Socializing, this word brings me such stress. Yes stress. I hate and love socializing. There are times when I love it and times when I do not enjoy it at all. The past nine days I have had a lot of socializing.
Saturday May 10th- I get a phone call from an old friend. I haven’t seen them in a long time. [Since 1995] He looked me up and decided to give me a call. We talked on the phone for a little while. Then he asked if he could take me to lunch. [Ok this is where I got nervous. Going out of my house to have lunch with someone, especially a guy, is something I just don’t do.] My mind started racing. My thoughts were very hard to catch or understand. The palms of my hands got all sweaty. I was instantly tense. I changed the subject. He brought up lunch again. I didn’t answer and finally said “If you want to do lunch you have to read my blog first. You also have to know up front I have gained a lot of weight since 1995.” He said “I don’t care about the weight and I’ll read your blog.”
I sent him the link to my very first blog posting and he read it while on the phone with me. He asked “Ok when are we having lunch?” I still stalled him on meeting up for lunch. He and I talked on the phone. [I say we talked but it was really him dragging information out of me. I was hardly talking.]
I was having this battle within myself. I was trying to calm down. I was trying to tell myself to just talk on the phone. Come on and talk to the guy. Then I looked around my room and saw one of motivation pictures on my wall. This led me to start to think clearer. I refocused my mind. I changed my thoughts. I started talking on the phone more. I then realized I wanted to push myself and try new things. I should just go for it. Then I realized I had no car or way to get there. I finally said lets meet for lunch. So we decided on Perkins.
I almost called and canceled this lunch multiple times. I was so nervous. I was doing several things I hate doing. A few minutes before he showed up I told my roommate that I couldn’t do this. She smiles at me and told me I had no choice. I look and his car is in the drive way. I took several deep breaths and went out to meet him. I don’t remember much about what we talked about in the car. I was too busy telling myself to breath and don’t let yourself shake. I kept gripping the door handle. [I’m so grateful it didn’t break.] We got to the restaurant and were seated. I made sure to sit where I could see as much of everyone coming and going. I hate being where people can be behind my back. There was only one table behind me and thankfully it was empty. We talked about people we knew back in the day. There were a few moments of the awkward silence but overall it was alright. Then our meal came and I was still a bit nervous but I was also relieved at how well I was doing. Then they sat a family at the table behind me. I didn’t seem to mind too much. Then near the end of the lunch I spilt my drink all over him and the floor. I tried to clean it up and split what was left of my dinner on me. [I was so embarrassed. Of course this kicked my nerves into high gear.] He was very nice about this. We left shortly after this. He brought me home. It was nice to reconnect with an old friend but I was so relieved it was over. I hate anxiety.
Sunday May 11th- Mother’s day. I wasn’t going to go out to eat with my family on Mother’s day because of nerves and I couldn’t afford it. I was over ruled by my mother. [I bet no one can ever win an argument with their mom esp. on Mother’s day. They came and got me. We get to the restaurant and it is filled, I think it is over filled. We were packed like sardines. We finally got to the table and again I grabbed the seat at the end that had my back against the wall. [This restaurant was divided into sections. So there were people behind the wall and on the sides of me.] Everyone was having fun. So why was I struggling to keep up with the conversation? Why was I struggle to come up with something to say that would fit into the conversation at the table? [Try being the only nonparent adult at a table on Mother’s day.] Luckily my niece sat by me and we did have a nice conversation. I was able to just listen to her talk about her friends. I sat there making sure of everything I said while at this lunch. I have to be careful. I finally just stayed quiet at the end of the table unless someone talked to me. I don’t fit into my family. Again grateful my niece kept talking about her friends and movies she had seen. I was so tired by the time I got home. I had a headache. I hate anxiety.
Friday May 16th- Very stressful day at work. I had planned on reading my beginning part of my story to the lady I care for. But only her. Reading it out loud to someone helps me be able to edit it better. Didn’t go as planned and I had extra socializing with extra people that I had to deal with. I had a painted on smile the entire time. I hate anxiety.
Saturday May 17th- One of my dearest friends college graduation. I hate these kinds of social events. I didn’t like mine. I’m so proud of my friend so I had to go to show her my support. She graduated with honors. She and I met in college at the college she was graduating from. I was stressed about going back and seeing everyone. I was also afraid I’d be sitting by myself at this event due to the kind of seating they have. I was right. I sat in a fold out chair by myself far away from anyone I knew. I kept telling myself I was there to support my friend. Thankfully it wasn’t that long of a service. I was able to get a couple of pictures for my friend. I was so glad it was over though because I was ready to join back up with my friends. I wasn’t able to find them. They forgot to turn their phones on. It was almost thirty minutes before I met up with my friend’s husband. By this point I was ready to call it quits. He went to get his wife and kids and I headed where I thought he had parked the car. I met back up with everyone twenty minutes later. Then we all went out to eat to celebrate. I sat at the end of the table again. I hardly spoke. I tried but I wasn’t doing very well. When dinner was over I was able to get a picture of me and my friend. But have I mentioned I hate anxiety.
May 18th- My roommate and best friend’s 59th birthday. I got her set up with her favorite TV show Magnum PI and I’m in my room typing this blog posting. I’m making her a nice dinner and her favorite SF dessert tonight.
Tomorrow May 19th- I’m going to the college with my friend to visit several professors. Then we are meeting my roommate and some other friends and celebrating several things. Roommate’s birthday [May 18th], my friend’s college graduation and birthday [May 20th] and catching up with some friends. Another day of socializing. Have I mentioned I hate anxiety?
I have also added a new workout DVD this week and also extended my walking. It has been very busy and stressful. I have spent most of the time trying to keep myself calm and focused. I have kept going and I’m pleased about that.
To see where my journey began read my first blog posting:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]
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