April 26, 2016

April 26, 2016,

Hi! I’m sitting here writing this blog as I listen to Disney music. If you know me, you know this is one of my favorite kinds of music. (I have a wide variety of music I enjoy.) I’m sitting here thinking of all the many different goals I have & I am trying to achieve. Let’s face it we all have so many goals. In recent years, I have been actively working towards achieving these goals. I have discovered the more I work towards achieving goals the bigger my goals become. This is a great fact. However, it also has to be a goal you can achieve. I can picture some of you thinking “Isn’t that the point of goals?” You would be correct. Let me explain. The one goal that hasn’t changed for me since 2014 is, to become a healthier person. For me, this means mind, body and soul. I even named it the- Journey of Change-Breaking Free from the Chains of Panic Attacks & Weight. I’ve written about the journey in this Blog. If you have been with me on this journey you know it has taken many different turns. Some of these turns have been wonderful and some have not been so great. However, they’ve all been a learning experience that has helped me grow. Today, I’m sharing things that have been on my mind. I’ve had a lot on my mind.

CHANGES!
If you have read any of my blogs since November 2015, you know I have had a goal of reaching the weight of 350lbs & a size 4X in pants by my 40^th birthday on June 25^th. I’ve been working hard for this goal. The reward for achieving this goal was going to be a huge 80’s/90’s Block Party. (Basically a NKOTB 40^th birthday bash.) I was going to throw this myself. However, things have changed. Why? Lack of funds & none of my family or friends in this state like NKOTB. I’m not sure anyone would show up. Plus, I really don’t have the money. I’m not quitting on the goal. I’m still working towards it daily. I’m going to have an online Block party with several of the Block Heads I’ve become friends with. I have friends internationally so it really will be a Block Party. I’m hoping to come up with enough to buy me a new outfit. I’d like to get my nieces together and let them give me a makeover. I’d like to take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Of course this new outfit will have red in it. That’s my favorite color. I’m going to bring a small cake to the class I teach on Wednesday nights. I have fallen in love these kids. I may not have any of my own but I’m honored that their parents let me call them “My Kids”. We will do something fun on that night. (Well a night close to June 25^th.) Maybe even a bit Disney themed too. (I do love Disney!)

If you’ve read this blog you also know that another goal of mine has to been to take a NKOTB cruise since 2013. Yes, I still want to take this cruise but it is no longer on the horizon for me and that is alright. I’m serious, it is alright. (All of my BH friends mouths just hit the floor.) Here’s why it is alright:

You all know how much I love Disney. You all also know how much I love my nieces. I’m a cool aunt. (Ask my nieces and they’ll tell you.) One of the reasons I started to lose weight and become healthier is, I wanted to become more active in their lives. I wanted to live to see them grow up and have lives of their own. Well I have a niece who is graduating in 2017. Her sister will graduate in 2018. This is just from my sister’s family. I have an adopted niece graduating in 2017. (Friends daughter) I have a little brother graduating this year. I have kids that I teach graduating in 2017. (2017 will be a very busy year!) My oldest niece told me two years ago how she wanted to go to Walt Disney World for her graduation gift in 2017. Her sister, said me too in 2018. (Girls after my own heart.) Well I can’t afford to help with two trips in a row.

Also my dear friend’s daughter graduates in 2017. Several years ago, I agreed to go with them in 2017. I would be their driver. (It is cheaper to drive. My friend is legally blind and can’t drive.) A few months ago it dawned on me, this was the same time my niece was graduating. (Aunt problems.) Then there is another niece graduating right behind her. I love these girls! I love being with them. I love that all three of these girls have never been embarrassed to be around me due to my huge size. For me being with them celebrating their graduations is more important than a NKOTB Cruise. So I am happily letting the cruise goal be replaced with helping my nieces get to experience Walt Disney World with me as their graduation gift.

I have been planning on how to do this graduation gift for several weeks. I have been pricing & exploring every option out there. I will figure out a way to make this happen for them. I have faith that this will happen. I’m going in 2017 with my friend as promised. In 2018, I’m going to celebrate two nieces college graduations.

