Workout….. No Longer a Dirty Word

I know some of you reading this are laughing at the tittle of this blog. I know you to remember who is writing this blog. Me! Now think about the title I bet it makes a little more sense now. Just in case it doesn’t let me take you back to this time last year. I look back now and I don’t even know who that person is anymore. This time last year I was depressed and had no will to live. In fact, I wanted to die. I even asked to die. All I saw was black everywhere. I hated everything about me.

New Year’s all start out with so much hope. We all say this will be the year that I am going to conquer a list of problems. This will be the year I lose so much weight. This is the year I will finally look pretty. This will be the year I make people proud of me and it last. By this time last year, and every New Year, I had given up. I quit. I figured what is the point. I’ll never change. I would try to do exercise videos and quit. Well this is where I was this time last year. If you told this 469 pound [last year’s weight] woman to workout I would give you every excuse in the book. [I bet even some you hadn’t heard yet.] Well one excuse I’d use is I can’t even get past song 2 in Richard Simmons DVD and have to go to cool off. I’d be so short of breath and unable to breath. I would be dizzy and every part of my body would be on fire and in pain. I say “what’s the point”  I can’t do three songs and that doesn’t get you to lose weight. I’d quit. I even had excuses for walking. I can only walk for about 8 minutes so why bother. I am cringing just thinking of all the excuses I use to use. To me, “Workout” was a dirty word.

Well I’m sure you all know how my New Year began in May 2013 and I’ve been changing my life. If you don’t know here’s the link to read how I begin breaking free.  http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

Well now I’d like to talk about the present. I finished working out about an hour ago. Yes I worked out. YAY! I have been working out at least four times a week. I am doing a Richard Simmons DVD and have made it past song 2. In fact, I am doing 7/10 songs. Next week I go for 8/10. I am being to like how I feel after a workout. I have blood flow. I also feel happier. I don’t feel so depressed, angry, or frustrated. I miss working out when I don’t get to work out. [I know it blows my mind too] I’m even walking now. I’m learning that when I walk I can think clearer. I can refocus my mind. [I have to do that a lot.] I also find it helps me to let go of the things that make me panic. It has helped me reduce the number of panic attacks I have. [This is awesome.] I have music that reminds me of my goals as I walk. It is my time to just let it all go. I am always fast but I do steadier and have built up more endurance for walking. [Yay me!]

Now here is what I have gained by working out and doing this journey of change. I’m breaking through so many walls that I have had around me. It was a fortress to get to know me.  I use to try to become whatever other people thought I should be. I hide the real me. I became what each person wanted or needed me to be. I didn’t even know myself. I am beginning to find me. I never really left I just buried myself under so much crap and weight that I was drowning.  I am beginning to know me. Guess what? I like me. I’m a funny, intelligent, creative, fun, caring, understanding, loving, and magical person. I’m realizing that I am someone worth knowing. I love to laugh now. I also have come to realize I have a sense of humor. [A unique one but a great sense of humor] I never thought I find myself through working out and becoming healthier but I did. I’m not letting go of myself either.

I hope all who are reading this realize how wonderful it is to let go/break free. For me I had to break free of the chains of panic and weight. I have broken several links in these chains and will continue to break to gain more of myself back.

What are you breaking free from?

Here’s a weight and measure update:

January 28, 2014
May of 2013 numbers in Red
Now numbers in Blue

Weight-                 469.5                     418    Loss of 51.5

Upper Arms-         L-21 ½” R-21”      L-19”  R-19 1/2” Loss of 4”

Chest-                    none

Bust-                      54”              51.5” Loss of 2.5”

Waist-                    53”              50”    Loss of 3”

Hips-                     79 ½”           74”  Loss of 4.5”  

Thighs-                  L-48 ½”  R-46 ½”  L-45.5” R-46” Loss of 3.5”

Calves-                  L-26 ½”  R-27 ½” L-25” R-26” Loss of 3”

Total inches loss from head to toe is-20.5

What is not on here is all bulges and rolls of fat that are gone. I use to measure these and had bigger numbers in inches. But Realized it wasn’t right b/c these shifted and some are even now gone! This is a more accurate number for me. I’m very pleased. I know my body and see the results in no only loss of bulges and rolls of fat but in my ability to function better.

