scared

Scared

I wish I knew how to describe this better but I’m afraid unless you’ve experienced it firsthand there isn’t a way to describe it.
Today was a terrible day for me. I woke up on edge and it hasn’t gotten any better. I hate being me when I get like this. All day today I have fought the urge to just run off and hide and cry. I have off letting myself lose it. I kept my hands in my pockets a lot at work to hide the fact they were shaking. I made through the day but I got home and just everything I seem to have been putting off just hit me. I suddenly couldn’t breathe very well. I knew I wasn’t have a heart attack. I knew what this was. I was having a panic attack. My mind couldn’t focus on one thing. I was shaking. I kept gripping my arms with my hands. I started to pace the floor. I felt the room suddenly got smaller and smaller. Everything was closing in on me. I wanted to just escape it. I couldn’t. Then the room was not only getting smaller it was now pressing on me. I felt like the air was being sucked right out of me. I started to cry. I just couldn’t focus. I just couldn’t get myself to calm down. I finally just sat right there in the middle of my floor and shook and cried. I tried to refocus my brain. I tried to not think. Every thought I thought just kept coming at me so fast. The room was becoming a smaller till I felt like I could feel the four walls around me. I just was stuck in this state of panic.
It took about an hour for me to be able to calm down enough to get off the floor and sit on my couch. I sat there and looked around my living room and felt like a complete failure. Why do I let this happen to me? I should be past this. I shouldn’t still have this. I have worked so hard on getting my life together. I shouldn’t let this happen.
I was thinking this as I looked at my Jon calendar on the door and remembered that this Thursday I’m going to a NKOTB concert. I’m leaving my house alone boarding a Greyhound bus. I’m traveling to Dallas. Attending the concert and then traveling home on a Greyhound bus. First thought that came to my mind-“Yeah Right. You hate crowds and this place will be crowed. You don’t really enjoy being by yourself and you will be. You hate going where you don’t know anyone and you don’t know anyone there. You hate having panic attacks esp. in public where you could get mad fun of. You’ve been told you might not even get to sit in the area where you bought a ticket because of your size. You don’t know what to expect. You hate not knowing what will happen. You won’t make this.” These thoughts have played over and over again in my mind all night. Well they’ve been playing in my mind for several days. Weeks in fact.
I’m excited to go to the concert. I am but I’m scared and concerned at the same time.

To see where my journey began:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
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