Thanksgiving Nerves

Thanksgiving  Nerves

Well I have read post after post on Twitter and FB about how everyone is so excited and preparing for the Thanksgiving. Well I’m not. I am so grateful for the many blessings of this year. I have had so many. [Will have article about that tomorrow] You see I like holidays through the year. I hate the socializing that goes with them. I am already dreading tomorrow so much so I am sick to my stomach. This happens every time I have to go to these kinds of things. I head starts spinning with all the thoughts that go through my head. The worry and fear. Yes it is a fear for me. I hate it but it is there and a part of me.

Tomorrow I have a day where I get to see my entire family. All my siblings and their children will be there. I love my nieces and nephews. I miss getting to see them. Yet the thought of going there with everyone fills me with fear and dread. I always seem to be so nervous and so afraid that they will know I am scared or see that I am shaking a bit that I sit and just don’t say much or nothing at all. I always end up coming home with so upset at myself because I wasn’t very social with everyone. This doesn’t just happen with family either it happens when I’m at friends’ houses as well. I always feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I am the one who doesn’t fit into the group.

This is the one factor about myself that I hate. I hate that this happens to me. I am on a journey of change and have made great progress but this evening I am just trying to stop and breathe. I trying to remember that it will be alright and tomorrow will be wonderful. My nerves have made their presence known and I am trying to ruin them in.

I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving.

Visual Aid

Visual Aids

I am a very visual person. I tend to forget things if I can’t see them or be reminded of them daily. So I made myself posters. My room/office/workout area has them covered all over them. I like them. It will help a lot. Here are my visual aids:

 

 

 

These should keep me motivated.

A Glooming and Panic Filled Day

A Glooming and Panic Filled Day

Well my day started out ok and then I went to leave my house and it all fall apart. I suddenly couldn’t breathe well. I was shaking all over. I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t walk out of my door. I couldn’t do it. I felt like my house was pushing in around me. All four sides were crushing me. I felt like the roof was coming down on me as well. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t deal with it. I just keep trying to breathe. I finally was able to move and what did I do I went back to bed.

This sucks. I hate this part of me. I do. I mean all I was going to do was go for a walk. I was going to take a small walk and I couldn’t do it. [I am so mad at myself.] I went back to bed and stayed there till about 11 this morning. Then when I tried to get out of bed and just get ready for some friends coming over today I had to just stop because I couldn’t take it. I was so over whelmed. It took me a while to refocus and breathe again.

Today I feel deflated. I’m working on refocusing and starting again. [As I write this my hands shakes and I’m trying not to cry]

Unexpected Joy

Unexpected Joy

Something happened when I started this journey for change that I never expected. I was reconnected to the writer inside me. It is flowing free. I have started writing a story. [I’m not sure if it will be a book or a play.] As for right now I am writing this in play form [with tons of details] and then hope to go back and write in novel form. I am having so much fun writing this. The more I write in the story the more I feel like I am freeing myself. Hard to explain what that means but that is what is happening. It is an amazing process. I feel so creative and alive. I love it!!!!!!!  My story has a bit of myself in it but also a lot of what I am striving to become. It is a work of love on part as well. I can’t till I get work finished each day just to write again.

I have two main characters in my story that are shaping out to be amazing, intriguing, complicated, strong, inspiring, brave, talented, and wonderful. I love these characters. They are Melody and Dean. Both encompass the kind of human being I want to be. I can’t wait for it to be finished so I can introduce you all to these two.

I hope all who read this have a blessed and magical day. J

Off My Butt

Off My Butt

I wasn’t able to walk today nor do workout DVD due to having technical problems. So I did a lot of other work. The only problem is I sat all day to do this work. L I realized tonight that my legs and feet hurt [Not to mention my butt] from not being active today. So now I am cleaning my house from top to bottom. I know it isn’t a workout but it is not just sitting on my butt.

I hope everyone was off their butt today as well.

Inspired Again

Inspired Again

There are moments that no matter how hard you try you forget or lose sight of the goal or why you are doing something. Well that was happening to me. I have a couple friends who were asking why I hadn’t written any more blog updates. They also wanted to know why I seemed to be less motivated. I didn’t realize I had become less motivated. But I cause I had. No one reads my blogs [if they do they comment on them] and no one shares them so I feel like I was wasting my time on them. Then I had to remember that I was doing this for myself. I am not a waste of time. So I spent about an hour today and re read my blogs. I read my first blog and realized that I have made a lot of progress and should keep going and recording my journal for myself. [If anyone else reads this and is encouraged then that is an added blessing]

So I started here:

http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html

And now I am here:

Further along this enlightenment path. I am 54 pounds and 56 inches liter as well. I am gaining a lot of energy each day. I am thrilled to say I am gaining confidence as well. I am really starting to like myself and that is a great thing.

My wish is that if anyone else reads this blog they learn this as well.

Getting back on the Track

Back on Track

I realize it has been a while since my last update and I am sorry. I really didn’t want to update because the news wasn’t happy. I have let myself down and didn’t want to share that. I don’t want to let my friends and family down who read this. I have had a rough two weeks. As far as losing the weight, I am still on the journey. I am still working out. Now could I have been a lot more proactive this past two weeks in this journey? Yes. I have slacked off a lot these past two weeks.

I have had a crappy time these past two weeks. I just am having trouble keeping it together. I have had 8 panic attacks in two weeks. I am so pissed at myself for having them. [I am having several issues that are personal and I can’t share due to family reads this blog] The attacks have gotten so bad that just the thought of leaving my house and going to the store with my mom sent me into one. It took me two hours to calm down enough to get in the car. [I am so glad she was late.] I then wasn’t good company for my mom to be around. I couldn’t deal. I sat in the back seat hoping she didn’t notice I was shaking. [I am so grateful she didn’t know.] I haven’t been able to leave my house for a walk either. This makes me even madder at myself because that is part of my exercise routine.

So it has been a terrible two weeks for me. I was making such good progress and then this happened. I have no good news to share but I promised myself I would be honest in this blog no matter what so today I am biting the bullet and writing and sharing about my failures. It is so hard to be honest about the failures. But that is all part of embracing all aspects of myself.

I have stood back up and putting myself back on track.