I’m most excited about my hips and thighs going down. I can’t wait till they go down because this is the area I hate the must. OK thighs and butt are a close second.

[None of you know how scary and hard it is to put numbers like this on here but for me. I'm doing it to help keep me going & hopefully kick me in the butt to do more to make these numbers go back down.]

 

Amazing!

Amazing!
I am writing this post with a big smile on my face. :0) I got some amazing news and have made some major decisions. This is a great thing! Worth a few :0) :0) :0) :0) :0)

First let’s talk about the amazing news I received. I have written on a volunteer bases for this blog and Disney Websites but I have never been paid for them. Well this has changed. I now am a paid writer. I was very excited when I found this out. [Picture me doing celebration dance around my room and screaming for joy! I woke my roommate up.] I am very excited. I’m thrilled. I wrote about two subjects I enjoy, Disney and being healthy. If you would like to read this article here is the link for it:

http://www.disneydining.com/four-tips-eating-healthy-walt-disney-world/

Second let’s talk about major decisions that have been made. Readers of this blog already know I have a huge major weight loss goal and reward. This is huge goal. So I’ve breaking them down into smaller goals along the way. I now have my next goal. A friend of mine is taking me with her family on their Walt Disney World [WDW] vacation in May. I have been there and worked there so I have many wonderful memories with WDW yet I have always struggled being there as well. My weight has made it hard. You see it puts a lot of strain on back, knees, hips, and my feet. I’d always walk around in so more pain. I would be tired by the lunch. I also haven’t been able to fit on many rides. This meant I would sit and wait on my family and friends as they went on rides. Not very much fun. There are plenty of rides I can ride at WDW but many I have not been able to enjoy. The last visit there I even had trouble fitting on ones I have for years now. This really helped me to want to change. My next weight lost goal is 50 pounds and 50 inches [from head to toe] by the trip to WDW in May. When I achieve this weight loss goal I will finally be under 400 pounds. I want to walk and workout more to give me energy and endurance for the trip in May. I know I there will still be rides I will not be able to ride but I’ll also be able to ride more than before. Yay!

This is where I am right now on this Journey of Change. I have made posters and encouraging things that are placed up on my wall in my room. I am on track for this goal to be achieved. [If you could see my wall you would laugh at the combination of things on it but it is perfect for me.] I will keep you posted on my progress of this next goal.

If you are interested in reading how I began this Journey of change here is the link:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

U Turn

U Turn

Depression! What a nasty word. It is a mean little monster. It sneaks in and then slowly takes controls. Depression is not my friend. Since the first of the year I have been battle depression every day. It is driving me batty. My nerves have been shot as well. I have four panic attacks this year. Not a good thing. I have just not been at my best lately.

I have been worried so much lately about money. I still don’t have a job. I am still caring for a friend in exchange for a place to live but that doesn’t cover other things like food, hygiene, and other things. So I am worried. I am trying to eat healthier and be on the right track as far as food goes. Sometimes with $30 to $100 for a month for food that just doesn’t cut it. I have to swallow a lot of pride and go stand in line at a lot of food banks and eat a lot of sweets, pasta and bread. [That’s what I always get and always grateful for it.] Then I feel guilty for eating it because I am breaking the rules about healthier eating. I feel guilty because people are helping me and I am letting them down by eating the crappy food. I start feeling like I am letting down the people who are trying to help me. Then I know I should weigh in but I don’t want to. I start to get this knot in my stomach. My mouth starts getting very dry and I start to shake. Then I can’t no matter what I do catch my breath. It is terrible. I have thoughts running through my head like-“I can’t weigh because the numbers will show I have gained weight. I will have to tell people I have gained weight. I will let them down. They will be so disappointed in me.” So I don’t weigh. I walk away from the scale. I have failed yet again. I have let people down again.