Changing to this goal will also be rewarding for me in another way. Yes, I have been to WDW many times. I haven’t been able to do everything. Why? My size! There are many experiences that I have never been able to do because I haven’t been able to fit on the rides. (Shameful but true.) I have never been on Rockin’ Roller Coaster due to my size. I haven’t ridden Space Mountain since I was 15 due to my size. I can’t ride Kali River Rapids due to my size either. I can keep going but I won’t. I think you get the picture. When I take these trips in 2017 it will be like going to WDW for the first time because I can do it all. I will achieve this goal. I want to go to WDW without renting a scooter either. (That is expensive and shameful that I had to do it.)

Making it more NKOTB of a Goal!

There is also a Wahlburgers in Orlando. My friend’s daughter is a Block Head! (Yes I made her a BH) My best friend, Sandra lives near Orlando and is a BH. In 2017 the three of us can enjoy Wahlburgers together. Plus, my sister oldest loves Blue Bloods! In 2018 Sandra, my niece and I will enjoy Wahlburgers together! It will add a bit of NKOTB to the reward.

For me, this goal is about experiencing firsts! When you put it with people I love it is PERFECT!!!!!!!

Now the same rules apply- If I don’t reach the target goals- I Don’t Go! I’ll send everyone else.

I have decided to make a group page on Facebook for this new goal. It will be connected with my Facebook change2healthy account. It will also go with my blog. I’m going to talk about working towards this goal. I’ll talk about all aspects involved in achieving this goal. I’ll talk about the weight loss, the exercise, the planning and everything it takes to achieve this goal. The name of this group page is Breaking Free to Enjoy ALL of WDW in 2017. I’d love for you to come along with me on this journey. Check out the group page here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1602542820066378/
I wish you all A Blessed & Magical Day!

If you’d like to see where I began my Journey
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
You can also follow my other accounts that go with this blog.
Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

 

 

 

 

It's Me Again.

Hi!
Well I wish I had a great reason to explain why I haven't been on here for a while but I don't. I literally have gotten so busy with all the different irons I have in the fire that I haven't posted in a while. My blog isn't the only thing that has suffered. My story has too. I haven't written in it since just after Christmas. I think I need to learn how to say no. Due to not having steady work I tend to get very much involved in many things. I also quickly agree to help out others with their projects. I feel terrible without a steady paycheck so I help others to keep myself busy. The one problem with that is that I get focused on way too many things and lose focus on the projects I'm working on.
I told you it wasn't a good reason.

I am still doing the Journey of Change-Breaking free from the chains of panic attacks & weight. I'm still getting healthier & I am still loosing weight and inches. This is always worth celebrating.

I do have a question for all of you.
Do you ever feel self conscious about how you look when you are walking or working out? I do.
The reason I am bringing this up is because it is on my mind a lot. Why I don't like my body. I hate it. I'm changing it. I also know what people think of my body because I get told it a lot.  I have gained a new hobby. I love taking walks. It is peaceful and energizing at the same time. It is perfect for clearing my head & allowing me time to just focus on me. I like walking & thinking because it trains my brain to keep in the positive. I usually have my MP3 player on & going with a sound track that keeps me positive & moving. So I don't even hear what people say to me as they drive by.
Well last week I was walking & my MP3player battery died. I was in the middle of my walk and kept going. Then this truck passed me. A few minutes later it cam passed me again. Then on the third time it passed, stopped & rolled down his window. The guy yelled at me "Hey are you aware how you look like a whale walking on land and flapping around all over your body because you can't breath on land?" He speed off and squealed his tires as he drove off. I just stood there. I instantly felt horrible. It was like being in school again and being made fun of. I instantly remembered the time I was at Allan D Neese 7th grade in St. Augustine Florida. I was wearing a pair of black shorts with my white Jon Knight white t-shirt. I was walking to my next class when Jimmy & his friends Esp., Ran began their daily round of making fun of me. "Oh my God look at the Beach whale walking." "Marie the killer whale. Don't let her hit you when she walks because she'll kill you." other students moved out of the way as I walked past them. Of course I was now red faced and almost crying. They added "The killer whale can't breath." Remembering this only made me feel worse. Jimmy and Ran had made fun of since my days at Mill Creek elementary. They were terrible.

