a very depressed cycle. I regrettably went back to my old ways. I stopped micromanaging what I ate. I slowly began to exercise less and less until it was none. To say I was even more depressed is an understatement. I began to put myself down again. I became my own self hater. I began to pull away from friends and family again. I pulled away from my blog and online friends. I was getting more anxious about going out and being around people again. I knew I failed. I had gained all the weight back. I felt like people would know this and say something about it. [Many have] I didn’t go out anywhere any more. I let my depression and anxiety make me a prisoner again.

I was working still caring for a wonderful lady named Ms. Peggy. I’ve been working with her for about a year and half now. One of things I do with Ms. Peggy is read. She loves to have Bible stories, Bible inspirational stories and poems read to her. Several weeks ago I was reading to her out of book titled “My Forever Friend”. It is a Precious Moments book. I read “Through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14. I shook my head and said well I don’t like myself let alone love myself. I went on and read more of the book for Ms. Peggy. I thought nothing more of it until I got home. I kept thinking of that. I wasn’t loving myself. I went online to try and stop thinking about it. But that didn’t help. I was playing around on Twitter and found a post by Donnie Wahlberg that read “If you want to spread #Love today. Start by loving yourself. Then watch it spread like peanut butter on a giant slice of bread!” Ok I was getting the point. I didn’t want to admit it or deal with it. I was up most of the night thinking about these things.

I began to think about it seriously. It made sense. In order to love your neighbor, [anyone you meet] you must love yourself. You treat others how you treat yourself. Well I was not loving myself. I was very negative about myself. I realized if I wasn’t loving me I wasn’t loving anyone. I realized if I was negative about myself I was being negative to others. This meant I was negative and hateful to myself thus making me that way to others. That wasn’t love your neighbor at all. That wasn’t setting the example with the youth I work with. That meant I was giving a bad example. I wasn’t even trying for the goals I had set for myself. Now I’d love to say I snapped right back to it and got right back on the path I wanted to be on.  Nope I just let it go. Except I kept thinking about it. I sat down here and started to write this blog posting but deleted it 5 times. It is hard to admit that you went off course to yourself. It is even harder to admit it to others. But that is what I did I went off course.

So here I am writing this being honest with myself. I’d love to lay all the blame on the several rounds of antibiotics and steroids I was prescribed.  Yes it was part of the problem but how I chose to deal with the effects the medicine had on me was my chose. I made the wrong chose. I didn’t handle it right. But here I am writing this being honest and saying “Yes I gained it all back. Yes I have taken several steps backwards. No this isn’t the end of my journey. No it won’t be easy but I’m starting again. Yes I can do this. Yes I can lose the weight again. Yes I can exercise and gain energy and strength again. Yes I can exercise and walk and gain confidence again. Yes I have support of my family and friends. Yes I have support of people who read this blog. Yes I have support but the ultimate decision and follow through is on me. I am going to do this. I might have a huge crash again but I’ll just get up again. This is me saying Yes I forgive myself. Yes I like myself. Yes I love myself. This is me asking God to help me forgive others. Help me like others. Help me show Love for others. This is me saying Yes I am going to Love my neighbor as I Love myself.”

Now I know some will ask why write this blog? Why write the truth about how you failed? Why write the truth about how you struggle when it might make you look a bit crazy. My answer- I know I am not the only who struggles. I know I am not the only one who battles with learning to love myself. I know I am not the only one who struggles with forgiving myself. I want anyone who is in this struggle that they are not alone and they are loved. They can do this. That’s why I’m writing this honesty instead of sugar coating my journey. I want people to know it will be a hard journey with lots of falls but also a lot of successes. Learn to love them all. Yes love the falls because you can get up and try again.

To see where I began this journey read my first post:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

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