How does a Panic Attack Feel.....
As you all know I have had some wonderful
experiences and events happen in my life this past month. I’m grateful for them
all. I am also grateful that I was able to do them. I didn’t let me nerves get
the best of me.
Well I’ve been sick, tired, weak and dizzy
since I got back from vacation. Then my dad has gone into the hospital.
[Without giving details it is serous] I haven’t been able to see him. I’ve been
very concerned about him. I haven’t been able to walk since I got home from vacation
due to coughing and being dizzy. Walking is a stress relief for me. But I’ve
been able to stay positive.
Well last night happened. I woke up from a
nightmare already in a state of panic. I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like
my bedroom was closing in on me trying to kill me. My body was shaking from
head to toe. I hands and arms were really shaking on me. I couldn’t slow down
the thoughts in my head. I couldn’t refocus my brain. I was trying to focus on
my safe and happy place but it wasn’t happening. I kept feeling like I was
stuck in my nightmare. [A memory one] I saw my tablet by my bed and grabbed it.
It took me ten minutes just to log on because my hands were shaking so much. I
finally logged onto Twitter. I made myself think of nothing but Twitter. I
posted what was happening to me. Luckily there was some nice people on line.
They chatted with me till I was calmer. It took me a while and a lot of
refocusing of my brain and thoughts but I was able to get out of the panic and
into a much calmer place. I was able to fall asleep again a couple hours later.
Yet this morning I’m being quite hard on
myself. I feel so ashamed! I always feel so ashamed when these happen. I also
feel like I owe everyone an apology when I have these. Today is no different. I
just had the most amazing month. I traveled and did new experiences a lone. I
did something I’ve always wanted to do. Yet at home in my room I had a huge
panic attack. I’m just upset with myself right now.
I had some message me this morning and ask
me what it was like to have a panic attack. That is hard to put into words. I
can give you the definition of them but that really doesn’t do it justice. I
also know that panic attacks feel different for everyone who experiences them.
When I explain them I’m explaining it from my experience. I can’t say if it is
what everyone experiences.
I have different things that trigger panic
attacks but that’s another posting. For me it begins with this feeling of
dread, feeling of doom, feeling of fear, feeling like everything is going
wrong, there is too much to handle and take in, there is too much happening,
there are too many demands, there is just so much, people are watching me, the
room is getting smaller, the space is getting smaller, the air is getting less,
the pressure is starting to hurt me, the pressure is pushing against me it is
closing in around me, the room is now even smaller, the ceiling is closing in
on me, my mind is betraying me, my thoughts have left me, I can’t think, I
can’t remember things, I can’t focus, OMG! What’s going to happen to me? I must
leave, I must get away, I must escape, I can’t think, what is wrong with my
brain? Where have my thoughts gone? Why is there no space? I have no air, I’ve
got to get away from here! I’m not safe! I’m going to get hurt! I can’t take
this! I’ve got to get away! I must get AWAY!!! I can’t breathe, my heart is
beating so fast, my body is betraying me, it is shaking, it is out of control,
I have no control, I HAVE TO ESCAPE! I’M GOING TO GET HURT! I’M IN TROUBLE! I
WANT TO ESCAPE! The room has needles in it and all of them are pressing into
me. The air is almost gone. I can’t focus, I can’t think, please just go away,
PLEASE EVERYTHING GO AWAY!
At this point I try to escape. I try to
run off. I don’t like people near me or touching me when I have panic attacks
so I run off and run off away from everyone. I have gotten in such a state of
panic in the past that I have forgotten who I was. Imagine how scared you would
be when you can’t remember who you are. It makes the panic worse for sure. I have never had anyone show me or teach me but I have
learned things that trigger these. I have also learned that planning ahead helps me. I
research and plan events ahead. [This drives my family and friends crazy] But this does help me a
lot! My trip to Dallas I planned everything. I had researched the route the Greyhound
would take. I researched how far the it was from Greyhound station to the American Airline
Center. I looked up pictures of what it looked like on the inside. I mean I
looked up everything. It helped. I still had a moment, a small moment but I was
able to handle it. I did the same thing for Orlando. So planning ahead really
helps me.
I’ve also taught myself to refocus my brain. I refocus
my mind to focus on thoughts that make me happy and are positive. I also focus
my mind to think of things that make me feel safe. I’ve learned that refocusing
my thoughts to something that makes me feel safe and happy truly does help me
calm down. However there are still times when it doesn’t work. Those are the
worst because it takes a lot to calm me down. It also takes a lot out of me
physically and emotionally. This is
where I am today.
So today I’m spending time reminding myself that I’ve
come a long way. I’m reminding myself that I can do this. I’m going to get up
again and go for it!
To see where I began this journey:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.htmlFacebook account that goes with this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/Change2Healthy
To follow me on Twitter
Account for Blog-https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
Personal one where I mostly talk to BH’s about the guys-but I do talk to anyone who contacts me.
No comments:
Post a Comment