I just walked home. Went into the house. I didn't walk for a few days. It was rough. I felt like that defeated 7th grader again. I thought about that for several days. I went back and walked again but I just walked around the outside of my house over and over. I used weights and even did my stairs a lot. I just couldn't leave my house.

I now realize that was just stupid to give them that kind of control over me. They probably will never remember me why am I remembering them? It is crazy to be like that. I know. I've gone back to my regular walking.

Do any of you ever feel self conscious about how you look when you walk or work out?

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
You can also follow my other accounts that go with this blog.

Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

I Have Something to Say!

I Have Something to Say!

Posting something every day or even once a week is proven to be hard. Why? Sometimes there is nothing new to write about. Sometimes I feel like no one wants to keep hearing- I walked again today-I worked out again-I lost more weight-Today wasn’t as successful as I wished it would have liked it to be. (I think you get the point.) Now believe me, I’m still working towards my goal of becoming healthier and losing weight. That is a daily focus for me.

So this blog is something I have been working on for almost a week. I was watching the TV show on TLC “My 600 lb life”. This show broke my heart because I saw a lot of me in that show. I will not use names of the people on this show. I have never been close to 600 pounds. However, I have been close to 500 pounds. When I finally weighed I had already lost some. I weighed 470. That is a number that hit me just as hard as the people on the show. When they stepped on a scale and saw that number I understand the shock. That is how I felt when I saw I weighed 470 pounds. I didn’t like it all! When the showed how hard it was for the people to move around, I got that too. When the show how they really didn’t feel like someone important, I got that too. When the show showed how scared they were about dying I get that now. (Then I was begging God to die.)

As you know I have a lot in common with that people on this show. I sat there watching three shows in a row. By the time the third one came on I was crying. I mean crying. I understand people’s struggle. I know what is to be Extremely over weight! I understand what it is like to be addicted to food. I know what it is like to eat your emotions. I got it. I wanted to put my arms around the people on the show and HUG them. I wanted to let them know things would be alright. I wanted to let them know they could do this. I jumped on Facebook and posted:

“I'm watching a program on TLC My 600 Pound life.
I understand the depression and feelings of self worth and medical that goes into becoming that size. I do.
I was 470 when I began. I know how painful it can be to move around. My heart goes out to this lady. I want to just help her realize how important she is as a human being. I understand that until she realizes that she won't try. My heart is breaking for this woman.”

I also understand the guts it takes to go that show. I could never do it. NEVER! Yes I share on this blog but even there I have the safety that people don’t truly know me. That know the blog. Yes I’m so truthful with my blog but it is still not as public as on the show. I give these wonderful people who go on that show a lot of respect for putting themselves out there and having the guts to make a change.

I also understand how they feel when people make fun of them. I’ve shared how I have been fun of in the past and even still to this day. This passed Wednesday I was the city bus. It was packed. There was standing room only. I was standing. I heard aloud group of people laughing but I didn’t think nothing of it. Then people got off and there was a sit in front of them. I sat in it. Then a woman in the group said loudly and laughed “OMG! Look at her it is like a walking Suburban.” The whole group began to start cracking joke after joke about me. I found myself hanging my head. Then one of them said “I bet she could give a whale run for his money. She is huge!” Now I was MAD! I was PISSED! I was making a fist. I was getting madder by the minute. I opened my mouth to say something but they got off the bus. I just sat there and tried to calm down. There were other people near where I was sitting and yet no one said anything. So yes I get it. I understand what they feel like when people make fun of them.

One of the people I was watched on the show was being be little’d by someone in their 60’s. People around agreed. Even the ones who didn’t laugh did nothing to help. I was crying for that person. I knew.

