I’ve had some interesting conversation about hats and
hugs lately. To be specific the hats I always wear on my head. It seems there
is a lot to be said about my hats. I like to wear baseball caps. In fact I have
several of them. I tend to wear the same ones though.
What brought up the conversation about hats is my
pictures from Dallas #TheMainEvent NKOTB concert. I was blessed to have Donnie
come dance & hug me during Remix. I’ve posted a lot of pictures of this
moment. I’ve also taken my tablet with me everywhere and shown all of my friends
and family. [Even people I really didn’t know that well.] My best friend since
I was seven said “Of course you’re wearing a hat. You always have on a hat.”
Rocky said “I hate the picture because like always you have on a hat & no
one can see your face.” My mom said “You look so happy wish we could have seen
more of your face.” Another friend commented “Well of course you’re wearing a
damn hat. We can hardly see your face and eyes. Like always.” Another comment “What’s with you and hats. You
are always wearing one. At least this isn’t your lucky red hat.” Then a close
male friend of mine said something that has stuck with me. “Marie, you are
always saying the eyes are the window to the soul. You’re the one who says you can
tell so much about a person by what is in their eyes. You put stock in reading people’s
eyes yet you always have a hat on and pulled low. No one can read your eyes. It’s
like your hats hide yourself. This picture was a moment of a lifetime and you
still chose to hide your face. Why do you hide yourself behind hats? Do you
wear them as protection?” I didn’t reply to him. I didn’t know how to reply. A
few days later I asked him to explain his comments. He said “You told me you
loved looking into Donnie’s eyes when he was in front of you. You loved seeing
so much happiness and love there.” I agreed with him. He then said “In your
blog about the concert you wrote “He moved my hat. It’s attached to my head
that’s gonna hurt.” [I didn’t realize I had wrote it that way.] He said “Watch
the clip of the concert again closely. When Donnie tried to remove your hat,
you instantly grabbed his hand and pushed it away. Why didn’t you let him see
your face? Donnie might have wanted to see the happiness in your eyes that you
saw in his? You said you have always loved Jon’s eyes because they seem so kind
and friendly. You said you like seeing Jon’s eyes in front of you and they
still looked kind and friendly. You let both Donnie and Jon hug you. You’ve
always wanted a hug by Jon and yet you hate hugs and try to keep people from
hugging you. Why don’t you let anyone see your face? Why don’t you let people
hug you?” Again I couldn’t answer that question.I watched the clip again and he’s right. I grabbed Donnie’s hand and didn’t let him take my hat off. It was instinct. I didn’t realize I did that. I have no idea why I did that. This did get me to thinking.
I looked back at pictures of me through the last ten years and over 90% of them I’m wearing a hat. It is pulled down on my head as low as possible. There are very few pictures of me I don’t make friend delete and the few that are left I have a hat on my head. I didn’t realize this fact about me. I also started to think about why I wore hats so much. Again this is one of those times where I have to be honest with myself. [It sucks sometimes]
Yes I wear hats a lot as a “security blanket”. It provides a barrier to open conversation. It makes me less approachable especially when I look down wearing a hat. No one wants to come up and talk to the top of a hat. I was sending out signals to leave me alone. I guess it has worked too.
Yes I wear hats to hide my eyes from people. A lot of time I’m trying to hide panic or fear from people. I’m afraid that if people saw the panic or fear they’d think I was crazy.
Yes I wear hats to feel safe because if no one wants to talk or get near me then I can’t emotionally or physically get hurt. Yes I’m afraid of getting hurt. I mean there is a reason I still have nightmares. I still struggle from that horrid night. I still battle the fear.
Yes I don’t like to be hugged. Yes I’ve always wanted a hug from Jon. [Weird I know] Yes I do try to keep people from hugging me. I’ve always been this way. My mom says I never hug her enough. I never have. [Yes I’ve hugged my mom but it isn’t very often.] I have a best friend since I was seven and there have been times we haven’t seen each other for over a year and I still haven’t hugged her. I’m glad to see her and I’ve missed her but I still couldn’t hug her. I can tolerate and even give hugs at church because have you ever tried tell senior citizens at church not to hug you? Especially in the south? Not happening. If my nieces and nephews come up and hug me of course I hug them back. I’m not a cold person. I’m just not a hugger. I have always had problems letting someone get that close to me. [It has gotten worse since that horrid night.] And yet as my friend pointed out I let Donnie and Jon hug me.
[See what I mean about being honest with yourself.
Sometimes it sucks.] I guess the questions are:
Now that you know why you wear hats-Are you still
going to wear them? Now that you realize hugs aren’t terrible and nothing bad will happen when hug people- Are you going to let people hug you?
I’m probably going to be wearing hats less and less. This means I’m going to have push myself and make myself more approachable. Don’t panic when people try to talk to me. Learn to talk to people no matter where I am. [Oh my whole body is already not liking this] This also means I’ll have to learn how to do more than put my hair in a ponytail or back in barrettes. I’m probably going to have to learn how to wear makeup too. I usually look terrible and worse when I wear makeup. [This could be interesting for this non girly girl.]
Yes I’m going to try and let more people hug me. [Now to my friends and family reading this please don’t go overboard with the hugs] Yes I’ll be more open to hugs or other shows of affection. [Just typing this my stomach started turning and I got nervous.] I am looking forward to hugging my best friend since I was seven. She is getting a huge one. I get to see her in 8 days.
It seems yet again I have something to be grateful to Jon for [besides saving my life] only this time it is Donnie too. Thanks for getting me to like hugs & inspiring me to be more open to them. If I ever get the chance to see Donnie and Jon again I’ll have the hat off so they can see in my eyes how happy they’ve made me.
To see where I began this journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2HealthyTo follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
Personal one where I mostly talk to BH’s about the guys-https://twitter.com/MarieMontgome16
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