My mind and emotions keep going from here. Then I reach a point of STOP! I try telling myself I am alright! I try going for a walk around my neighborhood. [Not safe in my area. I have almost been run over or I trip and sprain my ankle every time I do this.] This leads to more frustration!

Then people asking how much more weight I’ve lost and I tell them the truth and I get responses like- “Really that’s all you lost.” “You’re not losing the amount of weight you should be losing” or “Have you just quit?” [The last one is my favorite]

I also am not sleeping at night. No matter what I do I can’t fall asleep. When I do, I don’t stay asleep. It is very frustrating. I usually fall asleep about 4 or 5 in the morning. I then wake up around 11 or 12. Then I am behind on my schedule. I wake up behind and with things not done already. I’m behind on taking medicine and eating. I get nervous and then frustrated just getting out of the bed. This also makes me one grumpy person.

This is where I am right now. This is not where I am going to stay.

I have decided not to follow the schedule I have made up. Since I am not sleeping there is no way I can get up at 6am and start my day. Not happening. I am writing a schedule that makes more sense for me. Yes I’ll be eating breakfast later than most but hey it’s ok. I have decided that yes the food giving to me may not be the healthiest but I can choose the healthiest options of what is giving to me. I have decided to weigh and breathe and know I’ll be alright. I didn’t get to over 400 pounds over night. I know I won’t lose weight overnight neither.

I wish I could report happier and more progress but this is where I am right now.  I haven’t quit. I will achieve this goal. I will continue on the journey of change. My goal is to have more progress to write about on my next blog. I'm taking a U Turn and going back the right way.

The Journey of Change Continues in 2014

The Journey of Change Continues in 2014

This is the time of year when everyone makes a list of all the things they want to accomplish in the New Year. Well that has already started for me. I began changing my life in May of this year. I am loving the changes and the ME that is coming through now. I know I still have a long way to go but I will reach my goals.

I have already overcome so much this past year. I was at the point where I prayed to die. I told God to take me home now. But Thankfully he didn’t do that. I am here. To understand where I began my journey read my very first blog post:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

There are many things I have learned this year. I have learned that I am an emotional eater. Whoever said eating and emotions do not go together has never met me. I have noticed when I over eat and when I don’t. I know the signs now and I am putting things in place to prevent this.

I also learned that I am a person who needs a schedule. I hate this as well. I do better when I have schedule and plan ahead. I am writing one up today. I am getting back on track. [Bonus fact it helps me not have as many panic attacks.]

Thanksgiving to Christmas has been rough on me. It is hard to say no to all these wonderful sweets people offer you and give you.  I am proud to say I didn’t gain a huge amount of the weight I lost back. I gained six pounds back. L However, I am alright with that because I know I did it when I gave in & ate what I shouldn’t have.

I also have realized there are so many things that I want to do. You see when I began this journey I was 469 pounds. I was not active at all. I didn’t do anything. Now I am beginning to be active and do things. I also want to do so many things. I have a bucket travel list, I want to learn to dance, I wanna do the waltz, I wanna do the walk for a cure I want to record me performing and share it now and………………………. The list goes on and on. My niece told me that if I lost all the weight she would go on the rides that scare her at Walt Disney World with me. I have something new to motivate me. That will be like a new trip for me. Riding the rides I normally can’t. As you can see I have a new passion for having an active life.

My biggest goal is still going on the 2015 New Kids on the Block cruise. To celebrate the new me and what I have achieved. [Here’s a secret I’m scared to death of getting on that huge ship. I’m so afraid I’ll have a panic attack & flip out & won’t be able to board] I want to do this cruise to meet Jonathan Knight and thank him for saving my life and inspiring me. All of NKOTB have but Jonathan really did save me.

[To understand what I mean read http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html ]

So here are my goals for 2014:

1-Contiune on the Journey of Change. I want to lose 130 to 150 pounds this year.