I think people often see someone of an extreme size as anything but a human being. That is a sad truth. I know that because I face it every day. I apply for jobs and get told I don’t think you can keep up. Or I get the total look of disgust as the eyes go up and down my body. I get the looks and laughs in the store. I get the comments. And no one cares. No one sees anything wrong with this. I’m here to say STOP IT! We’re human beings. We are people. Yes we’ve allowed ourselves to get so big we don’t know where to begin. Yes we have allowed ourselves to get so caught up in depression and our health issues that we don’t know what to do. Please give us some respect. Treat us like people. Give us a smile not a laugh. Give us encouragement not a put down. You’d be surprised what one small bit of love, kindness and compassion can do. If you don’t believe me read where I began this journey. My sisters act of love helped start it. http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/…/09/my-story-so-far.html  http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

You can also follow my other accounts that go with this blog.

Facebook account that goes with this blog:

https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthyhttp://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/…/09/my-story-so-far.html

Answering a Question

Answering a question…….

I was asked this question through FB message.
"Why should I or anyone else wanting to lose weight listen to someone like you? You are fat."
I have actually been asked this question quite often. It always gets to me. When I saw this question in my Facebook message I got upset. In fact, I got mad. I seem to get over looked a lot. People see my size then just dismiss me without a second thought. It really does hurt to be dismissed.

I wrote a rather lengthy blog in response to the above question. I wrote it when I was mad and hurt. I was rude and seriously vented in that blog posting. However, I didn’t really write anything that would make a difference in that posting. I deleted the blog posting. This is me, trying to honestly answer this question.

Ok I know that I am fat. I am very aware of this fact. If you had ever read one of my blog postings you would have known this fact. I have acknowledged this fact. I have also admitted that yes there have been facts that contributed to my size. I am the one who made the decision to eat and live unhealthy and it has led me to this point in my life. I know this. I am changing this.

Why should you listen to me? Because I have been there. I am still there. I am still in the battle. Yes it is a moment by moment battle. I understand the emotions that go hand in hand with this kind of weight loss. I understand that not all of the emotions are happy or good ones. I have been over weight 95% of my life. I can relate to being extremely over weight.

Why should you listen to me? Wait, I don’t think I am an expert. I do not know all the answers. When I learn something that works I share it. When I have success I share it. When I make mistakes I share it. When I fall down on my face I share it. I share what I am learning. I share what I am doing and that is working for me. Why do I do this? Simple. For a long time I felt like there was no hope for me. I was trapped in the chains I had made for myself. I know and understand how hard it is to get one of the links in your chains to start to give. I have broken free from so many of my chains. I also have taken steps backwards and allowed some of the chains to link back together around me. I have taken steps forward again and broken them again. I understand it. I have more chains to break through. I have ways to go still. I have come a long way. I just want others to feel and know they aren’t alone.  I believe the blog I wrote before this one explains perfectly why I write this blog. It explains why I share my story successes and failures. http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2016/01/to-people-like-me.html

Why should you listen to me? Because I care. I understand. I want you to know you are not alone. I want you know you can do this. If you want I’d love to encourage you along the way. Share emails and messages with you. When you fall I’ll be there to give you a hand up. When I fall, and I know I will, you can give me a hand up. I hope this answers the question.

I started here- http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html 

Facebook account that goes with this blog:https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy To follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

To the People Like Me..

To the people like me…………..

I have no idea why but I have felt like I should write this blog for several days. I finally sat down and wrote it. I do help it reaches someone that needs it.

We all struggle with our weight and wanting to be healthy in some way. I get that but right now I’d like to talk to the gals/guys like me. The kind of people who need to lose over 100 pounds. I’m talking about the people who, like me, are extremely obese. When I started this journey seriously I was 470. (This was after going down some before I weighed.) I want to talk to these people. I want to talk to the people like me that have eaten their feelings. Yes, I said eaten their feelings. For me weight is very much associated with my feelings. When I’m happy, I eat. When I’m sad, I eat. When I’m frustrated/stressed, I eat. When I’m scared, I eat. When I am hurt, I eat. When I’m nervous, I eat. After a panic attack, I eat. Do you see the pattern here? I’m speaking to the guys/gals out there that feel like their body is a trap for them. Yes my body does feel like a trap sometimes. It does prevent me from doing many things I want to do. Why- All the weight hurts my bones. It also makes you tired quicker.

