New Goals and Motivation……..
Of course my ultimate goal is still a NKOTB Cruise.
I was hoping to get on the 2015 cruise but two reasons kept me from going. 1-I
didn’t lose the weight loss goal I set. I refuse to reward myself if I didn’t
achieve it. I also know I let life & depression take over again. In all
honesty I really didn’t earn this year’s cruise. 2- Honesty the finances didn’t
allow for me to go this year. Not having a permit job for a while really does
limit ones options. So my goals have changed due to an expected gift.
New Kids on the Block are touring again. Yes! I was
gifted a ticket to see them in Dallas on May 14th. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I have a lot to do before I can enjoy this concert. Let me explain-
You all know I am an extremely large woman. I’ve
been working on getting this weight off for a while now. Due to this problem I
also can’t stand more than twenty minutes at a time without my legs and ankles
hurting beyond belief. [A concert is much longer than that.] I also can’t sit
more than thirty minutes without my legs and hips starting to hurt. [Again a
concert is longer than that.] There is also the chair to consider. How to put
this nicely? My backside is bigger than most chairs. This leads to chairs
cutting off circulation in my legs. It also adds a lot of pressure to my hips
and legs. If a chair has arms on it, forget it I can’t get into it at all. As
you can tell I don’t go out much due to this fact. When I do I try to hide the
fact that after a half I’m in pain. A lot of pain! I also get even more
stressed out and nervous when I go to a place I don’t know. I start thinking
about a whole list of things. What if there are arms on the chairs and I can’t
fit into it? What if I have to ask for a different chair? What if there isn’t
another chair? What if there are a bunch of people around me who are mean and
make rude and horrid comments to me? [This has happen often in my life.] What
if after buying my ticket and I can’t fit into the chair? What then? Will I be
moved further back? Will I be turned away? [This has happened to me before
too.] As I think all of these things I begin to get nervous and panicky. I
slowly begin to shake. I start to feel this sick tight pressure in my gut and
then in my chest. That leads me to another question. What if I have a panic
attack? What if I have a panic attack in front of everyone? I always feel so
ashamed when I have a panic attack in front of family or friends. I can’t begin
to explain how ashamed or how much of a failure I feel like if I have a panic
attack in front of people I don’t know. Oh God please don’t let me have a panic
attack in front of everyone. [Can you start to see the problem here?]
In 2008 NKOTB reunited and went back on tour. I was
going to go and see them in Dallas then. I had the money. I was so excited. I
let all the questions and fears from above stop me. I didn’t go. I let fear, my
weight and my panic attacks keep me from going. I bought my best friend in FL a
ticket. She went for me in Orlando. [She is also a NKOTB fan.] She called me
several times from the concert to let me hear them. She got pictures for me.
She even bought me a t-shirt from the concert. She told me “I know you can’t
fit into it now but you will someday.” I have missed NKOTB every time they
toured. I told people it was due to the fact they won’t coming to AR. Or that I
didn’t have the money. I never told people that I had someone who was going to
buy my ticket every time. I always made excuses trying to hide the real reason.
I just couldn’t risk having a panic attack in front of people. I couldn’t risk
going somewhere and have people treat me horrible again. I couldn’t be made fun
of again. I let fear and shame stop me from going.
Well not this time. I found out NKOTB were touring again.
I asked the person who offered to buy my ticket before if they were willing to
buy it this time. They were and they did. [Poor thing I bugged them every day
till the ticket was bought.] I got the ticket.
Now back to the problems listed above. I have a plan
on how to handle them.
1-How to fix the problem about standing more than
twenty minutes at a time. I already can do a Richard Simmons DVD. I will
continue to do that. I also have already added more walking to my daily
routine. I’ve now added even more. I have also joined the gym/community center.
I’m doing water aerobics and stretches in the water. Right now it is an hour
but I hope to get up to two hours a day. I walk there and home. I’ve also
started watching TV standing up. I’ll move from side to side. I watch TV
standing up to get my legs used to standing for longer periods of time. [I will
be standing at the concert.] I watch Blue Bloods standing for two rounds of commercials.
Then I sit till the next round of commercials. I do for every TV show I watch.
My goal is to do this for the entire show. [I do this for any other TV show I
watch too.] By February is to be able to watch Amazing Race, Hawaii Five-O, and
Blue Bloods standing and moving the entire time. This will add endurance to my
standing time. [Of course still do this for any TV I watch.]
2-The fitting into the chair concern. I already know
that the chairs will not have arms on them. I was able to get a floor sit. I
tried for an aisle sit but wasn’t able to do that. [I’m hoping the people
beside me understanding and not rude.] I’m already exercising and working on losing
the weight. This concern is being taken worked on. I don’t know how to calm my
nerves on this issue. I’ve been to concerts or events in the past and people I
have sat beside have made some mean comments about my size. [Let’s just leave
it at that.] I have flown and bought my two seats and still had the third person
complain about me sitting there. I’m just worried about what the people sitting
beside me will do. There wasn’t enough to buy the second ticket. I know I’ll be
standing the entire time because if I sit I’ll take up too much space. I’m
still very worried about how people will act towards me. My history in this
area hasn’t always been good. This one I’m still working on.
3-The fear of having a panic attack, I don’t know
how to change this one. It could happen. It could not happen. I keep telling
myself to focus on the fact I’ll see NKOTB in concert. Only focus on that. It
helps but in the back of my mind there is always this fear of having a panic
attack. I’m still working on this one.
4-I’m also taking a greyhound bus to the concert. It
is a six hour trip. I’m changing for the concert at the station then going to
concert and taking bus home. This is going to be a long day. But worth it to
see NKOTB. All the steps I’ve taken to improve my health will help me on the
Greyhound bus. I’ll be able to handle all the travel much better. [Thankful for
MP3 player.]
As you can see I have a lot of things I am working
on to be able to go to this concert. This is my first major goal. I will be able
to do this. I know I will. I’m in count down mode till May 14th. I’m
going to enjoy the concert. Who knows maybe I’ll even be able to hug Jon. Hey I
can dream.
I have to close this blog posting because I have a
water aerobics class to walk to.
To see where my journey began read my first blog:
http://mmbreakingfree.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-story-so-far.html
To follow me on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Change2Healthy