2-I want to gain strength and endurance. I will walk and exercise more. I want no more flabby arms, legs, or just the whole body.

3-I need a job! I need one I can walk to and from without being run off the road. [I have had that happen three different times] I apply for the jobs and even do over phone interviews and they want me then they see me and everything changes. Well I have decided not to let that be what stops me anymore. I need a job. I have bills and a cruise to save up for. [Because I know I will reach my goals.]

4-I want to finish my book this year.

5-I want to finish the Christmas play for church I am writing.

6-I want to start recording me performing songs in Sign Language and posting them.

7-I want to inspire the youth I work with on Wednesday nights.

8-I want my blog to grow and help people realize that change can still happen. It’s not too late.

9-I want to cross off some of my bucket list this year as well.

 

These are just a few things I want to do this year but I know I will always add more. Life is never finished when you achieve a goal; it just means you can now go on a new adventure.

I hope that you all have a Blessed and Magical 2014.

I Just Did It!

I Just Did It!

Yesterday I posted on Facebook how much better I was feeling. I said I was listening to “O Holy Night” and wishing I could perform it. [I perform songs in Sign Language] I love doing that song one of my all-time favorite Christmas carols. Well the music minister of my church saw my post and said come prepared to do it. So I did.

At church I am going through sound check and practicing song when suddenly I can’t breathe. I can’t think. My hands are shaking. I just stop at the beginning of the second verse. I told them “I got it” and I got out of there as quickly as I could. I had to get some air. I was still shaking. [Thank God winter jackets hide a lot.]

I hate this part of me because I enjoy performing songs. I feel alive when I’m on stage performing but for some reason I was having trouble calming down.

I go into the Sunday school area and get informed I am teaching the 4^th to 6^th because the teacher is out. I wasn’t prepared for this and I hate surprises. So I have nothing ready and have to go into a class and wing it. [As if I wasn’t shaking enough]

I go into the class and our lesson was “What are we thankful for about Christmas. I had them draw and make list. I started trying to refocus my brain. I was telling myself “to breathe” “You’re ok” “breathe Marie” “Stop shaking” “Focus on something calming” “Focus on something you like” I was telling myself all the things to refocus and calm me down. It helped some but not a lot.

After Sunday school we went to church. I was nervous the entire time. My hands kept shaking. No matter what I did my hands were shaking. Then I was next. I wanted to leave the church. [I almost left the service twice] I took a deep breathe [didn’t help] walked up on stage and closed my eyes. Music started and I just let go and did it. I told myself I had to do this. My hands were like a robot in the first part of the song and by the end I was shaking. I could hardly look at the audience but I did it. I didn’t run off.

When it was over I went to my pew got my jacket and purse and almost left because I was shaking and having trouble breathing. But I stopped and sat on the last row and just rocked myself until I calmed down. Within 15 minutes I was calmed down and ok.

The fact that I stayed and didn’t run from this is major. You see when I have a panic attack all I want to do is run. RUN! I want to run from everything and everyone. I feel like everything is closing in around me and I’m being squished till all the breath in me is gone. I feel out of control and my body doesn’t stop shaking. The fact that people see me like this only makes the problem worse not better. I am proud of me today because I didn’t give into the panic. I didn’t let the panic take away the joy I have when I perform. I just did it while still having a panic attack. I am blessed.

To read about my journey from the beginning click on this link.

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

 

I have no idea what to write....

I have no idea what to write……..

I am aware it has been since Thanksgiving day since I wrote anything. It has been kind of crazy for me. I’m sorry. I wish I had some good news to report as far as weight loss goes but I don’t. Going to two Thanksgiving dinners and living off spaghetti and rice I have gotten from the food banks has taken a toll on me. I have gained some weight back. I am so mad at myself right now.

I have to be honest here. [This is one of those times when I would love to pass the buck but I promised myself I would be honest with myself] I haven’t done the water or the exercise like I should have done. Yes I was living on stuff from the food banks but if I had continued the exercise and water I don’t think I would be in this mess right now. [I gained 10 pounds back]

I am so ashamed of myself right now. I feel like I have let down friends and family. I know I have let myself down. I almost didn’t write this blog because I am afraid of the comments I would receive from certain people. [You know the ones who love to jump on you when you fail and then keep you down.]

Well I have to move forward from this because the only thing I can change is the present. So I am leaving this set back in the past and now given myself a clean slate. [Working on forgiving myself.] I am going back on the journey of change stronger with more determination. I am still going to achieve this. J J

What I am Grateful for

What I am Grateful for:

Well it is Thanksgiving Day and I have a lot to be grateful for. The beginning of this year I was a miserable person. By May I was just waiting for God to take me home. I had lost all hope. I didn’t see the point of continuing. To understand how I got to this point please read my first blog. Here is the link: http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

I am grateful God didn’t take me home but let me live and has blessed me a huge support system. I am grateful for my salvation. Thank you.

I am grateful for my sister Chelley because she loved me enough to point me on the journey of change. Chelley I love you and respect you so much. Thank you for having the courage to help me. I am also grateful to her husband Dennis because he has been an awesome cheerleader from the sideline for me. Dennis you rock and our family is blessed to have you our lives.

I am grateful for all my family and their motivation for me.

I am also grateful for my friends. I love you gals and guys so much. You have no idea how much I am grateful for you in my life.

Judi what can I say that you don’t already know. You are so kind to me. You make sure I have a place to stay as I go through this journey of change. You keep me from being homeless. Judi do so much more than keep me from being homeless. You put up with me on a daily bases. You listen to me, encourage me, and kick my butt. Thank you for all your love and support. You are my sounding board for my story and every time listen with real interest and joy. Thank you for being the “Lizard”.

Sandra I don’t have to tell you how much you mean to me we have been friends since I was 7 and you were 5. We have experienced life the good, bad and ugly and yet you are still my friend. Thank you. I miss you and love you.

Valleri we have known each other for years but have gotten so close these past month. WOW! We do some interesting and fun late night chat. Thank you. You let me vent, cry and ramble on for hours over our favorite topic. [WCG] I admire how you are facing Lupus head on. Lupus has damaged or shut down so much of your body and yet you have a heart and determination to enjoy life. That is a huge encouragement for me. Thank you. I love you Valleri. [Oh and I am so proud of the fact I made you into a Block Head. YEA!]

Nikki, aka my Disney buddy, thank you for putting up with me. You are always there. You and your family mean so much to me. I am grateful for everything we do together. I love our Disney trips together. [Even the ones we do on YouTube to hold us over.] I am so glad we met. I gained you as a friend and your kids as adopted nieces and nephews. [Your husband as the annoying brother but hey that’s cool too.]

Angela I know you through Nikki but the past 6 months we have gotten closer. I like that fact. I am so grateful for the rides you have given me. You rock!

I am also thankful for the people of FirstFitness Nutrition. They are awesome supporters. Chelley, Dennis, Jennifer, Brandi and the whole gang. Thank you.

I want to thank my friends on Facebook for their support as well. There are few who just always quick with praise and encouragement for me. Tina Martinez, Carolyn Norton, Kat Duvall Cindy Shorey and Nellie Harmon I say thank you for the support you have given me. You gals are just AWSOME!!!!!! Loves you.

I joined Twitter in September and gained a lot of surprise support that I never dreamed of. If you told me a year ago I would be so happy because people on Twitter make my day, I would have laughed in your face. But here I am and that is true. It started out just being Block Heads and now there are some who I have gotten to know and I’m very blessed for it. Tammy, Argie, J’Adore, Beth, Natasha, Nyia, Denise, Martha and Stephanie I am grateful for you ladies in my life. I hope to continue to build our friendship together. Keep Hangin’ Tough.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews in my life that bring me great joy and I am grateful for each and every one of them. They always make me smile.

I wish everyone a Blessed and Magical Thanksgiving. Thanks for letting me count my blessings with you.