I’m talking to the people who see all of the ads with people who said they lost 30 pounds or I went from a size 12 to 6 and think UMM REALLY? I get it because according to woman within I am a size 42W/44W 6x in knit pants. Jeans is even bigger they’re a 48W. If I was a size 12 I’d be dancing in the street. My ultimate goal is to be 16/18W 1x size. And you’re upset about a size 12?” I get it.

I do understand that everyone wants to lose the weight but it is hard to relate when you’re my size. I am very happy for you that you lost the weight but I’m starting in a whole different place than you. I now that there are many people out there that are like me and starting from the same place like me.

I’m talking to the people like me who have tried and lost a bit but gained a lot more back again. I’m talking to the people that are like me and have started so many times that people dismiss you. I’m talking to the people that feel like there is no hope for them. (I’ve been there. I’ve prayed to die. Read where I began the journey I am on now http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html you will see I truly get it.)

I am in a place in my journey where I now see hope. In fact, I have Hope and Faith that I will become a much healthier person. I have made very huge steps in this process. I’ve fallen on my face but I have gotten back up too.

I’m talking to the people like me who just want someone to understand them. Someone to help them take the slow first step in feeling better. Someone who understands the emotions involved and connected to losing weight for us. I’m talking to people like me who have trouble seeing themselves healthy ever again.

I’m taking to the people like me, which either have been in the dark place or are there now. Please I’m begging you do not give up. Reach out. If not to me then to someone. If you contacted me through email, Twitter or Facebook I’d be more than happy to reply and help you and encourage you. Contact me: https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy or https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy and I will respond. Don’t give up.

I am doing my Journey of Change Breaking Free from the Chains of Panic and Weight. I started slow and then stopped and started and then stopped and then started and stay on it but made mistakes and kept going. Like I said I get it. I understand. I have found a plan that works for me it is through FirstFitness Nutrition. The reason this worked is the coaching I got from Chelley Fendley, Dennis Fendley, Jennifer Edwards, Penny Fox and people that don’t want me to use their names. Plus I reached out to people on line and gained a huge support system. I would love to be your support system. I’d love to help you break free from your weight or even your panic. Just take that first step.

This is the program I am doing www.breakingfree.firstfitness.com

PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP!  

 

 

Things I Have Learned About Me in 2015

It is January 2, 2016 and I am sitting here writing this blog posting while an honest look back at 2015. I had a lot of successes and some mistakes. Ok I have even had some flat out failures. I have learned from failures. I have gotten up and searched for a new path/answer.

Things I have learned about myself:

1-I can easily become distracted from ultimate goals. I don’t mean I quit I mean I allow myself to get so caught up in being busy doing other things that I sometimes forget to take the steps toward my ultimate goals. My distraction also comes from getting tunnel vision. For example, I have this blog, its Facebook and Twitter page, I also have a Fan Page I run on Facebook, My personal Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts, I am the Children/Youth director at my church and its Facebook page, I have started my own business, plus I am looking for part time work to help out, I take care of roommate who can’t live alone and on top of this I am trying to still write my book. I can get such tunnel vision for one of these things that I forget to work on the others at the same time. It isn’t that I don’t think about them or want to work on them I just get so involved in one that I lose track of time or focus and forget about everything else. I haven’t done anything in this blog since mid-December because of that very reason. I got very focused on things for my church group and making Christmas great for the lady I care for I forgot to blog. I haven’t even been able to write in my story for 6 weeks. I also can get sucked into a TV program and lose track of time. I wish I had a DVR it might help or make it worse.

I am still walking and following my FirstFitness Nutrition plan but I forget to let people know about it. Not good because this is my business. This is also a goal of mine.

2-I’m not able to get truly organized. I’m never have been organized. I have piles everywhere on my desk. I know where things are but it just looks messy.

3-I put things off till the last minute way too often. If I think about it and make a list I tend to think it’s done or I have time to finish the project and not realizing how close the date is approaching. So I have a lot of rushing around closer to the date to finish everything. Or I have the opposite problem. I try to plan ahead and every detail and assign people to do their parts and never hear from them. Keep asking for updates and they never reply and I think they aren’t doing their part. I plan too much till people get mad so I back way off and then have the problem of putting things off. I need to find a happy medium between these two.

Basically all of the above items seem to boil down to one major problem in my life. TIME MANAGEMENT! I need to develop/learn this skill. I need to use timers that remind to get off Facebook or move to the group/thing I am working on. The first quarter of the year I am working on developing/learning time management!

Yes I am still working on getting healthy and losing weight. Yes I am still learning how to handle panic attacks. Yes I am still going to be walking and exercising. I am still on the Journey of change. I’m still Breaking Free! I’m just learning a new skill on this journey-Time Management!

I am looking forward to this journey!

Check out my FirstFitness website: http://breakingfree.firstfitness.com/

Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

The Twitter account that goes with this blog

Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy

To see where I began this journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

I'm Back on Here!

I’m Back on Here!

I’m finally able to get back on here. This technology challenged lady somehow locked herself out of my own blog. I have no idea how I did it either. It finally just accepted my same old password.
I have been busy. I mean very busy.

Change to Healthy Journey
I am working on with Salvation Army ringing the bell. I can’t just stand there ringing so I walk back and forth. I’ve even been caught a copy of times dancing. [Well dancing for me] I have it. Now my legs hurt beyond measure. My feet hurt worse. I know my weight doesn’t help this but I know by next year I’ll be able to so much easier with far less pain.
I am still plugging away on First Fitness Nutrition. I love this program because it is easy to do and makes a lot of sense. I am learning how to be healthy. I love how much healthier I feel. I have more energy now. I hate when I have to sit down because my legs need a break. I want to go, do and be active. I love the new me I am becoming.

One of my favorite products right now is the Body FX shakes. I love the tropical crème flavor. I add SF vanilla pudding and man does this shake taste so GOOOOOD! I have an insulated 52oz mug I take this shake with me to work. I make it in the morning with 2 cups of water, the mix and teaspoon of SF vanilla pudding and then fill the blender with ice. It is a good thick shake that travels. This enables me to stay healthy while I am out and about at different places each day and working. It is a great lunch. I pack a small salad of Romaine lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers and mushrooms. I have a shake and a salad for lunch. It is completely healthy. I love it. I can easily have healthy lunch and still be on the program.

Now I want to say something here. This program is not just shakes. Oh no! You have so much food to eat and choose from. You learn so much about healthy choices. Your taste changes and begins to crave the healthy. You prepare so much fresh ingredients and food. Yes the shake is a huge help but it is just one of many tools that help me change my life to healthy.

Great News is I’m losing inches. I’m wearing some blouses I haven’t been able to wear for years. I’m starting to get excited about clothes again.

Panic and Anxiety
I had someone ask me if this still made an appearance in my life. Yes it does. Yes it is an issue in my life. In fact, just yesterday I was working ringing the bell and the store I was working at got super busy. People coming in and out of the store. This store only had one entrance and exit. It got super busy and crowed. I mean crowed! I have never liked crowds. Well I started to feel trapped and wanted away. I hate feeling trapped. Now when ringing the bell I have to keep smiling and greeting people. The shaking helped ring the bell. I just kept ringing the bell. For about an hour I was a nervous and jumping. I just propped myself up against the wall behind me and kept smiling. It was a fake smile but I was still there. I wasn’t running away from the job. I was still there. When the store business slowed down I began to feel better again. I felt like I was going to be alright.

Yes my nerves still get to me. Yes I still do not like this part of me. It drives me crazy. However, I’m learning so much about just accepting this is who I am and I can still have a wonderful life.

To see where I began this journey please read my first blog posting:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Facebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy

To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy